cincinnati football

It’s been a while since I last posted titles from the neural-network-generated absurdist version of Wikipedia, hasn’t it? *checks*

OK, maybe not that long–it was the end of August. Still, I’m in that kind of mood again, so here are twenty more things that are considered notable in some strange other universe:

  • Depressaria (disambiguation)
  • George Child (island)
  • The Little Strocking
  • Beperf K. Fender
  • International Infernographies of Poker
  • Sea Happenderacy
  • Hieronymous Order of U.S. relations
  • List of people with last name Rumblanorum
  • Refint-arrow-tailed Snakey
  • Bropping (video game)
  • Cheese, New Zealand
  • The Man Who You’ll Joe (TV series)
  • Severe Assembly (basketball)
  • The Flundiness
  • Uncognition of the United Kingdom
  • Cummonic lackage
  • 2016 Cincinnati Spiders football team
  • The Conquest of Love
  • List of airports in 1871
  • Brinkch (congressball episode)

Tyler Eifert is a Dumb Motherfucker: War and Football

Tyler Eifert should stick to sports.

The reasonably well-regarded Tight End is following many of his fellow NFL players in taking advantage of the NFL’s decision to allow personalized cleats. After many ridiculous moments coming to a head all at once, the shift to allowing personalized cleats is a welcome one: players like Odell Beckham Jr. have been pushing forward the aesthetics of the sport with their cleat designs, raising the cleat to a level of artistry that mirrors that of the well-established discourses of basketball sneaker design. This, of course, comes up against notions of late capitalist consumption and the realization of such in the individualized product: Stefon Diggs had a rather humorous pair of cleats that adopted the aesthetics of Žižek’s favorite coffee company, Starbucks.

Some have used the opportunity to promote a charitable cause of one sort or another, and Eifert is doing the same. Unsurprisingly, given that he has a brother in the Air Force, Eifert has chosen a cause adjacent to the imperialist ideology of “veteran support” as realized through the act of charity. While rather uninteresting aesthetically, the individualized nature of his understanding of the military informs the decision to write a name every week on his cleats to represent someone “from the United States military, whether active, retired, killed or missing in action, or a prisoner of war.” None of this is terribly surprising. And in fact, he could have started with that brother. But he did not.

He started with Pat Tillman. 

For those who do not know, Pat Tillman joined the Army in 2002, becoming part of the Army Rangers and eventually deploying to Iraq as part of the United States’ invasion and occupation. While he kept his views relatively private given his position in the NFL, he was open both to his family and to fellow soldiers that he was in fact opposed to the invasion of Iraq. In a meeting with Noam Chomsky, he called the war “fucking illegal” and the diaries he left behind seemed to paint a similar picture. He was likely headed toward being an incredibly vocal and embarrassing problem for the war machine once he made his way back to the NFL. 

But he never made it back. Killed by friendly fire, possibly intentionally, with a certainly intentional coverup, Tillman’s death was turned from a murky matter of “in-country” turmoil within the Army to a recruiting tool, one that used his death to justify its union with the NFL, a union that has only gotten deeper in the years since Tillman’s death.

Eifert’s discussion of his brother makes clear that he is in fact buying into the ideology of empire rather thoroughly: he describes his brother as an F-16 pilot flying combat missions at a time where it has never been safer to be a fighter pilot. The anti-air capabilities of any group the US is actively engaging in combat with are lacking, and while certainly not absent, a fighter pilot is unlikely to be terribly troubled by an anti-aircraft gun in the back of a pickup truck. Eifert claims that his decision to stand for the national anthem is to dedicate said anthem to the military, that the conversation around the anthem has been redirected such that it in no way connects to the original discussion around and intent of protests like Kaepernick’s or Michael Bennett’s.

Eifert could have directed, then, his charitable efforts toward even a liberal notion of “civil rights” advocacy, even tying it into the advocacy for veterans he does. Overwhelmingly, the ideology around support of charities for veterans conducts itself in a reactionary fashion, even when acknowledging (as Eifert does) the violence of retrauamtization realized within the structure of PTSD. Even then, they are called heroes, defended for their imperial adventurism, part of the war machine and made hero for it. 

Meanwhile, the Bennett brothers, Michael and Martellus, have been discussing in a painfully public fashion the trauma experienced by Michael while in Las Vegas for the McGregor/Mayweather fight. He was at a casino where a series of gunshot-like noises lead to a panic and police response as if there was an active shooter, while Michael was running from what he thought were gunshots, he was held at gunpoint by police and his life was directly threatened. When Martellus described breaking down crying at the story, scared at how close he came to losing his brother to police brutality, white football fans reacted by laughing at him. The two have been two of the most vocal players in the NFL on issues such as police brutality, and will only continue to be such given Michael’s experience. 

When Eifert claims that the protests during the anthem have become a spectacle greater than the cause in question, and aligns himself with a quasi-fascist ideological figuration of the anthem and the military, celebrating his brother’s role in the violent realization of American imperialism and implicitly condemning those who protest during the anthem despite their own advocacy for causes not unlikely the charity Eifert supports, their support for veterans as neglected by the apparatuses of the American war machine, a willingness to critique the war machine as it bleeds over into police rather than denying it (and thus lending it a sort of ideological support) as Eifert does, he is acting in a white supremacist fashion. 

Tyler Eifert likely does not think of himself as a white supremacist. Even if he is one. 

Tyler Eifert almost certainly does not realize he is a dumb motherfucker. But he is one. 

Tyler Eifert needs to shut the fuck up and stick to sports, let players who actually understand a thing or two speak for once.

NFL = National Felons League

Women beaters, drug dealers, crack addicts, jail birds, dog killers, cheaters, bounty boys, SJW pussies, and the list goes on and on and on.

I’d like to see these idiots try to go to another country and see if someone else is stupid enough to pay these millionaire crybabies the big bucks to keep chasing balls and giving each other brain damage.