Today, I fucked up... by making an inappropriate joke to my nana...

During the past year, I’ve made a habit of spending Saturday nights with my nana in the assisted living complex where my parents abandoned her. On most of these visits, we watch a movie and then follow it up with an arousing post-film discussion. Accompanying each viewing is rigorous consumption on our part of contraband boxed wine that I sneak in beneath my skirt. It’s a great way to spend time together and I know it’s one of the highlights of her week (other than when her male friend, Roger, scores some Cialis), as well.

So my “fuck up” came last night. The film for this visit was The Theory of Everything. For those that may not have heard of it, it is the story of how Stephen Hawking invented time travel.

The film itself was - at best - slightly better than average. I think it could have been much better. There were no dance numbers or wheelchair chases. No sex whatsoever. And not a single after credits scene. How they plan to tie it into the rest of the Marvel Universe I’ll never know. Oh, well.

The performances, however, were outstanding. Eddie Redmayne - better known for his gangster rap albums - turned in a nearly perfect performance. The way he captured that famous Hawking drool made me forget I was watching a movie. My only issue with his portrayal of the famed scientologist was with the accent he chose to use. In the first and second acts, he sounded nothing like Hawking does in real life, though it must be noted he did rectify this problem towards the end.

During our white zinfandel-fueled post film discussion, nana and I talked about all of this and other things as well. I was after maybe nine Dixie cups of wine that I decided to make what I thought was a perfectly innocent joke. I went down as follows.

“I’m glad we both enjoyed the film, nana. I heard it got reviews.”

“Well, it doesn’t suprise me. Again, the lack of male frontal nudity was my only complaint.”

“Mine, too. But you know who didn’t like the movie?”

“No. Who?”

“Stephen Hawking himself.”


“Yeah. At the world premier, after the credits rolled, he was the only one that didn’t give it a standing ovation.”


I guess her time spent in senior citizen prison has caused her to lose her sense of humor because she did not look happy after I made the joke. There was a palpable chill in the air. And not the one I usually get on account of nana keeping her room at 59F all the time. No, this was a displeased chill. Didn’t even offer my any pudding when I left. I feel our relationship may have been irreparably damaged by my poor attempt at humor.

My only hope is she gets over it by next Saturday. That’s when I bring over a copy of 50 Shades of Gray, which I chose specifically because that’s how many shades of gray there are in nana’s wig.

by _vargas_

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

Using Poppers: Or how to feel the rush & not end up in the ER.

So this is the first real P.S.A. I’ve ever written - but after a few messages over the past few months, I decided it was time to do a general intro & such on the use of those ever-potent little brown bottles that us Cardiophiles love to play with… POPPERS! 

So for the neophytes, what are these special chemicals that make us go wild? And for that matter, what good are they? Let’s take a brief look back in time for a bit on them.

Poppers - the chemical aromas found in such varities as “RUSH” “Jungle Juice” “Amsterdam” and many others have their origins in history as a derivative of Amyl Nitrite. Amyl Nitrite is a potent vasodialator which has been used in cardiovascular research & treatment of some conditions for decades. The actual process is this: Upon inhalation and contact with the bloodstream, Amyl Nitrite releases through chemical properties a crapload of nitric acid. Nitric acid in turn causes smooth muscle (including the arteries) to open and dilate. As the nitric acid swirls through the bloodstream, it passes through the heart, and opens the coronary arteries, dropping blood pressure around the heart. The heart senses this, and begins to pump not only faster but with more intensity, trying to balance the blood pressure not only around it - but also through the rest of the body. This drop in BP is also what gives the heady rush feeling just prior to your heart pumping in an incredible, intense manner. 

In the USA, as it is in some countries, Amyl Nitrite isn’t available without a prescription. Other chemical compounds have since made themselves widely available - Isobutyl Nitrite, Isopentyl Nitrite & Butyl Nitrite being the three most common. Usually you’ll find these in your local “adult’ store under various brands, often naming the use as “VCR Head Cleaner” “room aroma” among others. Many Leather stores sell wide varieties of these, all with similar chemicals in them to get your blood pumping and your heart pounding. 

So let’s now go into your first time - and what to expect. 

Chances are, if you’re using these bottles of potent vapor, you’re already pretty hard-core cardiophile, complete with stethoscope & most likely your microphone for posterity recordings. So here’s a basic timeline of what will happen on that first inhale:

0:10 - you feel a bit dizzy, and a bit tingly. 
0:15 - your skin tingles a bit more, and begins to ‘flush’ red- often starting in the head, down your neck, and across your chest. 
0:25-0:30 - your heart begins to pump with tremendous force, and your heart rate begins to accelerate.
0:35-0:45 - breathing becomes deeper and much more rapid; full intensity of the nitrites in your body; your heart is not reaching the higest level of impact from the first inhale
1:00-1:30 - the rush dissipates, and the heart begins to restore normal BP; it feels like your heart is pounding in your skull
1:30-3:00 - The heart begins to pump normally, and the rate returns to normal. 

As far as the physical effects, they do vary - but in my own course of research, I’ve noted these happening:

Strong & hard plunge in BP - in one instance, as my heart rate passed 160, my BP dropped to 90/40. 
More pronounced valve sounds - notably at tricuspid & mitral positions - as the heart dilates to pump more blood, the valve sounds become accentuated and the sound is incredible. Systolic murmurs can appear at the Aortic & pulmonic positions. 
Thundering heart- Exactly as it sounds, it feels as if your heart is trying to pump out of your ribs. 

Now mind you, that’s just one hit. Many of us (myself included) go for extended runs - poppering up if you will - to prolong the intensity of the effects on the heart. And you can, with experience & practice, do the same for yourself. But there are a few things that can make or break the experience:

1.) Straight-breathing the vapors will kill the effect after about four minutes - you’ll lose the rush, and the intensity of the pleasure. It is better to pace the hits out on a regular time basis and keep the intensity - and the pumping of your heart - at the maximum level.  In my own work (and my work with other ‘subjects’) I have found that hits every 35-45 seconds works good for a 9-12 minute cycle. 

2.) Your body type, size, etc. do play a role on how they impact your heart - as well as other things. For example: A heavy, burly man like myself requires longer and more deep hits for the right impact on my heart; a thin, younger man’s heart. 

3.) Smoking: The nitrites are VERY flammable - if you use tobacco products, do not mix the two together. You’ll end up in the burn ward.  

4.) Prolonged exposure can cause some temporary effects you don’t necessarily want. If you’re new, don’t do repeat hits until after you’ve experienced what poppers do to your body & your heart. 

Popper no-nos:

I have seen, experimented & tried many methods of working my heart over to get it to beat like I want it - and I’ve learned quite a bit on myself and my ‘subjects’ Here’s a list of warnings & such that you might be wary of:

1.) Your erection may fall flat: As BP drops hard, so will your shaft. It is a natural course to happen, so you may have to edge yourself up a bit. 
2.) Notable irregular beats: I’ve had this happen to me on numerous occasions - and on a few subjects. During an intense popper session, I began to have dropped beats - that wonderful ‘pause’ that lasts a little too long followed by a powerful contraction of the ventricles.  More commonly though, they begin to appear at the end of a poppers session - and can be not only a lot more frequent, but last for several minutes. (My ‘record’ was 2:30 of irregular beats.)
3.) Poppers & stimulants: You might think this will heighten the effects on your heart… but it doesn’t. While both make your heart race & your blood surge, both act differently on the heart. Stimulants force the heart to pump faster & harder by raising blood pressure, poppers do the same by lowering blood pressure. Poppers & stimulants end up counteracting each other, and really ruin the ‘rush’ of poppers - and of stimulants. Best recommendation: Do one, or the other, but not both. 
3.) Poppers & Viagra/Cialis/Levitra/Quickerdickeruppers (Both prescription & OTC). DON’T EVER DO THIS. I mean that. I have experimented on a gentleman who took a Cialis, and wanted a poppering session without telling me of his Cialis. Three minutes in, his heart rate passed 190, and his BP dropped to unmeasurable levels - followed by his passing out. And then a trip to the ER and some very awkward questions followed. Cialis, etc. are potent vasodilators in their own right, and do similar effects on the heart as do poppers. Combining the two could lead to a death certificate as the heart becomes hypoxic - with no oxygen reaching the heart muscle, ventricular fibrilation & cardiac arrest could follow.  Remember: Don’t mix the two - ever. 
4.) Other illegal drugs: I’m not advocating these drugs at all - as mild or as wild as they may be. I can say this: Poppers interact with everything- and will screw your heart up good when combined with illegal drugs. 

So there you have it, my fellow cardiophiles. If you choose to go the poppers route, welcome - play safe & play careful. Know your body, know your heart, and have fun.