church of satan

9 Satanic Statements
  1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence.
  2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.
  3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit.
  4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates.
  5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek.
  6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.
  7. Satan represents man as just another animal who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development”, has become the most vicious animal of all.
  8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification.
  9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years.

Are you lonely?
Do you feel like your life has no meaning?
Do you want to live forever?

Then try religion! We give you a place to come together with other people who are scared of dying so you can sings songs about how you’re not gonna die and how you’re imaginary friend will save you!

Side affects may include no control of your own life, hating yourself for doing things that aren’t bad, war, genocide, and hating people you’ve never met. Do not try religion if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Also do not take religion if you value rational thinking and being in control if you’re own life. Religion may hinder your ability to accept facts.