I keep this photo in my phone and I often have to go look at it . . People tell me I’m ugly or I’m fat it hurts I can’t lie but this photo reminds me of where I was and where I am now.. I am definitely not as small as I would like to be but I’m not 350 + lbs either .. Wish I could remember this when I’m being put down but I’m working on me and learning to love me and like me .. It’s hard but I’m trying .
Dating is extremely weird for me. After being in a relationship with someone for over 8 years trying to get to know somebody or letting somebody close enough to get to know the real me just feels uncomfortable and unsafe. Plus all the people that I’ve attempted to get to know on that level, only want something physical from me. It sucks but this is my life.
Last night I went out. I had a great time.
I can’t wait until I don’t care what anyone thinks of me so I can feel liberated for real.
I danced and smiled but while I danced I couldn’t help but wondered if the women who watched, laughed and talked with there friends if they where looking,laughing and talking about me.
I know some of it is my insecurities but I know how ratchet girls are though to.(don’t fight me on this, I’ve seen it first hand for years so stoppitt) Doesn’t matter how cute you look or pretty you look or how nice you are they always talk shit about plus size girls (unless you they home girl). But fuck it I’m happy I didn’t let anyones facial expressions stop my chunky self from shaking my ass. I love to dance and laughing. I’m an old lady at heart so when old club/house music comes on it’s like I have to go 2 step lol . .
Anyway I got drunk,had a bomb ass steak and danced my ass off. And I looked cute as fuck lol but I did though ..
I literally can’t wait to get my hair done and my nails done I feel so ugly. Everybody keeps asking where have I been on my Snapchat but I literally feel ugly even with Every filter on? Sus it’s time to get your hair done payday is Friday I literally cannot wait..
She gets off work every night after midnight she goes home takes a shower changes her clothes then comes over my house … We are supposed to be friends but none of my thoughts about her are friendly. A lot of our conversations and actions have not been friendly either, I’m looking forward to seeing her.