chronic lyme's disease

One of the worst things about chronic illnesses is that they’re always there and always draining and then when you get some kind of lame ass pedestrian cold or sinus infection on top of it and it’s like MEGA DEATH and your body is just totally defeated over what seems like nothing

it’s so strange to be chronically ill and have really Not Good things happen to your body all the time and you’re just like “here we go again”

“mom, my pupils are different sizes again” “mom, my kidney hurts again” “mom, one of my toes turned white again” “mom, I’m having heart palpitations again” “mom, I’m having my fourth fever of the day” “mom, I feel dizzy and unmoored from reality again” 

like the first time it was a bit alarming, now it’s just a wheel spin of what fucky shit will it be today

Chronically ill people are superhuman. They go out and work alongside you, continue with the lives and responsibilities, and remain active with their social lives. They may need a day or two here and there to rest and avoid pushing themselves, but for the most part we learn to cope and continue with life. If you felt the war we do every day you'd likely be in the ER. Give us some credit for doing what we do, even if we take a day to ourselves now and again.
This needs to be said

I know myself and other sick/disabled people included get a lot of mistreatment from healthy people. These “normal” people seem to assume we are sick or disabled because we don’t take care of ourselves or try hard enough to get better. We hear it when they suggest basic shit like, try yoga, eat more kale, try vitamin x, go to bed earlier, just get out of the house more, just take a tylenol, exercise more, try to be more positive ect.

Here is the truth: we take great care if ourselves. If there was an award for attempting to be as healthy as possible we would win it. 50-60% of our day is spent taking care of ourselves (some people spend even more time if they are really sick). Sometimes we spend so much time trying to be healthy, we have no energy for anything else.

All it takes for a healthy person to get sick or disabled permanently is a change in DNA sequence, a cell mutation, sudden neurological disfunction, an introduction to a neurotoxin, sudden immune system dysfunction, introduction to a bacteria, a cold that remains permanently stagnant in the body, a freak accident. Our lives can never be completely controlled. Normal people need to understand they are at risk for these horrible events also. Regardless of how hard they try to prevent these things, shit like this happens everyday and it cannot be controlled or “fought”. We need to understand this.

"When are you going to drive? You're almost 20."

It’s :) almost :) as :) if :) I :) have :) a :) chronic :) illness :) and no :) energy :) to :) get :) out :) of :) bed :) let :) alone :) drive :) something :) that :) could :) easily :) kill :) me :) or :) someone :) else

I think maybe my least favorite part of chronic illness is how much time you spend in limbo. Obviously the good days are good days, and the thing is that the worst days are when you can implement your emergency measures - take your pain pills, get in bed and call the whole day a wash. It’s a done deal. 

But most days are in between, spent sitting and waiting to see if you’re going to be able to do anything or if you’re going to have to give up. You can’t just give up every day, and you actually get really fucking tired of lying in bed doing nothing, but you can’t just will yourself to have a good enough day to be productive. You can try to advance on a task, see if you’re capable, only to find yourself on the brink of collapse, maybe even hurting your health because you so much as tried to do something. 

So then you go back to spending your 10,000th hour in bed or on the couch waiting for something to change. It’s really, really boring. 

Keto Month 1 results

•Lost 12.4 pounds
• Lost 4.75 inches from my waist
•Lost inches everywhere else (too many numbers to document here…I am documenting though)
•Sleeping more soundly, waking up refreshed (at 0430 q am, no doubt)
•Carb cravings? What carb cravings? GONE.
•Getting shit done like a boss (ENERGY!)
•Moods=stable (as much as a moon-child, Cancerian INFJ can be)
•MOST IMPORTANTLY: Chronic Lyme symptoms have nearly vanished. I am amazed!

I can not believe how happy this lifestyle has made me in so little time. I’m motivated, exhilarated, thinking clearly and able to focus. I love my new lifestyle!

We learn to tolerate the physical pain. You have to. But it’s the overwhelming emotional burden that makes you feel like someone is holding your head down in the water. You can fight it, but you can never overcome that crushing feeling. How are you supposed to get rid of an emotional suffocation when the source of it is never going to go away?

Being sick is being stuck in the eternal clutch of the unknown. Any day anything could go wrong, or at least more wrong than it already has. It’s so hard not to feel anxious or depressed or completely lost when all that lies ahead is a giant question mark.

—  Lauren Anne

I’m still here.