chronic l


so deciding to do hourlies today was kind of a hard decision actually. 

ive been really ill lately, dealing w chronic and mental illness (hypothyroidism/fibromyalgia + depression/anxiety/ptsd) and it’s turned my life into extended sequences of lying in bed wishing i could do anything BUT lie in bed and also like feeling bad in ways people probably dont want me to describe, rock bottom kinda shit  

luckily, ive dealt with most of this before, and im pretty sure im on my way to some sort of recovery after only a month (first round w hypothyroidism took the better part of a year) and i DID have the energy to do these, but then there’s the issue of…showing everybody how i have to live my life lately

i always feel like the artists i admire are doing /so much/ and honestly i wish i could do as much, but its not feasible when im sick like this, and its been really getting to me lately. its frustrating, and embarrassing, and hard.

but its the way i have to live when my meds are off, or when im having flashbacks, or whatever it is that day. or several days. or months. and its the way other people like me live, too! 

and thats why i wanted to do it, i guess. to see that this is a valid way to live. to help show other people its valid, and to help show myself. to look at it with compassion and humor and try out just enjoying the fact of my existence.

so anyway thats a lot of text for it but i just kinda wanted to get those thoughts out there. thanks everyone

actually speaking of that I have a lot of feelings about how Vimes and Granny are both consciously resisting their own narratives

I mean, the cowboy lone wolf cop who doesn’t play by the book, who makes his own law

and the evil witch, the hag, the cackling old woman who makes your cows dry up and children fall sick

and I think they both have that instinct, they both feel the narrative pushing them towards that story, and they both resist because they choose their own destiny and they know it’s not the right choice 

and like…Granny would very much like to have been evil - the whole deal with Lily, for example, I mean, Granny was intended to be the Evil Sister but Lily messed all that up by going and doing it herself in the mistaken belief that she was being benevolent and Granny is kinda bitter that she couldn’t choose to be bad anymore, she had to be good to balance out her sister because witches have to maintain balance

so she has this innate nature or desire or narrative tendency to be the bad sister, but she knows she can’t be and so she keeps an iron hold on herself

and similarly the framework of the law is SO IMPORTANT to Vimes because he knows he has the potential to be what the narrative feels like it’s pushing him to be - chaos and not law

and so the Guarding Dark and never outside the framework, never outside that self-constructed prison, never outside the rules

not once because once would be too much, Due Process always because otherwise he’s giving into the narrative - and that is how he fought the Summoning Dark, because the Summoning Dark was chaos just like he could be and he knows how to deal with that

and it all totally makes sense because narrative is a force on Discworld and you have to know how to control it