christmas-stories

every year around christmas me and my grandma play this fun family game called “maybe you want to put jesus in your room instead, sweetie? :)”. now, it’s important to note that the jesus referred to in our game is not actually the real jesus christ, but instead a wooden figure i made in 2011 that has an uncanny resemblance to the lord and savior himself

so what happens is that i place jesus in our living room, and my grandma smiles and asks me if i don’t want to decorate my room with him instead. i ask her in return if she thinks my jesus figure is ugly (which he is), but she reassures me that this is not the case. however, a couple of days later jesus mysteriously disappears from our living room, and appear in my room instead

now, the real jesus christ might have been able to perform a miracle like this, but please remember that the jesus in our story is only a figure made out of wood. he can not move on his own, so i think we can safely say that my grandma is the prime suspect here

the first year i would often confront my grandma about this, but she would always make up an excuse and never straight up tell me she moved him because he’s so ugly it’s an embarrassment to the family

eventually i grew tired of her lies, so now we only move jesus around in silence. one second he’s in the living room, the next he’s back in my room. in a way i think this adds an extra element of excitement to the holiday season, because you never know for sure when jesus is going to be moved again

musical ratings based on if children swear
  • falsettos: great at first, but slows down a lot. 7/10
  • annie: terrible. so many children, so few swears. 0/10
  • into the woods: none, but if it was made now im certain little red would drop an f-bomb. 1/10
  • music man: not even trying. 0/10
  • fun home: idt there are any? 0/10
  • billy elliot: incredible. set the standard. if u like children swearing this is the show for u. 11/10
  • spring awakening: theyre not child actors, but gosh do they swear a lot. 2/10
  • matilda: they say hell a couple times. 5/10
  • spelling bee: again, not child actors. if "erection" is a swear, 3/10, if not, 0/10
  • a christmas story: no full on swears, but quite a few near swears, so its alright. 2/10
  • school of rock: very good. bonus for talking abt hating the man, minus for being a not great show. 8/10
  • sound of music: can u imagine if one of those kids started swearing thatd be hilarious. 0/10

80’s movies and chill

She Never Stopped Smiling

by reddit user Pippinacious

Fly was an odd kid, even by odd kid standards. I met her in sixth grade, when our alphabetically ordered last names landed us in adjacent seats, and she turned to look at me with a cheerful, gap toothed smile.

“Hi!” She said.

“Hi.” I replied quietly.

I was shy and intimidated by my first day in middle school, but she wasn’t the least bit nervous.

Keep reading

youtube

A story from Space Dad on this fine Christmas Eve.

“’Twas The Night We Formed Christmas”

Olan Rogers:

I’ve posted about this amazing man once or twice but I wanted to make an official textpost as a shoutout to him. He’s a comedian with videos on YouTube of stories and sketches. His stories are what hooked me, though. They’re hilarious and fun and amazing! His videos are like Pringles. Once one pops, one just can’t stop. When you watch one, you binge! “Just one more” is a lie. And he’s not too difficult to look at, if you know what I mean.

His most popular video is called Ghost In The Stalls. This gif is from the video…

Originally posted by idk-crocs

I suggest these stories: 

Ghost In The Stalls, Echoes Through The Wall, Christmas Time Boy (live story), The Comeback Kid, The Package Delivery, The Bad Apple, A Thief In The Night, The Popcorn King, The Snack Thief, It’s In The Genes, Eyes For You, The Fear Awakened, The Batman Birthday, An Odd Day To Die, Death Is A Quiet Wave, Midnight Claw, Chuck E. Cheese, Stand By Me, and last but certainly not least, The Crumb That Fell.

His Channel Link: [x]

My favourite parts from A King Falls Christmas Story
  • Ben, are you singing at me?
  • MY GIFTS ARE FLY AS HELL
  • Frickard’s not getting shit
                  FUCK YOU BEN!
  • FUCK IT UP FUCK IT UP
  • Hersh, you’re singing??
            Does this mean I’m Gay??
  • EVERYONE GET CLOSE
            GET CLOSE
    GET CLOSE
            GET CLOSE
    CLOSER STILL- no uh that’s too close Pete
            Too close
     You’re stepping on my feet!
  • …okay.
  • BI-BI-BISEXUALLY? 
  • Put yo hands up in the aiiiiiIIIIIIIRRRRR 
  • IMMA TASE YOU 
  • Et tu Troy? 
  • SANTA UP DEVIL DOWN 
  • HE’D KNOCK YOUR GRANNY DOWN MAKE YOUR BABIES CRY
             OHHH NOT BABY JESUS ?!
    YES!
  •  LUCIFER JUST MELTS AWAY, BUT ONLY WHEN YOU SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS, NEVER HAPPY HOLIDAYS 
  •  HEY YOU YOU CAN’T FORGET ABOUT JESUS
            OH FOR SHAME 
    DON’T FORGET ABOUT BABY JESUS 
  • MY FAVOURITE THREESOME IS THE HOLY TRINITY 
  • I keep my eye toward the sky in hopes of seeing you
  •  I’m down on my knees 
  • ~Ben?
  • Another year has passed
    I hasn’t been the best but hey at least it’s not my last! 
  • They say hope lies in dreams and that’s where Emily lies too 
  • Bad times are tough but not tougher than me! 
  • I’m going to get Emily and be the man she’s needs!!! 
  • Did you just sing at me?
          Well badly yes