christian allegory

Bionicle is not a Christian allegory.

Bionicle’s mythology and lore have nothing to do with Christianity.

Religions other than Christianity have savior figures.
Religions other than Christianity have an afterlife, underworld, or realm of the dead.
Religions other than Christianity have entities that represent chaos, temptation, and disorder.

Bionicle was based off of Polynesian mythology. Not Christianity, Judaism, or really any western religion.

Get your Eurocentric head out of your ass and realize that there are other religions in the world.

Bionicle is NOT Christian. I will fight you on that.

The Most Difficult Thing about the Lord of the Rings fandom

….is that it has such a crazy range of politics/beliefs.

On one hand you have the staunch conservatives and fundamentalist Catholics who see Lord of the Rings as nothing more than a Christian allegory….

….and way on the other side of the spectrum you’ve got your Bleeding-Heart Liberals who argue the Shire is a socialist paradise, pipe-weed is legal marijuana, Everyone is Gay,  and/or that LOTR blurs gender roles by praising men who act stereotypically “feminine” (men who are compassionate/emotionally open, men who don’t want to fight, men who are healers and caretakers, men who cry, men who write poetry about their feelings, men who openly talk about how much they love each other, etc.)

On one hand there are actual horrible White Supremacists who pretend LOTR is an allegory for the “white race destroying inferior races…”

 …and then there are people who point out that Tolkien himself was vocally anti-racism, there’s plenty of evidence to suggest Tolkien wrote many of his characters as POC and his fandom just assumed they were white, Peter Jackson was wrong to portray all the main characters as white, and/or though we acknowledge its deep inarguable flaws the entire point of the series is that people of different races should accept each other as equals

And it’s really difficult???? Because usually when you meet another person from a fandom you can kind of guess what their politics are??? Like if you know someone’s a fan of Steven Universe, you can be 99 percent sure that person supports LGBT rights

But with LOTR 

The person could be anything

and you just have no idea

there’s a bit in Voyage of the Dawn Treader where the ship finds one of the missing lords who’s swum out to them from yet another mysterious island and he says “don’t go there, that’s the island where dreams come true”

so the sailors are like “oh man I could see my family again” and all this stuff and the lord screams at them “no, no, that’s what we thought, but it’s dreams, don’t you understand? not daydreams, dreams”

there’s a moment of silence while this sinks in

and then everyone in unison scrambles to turn the ship around as fast as humanly possible, if not faster, because NO

and people are asking each other things like “do you hear it?” or “are they coming?” but no one will say exactly what it is they’re afraid of because they’re too afraid to give it a name

it’s one of the better executions of “let people imagine the worst” that I’ve ever come across and I think about it a lot because so many people try to do that and they rarely come anywhere close to a minor incident in an Oxford professor’s Christian allegory for children

i love paying attention to set decoration, especially books.

in one scene, grace is reading a novel called “lit” which is about a woman’s spiraling alcohol addiction and the toll it takes on her and her family and in another scene, she’s reading a c.s. lewis novel called “that hideous strength” which is like a weird, christian, dystopian space opera (and it’s the third and final book in the series, so grace had to have read the other two to understand the complicated plot).

plus, there’s two books on her bedside table: a novel called “three martini lunch” which is about three different people trying to break into the publishing world and a book about the last two decades of elizabeth i’s life.

like everyone knows narnia is a big ol christian allegory but I just want you to remember that lord of the rings is so, so catholic. it’s so catholic. your favorite fantasy series that jump-started every generic fantasy after it is ultra catholic

A knight, armed with the Christian virtues and bearing a shield emblazoned with the symbol of the Trinity (known as the Scutum Fidei or “Shield of Faith”), prepares to do battle with the seven deadly sins.  In front of him are seven doves, representing the septem dona Spiritus Sancti (“seven gifts of the Holy Spirit”): these are sapientia (wisdom), intellectus (understanding), consilium (good counsel), fortitudo (courage), scientia (knowledge), timor Dei (fear of God), and pietas (piety). Illustration from the Summa de Virtutibus et Vitiis (Treatise on the Virtues and Vices) by William Peraldus, ca. 1255-1265.  Now in the British Library.


Prince Caspian + eyefucking all four of the Pevensie siblings

Re-watching the Narnia movies and slightly amazed at the range of sexual chemistry Prince Caspian has with all four Pevensie siblings.

  • Peter = rivals “I hate you and I’m obsessed with proving myself to you” UST, childhood crush on a mythic figure now gone sour, hate-sex that’s about power relations, perfect synchronity in battle, long campaigns, the smell of sweat and leather, two stubborn alpha males, still learning to compromise, trying to respect one another’s boundaries
  • Susan = sweet and steady relationship fluff, boy meets girl, he teases out the lighter side of her, they’rel co-rulers of a magical kingdom, badass Christian Allegory Medieval Fantasy power couple, give each other foot rubs after long diplomatic meetings, so many kids and grandkids
  • Edmund = FROM BRO-FRIEND TO BOYFRIEND REAL QUICK, playful sparring, whoops we slept together again, long talks in the middle of the night, haunted by ghosts from their pasts, finding redemption, growing up, but they still wage shitty prank wars that go on forever, climbing into one hammock together during long sea voyages, secrets, each one insists the other is his better half
  • Lucy = Caspian is the cute love interest from Lucy’s rom-com. Kisses behind the ear, the smell of crushed wild grass in their hair, Lucy leaves for months sometimes and he wonders what she sees, lazy days in bed, flirtatious looks, playing footsie under tables, perfect trust and friendship, sunlight pouring down like honey

So the whole Susan situation was definitely not about femininity and discovering her sexuality and becoming a woman and etc. I find it so damaging when we have people like J.K. Rowling and a lot of people not in the fandom (I feel like everyone in the fandom understands Susan to some degree and understands that if her story had been continued we’d see an older Susan eventually restoring her faith in Narnia) just dismiss it all C. S. Lewis being “sexist”. Yes, Lewis lived in a time period where it was normal to put women down just for being women, but if he was a sexist man then why are Aravis, Jill, Polly, and Lucy girls that weren’t created out of sexism? Aravis was stubborn and self-centered and an all-around strong-charactered girl. Jill was brave and complex in the sense that she had fears but she could overcome them. Polly was cautious but adventurous. Lucy was known for her bravery and immense faith in Aslan and she actually participated in wars and fought alongside her brothers. There’s also the fact that we for the most part have very equal amounts of female and male main characters (Polly and Digory, the four Pevensies two boys and two girls, Aravis and Cor, and Jill and Eustace). I hate that a feminist-friendly female character has to be able to expertly kick physical butt, when a feminist-friendly female character should be a female character that is viewed and respected on the same level as a man and has complexity to her persona and isn’t seen as more than just arm candy that can choke-hold a man while looking pretty. Susan is complex. Susan is a relatable character. Susan is an equal to her brothers. She’s High Queen, for Aslan’s sake. If Lewis wanted to degrade her he could have kept Peter as High King and the rest of his siblings below him. But Lewis didn’t. He had the two oldest Pevensie siblings be the High Monarchs, both at equal levels with the other. Susan may have been known for not participating in wars but honestly, war isn’t pretty. There are people out there that can’t stomach bloodshed. War brings blood and deaths and it’s not for everyone and taht’s totally okay. Susan is a gentle woman who most likely can’t stand watching not only her own, but also other countries’, people fall on swords and spears and arrows. She knows that she’d be a better help staying back in Narnia and governing while her siblings were away fighting a battle. Besides, who better to take care of everyone’s responsibilities than the High Queen of Narnia herself?

There’s also the “discovering her sexuality” part. So in Narnia Susan never grew up to her late twenties and was sheltered away from balls and gowns and cosmetics? Kind of hard to believe. The Last Battle wasn’t the only time Susan became a woman. She had fifteen years in Narnia to became a woman and “discover her sexuality”. Not once during those fifteen years of her and her siblings’ reign did Aslan kick Susan out of Narnia because she preferred those “frivolous” things over war and bloodshed. Once again it all boils down to modern society’s belief that a “strong female character” has to be a female character that’s beautiful without knowing it and being able to suddenly do herself up all sexy and fight a man in 5" heels and a tight dress and write it off as “I have 12 older brothers”. Susan was beautiful. She knew it. Everyone told her. I don’t personally believe she was vain about it since her vanity is never addressed. She liked to go to parties. She liked “nylons and lipstick”. So what? Some girls like that stuff. Others don’t. A character doesn’t have to be butch, anti-male, anti-femininity to be a feminist-friendly female character.

The only real explanation for Susan being excluded has to do with The Chronicles of Narnia basically being an allegory to Christianity (even though Lewis denied it being a straight-up allegory, there’s so many similarities between Narnia and the Bible and Christianity in general). So, I don’t believe that from the very beginning Lewis pointed at Susan and said, “She’s going to stop believing in Aslan and Narnia,” and that was that. First we have to go to Lewis’ characterization of his other characters. The other Friends of Narnia wholeheartedly threw themselves into Narnia because they all had some strong connection to it. Edmund, Jill, and Eustace became better people because of Narnia, Lucy, Digory, and Polly discovered Narnia, and Peter was High King in Narnia and accepted his responsibilities as king. Everyone’s lives was very effected by Narnia – everyone except Susan. She was rather indifferent by it all, she believed when she had to and stopped when she didn’t have to. Simple as that. It would have been rather extraordinary to have someone like Lucy or Edmund or Eustace suddenly stop believing in Narnia. Susan was the best choice. Now, let’s return to the Christianity thing. Lewis had grown up Christian then lost his faith for a while, it’s something that very commonly happens in Christianity. There are people that used to follow a faith and then something in life happens (maybe a family membered died or they went to a new school that’s full of mostly secular people or they lost their job or something happens) that makes a person slowly lose faith in their beliefs; they start to doubt, they start to question, and then they’re gone. There are a lot of people that stay away from their old faiths for the rest of their lives or convert to something else, but there are also a lot of people like Lewis that return to their old faiths. I think Lewis seemed to relate to Susan. Maybe before, when he was younger, he only went to church because it was a family thing, it wasn’t something he had picked for himself, just something that he was told he was, he called himself a Christian but he was indifferent about it; like Susan who was in Narnia twice but was able to easily forget Narnia right after Aslan told her to (going back to not being entirely effected by Narnia). I entirely believe that Lewis was representing those people who lost themselves when he created Susan, and I am adamant in my belief that Lewis was going to have Susan become a Friend of Narnia again. Her change wasn’t going to happen in Narnia, it was going to happen b e c a u s e of Narnia, b e c a u s e of what Narnia did to her, not because of what she did in or to Narnia. She needed to see that everything that she took for granted could easily be taken from her. She took Narnia for granted, she took her family for granted, she took her friends for granted, and Aslan took them all, not because she forgot or because she became a woman or anything, but because it was her time to actually become a real woman and accept what had been real the entire time. She was going to finally be changed by Narnia, it just had to be through cold, harsh reality. Aslan knew that the only way to open her eyes was by using her world against her. Susan’s story didn’t end right there at no longer being a Friend of Narnia; Lewis said so himself. Her story was just going to take a little longer to tell because some people don’t always have these quick changes for the better like her family and friends were lucky enough to have, she has to go through so much more because that’s the only way she’ll learn and accept and b e l i e v e. For some people to finally turn to God, they have to be going through a lot, they have to be going through hardships that are difficult to handle alone and that’s when they ask for the help that was there for them from the beginning. God doesn’t help those if they don’t ask Him for help first. Susan didn’t turn to Aslan or go to Narnia willingly, she was dragged in by her siblings. She didn’t ask for Narnia, it was just handed to her and she took it for granted.

In conclusion, no Susan did not get kicked out of Narnia because of the “nylons and lipstick”. She was temporarily excluded because she had to willingly come to Aslan, and when she does that, that’s when she would return to Narnia and be reunited with her friends and family.

thatrandomfiend  asked:

the Tales of the Kingdom.... you mean that series with the boy named Hero and the Princess Amanda in the forest called Great Park that was a lot of Christian allegory?


anonymous asked:

Don't you hate how people completely miss the point of why Susan couldn't return to Narnia? She chose not to believe anymore, and let materialism take over her life. It could happen to anyone. If Lewis had chosen to reverse the roles of Edmund and Susan, Edmund being the one who chose to lose belief because he focused too much on something material, like wealth or fame, he too wouldn't be allowed back. People make a big deal out of it because Susan is a female, but it could happen to anyone.

(cont’d) That was the point that Lewis was trying to make, especially in terms of the Christian faith. I doubt anyone would have complained if Peter had chosen not to believe because he cared too much about insignificant things, but because Susan is a female, people cry “sexism!” It frustrates me how people refuse to see beyond gender and look at a person for their actions and who they are.

Ahhh, The Problem of Susan. It will forever remain a major talking point of the Narnia series (I believe the other one would be Edmund and his entire character arc).

I agree entirely with your point, that Susan was refused entry back into Narnia and Aslan’s Country, at least at the conclusion of The Last Battle, because of her loss of faith. You make a fair point about the fact that if it had been Peter, there wouldn’t be as much of a fuss as there had been. The problem I think lies in the way C.S. Lewis chose to portray Susan at this point.

I believe his point here is that if you lose faith, you are no longer permitted entry into Heaven. Where I believe he goes wrong, however, is that he didn’t merely portray Susan as a woman who lost faith, but as a superficial, silly woman, concerned only with nylons and lipstick. I believe he could have made his point clearer if he hadn’t muddied the waters so to speak. You want people to understand that Susan didn’t get into Heaven because she lost faith? Then make that the point. Don’t make it sound as if she didn’t get in because she was silly and superficial. At the end of the day, Susan and Peter were told they were not going back to Narnia. It is therefore not wrong for her to invest in her life on Earth. So she wants to look nice and she might have been a bit materialistic – is that a sin? Isn’t the bigger problem the fact that she no longer has faith? If that’s the case, focus on that.

To be honest, I think he painted Susan in a wholly negative light in The Last Battle. She is described as being superficial, yet we ourselves only gain a superficial look at the woman she has become. Remember that she herself does not make an appearance; all we have to gauge the woman she has become is based on what the other characters say about her, the entirety of which takes up about the space of a page. She does not get to speak or defend herself, and none of the characters offer any sort of positive side to her, not even her own brothers and sister.

My main question, however, is why couldn’t he have left her as she was, but no longer a believer? Susan is often portrayed as being logical and pragmatic – keep that aspect of her characterisation, her logic has forced her to no longer believe in God but, like Lewis himself I believe, she is capable of finding her way back to Him after the end of the story. You don’t need to paint her as a simpering, materialistic woman who talks down to her family in order to make her a non-believer. She can be interested in things like fashion and still have faith, just like she can be a humble person who doesn’t. You don’t need to paint her as two negative things in order to drive home the point that she doesn’t get into Heaven.

To go back to your point about Peter, I think the main reason why, if Peter and Susan had been swapped, not as much of a fuss would be made of it is because C.S. Lewis probably wouldn’t have portrayed Peter in such a negative way. What could he say about Peter that would equal the way he described Susan? He sleeps around? Is only interested in going to the gym and buffing up? Likes to spend money on fancy brands and drives around in a fancy car?

I think it’s far easier to portray a woman in a superficial, negative light than it is a man (a by-product of sexism that continues today), and I think when people accuse C.S. Lewis of misogyny, this is why: because he bought into this negative portrayal of women and perpetuated it, to the extent that to this day people still buy into it. The fact that The Problem of Susan is still a talking point is evidence of that. The other major problem is that he took away something that women have fought long and hard to gain: her voice. As I said earlier, she is not given the opportunity to speak or defend herself, she does not even make an appearance. How should we interpret this? Is it really any wonder why some people accuse him of sexism, when a woman is spoken for and about, rather than being given the opportunity to speak for herself?

You make an excellent point about the fact that it could happen to anyone and that you should look at their actions and who they are. The problem is that C.S. Lewis didn’t do that: he dragged Susan’s gender into it and made it feel like part of the problem. At the end of the day, C.S. Lewis sought to write a Christian allegory, not a social commentary, and I think he made a mistake by blurring the lines and attaching something like materialism to a woman who, at this point in time, has been ‘locked out of Heaven’ because that makes it easier to miss the point I think he was ultimately trying to make: that loss of faith, not materialism and superficiality, was what kept Susan out of Aslan’s Country.

(Can I make a final point here that I don’t really think C.S. Lewis was misogynistic; he has a few progressive elements in the story regarding gender and it is important to remember that both Lewis, and therefore Narnia, are products of their time. That does not, however, mean that there aren’t a few worrying aspects regarding gender in the series.)

the-lady-of-the-blue  asked:

What is it in Edmund that you like the most about?

One of the most compelling things about Edmund is the narrative of his character, the growth of how he starts and what he becomes. Granted, all the Pevensies grow because of their experiences in Narnia, and there are some right on cool subtleties there… but Edmund’s story is by far the most shocking, the most dynamic. And because of its dynamics, it’s powerful.

I will admit I have always been compelled by traitorous characters in stories. I love the sly, the slimy, the tricksters, the manipulators, the betrayers. They almost always have some fascinating motivations behind their choices. Usually in the typical story, good guys choose to be good guys because of their morals (and being thrust into the situation), while the villains are villains because of, perhaps, some self-advancing motivation. The good guys have their sets of values and the villains have theirs. But the traitors… the true traitors… are shifting alliances, from one camp of values to another, and there’s got to be some interesting reasons for why they do so. Sometimes their motivations derive from a sense of self-independence, other times from greed, yet other times… from fascinatingly compelling and understandable logic.

With Edmund, his reasons are interesting, and it builds the story. Edmund’s actions in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe in many ways fuel critical events that happen. This is certainly the case in the movie version, where much of Peter’s reason to stay is to simply rescue his brother. Without Edmund, would they have even stayed in Narnia? But anyway… Edmund’s decision to slip off and join Jadis starts with some imperfect but still understandable experiences and emotions: his bitterness against his siblings, the White Witch’s seeming friendliness, his own personal temptations and desires. It starts out as something so simple, this bitterness. And then meeting the White Witch seems so harmless - she gives him some delicious Turkish Delight, does she not? But it all spirals downward from there, to the point that Edmund’s bitterness against his siblings… becomes a horrific, life-threatening adventure.

Of course, as much as Edmund’s bitterness can be understandable, it still does highlight a weakness of his personality. And that’s an interesting weakness that gets developed, his personality changed, and the resulting character an incredible hero. This is where Edmund becomes an even more amazing character for the narrative of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. The dynamics between him and his siblings, the environment, the war within himself and who he has to become, who he DOES end up becoming… wow.

Let me start from the top and scream about Edmund’s story in depth. I’ll be talking movie version mostly, but of course the book version is the first one that caught my eye, and much of what I talk about here is relevant to Lewis’ original novel.

Edmund’s starting adventures in Narnia are a wholly unique perspective, completely unlike that which any of the other Pevensies experience. What I mean is that, of all his siblings, he is the only one to directly interact with the White Witch before meeting Aslan. Notice how critical that is and how his actions develop because of it. Edmund sees the Witch first hand and has a positive interaction with her. It’s true that he should have picked up on her impatience and other crafty words that she meant harm, but the point of the matter is, Edmund is the only one who sees the Witch. And he thinks she can offer something good.

This is in contrast to Lucy, Peter, and Susan. Lucy gets a negative personal experience with the White Witch because Mr. Tumnus nearly kidnaps her for it. Peter and Susan have to take everything second-hand until they meet the Beavers and have to hide from Maugrim and the other wolves. Peter, Lucy, and Susan receive only anti-Jadis sentiment from those they meet. Of course they’re going to side with Aslan without too much debate. Edmund experiences something pro-Jadis… he meets Jadis… and that changes everything.

It’s easy to see Edmund as the “worst” sibling, the one who is the greatest jerk, the one least cooperative, the one most snappish and sarcastic, that Horrible Traitor at the start before he Found the Light. While in the books it does perhaps paint a bit of this picture, I like what happens in Disney where Peter’s imperfections are hugely exemplified, too. All of the siblings are imperfect. They all have times they get along, they all have times where they snap at each other. Just as Edmund was unkind to Peter, so was Peter a bit of a jerk to Edmund.

All of them could have been susceptible to the White Witch, but Edmund is the one who stumbled into her. She took advantage of his weakness and bitterness against his siblings (a bitterness that was situational, mind), and developed it into something dangerous. This, combined with Edmund’s continuing clash with his siblings, led to him deciding to abandon them at the Beavers and head straight to the Witch’s castle.

And you know what? I love that. I love seeing a character make an understandable decision to charge off and join the White Witch. It’s not that he’s the one bad kid, but his decisions in this circumstance certainly led down the worst path. His bitterness gets fueled… and the betrayal happens.

And backfires.

Edmund’s bitterness lands him into serious danger. He becomes Jadis’ prisoner and has to be rescued by Aslan. There are such heartwrenching dynamics about this. You see Edmund’s realization of the danger he’s in, the recognition that he made the wrong choice. Oh crap. You see the other siblings become terrified about what their brother does. Note that, even though Edmund made a SERIOUS error, they still want their brother home and safe. Aslan’s troops save Edmund in the end.

But the consequences of his decisions linger. That for me is something incredibly emotional, evoking, and makes me like his character more. The way Edmund interacts with this circumstance is raw and real. You see him speaking alone with Aslan about what happened, and then uncomfortably joining his siblings. Gah, ouch. And even when his siblings take him in again, Edmund isn’t out of danger yet. Just look at his face when Jadis enters Aslan’s Camp and demands Edmund’s blood.

Holy cow poor kid.

And yet out of the sniveling, bitter character who takes snappish shots at his siblings, who decides to join Jadis rather than Aslan, who is terrified in this moment that he’s going to die… Edmund grows.




Because Edmund turns around completely to Aslan’s side. His life was directly saved by Aslan’s creatures! And even though Edmund ran off and scorned Aslan at first, he enters battle, decked in full war gear. He becomes key in leading the battle. Sure, Peter and Oromis are leading it first and foremost, but Edmund is critical here, too.

You want to talk about amazing turnarounds? How about the fact he is the one to break the White Witch’s wand? This wand turned Tumnus to stone. This wand was used to threaten Edmund to go against his siblings, captive under Jadis. Edmund takes the wand of the person with whom he was once allied… and breaks it. Whereas once Edmund was willing to bring his family into Jadis, now he is the one preventing anyone from being turned to stone by her. Amazing moment. In fact, this makes it even more incredible because Edmund knew how dangerous this move would be. He knew he would probably get killed for making this heroic move… but he also feels so convicted to end the reign of the White Witch that he charges out to do it anyway.

Can we talk about a huge character growth in that like whoa???!!!

Edmund is so willing to fight for Aslan against Jadis he almost dies. Like, this poor kid has such a ridiculous adventure. He almost dies once in the hands of Jadis. Then, once his siblings FINALLY HAVE HIM BACK, he goes about in battle and GETS MORTALLY STABBED. I mean seriously, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

In the end, Edmund becomes Edmund the Just. And so I love this character. He becomes someone noble, whom you truly think is noble. You don’t think about Edmund as being a horrible traitor by the time his adventures in Narnia finish. That means so much to me, that fact that his turnaround marks him becoming one of the greatest proponents for Narnia’s freedom. The fact that Edmund the traitor can become Edmund the Just is wowing.

He feels the incredibleness of it, too. He feels the incredibleness of Aslan’s forgiveness, how much Aslan believes in him. Look at that amazed smile during his coronation.

So yeah. Amazing character, amazing character interactions, amazing character growth. Edmund is a hero of the story - the most dynamic and the most memorable. I said I liked slimy people? Well, I do. But someone who turns into an honorable hero in the end after all of this previous drama gets me even more excited.

From a theological standpoint (since The Chronicles of Narnia is steeped in Christian allegory), Edmund’s story also means so much. Lucy believed easily. Peter and Susan were more reluctant, but once they came into this world, they went along with the Beavers and the Narnia resistance well enough. Edmund is the character who shows how much God is willing to save, how God is willing to save ANYONE, even traitors. And it shows that even people who have rejected God willingly can turn around and become some of His most loyal, impacting followers. Edmund shows the full extent of God’s salvation and saving grace more than any of the others, for he’s the one who’s shown with the worst “scum” and early decisions. And yet he becomes JUST as worthy of being a king as his siblings. Aslan didn’t discriminate, and God doesn’t either.

Those are just some of the reasons I love Edmund. There are more, of course. The fact that Edmund has SUCH GOOD LINES and SO MUCH SASS. YES KING EDMUND SASS! Best thing ever. Skandar Keynes also happens to be my age, so it was really easy for me to find him very attractive when he and I were teenagers I know I know shut up. But I think what I love most about Edmund is that he is the character who turned away from Aslan first, and then came back. It brings SO much to the story in terms of plot, in terms of character dynamics, in terms of raw emotion, in terms of theological implication. Edmund is an amazing character through and through and through. 

Assorted Game Grumps starters part 3

❝How am I supposed to walk around with a taut sphincter now for the next twenty five hours.❞
❝I’ve learned the importance of being cuddled.❞
❝Put a stamp on my forehead. Shits getting real!❞
❝Baths are amazing, especially when you bring a friend.❞
❝Here’s a ring pop, baby. It’s you favorite flavor: divorce!❞
❝Jesus, you gotta wine and dine me first. You can’t just open up with that shit.❞
❝What, you wanna try diplomacy? He’s a fucking crab!❞
❝‘Bonfire’ is made up of two words: ‘bonf’ and ‘ire.’❞
❝Is this whole game a Christian allegory for redemption?❞
❝God, no one get’s tail like jugglers, man.❞
❝These balls are coming at me fast and furious. It’s like that movie, ‘Speed.’❞
❝Hold on to your tits, everyone. This is happening.❞
❝_______, as I was about to say, revenge is a dish best served fuck you.❞
❝Oh man you little tumble weed fuck get back here.❞
❝When someone says ‘just fuck me up’ on the internet that means have sex with me in a rough, passionate manner, correct?❞
❝This feels so slippery. This is like sliding a wet sandwich down a hill with your tongue.❞
❝I love you. I love your fucking brain.❞
❝Yeah, you can feel me. Any fuckin’ time you want, dude. I am right here next to you. Just waiting.❞
❝Young man, there’s no need to feel sass. I said young man, stick your hand in my ass.❞
❝His parents aren’t home and he’s invited me over! I can’t wait to get fucked!❞
❝Water is just… air juice.❞
❝Any self-respecting baby would be in awe of my parenting skills right now.❞
❝I moved to Madagascar… where my best friend was a SLOTH!❞
❝Holy shitfuck, great balls of fire.❞
❝I have to take off my jacket because I’m getting hot because this sucks so bad.❞
❝Who wears pants anymore? So 2015.❞
❝I’m in a totally different spot now. Like a spot I wasn’t before.❞
❝I hate playing games with you.❞
❝Look, you tell a couple jokes as a dad and suddenly everyone’s like ‘you’re making dad jokes.’❞
❝As long as I live, I will never stop loving your random bursts of outrage.❞
❝Um, did you see how strong his bullet was?❞
❝I love watching you guys suffer.❞
❝Be honest and faithful to your loved ones. And second to that…be fucking radical as shit.❞
❝I’m gonna touch somebody’s butt, and I don’t know who it’s gonna be.❞