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‘GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL 2′ IS OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED “FRESH” ON ROTTEN TOMATOES!

‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2′ is officially certified fresh with a tomatometer score of 88%, an averaged critical score of 7.2/10, and the mode (most awarded) critical score from critics being an 8/10!

Captain America: “Well, as weird as it has been to adjust to modern life, at least I don’t have to worry about evil Nazis anymore or them getting elected and taking over America and France on a wave of racism, bigotry and hatred. It’s 2017, after all.”

*pause*

Captain America: “Wait….wait…FUCKING WHAT?????!!!!!!”

Hey, Jesse Watters. You’re in the news again, but not for being bafflingly racist against Asian people this time. Instead, you scolded a crowd for booing Ivanka Trump, chiding them for being disrespectful. And in that same moist, smug breath, you let plop out: “But, uh, I really like the way she was speaking into that microphone.” To prevent any misinterpretation of this as an innocently unintentional innuendo, you smirked so greasily that your lips slid off your face.

Then, perhaps feeling the vague sense that “maybe I shouldn’t have made a coy BJ joke on the heels of Bill O'Reilly being fired for sexual harassment,” you jittered your oily fingers against a keyboard and beat out the masterpiece seen above.

Now listen, blowjob mic guy. Can I call you Blowjob Mike? Cool. Listen, Blowjob Mike. You know this is bullshit, we know this is bullshit, you know we know this is bullshit. This as much an apology as a dollop of warm mayonnaise between two pieces of limp lettuce is a sandwich.

Sorry, Jesse Watters, We Can’t All Be Chris Pratt