chow-down

Our party—a bard, a fighter, and a ranger—were on a one-off side quest to deliver a letter to somebody. He wasn’t at his house (learned after breaking in, to the DM’s dismay), so we found out the general area he was in and went there, confusion in our wake and a spring in our steps. I, the bard, had decided that I would funnel every ounce of skill I possessed into charisma, and at level 5 had a +6 modifier. I had been using that power at every opportunity that arose. We wander through the foothills full of caves, looking for this guy, when our fighter rolls a nat 20 perception trying to look for any signs of life.

DM: You—okay, so. Yeah. With that, you actually notice about fifty feet away that a particular cluster of bushes is rustling just slightly, but not with the breeze.

Fighter: Oh. Cool. “Hey guys, I think there are some folks in those bushes over there.”

Me: “Cool beans! HELLOOOOOOO, MY DUDES!”

DM: There’s a few seconds of silence before four guys come slowly forward from the bushes. They look pretty rough and tough, and uh—

Ranger: Can I roll perception? Uh… that’s a 15.

DM: You deduce that they’re probably bandits or something. They’re walking forward and one of the guys says, “Who are you little pests, and what’re ya doing in these here foothills of ours?”

Me: “We’re just hanging out, traveling, and actually it seems like a good time to break for breakfast if you lovely gents would like to join us! I can brew us up some chamomile, I have like a thousand mushrooms I got earlier—”

Fighter: “I got that chicken, too, and jerky.”

Me: “Oh hell yeah, we’re gonna chow down if y'all want in on that action.”

DM: That’s, uh… that’s persuasion, advantage because you’re offering them food and seem too dumb to be dangerous.

Me: Thanks man. Uh… 14 total.

DM: *head in his hands* I just—okay, they join you for breakfast I guess. And yet again you avoid a fight I planned for you. One of the dudes breaks out some eggs from somewhere.

Ranger: What’re their names?

DM: Uh, uh, they—it’s got. There’s Bablo, Sanchez, Kent, and uh. Eskabar.

Me: Cool. I roll to flirt with them.

DM: ………<i>all of them???</i> I mean… sure?? I guess??

Me: Hells yeah. Rolling.

Proceeds to roll: 16, 19, and <i>two natural 20s</i>.

DM: *head on the table* Like. You—you make your fellow party members super uncomfortable. You are piled under boys, it’s kinda gross but super chill for you. Kent wasn’t super into the whole group thing before, but now he would straight up die for you. He’s learning a lot about himself today.

Me: I’m gonna write those names down for later. Can I put “a boys harem” in my items list?

Public School Is A Goddamn Disater, Part 2: The Lovecraftian Madness of Machismo

Part 1 here, AKA: the Mantisocalypse (you don;t have to read it to understand this one, but you should anyway)

Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Attempted Murder, Sexual Content, Stalking, Abuse, Animal Abuse Mention, Emetophobia, US Public Education, Military Industrial Complex.  I’ve been told this is my most disturbing story, even if it’s hilarious, so mind your health.  All the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and Not-So-Innocent.

This is the story of Recruiting Sergeant Scott VS. The Lacrosse Jocks VS. Yours truly.

To understand this story, you must understand the dystopian hellscape that is US Public High School- I went to the NICE high school in town, with the AP curriculum and new building, where the the kids were generally too obsessed with getting into the ivy league to do anything worse than occasionally smoke on the roof.  Not even weed, just regular cigs.  During their off-periods, so they’d have time to febreeze their clothes and arrive to their next class early.  You know, the most boring fucking kids ever.

AND STILL, we were subjected to the various scourges of US public ed, namely-

-on-campus police officers and regular “what to do in case of a columbine event” drill.  We had Officer Munoz, who was a wonderful Latina Woman with the good sense to focus her efforts on getting kids away from abusive parents rather than persecuting brown kids, but we were VERY lucky on that front.  Still, having someone walking around with a gun and technically the authority to kill you, and having to hide in the science cabinets three times a year fucks you up.  Remember Officer Munoz though, She is Important.

- A weird, cult-like, frankly masturbatory attitude regarding athletic achievement.  The arts and sciences were stuck doing bake sales for supplies while the gym got re-done two years after the school opened.  This was tempered in an odd way at my school in that literally all the sports teams unequivocally sucked, with the exception of 

1.Marching Band, which went to nationals twice in the first two years the school was open 

2.Knowledge Bowl, where kevin and I took the team to 3rd in state in our first year, and only lost because Kevin had an asthma attack so we decided to let the other teams fight over the ‘lesser’ medals 

3.Lacrosse, which didn’t actually didn’t GO anywhere, but was a “real” sport and beat our ‘rival’ school, so the team got to be Big Men On Campus, and get away with all kinds of nonsense like eating in class when everyone else was forbidden or skipping tests for ‘practice’.  The three worst offenders were Dustin, Jack and “Rattlesnake Pete”, all of whom were budding neo-nazis and thus signed up for German.  With our Jewish teacher.  Remember them too.

-On-campus military recruiters.  As in, people who are legally allowed to exaggerate, manipulate and actually lie to minors to convince them to join the armed forces.  Ours was Sergeant Scott, and as much of a skeevy rat as he was I honestly felt bad for him, because remember, academic magnet high school so he had three kinds of kids to work with:

  • Kids who made the physical standards for the armed forces and were all about honoring their country via physical labor, but were dumb as shit and couldn’t pass the written exam.
  • Kids who could pass the written exam and were totally ready to bully some people in the third world, but couldn’t do a pull up if you covered the gym floor in cobras.
  • Kids who passed the physical and mental portions but were uniformly rabidly anti-military industrial complex, to the point where 35 of them crammed into his cubicle in the office he shared with Officer Munoz and Janitor Wendy, so they could hold a sit-in protest of the Iraq war and chant “Impeach Bush” and “War is Murder” at him  Someone chucked red paint on him, because they’re furious immature teenagers.  It was his first day.

Poor bastard.  Remember Him as well.

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I was talking to my friend the other day and trying to convince her to listen to Be More Chill, and, naturally, she asked me what it was about. I didn’t stop to think about what I was saying, and I heard the words leave my mouth before I could process them. “It’s about a teenage boy who is sexually frustrated so he… eats… a computer.”

Long story short I’ve been laughing for three days. I think she replied, “How is that even a plot?” but I couldn’t hear over the sound of my manic cackling.

#jeremyeatscomputers

6

“Take my believing heart!”

Little Witch Persona AU anyone? Phantom witches?? Witch thieves???

**Please DO NOT edit, use, or repost any of these! Thank you!

Nine New Phantom Witches

character profiles, concepts and dialogues under the cut!

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Why I Quit German

WARNINGS: This story is really gross and/or horrifying but also hilarious imho.  Your health always comes first, so mind the tags:  Violence, Cannibalism Mention, Suicidal Ideation, Feces, Sleep Deprivation, Airplanes, I generally had a really bad time but now it’s hysterical.  Most of the story is under the cut because it’s eight miles long.


In August of 2009 I flew back to Honolulu to do my sophomore year of college with the intention of entering 400-level german. What happened instead is the closest I’ve ever come to personally dying or actually murdering someone.

The problem started the day before my flight, when I attended a birthday party for a very dear cousin in Denver, and due to be in 1 of 2 adults present, ended up driving a bunch of teenagers home and didn’t get home until 12:30 that night.  Oh well, my flight’s at 6AM anyway, I’ll just stay up. I can sleep on the plane, I thought, like a complete fucking fool.

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2

We all know Inklings love to grab a bite at Crusty Sean’s new food-truck venture, the aptly named Crust Bucket. Chow down on these deep-fried snacks and you’ll get more cash and experience from battles. However, it seems the only currency that Sean accepts is “tickets” which can be earned in Octo Canyon or Salmon Run.

banora-white-aka-dumbapple  asked:

The minute I saw "That time a bear broke into the house while I was stoned on cold meds." I knew I had to search your family lore tags to see if you mentioned it before. Whenever you're up for it, mind telling about it? I'm actually curious how did you realize it? Were you alone the entire time?

Ok, so it actually happened ON my 16th birthday, so October of 2006, two years after we moved to CO. I was attending the Germ Pit of Public High School, and got sick about a month in.  I was the sort of phenomenally boring child that didn’t have a curfew because I never went anywhere, and we had Cody, the Gentleman Shepherd at the time, so my parents felt it was OK to leave me alone for a few hours while they did errands.  

There’s something up with either the Bipolar or my allergies, but pretty much all respiratory medications make me hallucinate.  Doesn’t matter if it’s benadryl, nyquil or nasal spray, twenty minutes in I’ll be out of my goddamn mind.  But it beats not being able to breathe. So I’m in my bedroom upstairs bedroom, convinced I’m growing an exoskeleton, While Cody sits on the bed next to me, doing the Shepherd Thing where he plants his ass in front of my face and watches all the doors and windows.

I have nearly passed out when I think I hear a weird popping noise outside, but assume that it’s just me developing mandibles, so I don’t think much of it.  Cody, being the Responsible Adult, gets up to investigate.

A moment later, I hear him Barking, and know something is Amiss.  This dog Does Not Bark.  he didn’t bark when we picked him up at the shelter, he doesn’t bark at the door or the foxes or anything, but he is barking now.  I warp myself in the Extra-Soft Rainbow Unicorn Blanket for protection, and stumble downstairs.

For some context, the downstairs has an office, with a large set of sliding glass doors and a concrete porch, then a large wall with a heavy door that leads to a mudroom, which has a shitty little screen door leading to the outside.  It was in this room that we kept the cat food and littler box, because 1. they stank. 2. Cody would occasionally want to play with the cats Too Much and they could hide in there.  

Out on the porch is the Department Of Wildlife sharpshooter, pointing her tranquilizer gun into the Mudroom.  I squint through the haze of dayquil through the heavy door (which has a window) at…

It took me a good minute to realize that was a Bear eating the cat food, because my first thought was “When did we get a shag sofa?”.  Then DOW guy shot him in the ass in the dart, and I watched as a 300lb black bear dove THROUGH the door shitty screen door he’d gotten in through (It was the kind that closes behind you) and run off to the field across the street, pursued by four agents with dogs and bear mace.

The DOW sharpshooter, named Debbie, apparently couldn’t see the wall between us from where she was standing, and was very relived that neither of us had been mauled.   She stayed with me while I called my parents, and even gave me some stickers.  The bear had apparently gone though my whole neighborhood in a fit of hyperphagic madness, chowing down on garbage, cat food, a small vineyard’s worth of grapes and a couple of Mrs. Chin’s goldfish.

They successfully tranquilized the bear, and took him up to Pingree to be hazed and released, where he would hopefully leave people alone.

BTW, if you ever have to call your parents in a situation like this, leaving a voicemail of “Hey mom, I’m okay now, but a bear broke into the house and the Department of Wildlife wants to talk to you.” is not going to help your parents remain calm.

First year Scorpius and Albus having a midnight sweets party in Scorpius’ bed! (I blame @torestoreamends for planting the acorn that grew into this eventual painting :p)

Just some doodle musings on what I imagine the various phase of McHanzo and their respective age. Themed for yesterday’s pocky day. Working is getting to me. I’m not going to have much full content out until I get used to this new schedule of mine.

Kid McCree’s too busy chowing down this new treat to even start the game, the teens hate each other’s guts and the adults are being indecent, as they always are in our mind. 

AFTERCARE WITH SUB BTS

Seokjin:

★'hey jagi!’
★'hm?’
★'wanna hear a bondage joke?’
★'no’
★'i’d tell you, but i’m all tied up at the moment’
★he’d laugh to himself while you untie him
★the second the restraints are removed, he’s pulling you to him and kissing all over your face
★'i’m sorry i doubted that it wouldn’t feel good! it was mind blowing!’
★lots of giggles
★knows alot of sex jokes
★'shut up and let me go so i can make food’
★'not hungry’
★and you kinda just ?????
★'but you love food’
★'i like cuddling you more’


Yoongi:

★he’ll watch you in silence as you unstrap his wrists
★his eyes would be full of pure love
★like look at my baby being on top where he/she belongs
★wow
★you’d massage his wrists and kiss over the red marks
★which makes him blush
★the atmosphere would be so relaxed
★you’d throw the ropes to the side and cuddled down into him
★you didn’t need to verbalize your ‘i love yous’
★because from the small actions he knew
★and it make him feel loved
★or like he could explode from joy at any second


Hoseok:

★he needs all the skin to skin contact
★seriously
★if he’s not pressed into you with your hands in his hair
★he’ be grumpy
★favours being close to you rather than being cleaned up
★'hobi, you’re covered in candle wax, you need to wash it off’
★'jagi i die a little bit each time you’re away from me’
★you can’t even sneak away while he’s sleeping
★because he’ll know


Namjoon:

★likes to bathe with you after
★he’ll sit pressed back against you while your hands rub his shoulders
★'i didn’t know that that would feel good. i almost lost my mind’
★i think he likes the after care more
★because he gets to curl up to you, make small talk, and get praised
★it’s just you two in the entire world
★falls asleep the second you two get into bed
★doesn’t snore after sex somehow


Jimin:

★this bun will be so done after such extreme activities
★he’ll have just enough energy left to join you in the shower
★but he’ll just stand there while you wash him and dry him
★if any part of him needs it cream will be added before putting on your pyjamas
★which consists of black sweatpants and shirt
★his sleep glazed eyes will follow you as you move around
★i’m fine, jagi, just get in bed with me’
★still won’t give up his big spoon role
★falls asleep the second you’re pressed against him


Taehyung:

★he’ll just relax into bed and sigh contently
★his hazy eyes watch you as you clean him up
★offering a bath will be a waste
★he just wants to cuddle in bed with you
★recovers quickly
★meaning he’ll go back to talking
★probably about some cat he saw earlier
★or you two will make meaningless chit chat
★he’ll be the one talking you to sleep


Jungkook:

★you need to go hard with this one
★or else he’ll try take over
★so when you’re done, he’ll be sore
★he’ll lay on the bed and rub over where’s sore while you prepare his pyjamas and order food
★could eat an entire buffet after sex
★'you better have ordered extra wings. i earned them’
★matching onsies
★you two watch telly and chow down on a banquet until you’re sleepy
★another one that won’t give up his place as big spoon

Crooked Nature - Negan Imagine

Pairing: Negan & Reader

Prompt: [REQUESTED] ~ “Can I get a one shot where you’re rick’s teenage daughter and one of the saviors always gets in your face/touches you inappropriately and when you finally tell your dad you don’t know that negans listening and he punishes the man(all your imagines are great and I know this one will be too”

Word Count: 1330

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Warnings & A/N: mentions of inappropriate language directed towards a minor, assault on a minor (not rape - chill)

Theme: Angst

Originally posted by grungedaddykinks

Originally posted by blackcanarywrites

Another day had come where The Savior’s came to collect rations from Alexandria. As much as your father attempted to sugarcoat it, you knew the groups linked to the same ‘deal’ that your group had, were planning on defeating the Savior’s for once and for all.

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5

YOI Future!Verse ABO AU - OC Kids in Halloween Costumes 🎃

Whose GENIUS idea was it to give Yuuji an actual edible Halloween costume?!?! He’s got a stomach ache from gorging on candy BEFORE WE’VE LEFT THE HOUSE. - Yuuri

(the answer: a well-meaning husband(s) who declines to be identified for fear of Yuuri’s wrath)

One last Halloween post! Since i didn’t get to add them the day of ^ ^; Super quick and sloppy sketches, but eh I’m allowed to not put in maximum effort sometimes ^ ^;

(Featuring OC kids Yasha,  Shura, Arisa, and Yuuji)

🎃 See the adults/canon YOI charas in Halloween costumes HERE 🎃.

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IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS AU: It’s a Yuri!!! on Ice AU, Yuuri-centric with end-game polyamory in an ABO setting, Yuuri gets married to four mates (Victor, Yurio, Phichit, Minami) and they have OC kids.

BASICS and timeline of this AU

OTHER POSTS (comics + illustrations) in the Future!Verse ABO section of my YOI Masterpost.

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Please keep ship bashing out of the comments/tags. Don’t like, just skip <3 Thank you.

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PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, EDIT, TRANSLATE, OR OTHERWISE USE MY ART. More detailed rules available on my Rules & FAQ Post.

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Some Headcanons beneath cut

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