Our party—a bard, a fighter, and a ranger—were on a one-off side quest to deliver a letter to somebody. He wasn’t at his house (learned after breaking in, to the DM’s dismay), so we found out the general area he was in and went there, confusion in our wake and a spring in our steps. I, the bard, had decided that I would funnel every ounce of skill I possessed into charisma, and at level 5 had a +6 modifier. I had been using that power at every opportunity that arose. We wander through the foothills full of caves, looking for this guy, when our fighter rolls a nat 20 perception trying to look for any signs of life.

DM: You—okay, so. Yeah. With that, you actually notice about fifty feet away that a particular cluster of bushes is rustling just slightly, but not with the breeze.

Fighter: Oh. Cool. “Hey guys, I think there are some folks in those bushes over there.”

Me: “Cool beans! HELLOOOOOOO, MY DUDES!”

DM: There’s a few seconds of silence before four guys come slowly forward from the bushes. They look pretty rough and tough, and uh—

Ranger: Can I roll perception? Uh… that’s a 15.

DM: You deduce that they’re probably bandits or something. They’re walking forward and one of the guys says, “Who are you little pests, and what’re ya doing in these here foothills of ours?”

Me: “We’re just hanging out, traveling, and actually it seems like a good time to break for breakfast if you lovely gents would like to join us! I can brew us up some chamomile, I have like a thousand mushrooms I got earlier—”

Fighter: “I got that chicken, too, and jerky.”

Me: “Oh hell yeah, we’re gonna chow down if y'all want in on that action.”

DM: That’s, uh… that’s persuasion, advantage because you’re offering them food and seem too dumb to be dangerous.

Me: Thanks man. Uh… 14 total.

DM: *head in his hands* I just—okay, they join you for breakfast I guess. And yet again you avoid a fight I planned for you. One of the dudes breaks out some eggs from somewhere.

Ranger: What’re their names?

DM: Uh, uh, they—it’s got. There’s Bablo, Sanchez, Kent, and uh. Eskabar.

Me: Cool. I roll to flirt with them.

DM: ………<i>all of them???</i> I mean… sure?? I guess??

Me: Hells yeah. Rolling.

Proceeds to roll: 16, 19, and <i>two natural 20s</i>.

DM: *head on the table* Like. You—you make your fellow party members super uncomfortable. You are piled under boys, it’s kinda gross but super chill for you. Kent wasn’t super into the whole group thing before, but now he would straight up die for you. He’s learning a lot about himself today.

Me: I’m gonna write those names down for later. Can I put “a boys harem” in my items list?

I was talking to my friend the other day and trying to convince her to listen to Be More Chill, and, naturally, she asked me what it was about. I didn’t stop to think about what I was saying, and I heard the words leave my mouth before I could process them. “It’s about a teenage boy who is sexually frustrated so he… eats… a computer.”

Long story short I’ve been laughing for three days. I think she replied, “How is that even a plot?” but I couldn’t hear over the sound of my manic cackling.


First year Scorpius and Albus having a midnight sweets party in Scorpius’ bed! (I blame @torestoreamends for planting the acorn that grew into this eventual painting :p)


“The scene where I was eating fried chicken, they made me vegan fried chicken. They did an amazing job. They took a turkey dog and tofurky and battered it, and deep fried it. I haven’t had meat in so long. I’ve been vegan for five years and vegetarian for 15 years, so if I had had meat, I wouldn’t have been able to do the scene. They all thought I was just chowing down.” - Jessica Chastain

This Day in 1D History - June 13


  • Liam auditions for the TXF judges!!! (and passes with flying colors <33) 


  • breakfast time :) x


  • Up All Night Tour concert – San Jose, USA, feat. Ziall covering Shot for Me!!


  • Nouis are too cute at the pre-show M&Gs
  • Take Me Home Tour concert – Sunrise, USA


  • Where We Are Tour concert – Stockholm, Sweden


  • backstage Brussels boys!
  • On the Road Again Tour concert—Brussels, Belgium, feat. 18 and No Control added to the setlist!!
More Humans Being Weird

Humans have many hundreds of them, and most section off from just one.
Like, I swear, there are 300+ types of Christianity alone.
But what if Aliens don’t have religion, or if they do, they’ve only ever had one at a time?
“Human Mansur, why are you not eating? It is your designated fueling time.” K'ilan'abur'snjuu inquired, worried for his human companion’s health
“Oh, um, hey K'ilan, well, I’m partaking in a religious observance, during which I’m not supposed to eat for twelve hours of the day.” Mansur shrugged. “My brothers, Nabil and Anís, keep calling to complain about it.”
“Well, then why is Human Betty eating?” K'ilan glanced at their other human, happily chowing down on a cheeseburger.
“Because she follows a different religion than me.” Mansur explained.
“Forget it, Manny, T'shridans don’t understand religion. Their species never had any.” Betty called over, speaking around her mouthful of burger.
“I know what religion is, and what religious rights are!” K'ilan protested. “They are a species’ ways of feeling connected with their internal organs!”
Both Mansur and Betty paused for a moment before bursting out laughing.
“What did I say?” K'ilan asked, confused. “Human Mansur, Human Betty?” Mansur just patted the part of K'ilan that was about the same place as a shoulder, and walked off.

banora-white-aka-dumbapple  asked:

The minute I saw "That time a bear broke into the house while I was stoned on cold meds." I knew I had to search your family lore tags to see if you mentioned it before. Whenever you're up for it, mind telling about it? I'm actually curious how did you realize it? Were you alone the entire time?

Ok, so it actually happened ON my 16th birthday, so October of 2006, two years after we moved to CO. I was attending the Germ Pit of Public High School, and got sick about a month in.  I was the sort of phenomenally boring child that didn’t have a curfew because I never went anywhere, and we had Cody, the Gentleman Shepherd at the time, so my parents felt it was OK to leave me alone for a few hours while they did errands.  

There’s something up with either the Bipolar or my allergies, but pretty much all respiratory medications make me hallucinate.  Doesn’t matter if it’s benadryl, nyquil or nasal spray, twenty minutes in I’ll be out of my goddamn mind.  But it beats not being able to breathe. So I’m in my bedroom upstairs bedroom, convinced I’m growing an exoskeleton, While Cody sits on the bed next to me, doing the Shepherd Thing where he plants his ass in front of my face and watches all the doors and windows.

I have nearly passed out when I think I hear a weird popping noise outside, but assume that it’s just me developing mandibles, so I don’t think much of it.  Cody, being the Responsible Adult, gets up to investigate.

A moment later, I hear him Barking, and know something is Amiss.  This dog Does Not Bark.  he didn’t bark when we picked him up at the shelter, he doesn’t bark at the door or the foxes or anything, but he is barking now.  I warp myself in the Extra-Soft Rainbow Unicorn Blanket for protection, and stumble downstairs.

For some context, the downstairs has an office, with a large set of sliding glass doors and a concrete porch, then a large wall with a heavy door that leads to a mudroom, which has a shitty little screen door leading to the outside.  It was in this room that we kept the cat food and littler box, because 1. they stank. 2. Cody would occasionally want to play with the cats Too Much and they could hide in there.  

Out on the porch is the Department Of Wildlife sharpshooter, pointing her tranquilizer gun into the Mudroom.  I squint through the haze of dayquil through the heavy door (which has a window) at…

It took me a good minute to realize that was a Bear eating the cat food, because my first thought was “When did we get a shag sofa?”.  Then DOW guy shot him in the ass in the dart, and I watched as a 300lb black bear dove THROUGH the door shitty screen door he’d gotten in through (It was the kind that closes behind you) and run off to the field across the street, pursued by four agents with dogs and bear mace.

The DOW sharpshooter, named Debbie, apparently couldn’t see the wall between us from where she was standing, and was very relived that neither of us had been mauled.   She stayed with me while I called my parents, and even gave me some stickers.  The bear had apparently gone though my whole neighborhood in a fit of hyperphagic madness, chowing down on garbage, cat food, a small vineyard’s worth of grapes and a couple of Mrs. Chin’s goldfish.

They successfully tranquilized the bear, and took him up to Pingree to be hazed and released, where he would hopefully leave people alone.

BTW, if you ever have to call your parents in a situation like this, leaving a voicemail of “Hey mom, I’m okay now, but a bear broke into the house and the Department of Wildlife wants to talk to you.” is not going to help your parents remain calm.

Spa day for the manta ray! 

Here, small cleaner wrasse clean parasites and dead tissue from a manta ray in Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary. Talk about a powerful exfoliator! By chowing down on parasites, cleaner wrasse provide rays and other fish an important service, protecting them from disease and keeping them healthy for years to come. 

(Photo: Ed Lyman/NOAA)

Crooked Nature - Negan Imagine

Pairing: Negan & Reader

Prompt: [REQUESTED] ~ “Can I get a one shot where you’re rick’s teenage daughter and one of the saviors always gets in your face/touches you inappropriately and when you finally tell your dad you don’t know that negans listening and he punishes the man(all your imagines are great and I know this one will be too”

Word Count: 1330

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Warnings & A/N: mentions of inappropriate language directed towards a minor, assault on a minor (not rape - chill)

Theme: Angst

Originally posted by grungedaddykinks

Originally posted by blackcanarywrites

Another day had come where The Savior’s came to collect rations from Alexandria. As much as your father attempted to sugarcoat it, you knew the groups linked to the same ‘deal’ that your group had, were planning on defeating the Savior’s for once and for all.

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Chips and Opinions

Prompt: Can you do something with Jason x reader where she’s new in the batfam? Like she got kidnapped by the joker and scarecrow but their fear toxin didn’t have effect on her cuz she was brave so when B finds her he kind of adopted her but she isn’t a vigilante and she’s like “aren’t you too old for that supertight suit?” “no kid I never kicked anyone ass”. You don’t have to do this request if it makes you uncomfortable or something

Requested By: ANON
AN: Ended up making this just a bat fam fic, without a pairing. Just couldn’t work it in.

   Fear was not something you thought about. If something happened, it happened. If it didn’t, then it didn’t. So when you end up sprayed with Scarecrow’s mist, and you just stand there, staring at him, while everyone else in the mall is screaming their head off, you can understand how that attracts some attention.

   Why a billionaire feels the need to adopt you though …you’re not quite sure. Especially when you have no desire to join his merry gang of crime fighters. You do however, want to eat that entire can of pringles in the pantry.

   That’s how they find you, chowing down on three pringles at a time, and seeing if you can fit a whole one in your mouth without breaking it. They’re still dressed in their costumes when they come up. Jason just stares at you for a minute before taking the can, and taking about ten of your chips.

   You scowl, and he ruffles your hair. “Food is fuel squirt.” And then he disappears.

   Dick is next, he grabs three cookies off the waiting plate, smiles at you, and vanishes into the hall. Then it’s Tim. He says nothing, and instead heads straight to the coffee maker. Eventually Bruce drags himself out of the cave.

   He stares at you, “Is that your second can of chips today?”

“Aren’t you too old to be wearing a suit like that?” Tim chuckles, and Bruce scowls, before wandering out of the kitchen.  

That’s when Damian pops up, “How did you convince Pennyworth to buy those for you?”

You pop another chip in your mouth, “I asked nicely. Said please.” And without another word you hop down off your stool and walk out of the kitchen.

As you walk away you hear Tim say, “For a six year old, she sure can be vicious.”    

{PART 3} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU

Originally posted by jengkook

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Vampire!AU, Fantasy, Angst, Smut

Summary; Thinking that you’re about to be fired, you start panicking about how you’ll survive with no job. Jungkook still can’t answer the many questions he has about you - and he questions himself in turn.

{Part 1} {Part 2} {Part 3} {Part 4}

I update this series every Tuesday evening, 9pm-10pm (UK Time)

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