Request: Can you please write a part 4 of mistakes it’s the best so far!! Please keep writing and I was wondering if part 4 is where like maybe the reader is so upset with herself she tries to kill herself and just when she does that Dean saves her and says it’s okay that he’s not mad anymore??? Thanks and keep writing oneshots!!!!
Request: Omg. Please do a part four of mistakes that shows them binding again. Please you beautiful lovely creature of the earth.
A/N: Sorry if this is no good, I wrote this at 4 in the morning…..
Choices. It was a funny thing that no one seemed to really take any notice of. No one thought about how little choices could make the biggest changes/decisions in their life. Like how maybe deciding to go left instead of right could lead you to bump into your soul mate?
Deciding to leave the house 5 minutes later could stop you from being hit with a car. Deciding to stay at home rather than go to the bar could stop you from sleeping with your best friend/boyfriends brother.
Little choices like that made drastic events in your life take place. Who knows? Maybe they were meant to happen? Or maybe it was fate deciding to take a cruel twist on your life.
You couldn’t see how you cheating on the love of your life was at any shape or form good. No matter at what perspective you looked at it from, you couldn’t see a single good thing about it.
And that’s why you were standing on the ledge of the bridge in front of you. It scared you how easily a life could be taken away. How easy it was to end it all. Just one swift move and you would be falling into oblivion as you watched it all fade away.
You were scared. Of course you were, you’d be stupid not to be. Luckily for you, you knew what followed after death. That scared some people, not knowing where they were going to end up. Whether they were going to hell or heaven, or whether it was just nothing.
But unlucky for you. You didn’t know whether you had a one way ticket to heaven or a special place saved just for you in hell. But this pain that stabbed at your heart strings made hell seem like heaven itself, like a great place to be. You couldn’t bear the thought of Dean loathing himself as his relationship with his brother fell to pieces bit by bit, day by day.
It was all you fault and you needed to take responsibility for it. You breathed out watching as your breath caught with the wind and changed into a smoke-y fog. You sighed as you reached deep into your pockets to fish out your phone. When you hit something hard you brought it out with nimble fingers and brought it to your face.
Clicking the little lock at the top, you winced when light flooded the screen and clawed at your eyes. You tried not to move to much as you let a sharp breath fall from your parted lips before squinting your eyes.
When your eyes finally adjusted to the brightness of the screen you peered through the darkness and began to scroll through your contacts. You hesitated before pressing the dial button and pressed the cool object to your slightly reddened ear.
The phone buzzed almost provokingly as you finally heard a click and shuffling sounds.
“(Y/n)?’‘Dean’s voice grumbled out from the phone. It was slightly statically but that was due to the phone. ’'It’s four in the morning’'He groaned. His voice was hoarse and that was due to the tiredness of his voice. His voice was laced with sleepiness but held concern tinted in it. Calling at four was not a good start.
As soon as he heard you hoarse voice break, Dean was shot up out of his comfy safe bed and yanking on his shirt. You could hear things being knocked about as he fumbled for his clothes from the day before.
“(y/n)? Baby what’s going on?’'He whispered, voice filled with panic. For all he knew you could have just twisted your ankle or you could be in a life or death situation. He didn’t even ask which one it was he didn’t care if it was a silly thing like getting scared at night, he just knew he had to get you.
’'I’m sorry’'You cried.Dean’s breath filled the phone as he stopped his fumbling.You could tell he was probably sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling his shoes on.
Your breath hitched just remembering the memory of the older Winchester sitting on the edge of the bed when you woke up to find he was shirtless and tugging his boots on. You remember running your cool hand over his silky smooth back. You remember him groaning at your touch as he turned around and pressed his lips against yours.
And now all that was gone. Thanks to you.
’'I screwed everything up. And I’m so sorry’'You whimpered, fingers grasping at your jumper sleeve as you glanced down at the calm water beneath you. Your hair flipped and swirled in the wind, getting stuck to your wet lips and face in the process.
’'Hey, hey. I forgive you remember. And-’'He sighed before taking a breath. ’'I want you back. (y/n), I know I said I didn’t but I missed you like crazy. I can’t sleep, eat or do anything.’'He breathed out through the phone. ’'I’m miserable without you”.
“I know you forgive me Dean. But I can’t forgive myself. And you shouldn’t want me back. What I did was wrong and terrible.’'You sniffed. ’'I’m a terrible person”
“No, no you’re not!’'Dean scolded softly.
’'I’m sorry Dean. I just wanted to call to let you know that I love you and I always will”
Dean’s head craned slightly as his mind started to tick. He began to process how you were crying at four in the morning, how you were telling him all this now and not if you ever saw him again or in the morning. He noted how you were crying so hard and how there was sound of traffic in the distance of the phone. Then it hit him.
He sprung out of bed as he yelled your name through the phone trying to keep you distracted for as long as he could. He raced down to the younger Winchesters room and pounded on the door. Though you and Sam had ended up sleeping together, you and Sam were still best friends.
Shuffling footsteps sounded as an annoyed irritated Sam opened the door. Dean would have taken the mick out of his messy bed hair if it was such an urgent time.
“(y/n), you stay on the phone, you hear me?’'Dean instructed nervously. At the sound of that Sam went out of sleepy mode and instantly into protective mode.
’'It’s (y/n). Sammy I think she’s going to kill herself’'Dean whispered as his hand cupped the phone.
’'Keep her talking we can trace the call’'Sam whispered as he slung on his shirt and shoes, not caring if he was wearing Pyjama bottoms.
You breathed out a nervous shaky breath from your parted lips as you dropped the phone causing it to crash to the waters. You closed your eyes for a second, trying to will away the thoughts of going back. You pried your eyes open. The view in front of you was beautiful. You didn’t want to die seeing pitch black. You wanted to die seeing the world before it ended. You deserved a peaceful end.
The lights of the building lit brighter if that was possible as you let your foot hover in the air before leaning forward. Your stomach curled as the wind nipped against your skin. Your hair whipped in the wild wind as you felt the cold water sting your skin when you broke it’s surface.
Your eyes were open for a second as you were pushed further under the waters lair. You couldn’t hear anything but your heart beat pulsing loudly. Your hair floated around your head as you felt your lung burn and itch for air. You felt pressure burning against your throat and your chest tightening. It was painful, just uncomfortable. Then you closed your eyes and let death take you away.
Dean looked over, running out of the car ignoring Sam’s calls and the horns of the angry drivers. He rushed over to the bridge, palms slapping down on the ledge where you jumped. He hadn’t seen you jump so he didn’t know how long you had jumped. He saw the ripples in the water and sighed. They were strong and not faded. You must have just jumped.
He tore of his jacket and shirt along with his boots so nothing could pry him down. Ignoring Sam’s yells he dove into the water, his hands allowing him to go deep as they were first to hit the surface.
His eyes scanned the blurry underwater as he watched fish shiver past him in fear. He used his hands to manoeuvre himself around. He began to grow helpless until he spotted you. He almost let out a breath if it wasn’t for the fact that he was underwater. You were floated downwards towards the depths of the bottom. Your skin was pale as bubbles fell from your blue lips. Eyes shut in peace and hair floating beautifully.
Sam panicked as he paced back and fourth, hands coming up to scrunch in his hair. He leaned over the edge, eyes widening when the ripples disserpeared and there was no view of his brother.
Sam jumped when he heard a huge sputterer gasp. He peered over the ledge to see you lying unconscious in Dean’s arms. Dean’s hair was flat against his forehead as he swam over to the little ledge that was easier to get up.
Sam leaned down as far as he could and hauled you over when they finally found a place where the ledge was close to the water. He winced at how heavy and cold you were. You were never heavy which meant there was a lot of water in your lungs.
Dean jumped up, using his arms to pull himself over the ledge. Sam placed you flat against the floor as he knelt over you. Dean rushed over his fingers jumping to your pulse point. He breathed a sigh when he felt you had one but it was little and fading.
’'I’ll breath for her, you do compression” Dean instructed. Sam nodded as he placed his hands above you heart and counted to three and he pushed down. Dean gripped your nose as he puffed air into your lungs.
“Come on dammit (y/n)’'Sam yelped feeling tears falling down his gentle features. He stopped as he felt your pulse was gone.
’'Dean’'Sam whispered trying to pry his older brother back. Dean growled and ripped Sam off his arm.
’'Dean she’s gone’'Sam whispered. Sam sat there as he waited for his brother to finally realize you were gone. Dean yelled as he hit the floor, his hand coming up to rest on your chest as he leaned his head on your chest. He sobbed not caring if anyone was watching. He sobbed and mourned over your dead body.
Before Dean could process anything he felt your body quiver and shake. Sam darted up and into action since Dean was still in shock. He pushed Dean away and held you up, letting all the water out of your lungs.
He patted your back as he rubbed circles just above your collar bone to help you breath. ’'Relax.It’s okay’'He soothed.
Do you think would Deacon ever change back to his original face? Maybe if he were in a romance with Sole? I'm super interested in your thoughts
Heya Nonny! Sorry for taking so long to reply.
This is a really interesting question.
Firstly, I’ll make my usual disclaimer that these are just my thoughts and aren’t things I expect or assume other people will agree with.
Secondly, while you do specify a romanced Survivor in this scenario, I think Deacon’s platonic relationship with a high-affinity Survivor is amazing and important, and if he was trying to make a decision and wanted outside opinions and/or support, he’d include his BFF.
Personally, I don’t think he’d go back to any previous face because of the line above. I’m working under the assumption that the “Big Talk” is his final affinity talk, and for someone whose identity is a big question in-game and metatextually, I think this line is a Pretty Big Deal™.
Deacon obfuscates himself in many ways (his face, name, disguises, humor) to hide from others and, I suspect, himself. Here he is, though, looking at himself in the mirror after, reflecting on what he sees, and finding it easier to do than before, thanks to emotional progress he’s made during his time with the Survivor.
What does he see when he looks in this mirror by this point? He could see that he is Deacon and the face currently wears is him. The choices he’s made and the events he’s been a part of have sculpted his face, name, and persona, and he might feel that he’s more himself now, or more ok with this face representing who he is, than the face he had at birth.
Also, his original face, more than any other, might have the heaviest memories that he might not want to revisit. That face is the one his parents gave him, complete with his dad’s nose and his mom’s eyes. It’s the face that his siblings knew, making fun of his big ears. It’s the face his first boyfriend kissed. It’s the face that took punches for being a smartass to the wrong big kid. If you’re a fan of his final affinity story being true, then that’s the face that joined the Deathclaws, the one that was complicit in lynching someone, that’s the face Barbara knew and loved. It’s the face that got him into the Railroad, that all of his first cohorts knew and trusted before the Institute attacked. His original face and all its associated memories might live squarely in the past for him.
In short, I think Deacon becoming ok with who he currently is, finding that it’s “easier looking in the mirror”, is part of his growth as a character that the Survivor, as a best friend, helps facilitate. I don’t personally think he’d go back to his original face.
A long while back, @aruza83 and I had a chat about the ways that guilt and forgiveness are addressed in the Outlander series and I’ve had it sitting in my drafts as something to write an analysis about since then. Part of why it’s taken me so long to get around to it is that it’s addressed from so many perspectives and angles, it’s proving a difficult subject to get a coherent handle on. There are the aspects in the books that speak to various religious doctrines and practices; there’s the question of the guilt one feels versus the responsibility one bears; there’s forgiveness of others and how that differs from forgiveness of oneself.
So rather than try to condense this subject down into one massive post, I’ve decided instead to examine some of my favorite scenes in the books (and possibly the show) that address these topics in a series of posts. (And yes, I do still have a few unfinished analysis series in my drafts that I promise I will eventually get back to but also, feel free to send more ideas, questions, etc. to my inbox or send me a message via chat).
To start, I’m going back to the end of the first book.
I think that it’s interesting that in the book, Claire makes her confession to Father Anselm after she ransoms Jamie’s soul while the show chose to place that scene before she gets through to Jamie and pulls him back. As someone who was raised (but has since lapsed) in Catholicism, this placement afterwards feels like a more natural position for this scene and its relationship to everything else in this part of the book. Once Jamie is on the mend, Claire can finally let herself process everything that has happened and begin to really feel the guilt of what she had to do in the process of saving him from Wentworth and the role her actions and her choices made in how events came about. It is a chapter of their lives that Claire is looking to move on from and Confession with the promise of an absolution is one way that she might begin moving forward.