I never have dreams but when I do I analyze every detail to figure out why my subconscious is yelling at me.
There comes a point where you have to simply stop, observe and readjust everything and everyone in your life. (I do this every few months) That moment when you realize you are alone, truly, is when this happens for me. It does not matter if you have found people who belong to your soul family - every single one of us is utterly alone. I’ve heard that repeated over and over and it never hit me until recently.
The moment I realized that I couldn’t hear Louis’ wisdom, thoughts, hear his rants or obnoxious laugh.. a huge part of me left and I will never get it back. I’ve been constantly trying to fill this gigantic void not only in my heart but my mind… and I truly think that is the hardest part of this experience. I’m sure you’ve heard “you can trick your mind,” that is fucking bullshit - you trick your waking thoughts / your conscious… your subconscious is so far beyond anything you could ever imagine.
I’ve started taking steps back from everyone, it doesn’t matter who you are or how much I love you. I need to love myself more than I love others. I need to accomplish my goals, I need to quit bullshitting and I need to go past the standard I hold myself to in general. Loving people is hard, especially when you try to give them your wisdom for their knowledge and they throw their own assumptions in and become bitter over their own ideals wrapped around your pure light you tried to shine on them. Every single day I try to become a better person based off of knowledge of others, experience or literally any single thing that comes into my daily life. Nothing is enough, or so it seems, and at times I get so exhausted and frustrated.. all I want to do is just cry for what seems like forever.
The only advice I could ever give anyone is never… ever, ever, ever take advantage of the time that is available. I never regret anything in my life because there is no room for regret. Every day I regret taking advantage of the time I had with Louis. I know I can’t progress without letting that go.. I’m sure I’ve said these same things before.. I know he’s here… I know every single detail of the life we dreamed up since we were 11 will come true… I just never thought I’d be alone.
Most people sit there and have goals, aspirations and standards for themselves that they believe they accomplish on a daily basis. I guarantee nearly every single one of them does not accomplish nearly half of their beliefs or ideals of themselves on a daily basis. Success comes in various forms because not one single person is the same. Just because you succeed in one area does not make you a successful person. Successful beings grow daily for their own betterment, whatever that may mean to you. Don’t make believe - Do. It’s so easy and nearly half of us refuse, quit being brainwashed.
Less than 330 days until I no longer reside in Texas.
I have 338 days left in Austin, Texas. You could either stand there wasting every moment left or you could actually live and enjoy the time available. I will be in Houston for 153 days until I’m west coast bound but that time will be spent working, saving and slaving for the betterment of my future. No one will be aware of my presence unless you are apart of my soul family.
I’m in love with your knowledge and I’d like to share if you’re willing. Energy is all that last forever - you recognize that, so quit trying to maintain some idealistic thought you have in your head and just be. Just be, regardless if it’s beside me or not. You can’t let what has happened hinder what is happening.
There is no such thing as coincidence and there is certainly a reason as to why you are making an indent into my life. Acknowledge it.
It has officially been a year since I packed up my belongings, sold my shit and ran off to Austin. I love Austin so much and I love Houston a lot less but I still can not get comfortable in Texas.
Don’t be ashamed to hit rock bottom, only the greats can survive a near death fall. Personally, I believe to succeed successfully you have to hit your all time low because most folk are so wrapped up in their own egos to even see what beautiful side of the world there is waiting. We all need a rude awakening, it’s the way society has shaped and brain washed each and every one of us.
I honestly could not have survived without Casey pushing me out of a relationship that was destroying me mentally, physically and emotionally. People - the best thing I’ve ever done was be by myself. Truthfully I haven’t been 100% alone until eight months ago. Everyone gets caught up on individuals but.. “when you’re alone.. that’s when you figure out who you truly are.” Even though I lost respect for the person I quoted I respect those words. Every being I’ve come into contact with this past year I cherish. Every relationship is about learning regardless what type it is or how they end up.
I’ve been growing into an amazing person. I realize my flaws and I accept or change them. (Unlike nearly everyone else) You can’t expect to make anyone else happy until you are 100% happy with yourself-bottom line and there is no exception.
I think I’ve finally accomplished some sort of sixth sense, thanks to my lack of fluoride and being one with this world. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even need drugs anymore-I can see, think and hear things naturally that would scare the rest of you. (this just started this weekend) I’ve finally gotten to the point I’ve been dreaming of for the past three years and now I know it’s possible to hear Louis.
Yesterday I had my monthly freak out: Ranting and being cynical about how I’ll never find anyone who’s on my level ever again. How could I be lucky enough to find two individuals in one life time that make me melt from the inside out? Persistence is how, patience is how, positively growing is how. I get it, no one wants to hear that because all I wanted to do yesterday is cut couples in between their fingers with paper all day. Let your frustration out in a safe way one day a month if you don’t meditate; it’ll help more than you could ever imagine and your sorrow won’t eat you alive.