chipack

a-slytherin-nerd summeringravityfalls
hey, here’s my horrible attempt at something billdip-related, enjoy.

“-And I was like, dude, fortresses don’t talk, we’ve been over this already, but what did he keep doing? He kept talking, but I don’t really mind, it’s mostly Blubbs who gets annoyed by it.”

Dipper snapped out of his daze. “Huh? Oh, sorry, Soos, I wasn’t really listening.”

Soos looked over at the sixteen-year-old, and quickly focused his eyes back on the road. “What’s wrong, dude? You look like Mabel when she’s found a really confusing sweater pattern.”

Dipper could feel his face heating up. “Well, I, uh, it’s kind of, well, I-”

“Come on, dude, it’s just me. Whatever it is, I won’t make fun of you.” He held out his right fist.

Dipper bumped it. “It’s kinda weird. I mean, not the normal Gravity Falls weird, but weirder.”

“Even weirder than your great uncle coming out of that portal-thing? Or McGucket eating his way out of a pterodactyl?”

The teenager sat on his hands and looked at his lap. “I’m kind of dating someone.”

“Dude, that’s not weird. Unless it’s a giant spider woman.”

“Well, it’s kinda weirder than dating a spider woman. I’m, uh, dating Bill Cipher.”

Soos stopped the truck on the side of the road. “Wait, the triangle guy?”

“Yeah, well, I like him, okay? I thought you said you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

Soos held up his hands. “I’m not, dude. I was just surprised. Don’t forget, I dated a video game for like, a week. I’m not judging. How long have you two been dating?”

Dipper was relieved that he wasn’t making as big of a deal as he thought he would out of it. “About a month, maybe two. Not sure. You’re the first person I’ve told about it.”

“Well, you’re going to have to tell your sister about it sooner or later.”

“She’ll freak out.”

Soos brushed his hand through the air. “Nah, Mabel’s pretty cool about this stuff. I think she’ll be glad you’ve got a boyfriend, even if he is a dream demon.”

Dipper looked at him. “So you’re not, like, weirded out about this or anything? You’re cool with it?”

“Yeah, dude, why wouldn’t I be? It’s not my business anyway, so what does it matter?” He fist-bumped Dipper, and they continued the drive back to the Shack.

-

Wendy passed the bag of Chipackers back to Dipper. “What movie’s on next?”

“Uh, I think Nightmare on the One-Laned Street. Where does the GF movie channel even get these movies?”

Wendy pulled out her phone and began texting. “Tambry says that they’re just local movies that these teenagers made a couple decades ago, so they just use them for free instead of actually dealing with copyright shit from big-name companies.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Dipper paused and cleared his throat. “So, let’s just say, theoretically, not like this actually is happening or anything, that would be weird, but someone was dating someone else that their sister and great-uncles hated, how would that person tell their family that they’re dating them?”

Wendy muted the television and looked back at him, cocking an eyebrow. “Who are you dating?”

Dipper’s face got red. “W-what? I didn’t say it was me! Why do you automatically assume it’s me? I could very easily be talking about, uh, Gideon!”

Wendy laughed. “Oh my gosh, dude, please don’t tell me you’re dating Gideon Gleeful, or you’re right, your family will lose their shit.”

“Did I imply that I’m dating Gideon? I am not dating Gideon-”

Wendy fell off the bed guffawing. “Oh man, I can see it now-local teen begins dating total douchebag, more at five.”

“I AM NOT DATING GIDEON, I’M DATING BILL CIPHER!”

He flopped back on the bed and waited for Wendy to process it. “Whoa, dude. Relax. You’re dating a giant floating triangle?”

“Yes, I am dating a giant floating triangle, okay? Can you help me figure out how I’m going to tell Mabel and Ford?”

Wendy reached under her bed and pulled out a bag of Crunch bars. “First, don’t spring it on them. Ease it in gently. And if either of them pull out a crossbow, run.”

Dipper’s expression didn’t change, and she punched his arm. “It’s a joke, dude!”

“M-maybe I’ll just put it off. They don’t have to know, right?”

Wendy looked at him. “Mabel will find out.”

“I can hide it-”

“She. Will. Find. Out.” Wendy sighed. “Okay, dude, tell Stan first, he won’t think it’s that weird. And if Ford starts flipping his shit, remind him about Goldie.”

“Okay.” Dipper looked at her and stole a bar. “You’re cool with this?”

“Yeah, dude! Come on, I dated Robbie. An insane body-possessing dream demon isn’t that different to date.”

She unmuted the tv, and looked at the guide. “Oh, dude, you were so off! It’s Grandpa the Kid.” she said, as if they hadn’t just had a conversation about whether or not it was odd to date a large, demonic triangle.

-

“Hey, Stan? I need to talk to you about something.”

The man turned around from restocking his pantry with meat to face Dipper. “If it’s girl problems, go to your sister. If it’s boy problems, go to your sister.”

Dipper’s face got crimson. “Grunkle Stan! Come on! This is serious.”

Stanley pulled out a chair from the table and sat down. “Okay, kid, lay it on me.”

“Keep in mind that you’re married to a coin machine.”

Stan pointed over his shoulder. “No, it’s Poindexter over there who’s legally married to Goldie. Wait, are you married? What did I miss?”

Dipper sighed in frustration. “No, I’m not married. Nor am I engaged or a widower, thanks for asking.”

“Anytime, kid. It’s got to do with romance, and you’re telling me while you’re sister’s out with her girlfriend, so this must be something pretty weird.”

Dipper squeezed his eyes shut. “What would you say if I dating the guy who made a deal with Gideon and entered your mind in ‘12?”

Stan was looking at him curiously once he opened his eyes. “You’re dating the magic floating triangle to gain his wizard powers. I respect that.”

The sixteen-year-old held his hands out and waved them in a “no” motion. “That’s not why I’m dating him, okay? I’m dating him because I want to! Why isn’t anyone getting that?”

“Kid, he made you literal sock puppet-”

“When I was twelve, okay? He’s changed!”

Grunkle Stan rubbed his temples and sighed. “Dipper, I’m just saying you need to be careful. I know guys like that, and trust me, I’ve dated quite a few in my time.”

Dipper’s eyes got wide. “You have?“

“Never date a inter-dimensional alcoholic.”

“Noted.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Actually, I think Bill counts as one of those.”

“Probably. Man, that guy was an ass.” He stood up, turned around, and began restocking his meat. “Good luck telling Ford, though.”

“I’m not going to tell him for a while, I don’t think.”

Stan grabbed a thicker can of meat from his top shelf and gave it to Dipper. “Give this to Soos next time you see him. And do it quickly, like ripping off a bandaid.”

Dipper took the can and nodded, and headed up the stairs.

-

Mabel heard the digital alert of her phone going off, reminding the twins that it was midnight and they needed to go to bed. She grabbed it and threw it at the wall, and continued to knit her sweater.

“How’s Pacifica?” Dipper asked, knowing that if he leaded with a subject she was comfortable with while she was almost asleep she would take the news better.

She grinned with her newly freed-of-metal teeth. “Great! She’s coming with us on the annual road trip in a couple of weeks, and she’s also going to stay with us in Piedmont for a couple of weeks in the fall!”

“That’s great,” Dipper said. He pulled out his journal and began fidgeting with the pages. “And, I mean, you’d be totally cool with me, like, also dating someone, right?”

He felt a huge flop on his stomach. “OH MY GOSH BROBRO ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE?! I NEED TO KNIT YOU TWO MATCHING SWEATERS AND YOU’LL BE REALLY CUTE AND WHO IS IT IS IT CANDY WHO IS IT?”

Dipper pushed his sister off of him, and took several deep breaths. “I can’t breathe, Mabes! Relax!”

Mabel was jumping up and down on his bed. “When do I get to meet them? Have I already met them? I NEED TO KNOW!”

Dipper diverted his eyes away. “Okay, so he’s kind of, well, don’t freak out, okay?”

“Why would I freak out? My brother’s first boyfriend must be awesome!”

“W-well, I, well, it’s kind of, he’s got one eye-”

“Oh! I don’t know anyone who’s just got one eye except Bill Cipher…” Her voice trailed off and her face got pale. “Oh my gosh, are you dating Bill?”

Dipper buried his face into his pillow. “Yes, I am,” he mumbled.

They were both silent for a few minutes until Mabel spoke up. “How do you knit a sweater to fit a triangular body shape?”

Dipper looked up at her, grinning, and hugged her tighter than her ever had before. “Dipping sauce, you’re gonna choke me! I don’t think Waddles over there would be very happy if I was choked to death by my own brother.”

“So you’re really okay with it?” he asked once he stopped embracing her. “You’re okay with the fact that I’m dating a demon?”

“Of course, bro bro, as long as he never possesses you again or anything.”

“No promises,” he said, laughing, but once he had seen her stone face, said, “Okay, I’ll try to not get him to do anything.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before Mabel launched into a huge ramble about how she would try to get a sweater to fit Bill, and Dipper figured that he was okay.

-

Dipper leaned on the back of a large filing cabinet, trying to finish his summer homework, while his great-uncle was trying to work on his fourth journal-he insisted that he hadn’t gotten a full feel of what was in the town, despite the fact that he was probably the most paranormally-educated person there, and had started writing his fourth journal almost immediately after he came out of the portal.

“Hey, Grunkle Ford?”

The man grunted, and Dipper took that as a sign to go on. “Well, don’t freak out, but,” he braced himself. “I’m dating Bill Cipher.”

Ford dropped his pen, and stared into space for a second, trying to process it. Dipper quickly ran to the elevator and went upstairs until he heard an ear-piercing shriek. He ran into Stan, and he raised his eyebrows.

“You just told Ford?”

Dipper sighed. “Yep.”