Your house was built in 1920. It has been marked historic. It will now stand here untouched until the end of time. The bridge has been marked historic. It was built in 1930. No one is allowed to drive on it. Your neighbor’s fence has been marked historic. He built it three years ago. You go to church. The church falls down. It was built in 2005. No one will clear the rubble to save you. It has been marked historic.
You get in your dinghy. You motor to town. You tie up your dinghy at the docks. You buy your government mandated industrial carton of Old Bay and Old Bay seasoned UTZ chips at the Royal Farms. You can’t remember the taste of water. You don’t remember sunlight. There is only Old Bay.
You are on a mountain. The fog is too thick to see the road in front of you. You wait for it to clear. You drive until you reach a town below sea level. The fog is still here. It has followed you.
Your friend from out of state asks if you want to go swimming in the Bay. You say no. You’ll be too busy contacting their next of kin.
You are driving. The DC NPR station signal is growing weaker. You are not yet in range of the Baltimore NPR station. The signal is growing fainter. Fainter. Fainter. You flip between the static of both stations. Nothing. You are trapped. You pass a road sign that reads: New Market. Your flesh melts from your bones as Rush Limbaugh comes in loud and clear.
You sailed your preposterously large yacht into Ego Alley. All eyes are upon you. You approach the dead end docks. The tourists look on in confusion. The dockside bar patrons begin to take bets. It is time to turn around and motor your way out. There is no space left. You cannot turn. You are stuck. The harbor patrol calls the Tugboat Of Shame. In the end, your body is strung up with the others.
You are in Severna park. A woman approaches you. In one hand she holds a field hockey stick. In her other hand, a lacrosse stick. You must chose. You do not know how to play lacrosse. You do not know how to play field hockey. With a heavy heart, you say, “I don’t play sports.” The woman smiles. She brandishes the lacrosse stick. You close your eyes. You feel your nose break. You see your own blood staining your Sperrys. You do not resist. It is your own fault for entering Severna Park without the proper training.
The stink bugs are here. The stink bugs are here. The stink bugs are here. Ț̠̠̻̤́̍̅͊̑ͧ̊h̍̏͊ͤe̻ͬ͋̽ͤ ͖̦̼̣̰̝͙s̮̬̦̜͌ͭ̍͋͒̔ť̫̲̞͖̈́̅ȉ͉̓͌̈͌n̤̩̭̲ͣ̔ͧ̿k̲̝͓̠͓̥̙ͥͤ ̣̺̤̻ͩ̊̅̍̄ͯb̠̈́́͊̈́͗u̜̭̔͑̚g̘͎̼̪̳͌̍̅ͥ̋ͅsͨ́ ̒͛͌̂ͫ̾ă̬̣̹̲̠̠̘̋̇͊̋r͈͈͓͆͊ͯͧ̎ͯ̈́ě̯̒̓ͩͥ̽ͥ ̠ͭͦ̉h̬̘͓̉͆̋ͤ̚ë̻̟͉̊r̤͙̱̠̝̮͇ͬ́̋̿̄e͕̯̯͔͈.ͫͩ
I flew back to the States on a business trip yesterday and am spending Easter weekend with my parents out in the country. Jetlag woke me up around 5am this morning and I was starving, but didn’t want to wake the rest of the house by going down to the kitchen. So I decided to unpack the snacks I brought back from Japan, which included this bag that was perfect for breakfast… Eggs Benedict Tortilla Chips! Not sure why they’re not labeled as Doritos, but I have to say, these were definitely some of the best tasting chips I’ve ever eaten out of Japan!! The egg, cheese and ham flavors are all quite prominent, and there’s even a hint of lettuce to them, which they even call out on the packaging! I’m truly amazed at how they so perfectly captured the complexity of a dish like eggs benedict in the form of a corn chip!
Thursday night is a very social night in my home, and for the occasion, I made a tray of loaded turkey nachos. Corn tortilla chips, ground turkey seasoned with many amazing spices (cumin, smoked paprika, hot paprika, garlic, onion, cilantro, etc), homemade queso, onions, tomatoes, and fresh pickled jalapeños.
It’s true that BBCAN is better than BBUS right now, but nothing BBCAN has done up until now has measured up to old school BBUS, in my opinion. And if you think BBUS hasn’t had iconic moments like the Ika letter shredding than you’ve never seen Kesha’s Birthday, Evel Dick vs Jameka, the funeral that the Friendship held for Cappie while the other side of the house of the house laughed about it, Janelle vs Beau, or any of the other iconic moments from early BBUS.
I mean, Janelle and Erika in All Stars working against each other for an ENTIRE SEASON, only to find out they were both being played by their showmances at F4 and then working together to blindside Dr. Will before he could make the finale? Legendry.
Two words: Pressure Cooker.
Or there was the time in BB6 where the house was convinced that America hated Janelle, so production had an America’s Vote to see who would get a phone call from the outside world. Not only did Janelle win in a landslide but she used her one phone call to call her showmance from that seasonthat had just been evicted, that she had seen not two weeks ago, just so the Friendship would be heated they couldn’t talk to their family members.
The return, betrayal, and revenge of Kaysar? A wild ride. Giving us such iconic moments as “GIVE ME THAT KEY BITCH, GIVE IT TO ME.”
They literally reunited siblings that didn’t know the other existed. They did THAT.
And yes, the twin twist flopped with Liz and Julia but you would not believe how shook everyone was the first time it happened back in season five.
I mean, fucking hell. BBCAN is doing really well for itself but I’m dying on this hill.