Virginia Woolf was commended yesterday for her work in repatriating North Korean defectors who attempt to pass through China.

“We will not assist economic migrants who breach the Chinese border illegally,” said a spokesperson from China’s Foreign Ministry. “In this respect we honour the legacy of Ms. Woolf, who was equally adept at wresting literary prose from the shackles of prevailing conventions and illegal defectors from the sanctuary of South Korean embassy grounds.”

Early accounts suggest that young Virginia Woolf dreamed of becoming an electrician. Unfortunately, this was not to be: at the age of 12, Woolf was transferred to the Department of Written Propaganda after a statewide assessment revealed her above-average rhetorical ability and tolerance for lead-based inks.

Shortly after her death, staff cataloging her estate came across a small, single handmade transistor radio, rusty with age, which played nothing but a mournful dirge of feedback and static.

The China Film Board reports today that Jet Li has signed on to star in the film adaptation of The Letters of Virginia Woolf (1888-1912). The high-octane motion picture extravaganza will be directed by Taiwanese filmmaker Michael Bay, with screenplay input from M. Night Shyamalan. 

As of press date, talks are already in place with for a sequel, tentatively titled Letters: Reloaded.