children of the doritos

2

your faves as borbs: marvel edition
you’re welcome

bonus:

@mecholah apparently German childrens books summaries tend to be awful, at least. also dorito laundromat say there’s 2 val chapters to every 1 omen chapter so here’s hoping this is just the publisher trying to appeal to 10 yr old boys

A normal convo between dipper and bill
  • dipper: hey
  • bill: heyyy
  • dipper: where are u?
  • bill: at walmart
  • dipper: why?
  • bill: i need to free the children
  • dipper: wait what
  • bill: the children pine tree. i need to free them all
  • dipper: bill i swear to god if u bought all the fuking doritos
  • bill: THE FUCKING CHILDREN PINE TREE!!!!!
  • dipper: and this is why u got arrested last week
2

astheskyrose answered: 

Notnights Nomicon?

I got a little carried away with this one ;^^

unless I’m told otherwise, I have a feeling those two wouldn’t exactly be on the best terms

my favorite tropes in the overwatch fandom:
- team moms pharah and mercy being disappointed in their embarrassing children
- dad 76
- D.va going straight from Korean military warrior to dorito-dust and mountain dew covered gremlin
- hon hon french windowmaker baguette
- edgelord reaper
- why are lucio and mei even on a battlefield they’re literal cinnamon rolls and i love and want to protect them?????
-please add more

Too Late (?)

For part 4: What if it turns out that the reader is dating someone (not a serious relationship) and Reid gets jelly? And Reid gets really protective of their child and they have a fight and it ends in fluff?!

contains; Fluff, handsome new love interest, small tiny sad part sorryyyyy
——
“I think that’s the last of them.” you huffed, setting another box down. Spencer’s apartment could fit three people, but with the boxes of all your belongings around, it seemed very crammed. The only parts of the floor that were bare were little pathways to get in and out of the house and a small area for Walter to play with.

The toddler was currently surrounded by a small army of dinosaurs, mumbling cheers and attack noises, when a small grumble echoed throughout the room. “Mama,’ Walter stood up on his little chubby legs. "I’m hungry.” You picked him up, setting him on your hip.

“Oh yes, it seems like my big man needs to replenish himself after carrying those heavy boxes.” You teased, blowing a raspberry on his cheek and feeling him shake from his giggles. You set him on the counter, starting to make a simple PB&J sandwich.

It was a few weeks after you made the call to Spencer, and after quitting your jobs, packing up your things and saying goodbye to your friends, you were now here. It was so hard to believe. Now it was pack to looking for another job, even though Spencer insisted you didn’t have to.

The worst things about toddlers was that they ask so many questions. So the story you and spencer came up with for the time being, was that Spencer was an old friend you were going to stay with to get a better job. You figured you might as well tell your child that Spencer was his father in a few months on his 5th birthday. You had no idea how that was going to go down, but you decided to put it in the back of your mind until the time came.

“Walter is now enrolled in Mrs.Peabody’s Kindergarten class.” Spencer announced. “He’ll start first thing Monday morning, so that gives us the rest of the weekend to try and get settled down.” the young man ruffled his son’s hair and you looked away, trying to conceal the guilt you felt. It seemed like the three of you, in your own make-shift way were starting to become a family.

-

After sorting out who sleeps where, clearing more than half of the boxes, and taking care of a toddler, you were wiped out. The entire weekend was exhausting, and having to go for a couple interviews sleep-deprived as frick meant that you needed your magical miracle juice, aka COFFEE. Spencer, of course had been helping, but working for the FBI meant the inexcusable call for his assistance when he was either taking care of Walter or helping you unpack.

Life was tiring. As a single mother, all you wished for was a half hour of silence to watch an episode of your favorite show along with a glass of wine. And Doritos. But silence and children don’t mix, ever.

You had just dropped Walter off at school, and while you hoped he would get along with the teacher and the kids, your worry for not being able to get a job to maybe one day actually have Walter and you live alone together was also a main concern.

You were so distracted that when you turned around to exit the coffeehouse, you ran into someone. “Oh my gosh!” You said breathlessly as you saw the man’s usual business button-up shirt get stained an unflattering brown. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t look where I was going, and I mean at least it’s a cold coffee and not a hot one!” Rambling are we? Sounds like a young doctor you know.

“Well yeah, it was your fault, but since you seemed to be a bit dazed and disheveled, I won’t press charges or anything.” You heard a pleasant baritone laugh, and your eyes drifted up from the stain into warm chocolate ones. “In fact, I’ll even buy you another one.” You couldn’t help but blush.

“You really don’t have to do that….”

“Adam.” He filled in for you. You repeated the name 15 million times in your head. The man was certainly attractive, no denying that fact. He had shoulder-length raven locks, which seemed to curl at the end. Freckles were dusted across his pale cheeks, which had some stubble that was also prominent on his chin. He was tallll, standing at 6'3", and you almost swooned.

“What about your shirt?” You asked. “At least let me, pay for dry cleaning or something. It’s the least I could do.” You felt terrible that you had just spilled coffee all over this handsome–Adam’s– shirt. He nodded, his hand coming up to the back of his head and scratching slightly, making his muscles strain, which was defined by the liquid making his shirt stick to his abs. He was too good to be true, and hopefully you weren’t dreaming.

“You’re right, it is the least you could do, but I have a dryer myself. I can accept payment in the form of your name, and number?”  You smiled, feeling embarrassed. “And you would need my number for…?”

“Asking you out of course. If that’s alright with you.” Flirty and polite at the same time? Had you died? “Only if you’re fine with asking out a single mother who has a four year old son.” You told him. Wally was priority #1. If a guy couldn’t accept that, they weren’t going to waste your time.

“Any respectful gentleman, such as I, wouldn’t be bothered by that.” He smiled, giving you a flash of those pearly whites. If you woke up in the next few minutes you were going to scream. “You still haven’t told me your name by the way.”

“Y/n.” You filled him in, blushing in embarrassment. “Lovely.” Adam breathed out, excusing himself for one minute, telling you not to move a muscle. He returned later with two coffees, handing you your cold joe along with a napkin and a pen. you scribbled your number on there, making sure your handwriting was legible.

“Well, it would seem that I have to go change shirts, so I must leave so that I can get to work on time.” Adam chuckled. “I will call you soon Y/n.” He left, waving you goodbye. It only took you four years to get a date, but it seemed like it was welllll worth it.
-
“Spencer, I believe you know all the important numbers, since your mind works in such mysterious ways. ” you ran around awkwardly in your black heels, digging around in some leftover boxes which still contained some of your belongings looking for your pearl earrings. “Don’t forget, his bedtime is in an hour. although, how could you. Huzzah!” You cheered in triumph at the bag of jewelry you found. After placing the buggers in there, you checked the bathroom mirror once more, checking your make-up and smoothing out your black dress.

“Y/n, you never told me what you were getting dressed for.” Spencer reminded you, and you rolled your eyes, grabbing your purse which was flung on the couch. “I have a date Spence. First time in forever, so here’s to hoping I don’t do anything too weird.” You held up your fingers, which were crossed. “Got to go.” you rushed, running back into the bathroom and pressing a kiss to Wally’s wet forehead, who was in the bath.

“Mommy loves you, bye!” And just like that you were gone.
-
“Spwencer.” Walter called that night, right after the aforementioned man had tucked him in and was going to shut off the light. “Can you read me a story?” Spencer pulled up stories he remembered from his childhood, getting ready to ask which one his son wanted, but it seemed the young boy had another thought on his mind. “The one about the prince.”

A prince? there were too many stories to specifically out one. “the one with mommy and me.”

“What do you mean Walter?” And soon Spencer was met with a story you had to tell your child because you were too sad to admit that Spencer had deserted you. Even though he had you and Walter living with him, he was too late now. You were already with someone else, and it was likely that Spencer wouldn’t ever get to make up for his mistake.

——
Sorry this was so short! I was just trying to get it done before midnight! If you can guess who the guy I wrote about is, virtual cupcake for you. ((although it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out))

Yellow Diamond headcanons yo
  • Y.D that type that’s a bad bitch but she still mom af
  • Her gem placement is in her eye 
  • She’s the “I’mma a cut you but I gotta get my kid’s to soccer first” type
  • Scary Suburban mom yellow diamond is my thing okay
  • Her hair is either gonna look like a Johnny Bravo wannabe cut or a classic mom bob haircut
  • “You’re gems look like shit White Diamond. Look at their hair, now look at my gems hair, perfectly triangular”
  • Y.D that mom that gives all her children the same haircut
  • The dorito hairstyle is the equivalence to the bowl cut 
  • Diamondot yo
  • *In public* totally ignores Peridot except for a few glances and maybe an assignment for her *outside of public* “You’re beautiful Peridot, perfectly triangular in every way”
  • Y.D lowkey getting super upset when she gets the call from Peridot on earth then going to earth but can’t show it ‘cause she gotta be a bad bitch and act cold and uncaring in a threatening way as she picks up Peridot
  • Total hardcore queen Y.D now
  • She’s that quiet and cold queen that doesn’t show many emotions
  • You fuck up even once and she destroys you
  • When she upset she doesn’t show it but you can feel it in the air and that’s when you know your gem gonna get crushed
  • Y.D having the ability to read minds or look through your past just by staring at you
  • Using that ability to just fuck you up
  • “Oh Pearl, you really cared about her didn’t you? She picked a human instead of you but I can understand why, you’re just a worthless, weak, defective pearl
  • “Amethyst, oh dear poor Amethyst, it must be so hard being the stranger. Even your team thinks your useless, you see as they’re happy together. without you.”

In 1926, a Chicago pediatrician by the name of Clara Davis undertook one of the most amazing experiments in the annals of nutritional research when she persuaded several teenage mothers and widows to place their infants in her care for six years. Fifteen babies, ranging in age from six to eleven months and who’d never been exposed to ‘the ordinary foods of adult life,’ were put on an experimental diet in which they could eat whatever they wanted so long as whatever they wanted appeared on a list of thirty-four foodstuffs that included water, potatoes, cornmeal, barley, beef, lamb, bone jelly, carrots, turnips, haddock, peaches, apples, fish, orange juice, bananas, brains, milk, and cabbage. The foods were all 'natural food materials.’ There was no sugar, no cream, butter, or cheese, and no potato chips, but there was salt for sprinkling. Each item was presented over the course of a single day.

The experiment measured 'self-selection.’ Children were presented with the food but in no way encouraged to eat this or that. If they wanted to eat with their fingers, no problem. What they ate and how much was up to them. The prevailing scientific view at the time was that children were guilty of the gravest nutritional idiocy. Frantic mothers pleaded with doctors about children who wouldn’t eat their vegetables. The leading doctors of the day advised that these children be starved until they did. So Dr. Davis set out to discover what babies transitioning from breast milk to food would eat if it was all left up to them. The answer: everything. At first, anyway. During the initial two weeks, children sampled a little of all thirty-four foods. (This is exactly what goats would do, according to Fred Provenza.) But over time, they each developed favorites, although these would change suddenly and unpredictably.

There were generalities—the children came to prefer protein from milk, meat, liver, and kidney, for example, over vegetable protein. And some meals were strikingly unconventional. One child had a pint of orange juice and liver for breakfast. Another had eggs, bananas, and milk for dinner. Taken as a whole, however, the children chose remarkably balanced diets. They 'throve,’ as Davis put it. Constipation was 'unknown.’ Colds lasted for only three days. When the children were growing and needed protein, their protein intake shot up. When the growing slowed and activity increased, their energy intake increased. During the one 'epidemic'—an outbreak of 'acute glandular fever of Pfeiffer’ (now called mononucleosis) during which every child 'came down like ninepins'—there was a curious spike in the consumption of raw beef, carrots, and beets as the children convalesced.

Several babies began the study in poor condition. Four were undernourished and three had rickets, a vitamin D deficiency. The very first infant Davis received, in fact, had a severe case of rickets and with each meal was given a small glass of cod liver oil, which contains vitamin D. Children’s hatred of cod liver is legendary, but this child consumed it 'irregularly and in varying amounts’ of his own free will until he was better, then never touched another drop.

These children, Davis found, were master nutritionists. By the end of the study, their overall state of health was so good that another pediatrician, one Dr. Joseph Brennemann, called them 'the finest group of specimens from the physical and behavior standpoint that I have ever seen in children that age.’

—  Mark Schatzker, The Dorito Effect
Enemies
  • Gravity Falls season 1: Gnomes barfing rainbows,an evil triangle demon, a few horror movie like monsters, wax figures, and a kid with a power complex.
  • Gravity Falls season 2: Ooze dripping zombies, disgusting slimy shapshifters, the demon Dorito is back and ripping children from their bodies along with stabbing them with forks, an overly possessive video game program, a society that wipes memories, blood dripping animals, and an extremely scary lumberjack that turns 12 year olds into wood and then tries to burn them down.