childhood feels!!!!!

Maybe

Maybe it’s my past
Maybe
it’s being touched by trespassers of my consent
it’s being eaten alive
by someone’s eyes-
someone 5 times my size.
Maybe
it’s being left behind
in strangers’ houses 
crying my eyes out at night
(while you’re out having a good time)
just being a mere responsibility
thrown around
from hand to hand,
from house to house.
My tears meant nothing
My screams 
were childish
That heaving in my chest
was just me being
dramatic.
Maybe
That’s why I’m so fucked up
Much less than I ought to be
but still enough
to never stop craving attention
to never stop craving affection
no matter how much I already have.
Maybe
that’s why swallow my words
and suck up my tears
because my problems aren’t big enough
because I need to be tough.
I don’t want to be dramatic
because “I’m a big girl”…
I know my past does not define my future,
but maybe
it explains the state I’m in.

-iri.i ©

March 24 2017

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.