child-abuse

You should NEVER be afraid of your parents.
if you are something is wrong.

Coming from someone who needs to hear this a lot, if you are ever frightened of your parents and what reactions they may have there is a problem.

Even if you have done something “wrong”, you should not be scared of unjust repercussions.

Parents are supposed to be there to love and support you, even when you make mistakes and even when it may be difficult. This is their job as parents.

You are not a burden and you will always deserve better than people who force you to stay small and be silent in their presence.

Stay safe and remember that what you are going through is not ok and that you are not overreacting. Being hurt and neglected by those who are supposed to care for you is very painful. Remember that you are loved.

anonymous asked:

i want to have children one day but im also terrified of it because i don't want to end up like my father and be an abusive parent. im so scared of the possibility.

i used to be like this but eventually i realized i don’t want to bring another human being into the world as it is right now, things are really awful? i’m not sure if i’m the right person to answer this question, i will not have any children myself, not because i might be abusive, but because this child would face abuse no matter what, weather it’s inflicted by patriarchy or capitalism or toxic culture and forced roles, i just don’t want another human being to have to deal with that if i can avoid it. you can be the best parent ever and your child might get hurt, raped, killed, enslaved, and you just can’t do anything about it, you can’t prevent it. it’s awful. is it really very important to you to have the experience of parenthood in your life? i don’t think all people should or need to have it in order to have fulfilled lives, but if it really matters i’d recommend adopting, there are already so many wounded and damaged children, taking them under your care and making situation better for them is really beneficial and good no matter how you look at it. 

i also think it helps to diminish the feeling of ownership over the child, this culture is so engulfed into parents having their OWN children, as if that children will somehow belong to them and be a part of them, but that is never the case, it’s another human being, if you can be aware that you don’t have rights over this child, that you’re here to help it grow up safely and cope with the world, that you’re here to ensure the child can stand on their own feet and make a life for themselves without suffering thru abuse, then you’ll be a good parent. 

it’s also very tempting for someone who is abused to think “oh now i’m going to make it all okay for this child and make their life the happiest possible” but that’s not how it works, you can be a good parent, you can provide them with a good parent figure, but you cannot ensure their happiness, you can’t protect them from cruelty that is the world, you can’t protect them from all abusers and all dangers, it can be very self defeating to realize you just can’t make it all good for someone, it’s out of your control. if you have a child, you can’t decide what their life will be like, you can’t prevent it from making mistakes and getting hurt, you can’t even make sure they wont turn narcissistic because of conditions that you can’t control. 

is it so important to be a good parent? what does it actually mean? why is there such a strong focus on being a good parent. are you getting validation out of that? redemption? showing someone how to do it right? to feel proud of yourself and how well you mastered that one thing? that’s not the point. parenthood isn’t for parents to feel good and validated and like they did a great job. it’s for children, for new people, new humans who will grow up and form the future. i think parenting with focus on yourself and how good of a parent you are might end up with parent seeking and demanding that “good feeling” and validation from the child, and with demanding that the child is happy and satisfied and grateful if you’ve provided him with everything you never had - but you can’t have that. they wont be grateful. they wont let you validate you unless you abuse them into giving that to you. they’re not here for that, they’re not here for you. they’re here to have their own lives. 

I feel terrible for saying this. I hate comparing pain. But I just can’t take it sometimes. People say stuff like “Oh, everyone has issues” and “Everyone’s childhood screws them up” and “People hide it just as well as you do”.

Do they really? Does everyone that I know have PTSD? Do they all have panic attacks and daily flashbacks? Do they all dissociate and self-harm? Do they all hate themselves and want to kill themsleves?

Did they all have severely abusive parents? Did they live in fear everyday of their lives?

I don’t think so. It’s so invalidating. I already invalidate and question myself enough. Why do my friends have to do it too? I just wish people would understand how abnormal everything in my life is. How privileged, for lack of a better word, they are. How I would give anything for a second chance. This is not fun. I’m not looking for pity, I just can’t handle anymore invalidation. It’s so painful. I’m just trying to survive. And I wish I had just one person that understood that.

You (step mom) wouldnt exactly abuse us.. But you wouldn’t pay attention to us when dad went to work. Your son slammed my fingers in a door. I fractured two fingers. I have scars. You told me to shut up and grab a bandaid. I’d fall everytime he left and scrape my knees. I was four or five. You would tell me to hush. You slapped me. I was six. You would invite your parents over to babysit. Papa would fall asleep and Nana would scream. When dad was home I’d tell him. He’d get mad and say stop listening to your mother. Mom was always right. You’re a homewrecker. Dad would get drunk to cope. I was seven. He became an alcoholic. I was eight. You would laugh. He left to get better. You hated us. You slapped me. I was nine. I ran. You didn’t care. Dad found me. Yet you’re still here. Years later. I’m sixteen. Dad’s depressed. You’re still here.

anonymous asked:

my father is verging on being emotionally abusive (if he isn't already), and I don't know how to confront him on the subject. it's hurting me, but I'm fairly sure he's going to deny it. what would you suggest? what exactly defines emotional/psychological(?) abuse, and how should I analyze and handle the situation?

There are a few posts that may be useful; defining abuse (link) and forms of abuse (link). There may be other relevant links on the resources page (link).

Generally speaking, confronting an abuser isn’t recommended as they can become angry or deny their abuse in such a way that the victim begins to doubt whether they’re abusive at all. Having said that, if you feel safe to discuss it with him, that’s definitely something you can do. Whether or not he’s abusive, he’s obviously behaving in a way that’s hurtful and that’s a real problem. 

I’d suggest avoiding terms like abuse and focus on specific behaviours, and approach those behaviours in a way that focuses on how they make you feel rather than whether they’re good or bad. For example, “you always criticize me” is often seen as an attack whereas “I feel criticized when we’re talking about my grades and you say I need to do better when I’m already doing my best”. 

One of the benefits of bringing up the issue directly is that their response can help you get a better sense of what’s going on. Most people, when they find out that their actions are hurting other people, will be genuinely apologetic and will do everything they can to make amends and change their behaviour. Abusers on the other hand will rarely accept responsibility - though they may claim to be sorry for a brief period - and their behaviour tends to either remain the same or get worse. 

Regardless of whether you decide to talk to him about it, getting support for yourself is really important if at all possible. Friends, other family members, a counselor if you have one, can all be really helpful as sources of support. Talking to someone outside of the situation can provide a valuable perspective; even if we know all about abuse and manipulation, it’s very difficult to see the whole picture when you’re in the situation. Also, if you have support, it’ll be more difficult for him to convince you that he’s right.

One thing that really gets me about today’s society is how emotional/psychological child abuse is normalized and even celebrated.

I’ve noticed a phenomenon of parents getting together and talking about how they’re such a Mean Mom or Mean Dad and how they’re raising their children to be respectful. They talk about destroying their children’s possessions, isolating them, humiliating them, and/or publicly shaming them.

And when these people hear about, say, a parent smashing a kid’s phone for not cleaning their room or burning their possessions or filming a punishment or embarrassing moment and putting it up on social media, they commend the parents for “teaching the kids a lesson”.

Why the fuck do we, as a society, think this is okay?

It doesn’t teach kids valuable life lessons, it teaches them to be scared of repercussions. It’s bullying and child abuse and for some reason, people think that’s commendable.

Whenever I hear people saying “haha I bet that 14 year old learned a lesson”, it instantly makes me suspicious of them. I will instantly think of you as either a potential child abuser or a child abuse enabler.

As a survivor of psychological abuse, people dismissing this behavior as “harmless life lessons” makes me wonder if it really was abuse. If I deserved it. If I really deserved to have my pet’s life threatened because I was a liar.

It’s not cute. It’s not “good parenting”. It’s intimidating, shaming, and traumatizing your child into compliance.

trauma processing information ahead: you doubt your feelings relating to a certain event because when it happened you don’t remember as if it hurt you, you remember it as it maybe it wasn’t that traumatic, maybe it didn’t affect you so much, you feel like you handled it just fine and you weren’t so scared or pained by it back then and you don’t feel you can call that traumatic but then in present you suddenly get overwhelmed with pain and fear and grief and even anger and you try to stuff it down because NO IT WASN’T THAT BAD and you keep convincing yourself you’re overreacting because you can remember that it was not that bad and you keep thinking it didn’t even matter

So now try to remember when it first happened, it could be that you were still really small, or you were directly faced with the abuser/danger, or you were in unsafe environment where you couldn’t freely express, but the thing is, it didn’t hurt so bad the first time because you were unable to both survive and feel that amount of pain. Children’s bodies are not capable of withstanding traumatic amount of pain and survive, that pain is repressed and dissociated for later when bodies are big and strong and able to survive it. You cannot allow yourself to experience pain and fear that would make you extremely vulnerable and thus less likely to survive in traumatic situation so in that case too, your body represses the emotions and settles on dissociation until you’re safe enough and strong enough for these to be properly processed. 

Only reason it “didn’t feel so bad” back then is because your body repressed the pain and fear to save you. But the amount of pain and terror and anger you’re feeling now is exactly how bad it was. You’re only now experiencing on your own skin how actually bad it was! That’s how badly you were hurt. You’re not overreacting or making a big deal out of it now, you were unable to feel how bad it was before. Your feelings are always there for a reason, they’re generated inside you by harm that was done to you and you can trust them. Your reactions are not wrong, your feelings are not wrong, it was exactly that bad.

I know this is going to be unpalatable to parents, but “abusive parents” aren’t scary anomalies that exist only on the news, broadcast solely to make you feel better about your own faults. There are abusive parents in your neighborhood. There are probably abusive parents in your workplace, friend circle, and even among your family. If you want to be a good parent, then it’s your duty to learn what behaviors are abusive, learn the warning signs of abuse, and do the work to help when you learn that a child in your social sphere is being abused.

If you have a complicated relationship with your mother because of abuse or neglect, you don’t have to feel guilty regardless of how much or how little you choose to interact with her.

I know there’s a lot of pressure to acknowledge her even if she’s hurt you badly. If you choose to (or wish you could) keep your distance or even end your relationship with her, you’re not a bad child or ungrateful or mean.

If for any reason you do something nice for her, that doesn’t mean you give up your right to be angry or hurt by what she did before that. It doesn’t mean you give up your right to keep your distance or even end your relationship with her later on.

You don’t owe her. But it’s complicated sometimes, I understand. Just do your best to be gentle with yourself, and try to remember that you didn’t deserve what happened. You have always deserved care and respect.

2

Police posted shocking photos of two adults — who police believe had overdosed on heroin — passed out in a car with a 4-year-old boy in the backseat, according to WJW. The city of East Liverpool, Ohio shared the photos on their Facebook page on Thursday after responding to a call of an incapacitated driver. Police said they hope the photos send a message to drug users to think twice before abusing drugs. The child is in the custody of Columbiana County Children’s Services. (Source)

It’s fun having to walk on eggshells at home

It’s fun staying in one room all the time.

It’s fun not being able to do what you want at home.

It’s fun always looking over your shoulder.

It’s fun being hyper-aware of where your parent is at all times.

It’s fun getting yelled at over anything and everything.

It’s fun having no energy to do basic cleaning.

It’s fun getting yelled at for not doing said cleaning.

It’s fun having to spend all your energy just to minimally function and deal with all the yelling.

It’s fun always weighing whether doing something (or not doing something) is better or worse than getting yelled at.

It’s fun always wondering if you forgot something and if you’ll get in trouble for it.

It’s fun always holding your breath when you’re in the same room or area as your parent.

It’s fun not being able to say you have a mental illness.

It’s fun knowing either they suspect or just don’t care and continue to yell at you for things you can’t do.

It’s fun never feeling truly safe or truly at home.

It’s fun having nowhere else to go.

It’s fun not being able to get any help.

It’s fun being isolated and alone.

Barring a small handful of common-sense exceptions, kids should be allowed to hang out in their room with the door shut, and as they get older, locked. People need to be alone sometimes. That’s just sort of a common experience. This may come as a surprise to some folks, but children & teenagers are people. Sometimes they’ll get sad and they’ll want to be alone. Sometimes they’ll get anxious and they’ll want to be alone. Sometimes they’ll want to be alone and not really have a reason for it; that’s okay, too.

‘Epitome of evil stepmother’ in Queens gets 15 years in prison for beating, starving 12-year-old

Via the Daily News

A Queens woman who beat and starved her 12-year-old stepdaughter until she weighed just 58 pounds will spend 15 years in prison, officials said Friday.

Sheetal Ranot, 35, of Ozone Park, was sentenced to the long prison term for abusing the child over a horrifying two-year period starting in 2012.

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I’m telling you

to not hit your kids

to not spank or slap or punch or lash them

because it fucking traumatizes them

if you can’t handle irritation

if you can’t handle hyperactivity and loudness and wildness of a new human in development who is figuring out how their body works and what they can do and what they want to do

then what the fuck did you expect a child is

did you have kids with expectations of “oh i’ll have a small human i’ll be able to control completely”

“oh i’ll be able to shape this small creature into whatever I want it to be”

“oh I’ll have someone to support me and to work for me and pay for itself”

“oh I’ll have someone to comfort me and to love me despite my manipulative and cruel nature because they depend on me”

“oh I’ll be able to live the life I couldn’t through this new human that I made for myself who should listen to me always”

then fucking change all of these expectations to “I have chosen to help a new human to grow into whatever they’re supposed to be and I WILL NOT MESS WITH THEIR DEVELOPMENT TO SATISFY MY PERSONAL NEEDS”

If you can’t just fucking cherish that you have someone’s complete trust and affection and that you can watch them grow and figure everything, that you can follow through their phases and support them and be damn proud of them when they become what they want to be

then you’re not a parent material

stop fucking up your kids lives to make yourself feel better

asshole.

ya’ll are like “child sexual abuse survivors can’t remember their abusers names, eye color, height, weight, and social security number? they must obviously be lying” meanwhile you can’t remember what you had for lunch last tuesday so go fuck yourselves