child-abuse

The moment you realize that if Minomi hadn’t died that brutal way, impacting Saeki’s psyche in all the wrong ways, he probably fully intended on marrying her and their relationship wouldn’t have had to become a source of trauma but could’ve easily given way to a healthy bond because them both just wanted to make the other one happy.

This is not to condone any of Torso’s actions but damn, Ishida is at it again with the gray morality. I did think that Saeki’s backstory was going to be a rough one, considering that men aren’t born monsters but they become them, but at the same time I never expected this reveal to be quite so… unsettling. 

This wasn’t the usual narrative. Despite the tragedy surrounding them, this time hope was right there, everything could’ve gotten better. I think that Torso is such a great villain because he’s the kind of character that could’ve easily taken the role of the protagonist, but instead a single detail went wrong and turned things upside down. Imagine where Kaneki would be if something like that had happened to him. I think that their narratives have a few common starting points, but they led them to opposing ends of the checkerboard:  

  • Saeki’s dad abused him, but didn’t care about him one bit. He lived his parenthood like a duty. 
  • Kaneki’s mom abused him, but loved him at the same time (and that made the substantial difference). She lived her relationship with her blood relatives as a duty. 
  • Saeki’s dad was often away for long periods of time, during which he didn’t give a shit about what his child was doing. He told him that going to town would’ve endangered his own life, so Saeki didn’t have to go there.

  • Kaneki’s mom was always busy with work, she often neglected him for long periods of time too, to the point that Kaneki was desperate for her attention. She told him that his own needs weren’t important as she hit him (to the point he swore he didn’t need anything anymore, if that way she would stop hitting him); this ended up instilling in him his martyr complex and his toxic life philosophy. 

Then, the real difference: 

  • Kaneki’s mom’s death affected him deeply because he had loved her and she had returned his affections; the death of Saeki’s dad, on the other hand, was not only by Torso’s own hands, but left him feeling empty, as though he was no longer himself, as though he was already as cold as the dead bodies of women his dad brought him as a meal. It was the begin of his descent into villain territory. 

I’m not really going anywhere with this, and I still don’t like Torso as a person even though I can sympathize with him as a character. But I do believe that from a phychological point of view, the ‘Torso’ persona shows a really well-thought narrative, because Saeki wasn’t an inherently evil character, nor was he shaped into one by the cruelty of what happened to him. It was just bad luck mixed with bad timing. If Torso’s dad had returned home just a day later, Minomi could’ve been elsewhere and could’ve survived. If Torso hadn’t woken up to see the horror of her body being cut that way, he could have never even channeled his distorted perception of reality into such an abusive mindset. 

It was chance. It was something ordinary that made him a Villain. It was something that could’ve happened to anyone, even to Kaneki. That’s why he’s such a good one. Because what makes him that is just perspective. He could’ve easily been his own protagonist, because from his point of view the Villain was his father. He did have an happy ending waiting for him with Minomi. It just never happened by chance, not choices.

Damn it, I love Ishida’s narratives

archiveofourown.org
I Know Who You Should Be - Damalia (Achrya) - Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan [Archive of Our Own]
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Armin Smith is the son of one of the most decorated and loyal members of the Order. He may dream of a life that isn’t his own, of love and friendship and yellow fire, but he knows just who he is and what he is meant to achieve: greatness. If only he could get rid of a certain volatile force user.

Or: Armin is a general, Eren is a Knight of Titan, and they’re both kind of evil. 

Ermin Week Day 6: Disney (it counts!)

Keep reading

Narcissists want to receive good things, but are “burdened” or annoyed about giving them.

Narcissists are often happy to dish out negative treatment of all kinds, but tend to melt down when even a hint of negativity blows in their direction, regardless of the reason for it.

So they like to GET good stuff, but don’t like to give it.

They like to GIVE negative stuff, but don’t like to get it.

—  Taking the good to leave you an empty space to fill up with their negatives.
Effects of child abuse and neglect

Child Abuse Hotlines:

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

  • Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care.

    Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

  • Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality.

    Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.]

  • Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.

If you have a complicated relationship with your mother because of abuse or neglect, you don’t have to feel guilty regardless of how much or how little you choose to interact with her.

I know there’s a lot of pressure to acknowledge her even if she’s hurt you badly. If you choose to (or wish you could) keep your distance or even end your relationship with her, you’re not a bad child or ungrateful or mean.

If for any reason you do something nice for her, that doesn’t mean you give up your right to be angry or hurt by what she did before that. It doesn’t mean you give up your right to keep your distance or even end your relationship with her later on.

You don’t owe her. But it’s complicated sometimes, I understand. Just do your best to be gentle with yourself, and try to remember that you didn’t deserve what happened. You have always deserved care and respect.

trauma processing information ahead: you doubt your feelings relating to a certain event because when it happened you don’t remember as if it hurt you, you remember it as it maybe it wasn’t that traumatic, maybe it didn’t affect you so much, you feel like you handled it just fine and you weren’t so scared or pained by it back then and you don’t feel you can call that traumatic but then in present you suddenly get overwhelmed with pain and fear and grief and even anger and you try to stuff it down because NO IT WASN’T THAT BAD and you keep convincing yourself you’re overreacting because you can remember that it was not that bad and you keep thinking it didn’t even matter

So now try to remember when it first happened, it could be that you were still really small, or you were directly faced with the abuser/danger, or you were in unsafe environment where you couldn’t freely express, but the thing is, it didn’t hurt so bad the first time because you were unable to both survive and feel that amount of pain. Children’s bodies are not capable of withstanding traumatic amount of pain and survive, that pain is repressed and dissociated for later when bodies are big and strong and able to survive it. You cannot allow yourself to experience pain and fear that would make you extremely vulnerable and thus less likely to survive in traumatic situation so in that case too, your body represses the emotions and settles on dissociation until you’re safe enough and strong enough for these to be properly processed. 

Only reason it “didn’t feel so bad” back then is because your body repressed the pain and fear to save you. But the amount of pain and terror and anger you’re feeling now is exactly how bad it was. You’re only now experiencing on your own skin how actually bad it was! That’s how badly you were hurt. You’re not overreacting or making a big deal out of it now, you were unable to feel how bad it was before. Your feelings are always there for a reason, they’re generated inside you by harm that was done to you and you can trust them. Your reactions are not wrong, your feelings are not wrong, it was exactly that bad.

“ABA is not ok” is not just a catchy rhyming statement. It is 100% the truth. Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) is literal child abuse and not justifiable under any means.

ABA forces children to give up stimming and natural self regulation just to look “normal.” The process of consists of 100% compliance to a therapist which right there is already abuse. Having 100% to anyone is abusive and not safe under any means. The ABA therapist forces a child to stop hand flapping, to stop chewing on things, and to sit completely still through rewards and punishments. They also force the child to make eye contact even though that is against majority of autistic people’s nature.

The rewards and punishments consist of various things including putting hot sauce in a child’s mouth, taking away special interests, not giving breaks, not giving the child food or water, pushing down the child hands to make them stop flapping, threatening to take away television, threatening to take away toys, telling the child they are being bad, disrespectful and rude just to make the child stop doing natural behaviors that autistic people need to self regulate. These actions not only harm the child in the moment but leave physical, emotional, and psychological scars.

The reward and punishment process leaves the child fearful of partaking in natural stimming and behaviors which are essential for self regulation and overall comfort of the child. An autistic child not being allowed to self regulate leaves the child more likely to meltdown and “act out” though the child is fearful to meltdown because of the punishments inflicted upon them through aba.

ABA leaves children with PTSD and any therapy or method leaving childrenwith post traumatic stress is completely unethical. Any therapy that harms the child, is forced upon a child, and is 100% in the hands of a therapist is abusive. 

100% compliance especially for an autistic kid leads the child to believe whatever the therapist says. It leads the child to believe that they can’t say no, that they have to listen to everyone else, and that they have something wrong with them which is the completely untrue.

ABA is child abuse and takes away natural behaviors for the benefit of parents of autistic children. ABA is not ever ok.

More info on ABA.

I’m telling you

to not hit your kids

to not spank or slap or punch or leash them

because it fucking traumatizes them

if you can’t handle irritation

if you can’t handle hyperactivity and loudness and wildness of a new human in development who is figuring out how their body works and what they can do and what they want to do

then what the fuck did you expect a child is

did you have kids with expectations of “oh i’ll have a small human i’ll be able to control completely”

“oh i’ll be able to shape this small creature into whatever I want it to be”

“oh I’ll have someone to support me and to work for me and pay for itself”

“oh I’ll have someone to comfort me and to love me despite my manipulative and cruel nature because they depend on me”

“oh I’ll be able to live the life I couldn’t through this new human that I made for myself who should listen to me always”

then fucking change all of these expectations to “I have chosen to help a new human to grow into whatever they’re supposed to be and I WILL NOT MESS WITH THEIR DEVELOPMENT TO SATISFY MY PERSONAL NEEDS”

If you can’t just fucking cherish that you have someone’s complete trust and affection and that you can watch them grow and figure everything, that you can follow through their phases and support them and be damn proud of them when they become what they want to be

then you’re not a parent material

stop fucking up your kids lives to make yourself feel better

asshole.

4

Child services and police had at least 12 opportunities to save the life of 8-year-old, Victoria Climbié. Instead, she died of 128 seperate injuries, leaving the world to question: How could a child in Britain die like this? Her life was short and tragic; her brutal murder went on to prompt the largest review of child protection in the UK and ultimately produced major change in child protection policies. Born in Abbo, Côte d’Ivoire on 2 November 1991, Victoria left the country with her great-aunt, Marie-Thérèse Kouao, a French citizen who had told the Climbié family that she wanted to foster a child and give them a proper education. Victoria was more than pleased to accompany her back to France for a life she assumed would be filled with opportunities; sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. Kouao, an unemployed mother of three, appeared to reap the child benefits she received from having an extra child and this was the sole purpose of bringing Victoria back to France. When they arrived in France, Kouao enrolled Victoria in school but as early as the following month, the teachers had began to notice that Victoria was absent an awful lot, was falling asleep in class, and on the last day she was seen at school, she appeared to have a shaven head and was wearing a wig. Kouao was eventually kicked out of her home due to not paying rent.

On 24 April, 1999, they left France and travelled to the United Kingdom where they settled in Ealing, London and the abuse got progressively worse. Over the course of the following year, Kouao and her new boyfriend, Carl Manning, subjected Victoria to unthinkable torture and abuse. She was burnt with cigarettes, tied up for periods longer than 24 hours, beaten with bike chains, hammers, and wires. On one occasion, Victoria was taken to hospital where her left eyelid was practically hanging off and she had a number of burns on her face - Kouao and Manning claimed these injuries were self-inflicted and were sent on their way. She visited the hospital a second time with severe scalding to her head. The doctor and social services both noted that she was being abused, but again, she was discharged and sent back home to endure more suffering. 

Victoria had been in contact with the police, social services, the NHS, the NSPCC, and even local churches, who were all fully aware of her abuse due to the clear signs of abuse on her appearance, yet nothing was done. One social worker even claimed she was just suffering from scabies while a priest claimed she had been possessed by the devil. The suffering finally came to an abrupt halt on 25 February, 2000, when Victoria Climbié passed away, alone. She suffered from hypothermia, multiple organ failure, and malnutrition, as well as the numerous burns and injuries on her body. An autopsy uncovered 128 separate injuries on the little girls body and described it as the worst case of child abuse he had ever witnessed. Both Manning and Kouano were found guilty of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment. 

Resources and references

Child Abuse Hotlines:

Help for child sexual abuse:

Warning signs of child abuse

Recognizing Child Abuse: What Parents Should Know (PDF) – Lists signs and symptoms of child abuse in children and in their parents. Covering physical abuse, emotional maltreatment, neglect, and sexual abuse, this outline is useful for teachers, family friends, and relatives. (Prevent Child Abuse America)

Physical child abuse

Physical Child Abuse – Reviews the definition of physical abuse and signs of abuse, including shaken baby syndrome (Child Welfare Information Gateway)

Shaken Baby Syndrome – Clear, comprehensive description of what SBS is, how it causes brain damage and death, its signs and symptoms, and strategies for soothing a baby before the caregiver’s frustration mounts. (KidsHealth)

Sexual child abuse

Prevent Child Sexual Abuse: Facts About Those Who Might Commit It (PDF) – Offers warning signs of sexual abuse in children and in their adult abusers, along with tips on how to prevent and stop it. (Stop It Now!)

Understanding Child Sexual Abuse – A clear, objective explanation of the effects of child sexual abuse, the chances of recovery, and strategies for prevention. (American Psychological Association)

Emotional child abuse

Emotional abuse – See the “Answers to common questions” on this British site for good advice about recognizing and responding to emotional child abuse. (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children)

Fact Sheet: Emotional child abuse (Prevent Child Abuse America)

Child neglect

Child Neglect: Definition and Scope of Neglect – Article on what constitutes child neglect, how it affects children, what causes it, and how the community can intervene. (Child Welfare Information Gateway)

Neglect – Succinct lists of physical and behavioral indicators suggesting that a child is being neglected. (Coalition for Children)

Reporting and stopping child abuse

Toll-Free Crisis Hotline Numbers – (Child Welfare Information Gateway)

Talking about abuse – Discusses what to do if either a child or a caregiver approaches you about abuse. (NSPCC)

Reporting Child Abuse – Guidance on how to find out what your responsibilities are and where to get more information. (Darkness to Light)

Child Helpline International – A global portal for children with a list of crisis lines and web resources around the world. (ChiWorld.org)

How the Child Welfare System Works – Information on the services available in the U.S. to protect the well-being of children. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Preventing child abuse

Talking to a child about abuse – Helps parents teach children how to protect themselves against abuse, including learning about touch, and that they should never keep secrets. (Childhelp)

Talking to kids about child sexual abuse – Discusses concrete tips on how to protect children against abuse, including talking to family members and avoiding tricks. (Stop it Now)

Children Deserve Respect

Children are not pets or objects adults can use for their own purposes. Kids are not problems to be resolved.

Unfortunately, many parents treat their kids as if they’re enemies, constantly battling to get their child/ren to do what they want. Parents like this rarely think about their child/ren’s wants and needs; they just assume that they are right and their children are wrong. This attitude teaches kids that they’re not really people, that love from other people is contingent on their behaviour, and that they don’t have rights. They see any kind of defiance or even disagreement as disrespectful, and railroad their kids with brute force or fear. 

Sometimes, kids behave in unacceptable ways, and handling this is challenging for parents. Plus, sometimes parents have to make kids do things they don’t want to do; we all ave to brush our teeth, for example. Dealing with situations like this is difficult, but it’s part of being a parent and we have a responsibility to respect our kids and make sure we’re meeting their physical and emotional needs. Saying ‘it had to be done’ is not an excuse to mistreat or abuse anyone, including children and young people. 

I recently had a frankly horrifying conversation where a group of parents flippantly discussed physically restraining their kids during medical and dental procedures. When I pointed out that this should be an absolute last resort, several parents reacted with ridicule, as if trying to explain to their kids that this had to be done and trying to address their fears was ridiculous. 

A story I hope you’ll find relevant: when I was a toddler (about 3 or 4 years old), I fell through a glass door and got glass stuck in my forehead and scalp. The daycare centre called my mother, and my mother rushed me to the ER. I had to have multiple pieces of glass pulled out of my skin, and many stitches. My mother held me down and I wriggled and screamed and cried, and she realized what was going on - she stopped holding me down, and I relaxed. The Dr and nurses were able to pull the glass out and stitch me up without issue. 

Parents often try to overpower kids with force, instead of thinking ‘what’s the actual problem here, and how can we resolve it? If it can’t be resolved, how can I help and support my child while they deal with it? Is there a way to work around it?’ Going back to our tooth-brushing example, a lot of people have sensory issues that make tooth-brushing difficult, even painful. Obviously we all need to clean our teeth, but that doesn’t mean that restraining a child and forcibly cleaning their teeth is an acceptable solution! Sometimes a different toothbrush works (especially one with softer bristles), sometimes the problem is actually the toothpaste, sometimes a washcloth can be used instead of a brush, or another implement can be substituted - but without talking to our kids and asking them what’s going on, we’ll never know. Kids in these situations are subjected to something that they often experience as torture because their parents have decided to use force and power over kids instead of approaching them as human beings with valid feelings who are deserving of respect.

Parenting is extremely difficult, one of the most difficult things a person can do, but that doesn’t excuse mistreatment, abuse, and violence. Children are human beings with a full range of emotions, and they have rights. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our kids needs are met and that requires treating them like people, not problems.

And sometimes it hits you when you when you’re walking down the street,

Fathers smiling with their kids, playing with them, hugging them, protecting them.

You watch as you lay our eyes on that child and you sense that they feel safe, that nobody could hurt them.

You sense their innocence, their parent loves and cares for them above all else.

It hits you when you see Mothers holding their babies, rocking them, kissing them on the forehead

Or teenagers linking arms with their mothers, smiling and laughing together

It hits you as you’re walking alone, having that relationship, or lack of, shoved in your face and it still rips you apart

You feel everything all at once, carrying it around everywhere you go.

You wish that you were the little girl with pigtails, looking up at their father with love and trust in their eyes,

Their eyes wide and their smile big and you find yourself imagining what that is like.
 
And then you get the agonising snap back to reality when you look away and realise you didn’t have that, and you never will.
—  A.J

I don’t think abusers deserve comfort.

I don’t think they deserve respect, care, boundaries, choices.

I don’t think they deserve a new car and a luxury living space.

I don’t think they deserve a job.

I don’t think they deserve anything they’ve taken away from victims.

I don’t think they should be living anything but a hell life they’ve afforded to those they abused.