child-abuse

Have you noticed how parents judge other parents based on how well can they control the child?? Like you’re considered a good parent if the child is obediently spending all day working and never makes unwelcome noises or anything that would annoy the adults? If you can train your child into an obedient robot-slave-profit-machine then congrats you win the good parent medal everyone should look up to you be proud of making your child super convenient to your life? If the child has feelings or wants and needs and asks questions or shows any kind of behavior that adults consider socially unacceptable then parents are to force it back under control, shut them down and remind them to be as convenient as possible unless they want to be a burden to the family and punished for it. And parents fucking fall for this shit, they will abuse their child into obedience literally just to uphold their social status and to be able to brag to others just how well they’ve trained the child, hell, they will even order their child around in front of others, only to show off at how well they’re able to control and humiliate them, and this kind of sick sadistic slave-fantasy will generally be approved upon! The image of obedient child equals a good child is like a disease that adults spread and uphold and force onto children.

No human being is born to listen to orders of another! No not even if you gave them birth and kept them from dying, and now expect they’re required to do whatever you want in return, they don’t owe you obedience! They don’t owe you their lives put under your control! Their lives belong to them! Honestly if you bring the child into the world that requires them to tear themselves apart for the comfort and satisfaction of others, that’s not child’s fault, it’s your fucking fault, you had the control over having the baby, the child did not. Fucking protect your children from those who would subject them to a life of being controlled and forced into obedience, rather than becoming the perpetrators of this abuse because it’s fucking convenient and it would take you 2 minutes of thinking about what would be a better thing to do.

terrifying your own child into submission makes you an abuser.

watching your child cry and screaming at them to stop and invalidating their pain and reasons for crying makes you an abuser.

staring at your child in disgust and contempt after they displease you makes you an abuser.

threatening to your child to take away their basic resources if they don’t give you exactly what you want makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to feel ashamed for not living up to your ideals makes you an abuser.

using slurs, hateful names and insults on your own child without any regard to what it does to their mental health makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to chase impossible expectations and making them feel like they’re worthless for not achieving them makes you an abuser.

acting like your child is a burden and a waste of space and blaming their illness/disability/depression on it makes you an abuser.

behaving like your child will never amount to anything and isn’t worth any resources and nurturing makes you an abuser.

making your child feel like they’re never good enough makes you an abuser.

if your child’s heart is hurting because they know no matter what they do and how hard they try they will always be a failure in your eyes, you are an abuser.

if your child can’t look at themselves without self hatred because they had to look at themselves from your perspective and all they saw is disgust and hatred, you’re an abuser.

If your child is struggling to believe they have the right to live and to be cared and loved, if they can’t stop hearing your hateful voice putting them down and using their every action to prove they’re worthless, you’re an abuser.

If you watched your child in pain and assured them they deserved it, you’re an abuser.

If your child can’t love themselves from how badly you hated them, you’re an abuser.

One thing that really gets me about today’s society is how emotional/psychological child abuse is normalized and even celebrated.

I’ve noticed a phenomenon of parents getting together and talking about how they’re such a Mean Mom or Mean Dad and how they’re raising their children to be respectful. They talk about destroying their children’s possessions, isolating them, humiliating them, and/or publicly shaming them.

And when these people hear about, say, a parent smashing a kid’s phone for not cleaning their room or burning their possessions or filming a punishment or embarrassing moment and putting it up on social media, they commend the parents for “teaching the kids a lesson”.

Why the fuck do we, as a society, think this is okay?

It doesn’t teach kids valuable life lessons, it teaches them to be scared of repercussions. It’s bullying and child abuse and for some reason, people think that’s commendable.

Whenever I hear people saying “haha I bet that 14 year old learned a lesson”, it instantly makes me suspicious of them. I will instantly think of you as either a potential child abuser or a child abuse enabler.

As a survivor of psychological abuse, people dismissing this behavior as “harmless life lessons” makes me wonder if it really was abuse. If I deserved it. If I really deserved to have my pet’s life threatened because I was a liar.

It’s not cute. It’s not “good parenting”. It’s intimidating, shaming, and traumatizing your child into compliance.

Listen.

It’s not okay to have your child be scared of you. That isn’t respect. That’s control. 

It’s not okay to have your child obey you at all times in order for you to love them. That isn’t high standards. That’s manipulation.

It’s not okay to force your child become what you wanted to become. That isn’t wanting the best for them. That’s living vicariously through them.

It’s not okay to take away your child’s basic needs as a punishment. That isn’t teaching them. That’s hindering them. 

It’s not okay to dictate your child’s sexuality or gender. That isn’t normalizing them. That’s repressing them.

It’s not okay to berate your child’s appearance or intelligence for being what you think is sub-par. That isn’t toughening them. That’s bullying them.

It’s not okay to take out your stress on your child. That isn’t parenting. That is abusing.

It’s completely okay to distance yourself from your parents. That’s not unloving. That, sometimes, is self care.

Even if they say “they didn’t mean it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “they don’t remember it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “you’re delusional, I would never do that, you made it up”, they’re still responsible for what they did, and for trying to gaslight and invalidate your memories.

Even if they say “I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I would be right to do it”, they’re still guilty for what they did.

Even if they have excuses, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they act like it would have been crazy to expect from them to act any different way, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they come at you with an entire agenda of how you should perceive what they did so it actually “benefits you”, even if they insist they did it for your own good, they’re still responsible for what they did to you, and for lying about it.

Even if they cry about how much it pains them to be accused of hurting you, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they cry about how much they love you and how they did it all out of love and never meant to hurt you, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they act like what they did shouldn’t have hurt you and you’re the one responsible for taking damage, for being sensitive to being abused, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they blame you for what they did to you, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they insist someone else did it to them too, even if they insist they had it worse than you, even if they say it’s a cultural thing, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if it was long ago, and they act like you’re wrong for remembering such old wrong doing, it’s still something they did, and they’re still responsible for doing it.

They can lie and deny and accuse and blame and invalidate and gaslight. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It doesn’t absolve them from guilt.

Nothing can absolve abusers from responsibility for their own actions. Nothing.

"This Generation is too Sensitive"

Things baby-boomers find and/or found offensive.

1) Someone sitting down during a song

2) Interracial couples

3) People asking police not to execute innocent unarmed people

4) Same-sex couples

5) A black president

6) Black people sitting at the front of the bus

7) People saying “Hey if you could say ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ that’d be super"

8) Black people sitting in the same diner as them

9) People not speaking the same language as them at all times

10) Women’s breasts

11) People having a different religion than them

12) Women working

13) People saying “Happy Holidays”

14) Not being allowed to beat and/or rape their wives

15) Corporations not pandering to their religion

16) Black people attending the same school as them

17) Governments not pandering to their religion

18) Indigenous people having rights

19) People calling racists “racists”

20) People having AIDS

21) People calling homophobes “homophobes”

22) Single mothers

23) Schools teaching science instead of their religion’s dogma

24) Atheists

25) Being told they can’t hit their children

26) The mentally ill not being locked up and tortured

But suuuuuuure this generation is the easily offended one.

Stop blaming yourself for other people’s shitty doings to you.

They fucked up, not you.

Child abusers don’t let children know they’re victims. Survivors of child abuse by large don’t know they’ve been abused. Abusive parents raise the child to have great compassion for them, to always view them as humane as possible, they make sure children are grateful to them, they point out every single thing they did for the child, such as “paid for your stuff” or “financed your schooling” or “gave you a roof over your head and fed you all these years” (even though to not do these things would be straight illegal, but they don’t mention that part, do they) as a proof of how good and generous they are, they make sure to recite all possible excuses to why they’re acting so abusive, they had a hard life, they have a lot on their plate, they’re good people they just make mistakes, they’ve been badly treated too, they don’t even know they’re hurting you, they’re insisting you’re too sensitive and get hurt from nothing, they don’t let the child hold them accountable or hold them guilty for any of their abuse. Abused child will be ashamed of themselves and hardly ever consider themselves a victim, they will be taught to repress and ignore trauma symptoms, to find a way to blame themselves for everything, to feel guilty just for how awful they feel all the time.

Emotionally abused child strongly believes that their parent is inherently good and deserves all the compassion in the world, all the excuses, all forgiveness and none of the blame for their actions (parents make sure children know that the blame would hurt them so children must never blame them) and will fight to defend the parent and point out why abuse was not really abuse, why children deserved it, why nobody is to blame, except maybe themselves, because “they weren’t good enough” to appease the parent which would then hopefully be a bit more kind (of course not). They often wont even admit how badly they’re scared of their parents.

To have an abused child realize they’ve been exploited, lied to, betrayed, systematically destroyed and dehumanized by their parent, their entire world needs to break down, everything they’ve been taught has to be acknowledged as a lie, what they considered right and fair needs to change to wrong, who they trusted the most needs to change to be least trust-worthy, who in their head, made sure they survive up to that point, needs to turn into a person who almost cost them their life, and destroyed it rather than held it safe. It’s not a fun ride. It’s devastating to go through, it breaks a person apart completely and forces them to re-construct their entire reality. And it’s the only way to have a chance to really recover, to validate themselves and their pain, to understand to what depth they’ve been damaged, and by who and why. It’s the only way to realize that they’re entitled to life, to food, to roof, to nurturing, to everything that was held against them, they’ve been required to feel grateful that they weren’t left to die. 

For those who still have to face this, or are facing it right now, you are going through the worst of your life right now. For those who have no empathy or patience for survivors to figure their lives out, fuck you, try living their life for a few years, see if you survive it. For abusers, I hope someone figures out how to force you to feel every single bit of pain you’ve inflicted on your children, I hope you fucking scream yourself to death from pain you’ve caused.

it’s so hard to imagine what good parents are supposed to be. I feel out of sync. watching parents interact with their children and being affectionate looks wrong, like a setup. hearing parents speak to their children with mutual respect or understanding, not demeaning them or manipulating them, looks like a façade. I feel like i should warn them. like I need to protect every kid I see. but some of them are safe? it doesn’t make sense.

It’s fun having to walk on eggshells at home

It’s fun staying in one room all the time.

It’s fun not being able to do what you want at home.

It’s fun always looking over your shoulder.

It’s fun being hyper-aware of where your parent is at all times.

It’s fun getting yelled at over anything and everything.

It’s fun having no energy to do basic cleaning.

It’s fun getting yelled at for not doing said cleaning.

It’s fun having to spend all your energy just to minimally function and deal with all the yelling.

It’s fun always weighing whether doing something (or not doing something) is better or worse than getting yelled at.

It’s fun always wondering if you forgot something and if you’ll get in trouble for it.

It’s fun always holding your breath when you’re in the same room or area as your parent.

It’s fun not being able to say you have a mental illness.

It’s fun knowing either they suspect or just don’t care and continue to yell at you for things you can’t do.

It’s fun never feeling truly safe or truly at home.

It’s fun having nowhere else to go.

It’s fun not being able to get any help.

It’s fun being isolated and alone.

Don’t expect children to heal your wounds.

Don’t expect children to make your lives easier.

Don’t expect children to give you a purpose.

Don’t expect children to make it up to you for everything you went through.

Don’t expect children to devote their life to you.

Don’t expect children to be your savers.

Children are their own people.

They deserve to have their own life and not to be addition to yours.

In case your upbringing taught you otherwise, you are allowed to enjoy yourself. You are allowed to do things that make you happy. It’s not lazy or wrong to take the time to do the things that make you feel good. My parents taught me that I wasn’t allowed to be happy or do things that I love. And that’s not ok. Give that new hobby a go. Draw/paint/sew/cook that thing. It’s not a waste of time. Your pleasure isn’t a waste of time. You are allowed to smile and have fun. And don’t feel bad for it.