Natasha: If this isn’t a test, then it’s something way worse: A choice! That weI have to make!
Pierre: Birth is a curse and existence is a prison.
Anatole: Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?
Dolokhov: I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.
Balaga:I know this sounds crazy, but I’m starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancingtroika competitions.
Sonya: In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew, ‘Go ahead and cry all you want. But you’re going to have to pay for that toilet plunger.‘”
Marya D: Okay, what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That’s okay, right?
Helene: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m definitely the best version of myself.
Mary: Okay, I’ve made my decision. I want to… start crying.
Andrey: What up, ding dongs?
Prince Bolkonski: Rule number one– I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two: no more Spider-Man movies! There’s way too many Spider-Man movies! Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men. Rule three: everyone leave me alone.
Helene: Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that?
thinks he’s in hell because he put almond milk in his coffee
once had a panic attack at a make your own sundae bar
“exploring makes me nervous”
has what doctors call ‘directional insanity”
once got lost on an escalator
“I am VEXED, eleanor!!!”
(after eleanor and tahani confess their love to him within 30 seconds of each other) “I need to step outside for some air…and I will not be back…for many days” [runs tf away]
(about a clown mural) “well, that’s terrifying”
“i love you too, egg!”
spent an entire recess as an ~8 year old debating the sexist ramifications of whether or not he picked a girl for his team and acknowledged his “limited male perspective”
when he thought he wouldn’t have a soulmate in the afterlife: “my soulmate will be books”
“i have a stomach ache” (and variations thereof)
“just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups”
(after being asked if he likes france) “well, they enslaved my country for 300 years, so no.”
“i’m not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me!!!”
”we’re gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers. it’s gonna be so much fun!!!”
was haunted for years by the fact that he lied to his friend about liking his ugly boots
clearly has a clinical disorder which makes it nearly impossible for him to make simple decisions like which soup to eat at dinner, and yet he never once hesitates to help eleanor even when his immortal soul is at stake (thatslovebitch.gif)