chicks id like to bang

KATIE ASELTON


Katie Aselton, or “Jenny MacArthur” from FX’s The League isn’t just the girl you bang, she’s the girl you keep around and bang A LOT.  I guess people call that dating?  Yeah, I’d definitely date Katie Aselton.  But that’s not the point, the point is i’d like to bang her.  She’s hot because she’s every day hot.  You could totally see a chick like this just walking around the mall or something, but she’s like the hottest every day hot there is.  So ya, Katie Aselton is a chick i’d like to bang.

GIVE ORAL: absolutely
RECEIVE ORAL: yes, but not priority
PREFERRED POSITION: cowgirl 
INTENSITY: passionate
TIME SPENT: make it last, couple hours at least 

JESSICA NIGRI


What can be said about Jessica Nigri that hasn’t already been said about Spielberg’s film career?  This is basically physical perfection. I purposely chose a crappy pic to display it’s not all in the pro photography she has in most of her photos.  And, to make matters worse (better), she is also a big nerd, and likes to dress up!  I mean, enough is enough lady, we get it, you’re perfect.  You want to believe a chick this perfect is probably also a bitch?  But I doubt it, cause she spends her time at Comic Conventions and other public and group events, so she’s probably awesome.  Jessica Nigri is above and beyond a chick i’d like to bang.

GIVE ORAL: for as long as she wants
RECEIVE ORAL: only if she wants to
PREFERRED POSITION: cowgirl, and you know, all the rest too
INTENSITY: over the top rough and crazy
TIME SPENT: lock the doors, close the blinds, it’s going to be awhile

2

KELLY LEBROCK

Yup, the chick from Weird Science (the movie).  I was born and raised in the 80s/90s, so I am naturally going to have left over desires for 80s chicks.  Back then I didn’t even really understand what my feelings were for Kelly LeBrock, but I liked it… now I’m like, OHHHH, I want to bang her, I get it.  "Yeah but dude, now she’s kinda old and a little chunky?“  Yeah, don’t care, would still bang her.  Given a choice i’d bang 80s Kelly of course, but recent Kelly can most definitely still get it.  You would’ve had to REALLY work for 80s Kelly.  But you know recent Kelly just wants the attention and is probably down for whatever.  So yeah, I’d like to bang the chick from Weird Science.

GIVE ORAL: 80s Kelly yes.
                 current Kelly NO
RECEIVE ORAL: 80s Kelly, briefly.
                      current Kelly, for most of the time spent, yes 
PREFERRED POSITION: 80s Kelly, pretty much all positions.
                          current Kelly, standing up from behind, almost exclusively. 
INTENSITY: really hot and sweaty, like exhausting.
               current Kelly, meaningless fucking.
TIME SPENT: 80s Kelly, 3 hours minimum.
                 current Kelly, get it done as quickly as possible. 

MEGAN FOX


I wanted to cite and example of a chick i’d like to bang, but not if I have to put a lot of effort into it.  I would most certainly like to bang Megan Fox, but I think really only because it just needs to be done.  She’s portrayed herself as a bit of a skank, and probably would need to be treated as such.  I think we’re looking at like a one time deal, just wherever it happens it happens, in a car, in a club, whatever.  Certainly a wham, bam, thank you m'am situation, but none the less, a chick i’d like to bang.

GIVE ORAL: too time consuming here, maybe just to get her going
RECEIVE ORAL: yes, because she wanted too.  maybe in the car or something?
PREFERRED POSITION: doggie style, no brainer
INTENSITY: straight up fucking
TIME SPENT: whole ordeal, 45 minutes tops

ANN ROMNEY


Oh just stop it!  Of COURSE you want to bang Ann Romney, I DO!  Are you kidding me?  No matter how you slice it, she’s totally bangable.  If you hate Mitt Romney, take your aggression out through a night of shared unholy passion with his wife!  If you think Mitt Romney is actually going to do this country some good, well then banging his wife would be like the next best thing to banging him!  Although, he would never do that because he “hates gays” or whatever.  Look, i’m not saying spend a romantic getaway with the woman, I’m saying just bang her out, with most of her clothes still on, video tape it, and upload it to a porn site.  Now you’ve either A: pissed Mitt off, B: showed the world your love for all things Romney or if nothing else C: made a ton of money off an Ann Romeny sex tape!  Win/win!  Ann Romney, a chick i’d like to bang.

GIVE ORAL: not a chance
RECEIVE ORAL: absolutely, preferably while Mitt’s in the next room
PREFERRED POSITION: doggie style, reversve cowgirl if she’s OK naked
INTENSITY: rough and meaningless
TIME SPENT: 30-35 minutes.  best done while he’s making a speech or something.