Musicals by John Mulaney

Book of Mormon:

I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.


Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Phantom of the Opera:

God can’t hear you.

Dear Evan Hansen:

And I said “no” you know, like a liar.

Mean Girls:

13 year olds are the meanest people in the world. They will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They’ll be like “Hey, look at that high-waisted man. He got feminine hips.”

West Side Story:

Every new song is about how “Tonight is the night” and how “We only have tonight.” That’s such 19 year old garbage.

Rent: *aggressive push* Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.


“Get away from my wife!” “No one talk to my wife!” “I didn’t kill my wife!”

Les Mis:

🎶Bread is God is Bread🎶


College is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not gonna do anything else for you!


Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken!

Mary Poppins:

Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.

Bonnie and Clyde:

Here’s how easy it was to get away with a bank robbery back in the ‘30’s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.


Was there even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?

I just saw a well-coiffed woman with an impeccable manicure reach into one of the decorative seasonal planters on State Street, pull up a WHOLE ASS PLANT, flowers, leaves, roots, all of it, and walk away with it hanging from one hand.

You do you, I guess, fancy plant stealing lady.

the punk jump has returned