Musicals by John Mulaney

Book of Mormon:

I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.

Heathers:

Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Phantom of the Opera:

God can’t hear you.

Dear Evan Hansen:

And I said “no” you know, like a liar.

Mean Girls:

13 year olds are the meanest people in the world. They will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They’ll be like “Hey, look at that high-waisted man. He got feminine hips.”

West Side Story:

Every new song is about how “Tonight is the night” and how “We only have tonight.” That’s such 19 year old garbage.

Rent: *aggressive push* Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.

Chicago:

“Get away from my wife!” “No one talk to my wife!” “I didn’t kill my wife!”

Les Mis:

🎶Bread is God is Bread🎶

Cabaret:

College is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not gonna do anything else for you!

Cats:

Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken!

Mary Poppins:

Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.

Bonnie and Clyde:

Here’s how easy it was to get away with a bank robbery back in the ‘30’s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

Anastasia:

Was there even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?

I just saw a well-coiffed woman with an impeccable manicure reach into one of the decorative seasonal planters on State Street, pull up a WHOLE ASS PLANT, flowers, leaves, roots, all of it, and walk away with it hanging from one hand.

You do you, I guess, fancy plant stealing lady.

the punk jump has returned