chewing scenery

Without exception, even the actors given predictable or meh roles just fall right into them. Almost everyone is given a chance to chew some scenery and nobody except nobody flat out consumes the set like Mr Jeff Goldblum. I’m pretty sure he was never given a script. I bet they put him in a costume, gave him some metallic blue makeup to apply to himself and told him to be a narcissist. Then at the beginning of every scene they gave him a brief synopsis and just….let him at it. He then proceeds to Goldblum all over the goldblumin’ set Goldblumily to his little Goldblum heart’s content.
—  my friend Zach, on facebook

one day, hollywood will cast a reasonable, down-to-earth person to play the joker. just a normal guy with a sensible separation between his identities on and off the screen

“yeah, it’s a fun role. I really get to chew the scenery, which is not the kind of part that I normally do, so I enjoy the change of pace”, he opines, probably while holding a cute dog

Roleplaying A God...

MEETING A GOD

When player characters meet a deity, they’re meeting a being with senses that extend for miles. 

A deity merely has to think of or desire something to have it. 

Its awareness of its portfolio covers vast areas, and its control of the building blocks of matter, energy, and life makes it the master of most situations, particularly on the Material Plane. 

The awesome presence of a deity cows most mortals, and may drive them from the deity in fear. 

Gods seek out mortals who do great deeds that favor the gods, as well as those who threaten their power, primacy, or existence. 

Even when a god graces a mortal or a group of mortals with its physical presence, that god’s attention is effortlessly in several places at once. 

Mortals who reach the home of a deity irritate that power with their interruption. 

They can expect a much cooler (or hotter, depending on the deity and the plane) reception. 

As the Dungeon Master, you manipulate the experience of meeting a god to suit your campaign. 

You can frighten the player characters or welcome them, depending on how you want the characters to feel about their deities, and how much you want the characters to interact with them. 

Depending on what kind of pantheon you have, you may be able to draw inspiration from elsewhere.

Keep reading

Things I Love About Star Wars

A Non-Exhaustive, Unranked List (Part 1 of ?) 

  • Everyone is constantly being dramatic, while complaining that everyone ELSE is so dramatic or overreacting
  • That time Jedi kids put on a circus show for pirates
  • The fact that Obi-Wan once pretended to be a bounty hunter and did an obstacle course inside a giant Rubik’s cube 
  • How often people drink alcohol especially in the Clone Wars
  • That time Luminara Unduli scolds Obi-Wan and Anakin to stop being in love with each other for 5 minutes so they can fight the damn war 
  • Obi-Wan jumping out of a window
  • Everyone at the Outlander checking out Anakin 
  • Everything Padme has ever worn, especially when it’s on, like, fucking Tatooine and she’s STILL all “hey check out this couture thing I got the designer to hand make for me personally” 
  • The faces everyone on the Council makes after Qui-Gon tells them he thinks the Sith are back 
  • Luke playing with a toy spaceship and then Anakin doing the same thing in TCW because coolness runs in their family 
  • Obi-Wan’s face in Episode 4 when Luke is bitching about how he can’t go to Alderaan
  • Leia sassing off to Darth Vader at the beginning of Episode 4 (a scene which keeps getting better now, thanks Rogue One
  • Vader’s Lava Castle 
  • Maul’s Obitine-Themed Revenge Shrine 
  • Darth Maul coming back on fucking robot spider legs and being more obsessed with Obi-Wan than even me and possibly Anakin 
  • The Darksaber existing
  • The sheer number of capes, including that Krennic has a rainproof one
  • Obi-Wan and Anakin’s robes in the comics and Vader’s cape in the comics being about 600 times longer than they actually are in the films and somehow always in front of a wind machine
  • Hux’s scenery-chewing villain speech before they destroy Hosnian Prime
  • Obi-Wan’s Post-Jedi-Trainee-Hair Hair
  • Anakin’s Post-Jedi-Trainee-Hair Hair 
  • Yoda stealing Luke’s food 
  • Artoo fucking off mid-assignment to take a spa day in that one TCW episode 
  • My wife Satine Kryze constantly yelling about pacifism
  • Chopper’s arm flails 
  • Vader bringing up Obi-Wan in like every third line he has in the OT even after the guy has been dead for actual years 
  • Kanan and Hera helping to run the goddamn Rebellion while raising a couple of teenage kids at the same time, one of whom is an unstable Jedi Trainee and the other of whom is a damn Mandalorian
  • Anakin’s Sand Soliloquy 
  • Count Dooku having exactly zero minutes of time for absolutely anyone ever, especially in TCW 
  • Sidious. Just…everything about him. 
  • The fact that Bail Organa goes out of his way to mention that he’s going back to Alderaan in Rogue One JUST to cause me pain 
  • The novelization of Revenge of the Sith 
  • Han Solo being like “pfft whatever Old Man I fly the Millennium Falcon” with that smug ass smile on his face while talking to OBI-WAN GODDAMNED KENOBI, who is just listening to all of this with this look like “you have absolutely no idea who you are dealing with here, kid” 
3x07 Thoughts

I have so many THOUGHTS about this episode and I did not expect to.

I really just want to talk about what I thought was great. That scene. The one interrupted by Madame Jeanne. 

After seeing that scene, I think it’s really interesting how the actors and writers talked so much about the Claire/Frank conflict scenes from early in the season as being meaty and thrilling to do. This scene, where she and Jamie really start to get to the heart of matters, with the joyous reunion emotions starting to recede, is so much more compelling and nuanced than the rather predictable and scenery-chewing staging of the C/F scenes.

We saw Claire last episode say she wanted Jamie no matter who he was. And now that she’s seeing who she thinks he is now, she clearly isn’t comfortable with it. 

Here’s where things get really interesting. What is the first thing she does? She suggests they get a home in Edinburgh. Settle down, so to speak. Then she suggests she could start a healing business. 

At each of these suggestions, Jamie is baffled. He bristles. How would Jamie of 20 years ago react? I think he’d tell her there’s nothing more he’d rather see than her happily living with him, keeping a home, living a peaceful life. Even if it weren’t practical at the moment, he’d accept it as a worthy goal. The Jamie of now cannot fathom such a thing. He cannot see the point when life, in his experience, is dangerous and unpredictable and untrustworthy. Claire is hit in the face with the understanding that this Jamie really has changed.

So, what is Claire doing when she suggests these things?

She’s trying to recreate her life in Boston. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that idea, but when you look at the big picture of her life, she is actually trying to do exactly what Frank did when she returned.

Frank assures her he doesn’t care about what happened in her past and they can start over.

He wants a nice house and a nice job and there is a Claire-shaped space already established in his tableau.

Claire tells Jamie she doesn’t care about who he may be now, she wants him and they can start over.

She wants a nice house and a nice job and there is a Jamie-shaped space already established in her tableau.

What happens when Frank starts to realize Claire isn’t going to fit into the tableau? What once might have been love dissolves into anger and resentment.

What happens when Claire starts to realize Jamie isn’t going to fit into the tableau? That is what we’re about to see. And it’s not going to be 20 years of anger and resentment.

What they’re going to do going forward is bring this to a head (with the L sitch) and then blow it all up and what emerges from the ashes are Claire and Jamie, seeing each other finally as who they really are and accepting each other completely.

There is no such thing as starting over. There is only coming together with their pasts as scars that are permanent, but fading parts of who they are.

Okay so I made a post a few days ago about how I wanted Laura to play someone with a bit more combat prowess in the next Crit Role campaign, because she’s a brilliant strategist who was held back by her character class. I just had a similar thought in regards to Travis. Plenty of people (myself included) want him to play a more intelligent character: Travis clearly had a lot of great tactical ideas he couldn’t use because of INT 6. But I’m hoping for something else as well, which comes down to #LetTravisMotherfuckinACT2018.

This is really very similar to my post about Vex and Laura, actually. Laura’s ability to impact combat was hamstrung by her weak character class: Travis’s chances for some hardcore epic acting were limited by a character who started out kind of one-note. And just like Laura, Travis still managed to use his limited toolset to produce some crazy awesome scenes. Grog could have easily spent the past hundred and fifteen episodes as pure comic relief, with his spotlight section from Episode 50-ish to Episode 52 as his only real chance for character development.

For contrast’s sake, in terms of emotional acting fodder, Percy had a cabal of bad guys after him, a haunted town, demonic curse on his soul, a love story, and the ramifications of inventing guns. He dealt with vengeance, death, pain, heartbreak, regret, rage, awkwardness, forgiveness, and joy. Taliesin had so many opportunities to play to his acting strengths, which are his marvelously-phrased one-liners and his restraint. He plays Percy as very cold and aloof until he has a good reason to break, and when he does break? HECK. The infamous Percy one-liners run the gamut from kickass (”You’re at the bottom of my list”) to heartwarming (”I’ve known a lot of people with money, and they are definitely not worth you”) to philosophical (”I live as long as Whitestone lives”). Every ten or so episodes, even after Whitestone, Taliesin would stumble into yet another reason for Percy to give an absolutely killer performance. And you can actually see what happens when he isn’t given the opportunity to perform, because that’s his position for the Underdark dungeon crawl. Percy/Taliesin remains quiet, occasionally breaking out stylish feats and snappy comebacks, but never quite reaching the performance intensity of things like “Your soul is forfeit.” Vax and Keyleth had a similar amount of acting fodder (”CALL ME CHILD ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME” >:( ), while Vex and Scanlan had a little less but came into more fodder as their plots developed.

Travis had so much less to work with from the get-go. Grog is big and dumb and bloodthirsty, and he has Kevdak to fight and his friendships with Pike and Scanlan, and that’s mostly it. And still, still, he managed to wring some great performances out of what he had. First off, I think we generally undersell how hard it is to play someone that dumb and also chaotic neutral. Travis is great at really committing to those flaws - which often lead to terrible if not life-threatening decisions in-game, and can therefore be really scary for players. For Travis, these difficult choices seem effortless. Remember how hard he threw himself into that fight over the skull in Episode 40? Moreover, he still delivers one-liners to rival Taliesin’s (”I hope you’ve got a necromancer in your group because I’m lookin’ at a fuckin’ dead man”) and some of them add profound dimension to a one-dimensional character (”I’m a big man, but you made me feel small”). He also rivals Taliesin (and even Matt!) for his ability to get the point of a scene across in one or two lines. When Keyleth is stressing about Raishan, Grog manages to calm her down with literally one word - family - and a short explanation of what it means to him.

Travis and Laura both stumbled into limitations on play based on how the game was initially created. Rangers are considerably better in Pathfinder than they are in 5e, and Grog didn’t need to be ‘deep’ because, hey, they were only going to play once. Given what the Bailinghams pulled off even with these limitations, though, I am dying to see what happens once the shackles come off. Let Travis chew the scenery, guys!!! Hopefully with werewolf teeth c:

OUAT Mini-Review 6x11: Tougher Than The Rest

We’re baaaaack! At last I can leave the anti-rumple tag, which I’ve been in so long I started to get brochures about time shares, and go back to snarking on everyone. Oh, happy day! Let’s dive into that enchanted overnight wardrobe together. Ready?

  1. Someone needs to talk to Emma about her eyebrow situation– she looks perpetually surprised and slightly upset. That’s how most Rumbellers felt all of 6A so I feel you, Emma– but Kabuki Eyebrows are not the look for spring. Change the fate on your face first, yes?
  2. Teen!August looked nothing like either Adult!August or Kid!August but maybe that’s a subtle meta-commentary on unreliable narrators? Discuss.
  3. Kid!Emma looks like she could punch you in the face and I admire that. It’s tough to glare in a beanie, but she’s got it down. I love that she chose her own name, too.
  4. I don’t know why they needed a magic chisel when Pinocchio could just chew the scenery all the way down to Storybrooke. But while I disliked the O.G. bobble-headed liar I really liked Wish!August, daddy issues and all. I even liked that Original!August was typing on the Mystery Fakeout Typewriter in the garage so he wouldn’t wake his Papa. Such a nice boy. I guess this episode was about Redeeming Non-viable Stubbly Love Interests– I’m not sure we needed that, but it was nice to see. (Now, where’s Walsh?)
  5. Wish!August carved a wooden swan (ship name call-out!) out of instinct, and Wish!Robin had his feather and didn’t age (along with Wish!Sheriff Nottingham), implying that there IS a connection between the Wish!realm and the “real” realm. Maybe all Wish!Robins go to heaven?
  6. Wish!Robin is bitter and salty and somehow I liked him better than the real thing. Wish!Robin and Regina had more of a believable connection in this episode than all of S3-5 for me, which just goes to show when you slow down and have people talk to one another instead of just screaming at monsters in the same frame magic can happen. 
  7. Regina gets hit with the Anti-magic Slap Bracelet of Convenient Plot-points … but wasn’t that brought to Storybrooke by Greg/Tamara/Peter Pan? How would it appear in the Wish!verse? (Cue Wish!Rumple reading “Circuitry and Plot Holes for Dummies.”)
  8. I know we’re supposed to sympathize that Regina’s super glum that this realm seems to be “better off without her” but, you know, she DID drop a lot of bodies. I want Regina to love herself and re-integrate post-haste because it’s healthy  … and also because Split!EvilQueen has killed three people and screwed with Belle. But I am here for Happy!Regina– let’s see more of that this season.
  9. Wish!Hook was there for comedic effect, and it worked for me! Nice to know he’s still got his swagger in this realm; I didn’t even mind the potbelly. What would you rather, a bag of bones?
  10. Speaking of which … So Wish!Snow and Charming never checked Regina’s tower for prisoners, which is why Wish!Belle starved to death along with who knows how many others? This is why Regina is mayor. This is why Regina will ALWAYS be mayor. Remember in S2 when the curse broke and everyone was running around trying to find their loved ones and Charming just gave a speech about hope, when it turned out Regina had binders that scrupulously recorded everyone’s real name, cursed name, and address because she’s a giant nerd who takes her real-life SIMS game seriously? Regina may kill the odd peasant when she’s having a bad day but she’s the Project Manager Storybrooke needs, is what I’m saying.
  11. If Belle was dead for 28 years when Rumple found her skeleton, how did he know it was her? Did Belle claw a goodbye message in the walls before she died? “DEAR RUMPLE SORRY WE NEVER BANGED XOXO BELLE.”
  12. Also, that wasn’t remotely a full skeleton Rumple dropped on the ground. What did he do with the re– you know what? I don’t wanna know. (Note to fic writers: I don’t want to see the words “sad wanking” and “tibia” in the same sentence, okay? O-KAY?)
  13. Gideon wants to be a hero, like his mom, by stabbing someone, like his dad. I love it. Gideon is a tall emo drink of Angsty Monk and I totally would– but where are his lips? #PoofGideonLips2k17
  14. When Rumple had his tete-to-eyes-all-the-way-up-here-tete with Gideon and went: “You’ve been alive for 28 years, I’ve been alive for centuries. There are things a man learns …” I thought for a second it was going to turn into a rather-late-in-the-day explanation of the birds and the bees. “Your mother has written this pamphlet with some of her favorite positions, but you have to be a bit flexible to– wait, where are you going?”
  15. Do you think Belle has her wardrobe categorized by mood? Her white fur coat ensemble was filed under “I’m Trustworthy But I Like to Bang Dangerous People.”
  16. Unless the script read: “RUMPLE sneaks off STAGE LEFT while BELLE awkwardly goose-steps off STAGE RIGHT” the director has some explaining to do. That was the worst example of “walk casual” I’ve ever seen, unless they just had an angsty parental quickie in the alley or something.
  17. Speaking of weird directorial choices, where’s the missing scene between Belle and Gideon? At the well Belle intimates that Hook/Charming “betrayed her trust”– but she just asked them to hold off until she could talk to Gideon. That was during the day and then all of a sudden it’s night, Belle’s changed outfits, she hasn’t talked to Gideon, and she says she “protected [Gideon] knowing what he wanted to do.” Er, was this off-screen? I know a lot of Rumbelle is reading between the lines but sometimes things need to make it in the episode, you guys. Maybe next episode will have a Belle/Gideon conversation and they didn’t want to be too repetitive?
  18. Way to ruin your mom’s clock tower, Gideon! I know some people were mad at Belle for staying on the Jolly Roger in 6A instead of in her library apartment … but do you know how many times the clock tower has been broken into by villains? Maid!Joanna died there, Hook was tied up there, Rumple tried to massacre nuns there, Maleficent was in the basement for 28 years, I think Dark Swan hung out there once … Belle would never get any rest up there, is what I’m saying.
  19. Charming is going off the rails on a sleep-deprived crazy train and I’m here for it. But remember, Snow is the brains of this particular operation. Tag her back in before you drop of exhaustion, yes? No more than three Red Bulls at a time.
  20. I’m all for the message that you can change your fate, but this is intimating the writers are taking “Killing Emma” off the table of options, no? That leaves either depowering-via-shears, sleeping curse until a “cure” is found, or some kind of Hail Mary-Margaret shenanigans in the finale involving a mass-TLK or something. *bites fingernails* I can’t stand the suspense!
Officer Benny and Characterisation in Stealth

There’s a very special NPC in Thief II: The Metal Age. In the dimly-lit games room of the Truart Estate, surrounded by the discarded playing cards and abandoned dartboards of the recent party held by the Sheriff and his debaucherous toff friends, a lone drunken City Watch officer disconnectedly rambles to the barmaid on duty. His name is Officer Benny, and I love him.

“I can’t believe that s-some (hic) taffer went and spilled mead all over that rug!” he yells as you approach unseen, his model swaying unsteadily in a dramatic display of intoxication. The barmaid, clearly worn out by a harrowing work shift, sighs wearily.

“Benny… you spilled the mead on the rug,” she explains patiently. “Anyway, someone is on the way to clean it up already.”

“But you don’t understaaand!” Benny wails, now clearly, inexplicably on the verge of tears. “These (hic) taffers have no respect for such… b-beautiful things!

Around this point, it’s likely that you’ll start to tune out and skulk around in the gloom, looking for the telltale glint of loot to funnel into your pockets. Stacks of coins and rings litter the gaming tables, tempting you to sneak a hand under the hanging lamps. One of Karras’s Children—a hunchbacked steam-powered automaton with a head like a brass football —clanks around the room, mindlessly praising its creator to the heavens. It’s not much of a threat, but it’s certainly an annoying little contraption. One water arrow to the boiler grate usually does the trick.

“Benny, I think you’ve had too much to drink. Aren’t you supposed to be on duty?”

“Hah. So what if I am, huh?” he says, sounding more than a little defensive. “Anyways, I work mm-better when I’m drunk. It makes me fearless! If I see a bad guy, I’ll just point my sword at him, and saaaaaay… HEY, BAD GUY!”

You freeze, momentarily worried you’ve been spotted trying to snaffle the discarded goblet from beside the fireplace. Benny continues with his charade, utterly oblivious.

“You’re not s’posed to be here! G-go home or I’ll stick you with my sword ‘til you go ‘Ouch, I’m dead!’ Ah-hah-hah-hurgh!” He makes an indescribable sniffing, gurgling, chuckling noise, and momentarily falls silent. “See? Ain’t no one gonna be messin’ with ol’ Benny.”

“Whatever, Benny. I think you should sleep it off. No more mead for you.”

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a fairly trivial exchange: it doesn’t tie into some larger arc, it doesn’t impart any useful information about objectives or security system vulnerabilities, and neither Officer Benny nor the barmaid will ever be seen again. Benny’s emotional ping-ponging is unconvincing at best, and while his delivery certainly isn’t lacking in vigour, the only character in the room with exceptional voice acting is Garrett, the Master Thief; the one surreptitiously pocketing everyone’s gambling winnings during this exchange. And yet, Benny’s rambling accomplishes something very special. It’s the perfect, emblematic example of a quality present throughout the Thief games; one that shapes how we approach them, and in turn, the experiences they provide.

Thief II gives you a sword. Not a discreet little knife, fit for a slippery cutthroat, but a proper blade; the kind for lopping off soldiers’ limbs on a muddy, arrow-strewn embankment. It’s a silent acknowledgement that you may have to kill men, not in a surprise scuffle where you jump them from behind the bins, but in a full-on fight with multiple assailants. It’s the kind of thing you defend yourself with when things are rapidly going downhill and there’s nowhere to run; a tool for when the halls are filled with the sounds of alarm bells and clattering jackboots. In the right hands it can be quite effective, and it’s entirely possible to hack n’ slash your way through a legion of aggravated soldiers, provided they’re courteous enough to approach you in a narrow corridor or something.

Something doesn’t add up here, does it? Stealth needs reasons for you to stealth, so to speak. There have to be incentives to keep you in hiding, and those incentives usually start with some sort of punishment for being caught. You’re supposed to be outmatched and outgunned, or at the very least, have some higher-level motive for not wanting to be seen. If Garrett can accomplish his goals by going where he pleases and stabbing everyone who looks at him the wrong way, what’s stopping him, really?

Well, it’s kind of a dick thing to do, of course, but gamers have never been above murdering NPCs for slightly inconveniencing them. It’s also a flat-out fail state on many missions if you attempt them on a higher difficulty setting, but by the time you get around to them you’ve almost certainly put the idea out of your head long ago in any case. Dishonored, Thief’s darling modern protégé, would invisibly bump up the Chaos meter—a hidden metric that determines whether Corvo’s been naughty or nice—but Thief itself has no such system, and other than occasionally dropping remarks along the lines of “remember, murdering people is for poser scrublords”, does little to impress upon you the moral wrongness of your actions. A corpse is functionally identical to an unconscious body—indeed, were it not for a single line of HUD text, they’d be impossible to differentiate at all—and sure, people might be a bit more screamy if you clobber them over the head with a blade rather than a blackjack, but what does that matter if you’ve already established you’re not interested in being quiet?

No, Thief II chooses instead to work with characterisation. Who, of the people you encounter throughout its missions, are your enemies? Not the tired watchmen trudging through the halls on a cold evening; not the harmless peasants, trying to prosper in an industrial revolution even as it crushes them between its wheels; not even the Mechanist underlings, suckered into a fad cult and set to work fulfilling Karras’s insane agenda. Your foes are far away, clinking glasses in rooms full of light and music, and most of them will never meet you face-to-face. What direct quarrel do you have with the guards who patrol the game’s moody locales, besides the fact that they’re between you and your goal?

Right. They’re not your enemies, so Thief doesn’t characterise them as enemies. Engendering sympathy to discourage murdering NPCs is hardly a novel concept, but Thief’s approach stands out, primarily because it’s less about pre-emptive guilting and more about subtle humanisation. While you creep around behind their backs, guards will hum, whistle, recite passages, moan about the cold, mumble to themselves, even wonder aloud when they’re getting dinner. You’ll find guards cracking jokes, trash-talking each other’s employers, discussing financial management, complaining about the weather, worrying about being replaced by the new-fangled mechanical eyes, and a thousand other ordinary things totally unrelated to the here-and-now of their work shift. They’re not goose-stepping around shouting “boy, I sure hope nobody stabs me in the back while I’m pacing back and forth, how would my wife and three children ever survive on the streets without a loving father like me?”; they’re just… well, bored, usually. Wouldn’t it be terrible to have to cut down a person like that, just because they made the mistake of investigating some footsteps a little too closely? Thief makes you want to stay unseen, not for your own sake, but for the sake of those who might see you.

And Officer Benny? He’s the epitome of this humanisation. Not only is he drunk, chatty, skiving off work and chewing the scenery with an unprecedented level of unhinged abandon, but through his babbling, he offers an insight into his attitude. There’s no black, tarry pit of hatred boiling away somewhere in him, fuelled by some personal vendetta, waiting to bubble over in fury at the sight of a wayward miscreant; he’s just doing what he’s supposed to. Benny sees himself as the cop in the proverbial cops and robbers: a figure of authority in a simplistic world, out to stop the scoundrels and ruffians in a game where everyone mutually agrees on the rules. His inebriated cry of “HEY, BAD GUY! You’re not s’posed to be here!” is born of this position, announcing what he sees as incontestable truths, spoken more out of convention than anything else. And what’s his ultimatum? Go home, or get stabbed. Go home. Even faced with someone absolutely, undeniably in the wrong, in his morally black-and-white world, his first thought is of telling them to scarper; to leave peacefully, without accountability or interrogation. He’s not smart, or nuanced, or even—if you catch his attention—particularly true to his word, but Officer Benny’s attitude is charming in its simplistic naivety, devoid of real malice or antagonistic ideals. For that, I could no more swing my sword at him than kick a puppy, and that’s why he holds Thief II’s formula together—along with countless other watchmen, guards and Mechanists.

Thanks, Benny. I hope your hangover wasn’t too rough.

if the dark tower had come out in 1987 it’d be a cult classic and there’d be a bunch of thinkpieces abt how despite it’s flaws, it had been unfairly overlooked for thirty years, and if you ever wanted to get in on the ground floor of something like that, here you go

like, yeah, it’s a little uneven, and it’s a solid b script with a couple of a list actors punching above the movies pay grade, but, i hate to break it to you, most good movies are

actual a list casts, scripts, directors, and budgets all together are astonishingly rare and always have been

the majority of the movies you and everyone else actually like are only half good, bc the system is not really designed to produce anything better

anyways this is being almost universally panned but it’s a solid 80s fantasy movie with a coherent internal logic, matthew mcconaughey chewing scenery, and idris elba shooting an army of rat-men

One of the best, most underrated action movies of all time has to be 2003′s The Rundown. And I’m really surprised that it doesn’t have more of a following here on Tumblr of all places, considering it has…

The Rock as a bounty hunting wannabe chef with a heart of gold who doesn’t like guns because they “make him go somewhere he doesn’t wanna go”. At one point his head gets humped by a baboon.

Christopher Walken as the villain who is as Christopher Walkeny as he can possibly be, chewing the scenery and hamming it up. He gives random speeches about refrigerators and the tooth fairy and runs a gold mine in south America, enslaving hundreds. His head henchman also wields two bull whips and that’s very cool.

Rosario Dawson as a tough barmaid/freedom fighter who you think is the love interest, but actually ends up just having her own plot line involving an underground rebellion and bringing prosperity back to her people by taking down Walken. She ends up with neither of the main guys, or any guy for that matter.

Sean William Scott as a wisecracking Indiana Jones type who is hunting an ancient artifact. He spends the whole movie handcuffed and bickering with The Rock.

The guy who plays Charlie in Wonder Woman as a Scottish pilot who is unintelligible, but who acts as a commentator on the events of the movie. He also wears a kilt and plays the bagpipes during the final showdown.

Bonus: Ernie Reyes Jr. as one of the rebels who uses swinging, treetop, monkey jiu jitsu to beat the crap out of The Rock to spite being half his size.

Did I also mention that the whole thing takes place in the Amazon jungle and has humping monkeys, hallucinogenic fruit, whip fights and explosions and In the end it’s The Rock and Sean William Scott who end up together?

Soundtrack includes Missy Elliot and Johnny Cash.

So why is/was this movie not more popular?

10

so you’re saying this Genesis is some sort of… angel demon baby?

if by “baby,” you mean the most powerful entity ever known, the singular force that could shift the balance of power and threaten all of creation, then yeah, it’s a baby.

2

Hux is perhaps Star Wars’s deadliest villain ever — “sideburn-twirling” as Gleeson described him — unapologetically fixated on eradicating all of the First Order’s enemies. And Gleeson got an undeniable kick out of getting to chew some scenery. “You just get right in there and say, ‘Right, fuck it, let’s go,’” he said, grinning brilliantly. “That is fun.” - Domhnall for Buzzfeed News, photographed by Bella Howard.

Capture The Haggis

“Is the call working?” Asked Nikii as her microphone crackled.

“Yeah, I can hear you,” replied Samantha over the slightly fuzzy connection.

“Everyone is here!” Cheered Oasis as she tapped quickly on the keyboard.

“Yeah, just loading into the lobby,” replied Jessica, her heavy accent made even worse by the low call quality.

“So what am I doing?” Asked Nikii gently, seeming almost nervous to ask.

“You’ve never played this before?” Asked Oasis before taking a breath. “Right, it is your basic FPS control setup, so you move with WASD and aim with your mouse. The text should tell you the plot, but basically, we are in two teams and we are in a race to get the thing from the vault and then deliver it back to our start point.”

Nikii made gentle noises of agreement as she skimmed through the test on her screen before she blurted out. “Haggises stuffed with cocaine?!”

“Yeah, that is what we need to get.” Replied Samantha.

“Why?” Asked Nikii sounding both confused and shocked.

“Do you want to know the in-game reason or the actual reason?” Asked Oasis, only to be interrupted by Jessica.

“Because the developers wanted to give the Scottish character a themed mission but they’ve never been to Scotland in their damn lives.” She said with a wry chuckle.

“Also, a haggis is easy to model,” added Samantha.

“Right,” murmured Nikii sounding less than totally convinced by either explanation. “So who do I shoot?”

“Well, based on the team list, it seems it is going to be me and you, teaming with Jessica to shoot Oasis, Alya, and Nero. Annoyingly it didn’t put you with Oasis because I know you two get on like a house on fire,” giggled Samantha.

“Hey!” Yelled Nikii.

“No making her bashful! That is my job!” Chuckled Oasis in response. “And do keep in mind, I get on well with at least half of this call.”

“Right sure,” started Samantha before two quick beeps interrupted her.

“Who’s ready to steal some coke!” Shouted Nero, her voice somehow both high pitched and aggressive. “I finally unlocked the thing that lets you paint all your guns neon pink, so I’m going on a stealth run!”

“Neon pink isn’t usually the best for stealth,” replied Jessica.

“Lolita stealth! It is going to be the next big thing in espionage,” Giggled Nero wildly.

“Or reverse stealth, you are so bright the brain can’t process you and you are effectively invisible.” Added Alya after a short wave of low static.

“Hey! Everyone is here!” Shouted Oasis. “Everyone ready up!” She said before a flurry of clicking occurred.

Quickly the game loaded up and Nikii pushed the buttons gently, trying to make sure she knew what did what.

“You loaded up okay?” Asked Samantha.

“Yeah, think I get it,” said Nikii, evening moving her aim up and down to make her character nod.

“Of course, it is slightly unusual in we can all hear each other,” said Oasis as she tapped on her keys furiously.

“Just means we need to be clandestine!” Added Alya. “We are the night!”

“Well we better get moving, follow me and if you see any of them, just shoot!” Exclaimed Samantha before running off, Jessica not far behind.

Nikii tried to follow the other two, quickly picking up the controls, despite them being more sensitive than she would like. Just as she was working out she could jump around like a rabbit on sugar a shot rang out and her screen went red.

“Found you!” Shouted Nero.

“Nikki, get behind here!” Shouted Samantha, bouncing her character up and down as Jessica fired wildly past her. Nikki coordinate as best she could, her screen flashing red several times in the process.

“What are we going to do?” Asked Nikki slightly flustered as she tried to help out as best she could.

“Everyone break off and try and get to the vault!” Shouted Jessica. As she moved her character as quick as she could, firing a few volleys back as best she could. Nikki tried to follow along, only to get turned around and lost and soon she was wandering around alone in the corridors of the level.

“Does this game have a map?” She asked.

“Nope,” Replied Nero quickly.

“Then where is the vault?” Asked Nikki.

Oasis started to answer only to quickly change her sentence. “Samantha, try and take cover behind things actually bigger than you!” She started while the tapping of her keys echoed through her microphone. “Wait? what?”

“Railings are solid objects in this game,” laughed Samantha. “So you can see me, but not hit me, because collision detection is hard!” She said, her giggle momentarily becoming a snort.

“Oh, I’ll hit you! I just need a better angle!” Shouted Oasis, leaving Nikki without an answer as she wandered the games identical corridors, each step soundtracked by key tapping and distant gunfire.

Very soon, all of the girls were talking over each other, leaving Nikki even more confused as to what exactly she should be doing as she ran around the various corridors, jumping mostly to make it seem like she had some purpose.

“Where am I going?” Asked Nikki once more, trying to find out what was going on. Before she saw a big silver thing in front of her. “Hey, I found the vault!” She cheered before stopping a moment and realizing she didn’t know if it was the vault or not. She moved into it and saw some brown things on a plinth and the screen flashed a control to pick it up so she shrugged and presumed she was right.

“Awesome!” Said Jessica. “Now run it back to where we started! As they’ll try and hunt you down!” Nikki started to run, still not sure where exactly she was going, but at least running made her look vaguely like she was playing correctly.

After a few minutes of frantic and confused running. Nikki came to a large circular room full of desks and debris. She scanned it quickly, trying to find any hint of which way she should be going.

“Come into my parlor said the spider to the person getting shot!” Shouted Oasis as Nikki’s screen went red as she got shot. Suddenly more gunfire came from behind her.

“Get behind something, I’ll hold her off, Jessica come quickly!” Shouted Samantha as her character burst in and started shooting at the one Oasis controlled. Nikki jumped around, trying to find some cover as Jessica and Nero burst in and started exchanging fire.

After a few moments, Samantha shouted, “Nikki, make a run for it! Down the one to the left!” Nikki didn’t wait and started to move only to hear Oasis start to speak in a low voice, one that caused her brain to tingle.

“Nikki, don’t do that, stay here,” purred Oasis, her speech punctuated by rapid-fire clicking.

“I, return the haggis?” Asked Nikki, not realizing she had stopped moving her character.

“No, you want to make sure you don’t have it, jump off a ledge, for me,” Oasis continued to purr.

“No using hypnosis!” Growled Jessica. “Don’t listen to her Niki, run!” She shouted, sounding both enthused and frustrated.

“Jessica, don’t your lips feel like glue? Like they could just, stick together, so hard to pull them apart,” continued Oasis.

“No, they,” started Jessica before her voice became muffled, to everyone listening it was pretty clear that she was speaking through closed lips.

“I’m not going to fall for this!” Shouted Samantha as she strafed her character around, firing rapidly, trying to co-ordinate with the now mute Jessica. “Hey Nero, you going to stand for this? I thought you were all about fair competition!” She said firmly as she bounced onto a box. The call going silent as she waited for an answer that never came.

“Nice try,” chuckled Oasis. “Now Nikki, please go jump off the ledge, it will be so helpful, so useful to me if you could just jump off the ledge,” purred Oasis. Niki’s brain tingled a warm and fuzzy tingle as she found herself nodding gently, starting to walk towards the ledge part of the stairwell.

“Nikki! Stop!” Shouted Samantha, watching as Niki ignored her words both in the call and in the game. Samantha tried to bounce over to Niki in the hope she could stop her, but her character bounced right thought Nikki’s like it wasn’t even there.

Nikki was oblivious to all of this, all she wanted to do was get rid of the haggis and jump off the ledge, it would make Oasis happy. She would be useful, she loved being useful. She reached the edge and pressed the spacebar and watched as her character plummeted to the floor. As the screen flashed red and changed to a view of Samantha and Jessica fighting off Nero and Oasis, Nikki blinked and shook her head.

“Wonderful! Such a useful Nikki” chuckled Oasis. “Nero, pull back! We’ll go grab it now!” She smiled as she dashed off, Nero right behind.

Suddenly Nikki’s screen changed again as she respawned. As she squirmed in her chair, the praise of being “useful” once again washing over her.

“Nikki! Snap out of it!” Shouted Samantha. “We need to head back to the vault! I’m so not letting you get away with this Oasis!”

“Try and stop me!” Cackled Oasis as Nikki came back to her senses.

“Hey! No fair!” She shouted as she started to move towards the rest of her team.

“Like you want me to stop!,” replied Oasis. “I mean, would you really want me to stop?”

“I do not want you to stop. Use my mind however you wish Master,” repeated Nikki in a gentle monotone before a loud smack rang over the mic as she covered her lips.

“You really have a big bag of tricks today,” said Samantha as Jessica let out muffled sounds that passed for agreement.

“It is not a bag of tricks, it is a plan to assure victory,” monologued Oasis, starting to very obviously ham it up. “I can’t allow a team like you three to get in the way of my glorious domination, now can I?”

“Be careful chewing that much scenery, the paint might contain lead!” Mocked Samantha as she dashed through the corridors of the level. Nikki followed on happy that she wouldn’t get lost this time.

After a few minutes they arrived back at the vault, and Nikki’s team faced down Oasis and Nero. “Wait,” blurted Niki, “wasn’t Alya on their team as well?”

“Oh holy,” started Samantha before a gunshot rang out and Jessica’s character flew across the screen before vanishing. “She’s sniping!” She shouted as she dived behind some boxes.

“She is a good shot!’ Exclaimed Nikki as she got behind the boxes.

"Yeah, she doesn’t usually have the patience for this!” Shouted Samantha sternly. “I think shenanigans are afoot!” She continued before giggling for a second. “Alya, don’t say anything if you are hypnotized!” Several seconds of silence passed before Alya’s microphone crackled into life.

“I am not hypnotized. However, I need to kill you to make sure Oasis wins.” She said in a dull and sleepy monotone.

“Attack!” Exclaimed Samantha as she dashed forward, Nikki quickly scrambling to find the right controls. Samatha quickly took out Nero without Alya being able to fire a shot, she moved to take out Oasis but Oasis was able to quickly fall back. “Ha! I knew you would have to go into the text chat to command your two hypnotized minions around!” Gloated Samantha as she pursued Oasis into the vault area.

Soon Oasis has reached the center of the vault and was against a wall, Nikki and Samantha advancing on her slowly. “Nikki,” purred Oasis gently, her words so would that it caused the microphone to vibrate slightly.

“Don’t listen to her Nikki!” Pleaded Samantha, already realizing where this was going. Nikki’s character remained still. In the real world, her eyes were wide as she stared at the screen, her mouth hanging open. She was a deer in headlights, she knew a command was coming and even though part of her may not want to listen, she just couldn’t help herself, her urge to obey overwhelmed any other urge she could possibly have, it overwhelmed reality itself.

“Nikki, please shoot Samantha for me, it would be so very useful,” purred Oasis. “Just look and fire, for me,” continued Oasis, the words sliding through Nikki’s mind, she felt a familiar fuzziness wash over her, everything felt so very automatic, like her body wasn’t under control. She turned her character and aimed her crosshair at Samantha, not stopping to question why or the consequences. Oasis had told her, it had to be done. She clicked her mouse and watched as Samantha’s character flew across the screen and despawned. She felt a wave of pleasure wash over her body, cutting through the fuzziness.

“Wonderful, so useful!” Praised Oasis as she walked to the plinth and picked up the haggis. “Follow me, minions!” She chuckled as Nikki and Alya fell in behind her.

Oasis quickly moved towards her team’s base, however, just as she reached the door a message flashed up across the screen as it faded to black. “Out of time?” She exclaimed. “Who set the game to be time limit mode?!”

“Whats going on? I think I fell asleep,” murmured Alya drowsily.

“I…hey! You hypnotized me to cheat!” Exclaimed Nikki as her thoughts returned to normal.

“It is not my fault you two are weak willed around me!” Giggled Oasis.

“Weak-willed? It seems a wave of your hand and they fall asleep,” laughed Samantha in response. “I have to admit, making my own team mate shoot me was very super villain like.”

“Why thank you, I pride myself on it!” said Oasis.

“Oh dear,” laughed Nero as the screen changed again. “Seems like the game is putting Samantha, Oasis, and Nikki together on a team.”

“Wonderful!” purred Oasis as Nikki squirmed in her seat. “Well, it seems like this could be fun!”

“Indeed it will be, with me on your team you won’t need to resort to dirty tricks!” teased Samantha.

“Of course I won’t, but Nikki, why don’t you have a nap, we’ll explain exactly what you need to do this round,” purred Oasis as Nikki’s mind fogged over once more.

pipertennant replied to your post “i do find your salt especially entertaining :3”

people have been shitty about bobby??? why??? being rude about the actors just ain’t kosher

Oh, here’s a tiny taste

RC is strictly a B-list actor who ONLY brings scenery chewing to the role, something ANY UK actor (cause LBR, most of them are really good) could EASILY bring and better. He grossly overacts and then carries on with biting the hand that feeds him (well) and implying he’s too good for any of this.

Previously, he was relegated to languishing in low budget, fake art shit … 

It goes on. And on, and on. 

And that’s just the TIP of the Dumpster. There are other Captain Yawn fans who rag on Bobby, particularly his looks, the way he dresses, and the age difference between his character and Emilie’s character (which is silly because an age difference of 20 years is absurdly common in American media). I won’t link to anymore, because I can’t stand to read the vile things they’ve written. Can’t do it.