darkness never was a friend
late nights, cold lonely mornings
nights when the ceiling catches my eye
and sleep is more than elusive.
shadows hide in the darkness
the chemicals in my brain wired wrong
when the clock ticks on past 10:00
I can’t stop checking the locks.
it’s not funny how my hands shake
and I can’t close my eyes
without the television blaring in front of me
so I don’t feel quite as alone.

If you feel scared or sad it is not “what happened to you” that creates the feeling. It is the thoughts you had about what happened to you. These thoughts come in reaction to our perception of events. They just pop in and then we feel the emotion. We cannot undo a thought any more than we can unring a bell. 

Once we feel the rush of sadness or fear we can think “okay a thought has caused the secretion of chemicals in my brain which manifest themselves as the emotion I feel at this moment”. It will take some time for these chemicals to filter back out and during that time you will feel the emotion. If you repeat the thought the emotion is prolonged. It’s simple chemistry. Banish the thought, and you will eventually regardless of any techniques, you eliminate the feeling.

Thought always proceeds emotion but emotions can influence thought. So it is easy to see how we can get locked into repetitive patterns of thought and emotion. 

Perversely we seem to be wired more for fear than joy.

anonymous asked:

Why were you so depressed before

Because ppl love to play games and the chemicals in my brain like to destroy me

I’m on such a fucking high from catching Pokemon all day and consuming gossip THE CHEMICALS IN MY BRAIN ARE FIZZY HAPPY and I know this can only mean I will crash hard tomorrow WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL THESE BRAIN CHEMICALS DAMMIT all I want to do is hunt a few Pokemon and stay up to date on the pop culture I NEVER INTENDED TO SPIRAL LIKE THIS i really never do and yet it’s like I black out or something oh god I’m afraid of my own brain. This is why I don’t touch drugs.

The hardest part of being mentally ill

For me, anyway, is the lifelong nature of it. I’ve had generalized anxiety for ~16 years now, & major depressive disorder for 13 or 14 years, depending on where you draw the symptom line. There is no “cure” for this. Chemical imbalance in my brain is somewhat corrected with medications, maladaptive thinking is slowly being improved with therapy; But these disorders aren’t going anywhere- I’ll have them for the rest of my life. & sometimes, the weight of a lifetime of fighting my own mind, of years of pills & counseling just to function at a level other people take for granted… It’s fucking exhausting.

I walk down the sidewalk

From right to left

The alcohol in my veins keeps the stupid smile on my face

The empty bottles of cheap French wine hidden in the grass

I never cared, I never will

I have done worse things

I’m a vodka whore

Whether its pills, alcohol or blood,

I will do anything so that my mind is fucked up,

I need things to keep me going,

Destroy my lungs, heart, all of my body

Scars all over my skin

I’m done praying

I don’t need to feel god

When I’ve got substances to make me feel like a god

When I’ve got tragedy to keep me sane

Damaged chemicals in my brain

Emotionally scarred friends and family,

I am no one without my catastrophe

I need pain

I need blood,

I need it for my unstimulated mind

I’ve ripped up bibles,

I’ve carved in to the wall


But Satan is alive for sure

I’ve cared into my leg


Self-hatred hailed

Hate me so I can have a reason to feel this way

Nothing matters anyway

The morning moon

The sun at night

Death is the only peace I’ll get

But before I die I’ll make sure no one will forget

Who I was, what I’ve done

That I was reckless,

That I was the laugh at 3 am

That I was someone who could have been great

i think anxiety is subsiding but depression is swooping in? that’s not fun.

edit: and I don’t know if it’s actual like my-brain-chemicals-are-inherently-fucked-up depression but probably just me feeling lonely but then when people try to reach out I don’t reach back and that’s probably more a sign of depression but idk man i just want more pizza

Out of curiosity

If you broke your leg you wouldn’t be expected to do P.E right?

So why does someone with social anxiety have to do an oral presentation, and if we ask not to do people will say ‘It’s compulsory, get over it’?

Why does physical injury or disability allow you to get out of an entire subject, whilst I’m told to get over a chemical imbalance in my brain? Both make you unable to do the task and both physical and mental illnesses and disabilities should be treated the same.


Rum and cigarettes running through my veins,

Pumping all these wonderful chemicals into my brains,

Self-devouring stomach accented by black lungs,

Slurring so much the bastard pastor thinks I’m speaking tongues,

Don’t need sleep; I need to consume all of the drugs,

Taking in way more than any of these half-baked thugs,

Ask for a hit and expect to get a fuckin’ concussion,

Blunt trauma without the need for any sort of percussion.

TBH I’m extremely grateful for Mutuals and my friends who can understand what a mood swung or how the chemicals in my brain are messed up

I really wish I could tell neurotypicals that what really causes my swings instead of calling it a “dummy error” because I have very bad trust issues. I always make sure the Person isn’t mad before I go on and/stop