"But are You Happy?"

You’ve heard this before.
We all have - in every situation, in every circumstance, in every moment… “but are you happy?”

That is a very dangerous question, my friend.
Because sometimes we aren’t happy.
Sometimes life is hard.
Sometimes we get ignored.
Sometimes our situations suck.
Sometimes the chemicals in our brains betray us.
Sometimes things just don’t go our way.
Sometimes we just can’t find something to be happy about.

Sometimes, even when everything is going right, happiness just isn’t in our reach.

Because happiness relies on circumstances, chemicals, situations, people… happiness depends on things that should not be depended on.

“But are you joyful?” might fit the bill a little better.

Joy does not rely on circumstances. It does not rely on situations and people and the way things are going in our lives.
Joy does not require good happenings and luck that always prevails.
Joy only needs a spirit and a soul.

Happiness comes from the world, joy comes from the Lord.
Like faith, it is rooted deep in our fickle little hearts.

When everything is going wrong, happiness hides. Joy stays steadfast, reaching arms out for comfort and strength.
Because happiness requires us to depend on us - joyfulness requires us to depend on God.

Remain joyful in your endeavors, my friend. Things are hard and life is difficult and people are mean… but God is good and He gives you the strength you need.
Trust that He will provide you with what you need (and what you seek) and cling to that trust. Tuck your joy deep inside of you, and allow it to stay and take root.
Nurture it. Care for it. Never let it stop growing. Never let yourself lose sight of it.
Keep it with you.
You’ll need it in the hard times.

2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
James 1:2-3

Go forth, my friend. Keep that joy alive.

-31Women (Ansley)


Atrophy-Chemical Dependency

About Caitlin unleashing Killer Frost: Danielle has said she sees it as sort of an addiction. As Caitlin uses her powers again, the more she enjoys it and more difficult they get to revert. Still, there is a part of her that fears and wants to get rid of them. What you see on this episode, is somebody that is so desperate to fight this strong vice that ignores all rules in order to overcome it.
Considere Caitlin’s powers are like a drug. The first moments she uses it, it doesn’t affect her so much. She is still herself after using it and can spend days without it. However, she constantly finds herself in situations where it is just standing there and that desire starts to consume her. As the habit becomes more regular, its effects start to manifest on her. She starts to get angry, lose control and become violent. Seeing the damage it is making, she tries to get clean once for all. Unfortunately, she has already developed chemical dependency.
So, Caitlin has her moments of lucidity, where she recognizes she needs to stop. That it is changing who she is, that it is making her lose one of the few things she has left: her mind. However, now her sane moments don’t last long and she can only spend a few hours without feeling desperate. Still, she restricts herself and tries extreme methods to get rid of her powers. Caitlin decides to see another villain in order to do that, while she is still in abstinence. She is desperate, angry, sad, confused, broken, losing control of her mind and feeling pain as the urge to use it rises again. She does everything she can, but still stumbles and backslides multiple times.
It is realistic. Caitlin used her powers firstly to save Barry. After it, she tried to avoid them. Still, she’s found herself in situations where she had to use them and that unleashed her dark side. It is like taking a certain pleasing and powerful medicine while battling depression. You repeat the action in order to escape, until it becomes frequent and you find yourself depending on it. And as a result, that medicine releases all your demons and changes your personality.
Caitlin is inherently a good, giving and forgiving person, but she’s been deeply broken. So she gives in to her powers and that brings all that negativity she’s kept inside to life. Yet, she wants to fight it. She does everything she can in her own and messy way, but this is strong and new and she doesn’t know how to overcome it.
Danielle has said, and I see it this way too, that Caitlin doesn’t blame Barry for anything. She doesn’t, she’s never done it. She doesn’t blame him for Ronnie’s sacrifice, she doesn’t blame him for her powers. She’s never blamed Cisco for locking Ronnie inside the pipeline, because even if she had the right to be upset, she knew Ronnie’s death wasn’t Cisco’s fault. She even forgave Eowells when he admitted activating the particle accelerator despite the fact he knew it could explode, because Caitlin believed his intentions were good and he only did it because was blindly confident it would go well.
Once Barry came clean about Flashpoint and her not having powers on the original timeline, her first reactions were peaceful. Surely she is hurt and scared, but she knows Barry didn’t specifically or intentionally made her a metahuman. It was a consequence of him saving his two late parents who had died in traumatic and violent ways. Caitlin can relate to it, because if she could, she would contemplate the idea and probably end up going back in time and saving her dad as well. The problem is, even while she doesn’t blame him, she’s got her problems and her powers make her demons manifest and take them out on him.
It is a sad consequence, when both of them have made mistakes in order to stop their own pain and ended up getting hurt and hurting one another. You can’t totally defend or condemn either of them.
However, Caitlin’s powers are not the source of her problems. Depression is. Once she focuses on her mind and gets mentally healthy again, she may be able to use her powers rationally, just like how you must deal with drugs. Take them temporarily, when your sick and aching and your doctor prescribes it.
Explaining why Caitlin wasn’t trying to kill Barry: This is the stupidest thing I’ve seen some people saying. If you think so, you clearly weren’t paying attention to the episode. Yes, Caitlin is aggressive. Yes, she is frostbiting and throwing icicles at people. Still, there are time she hesitates. And more importantly, she hasn’t crossed the ultimate line. She doesn’t want to kill anybody. She wants them all of her way. Caitlin stops everyone who steps in, but she is still a doctor and she only does what’s necessary to keep people away for a while. Caitlin knows exactly what she is doing to Barry, that will stop him for four hours, but it isn’t going to kill him. It was literally when BARRY DARED HER TO DO SO AND BROUGHT THAT ICICLE CLOSER TO HIS HEART THAT SHE GOT LUCID AGAIN. So no, haters, she wasn’t going to kill him and when that opportunity became PAINFULLY REAL she just wasn’t able to do it and fell into Barry’s arms.
Even so, Caitlin still had to kiss him: Again, Barry was in the middle of her way. She had to stop him. He dropped her to the ground and since he is a speedester, he was in advantage. Stabbing him with icicles would be way too slow and with his fast reflexes, he would have not given her a chance. The quickest thing to do was skin-to-skin contact. Barry was almost fully clothed, so her only option was his face. A kiss would also come as a surprise and distract him for a moment. That’s why she did it.
Last but not least, no, haters, snowbarry shippers aren’t romanticizing that kiss (lol @ the hypocrisy of people that constantly fangirled over the fact Barry kidnapped Earth-2’s Iris’s husband and made the poor woman throw herself at a complete stranger without a clue and end up losing her father because Barry distracted himself from his actual mission). We know it was a calculated move. We are just enjoying the magnificence of finally seeing those three metahumans simultaneously in action. We are enjoying the amazing emotional weight of this episode. We are enjoying seeing classic and iconic moments being brought to life. No, it wasn’t a romantic kiss, but the whole sequence was incredibly appealing for a lot of people (including many people that don’t ship snowbarry) and it was entertaining to see Caitlin using everything she had upon her sleeve against the leading hero of the show.
In short: just keep the bullshit for yourself, the episode was generally praised by the audience, critics and clearly a favorite of the writers themselves, because they’ve given it to one of their favorite directors AND massively promoted it. They may have not been able to solve everything on it, but it was mostly well-writen.
And just stop spreading lies. If you weren’t paying attention and ignored important pieces, re-watch until you finally comprehend what indeed happened. Or just stop making noise and bothering people who aren’t from tags you traditionally use.

my favorite meme is people thinking actual depressed people with chemical dependencies and emotional emptiness are trying to come off as edgy and sadcore


A coffee cup goes cold left on the countertop.  A star falls off the edge of the horizon but does not return the next night.  Neuropathways deteriorate, husband becomes strange man in house, mechanic from down the street, robber, Robert again, husband again, stranger again.  Bodies are machines, bodies wear, bodies break.  Memories placed into fragile boxes.  This box is governed by strange and vaguely understood electrical signals dependent on chemical compounds organically produced.  

Robert takes a sip of stale coffee, Janet yells from the kitchen for all of these fucking thieves to leave.  She says her daughters are crying in front of her, begging her to eat.  

I take a sip of stale coffee and turn my ear away from that ugliness.  Robert, also known as the Whip, Boss Man, a proper place for everything type, master of machines, disciple of Labor, denier of God, loyal son of Capitol.  

My query; how do you become a good person?

Answer received; do not be born, elect to die as quickly as possible, do not have children

My respone; turn ear away from odd old man

“I’m addicted to coffee I get a headache and am grumpy and don’t talk to me till I have my cup of coffee I’m a coffee addict.”

So. Frustrating.

Come talk to me when you’re dropping over a hundred dollars on coffee,

Come talk to me when you’re terrified to be around your family when you’re on coffee.

Come talk to me when you run out of coffee and your demons come out to play.

Come talk to me when your friend tell you they won’t be around you if you keep drinking coffee.

Look, I get chemical dependence, I’m not stupid. I know you can be addicted to caffeine.

But honestly, you’re a pussy who has latched onto the term addict without fully knowing the pain that comes with that term.

Fucking a holes.

Listening to different bands

Panic! At The Disco: kinda makes me wanna cry but makes me want to act sly and coy at the same time

Fall Out Boy: head banging pretty hard rn

My Chemical Romance: depends from what I’m listening to sometimes I wanna cry , sometimes I wanna start a rebellion.

Paramore: line up all my exes and punch them in the face.

seakiumi  asked:

"Psychology fact: Kleptomania is a complex disorder characterized by repeated, failed attempts to stop stealing. It is often seen in patients who are chemically dependent or who have a coexisting mood, anxiety, or eating disorder. Other coexisting mental disorders may include major depression, panic attacks, social phobia , anorexia nervosa , bulimia nervosa , substance abuse, and obsessive-compulsive disorder"

“This coming from the sexually repressed, self righteous, upper class, pretty boy, marine doctor with daddy issues?  False diagnoses are against the Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct, Doctor.  Might I suggest you save your classifications for your self examination. ♡”  

positive pure interactions with other people you can relate to being the closest experience to the purity of childhood despite the fact that our brains are bad now and theyre not innocent just means were getting wiser and can do responsible things with understanding of a balance, thats worth more than one polar end of purity when you are old enough to comprehend it and accept it as being necessary and precious, putrefaction and murder exist to bring value to childhood innocence that everyone vaguely sapient values but thats a quality we cant embody anymore and thats okay we have memories. the physics of the world make too much sense, theres meaning in everything, all you have to do is focus and you can find it, the monks who can sit in -40 degree weather have that knowledge and confidence, they couldnt do that and override their mortal form and instincts if there wasnt more to life than emotions and instincts and chemical dependencies, thats what releasing childhood is, you can return to it anytime, gotta figure out how to find that balance gotta learn how to be small and neutral and angry, your confidence changes your reality, if life is meaningless than you can over power it through will power and transcend death, placebo is ascension

anonymous asked:

any good books fiction or nonfiction for someone who wants to be a chemical dependency counselor?

Mikhail Bulgakov’s novella Morphine chronicles, through a series of journal entries, the highs and low, low, lows of a doctor’s addiction to morphine.

Songs Only You Know is an excellent, dark memoir of addiction by the Detroit punk-rocker Sean Madigan Hoen.

An Anatomy of Addiction traces the careers of Sigmund Freud and William Halstead in and out of their experiences with cocaine, from their discovery of the “wonder drug” to their deaths.  

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace is one of the best novels about addiction we’ve read.

And The Alcoholic by Jonathan Ames is a deep look at the mindset of addiction.

Honestly, I have no problem with Brits drinking tea. I just have a problem with their tendency to see themselves as the sole authority on tea and policing and even mocking types of teas and practices that fall outside of their view of what “proper tea” should be (iced tea, sweet tea, bagged tea, herbal infusions, not adding milk/sugar, adding cream/honey, and even chai and green tea) while ignoring the history of colonialism, enforced chemical dependency, blackmail, and warfare associated with the tea trade, and the cultural significance of tea to Asian nations.

90 Days.

Today I am 90 days sober… But like for real sober this time. No weed and no benzos. Just me all the way!

I’m actually leading a meeting tonight though and I definitely don’t know what to say so I figured I’d hash out a rough outline on here. 

So one of the big promises of sticking with the AA program, among many others, is that, “That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear”.

So let me begin with where I was at before I went to treatment…

An average day for me this past semester involved waking up and spending a loooong day at Outback Steakhouse. First of all, I fucking hated that job. But my self-esteem and self-worth were suffering so much after quitting drinking but trying to maintain the same lifestyle that I didn’t have the confidence to believe that I could do anything different. In my eyes, I was lucky to have a job at all because who would want to hire ME? 

While at work, I typically spent a lot of time hiding behind a mask of heavy makeup hoping that my looks could get me by without having to share any personal information about myself with any of my coworkers. i didn’t want to share because at that time I had no idea who I was anymore. I had quit drinking and the only thing I knew to do to keep my head above water was to start starving myself and smoke as much weed as possible. 

It may seem pretty counterintuitive that starving yourself would make you feel more sane but to me, I had lost my identity entirely and reverting back to an old coping mechanism that gave me some kind of purpose felt safer than trying to figure out who I was without drinking. Smoking weed had never really been my thing either but what was I going to do with all my time if I was 100% sober?? Who would I be?? How would I feel comfortable at parties? How would I relate to my friends??

These questions were much too hard to ask myself and much, MUCH harder to think about trying to answer. 

So knowing all of this about myself and allowing these behaviors to completely dominate my existence I felt I had nothing that I could possibly share with anyone around me. So I quietly worked in the shadows of a dimly lit restaurant serving steaks (I’ve been a vegetarian for 12 years mind you) to customers that wore large guns on their belt and cared very little about much other than getting their perfectly cooked steak as fast as possible. 

Because of how little I was feeding myself combined with my prescription benzodiazepines and heavy smoking habits I found myself very much incapable of doing my job. Remembering menu items and side work responsibilities faded quickly into the brain fog that was in full force as my nervous system fought to function on scarce amounts of nutrition. I walked around the restaurant ready to burst into tears at any given moment as I thought about how absolutely incompetent I’d become. I angered customers as I’d return to their tables not even realizing I had just taken their order moments before. When speaking to coworkers in my free time I would accidentally repeat conversations I’d already had with them only days before.

I felt like a worthless human being. I was so lost in uselessness and self-pity that, by the time my shift ended, I’d find myself running to my car where I would proceed to sob in hysterics all the way home. 

What few hours I had left in the day I would spend as high as I could possibly tolerate without passing out watching Netflix reruns alone in my room with my cat. 

This existence continued for months on end until I finally made the decision to do the unthinkable and admit that I had a number of serious problems that would require a serious time commitment and plenty of professional help.

I am now 90 days sober and that sad excuse for a life feels far behind me. today I am capable of doing things that I never imagined possible and continue to surprise myself every single day. 

Attempting to stick with my recovery in a toxic environment while planning my return to Athens felt like an incredibly daunting ordeal my last few days in treatment but here I am happy as ever. 

For the past few days I’ve been performing community service work for a speeding ticket I received exactly 90 days ago. I was charging through bumble fuck Georgia as I realized that it was time for me to stop smoking weed. Lost in my distress a cop finally pulled me over to let me know that I’d been driving 31 miles over the speed limit. 

Now my experience with the law and my desperate desire to shove my head in the sand is really quite impressive. I was once almost carted off to jail because I refused to acknowledge a seatbelt ticket I’d been given and was charged with failure to appear after going for months without paying my $15 fine. 

So having the motivation to track down an organization that would be willing to provide 16 hours worth of work in a short amount of time felt pretty impressive to me. 

I ended up doing service for The Frazer Center, a non-profit providing learning and social opportunities to adults and children with or without mental disabilities, which turned out to be hours upon on hours of shredding sensitive documents. Unlike in the past, I approached this opportunity in a dynamic manner completing 10 full hours on the very first day I began work. I kept a positive attitude and even met a few friends in the adult program (despite the fact that one of them tried to steal my shoe off my foot…multiple times). At the end of the day I felt tired and burnt out but I also felt a great sense of pride as I reviewed my ability to stand alone in a room performing a mundane task with oh too much time to think about my life and myself as a person. But unlike in the past, I wasn’t afraid to spend that time alone because I am proud of the person I am becoming and I have very little that I feel disappointed in myself for. I’m not afraid to be still because for once I am not trying to outrun the truth of my reality. 

After completing my work, I even managed to get an introduction to the head of development at The Frazer Center. After about 20 minutes of chatting and explaining a bit about my major and my past experience with non-profits, I ended up talking him into providing me with an internship position of my own creation for the fall semester!

I don’t say this just to toot my own horn, I say this because it is truly profound what I have realized I am capable of now that I am no longer wallowing in a cloud of depression, marijuana and self-pity. 

I am a strong and capable young woman with many gifts to share with the world. 

Three months ago that sentence would have never entered my consciousness. Three months ago I was useless to the world because three months ago I barely had the energy to do anything besides get by and feed my addiction. Today, I am no longer a slave to the sick cycle that I found myself trapped within. Today, I have the coping skills, the confidence and the resources to remove myself from that cycle forever if I so choose. Today I am proud to be who I am and I am excited to share my skills with the world around me as I work towards a more fulfilling and more meaningful life. 

I currently am looking to reach out to the National Eating Disorder Association headquartered in Manhattan where I might be able to utilize my major in a way that could really make an impact on society.

Anyways… the first promise in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. 

After only three months in sobriety and with only a basic understanding of this program in its entirety, I am already seeing these promises manifest in my life. 

So…………I’m planning on saying something along those lines tonight and I hope that this will provide for some meaningful conversation! Wish me luck…

As previously stated, my mother made me start seeing a therapist who specializes in food therapy and chemical dependence. When she found out that I operate a blog dedicated to only one of the bananas that I eat a day, she immediately suggested that we make this a twice a week sort of thing. I didn’t mention that I also keep a tally of how many eggs I eat a month and feel like less of a woman if I eat fewer than thirty eight. 

Her first suggestion was that I stop filling my bathtub up with bananas (like an athlete does with ice) to relax after a long day of work. 

I already failed her.