chemical pregnancy

Thinking

I don’t know why i’ve been thinking about my chemical pregnancy so much lately. I guess it’s just ..i finally had a faint bfp, i finally felt like it was my chance…but i was also terrified. I told very few people, and made up excuses as to why i was so nauseous, and spent almost every minute thinking about the little bean that would be. I was about to make an official appointment, to get dr- verified. And then i started cramping and bleeding. It’s like almost as soon as i got excited, it was taken away. I don’t even know how far i was. My guess was just a few weeks, but those few weeks meant something. Maybe they shouldn’t and i’m just being over dramatic
I dunno

Sometimes

I catch myself thinking about you. What kind of cravings would you have given me? What silly thing would you have made me cry over? How many nights would you have kept me up with your little kicks and turns? When would you have made your grand entrance into this world? Morning or night? Would you make me suffer hours of labor, or would you come out ready to love, and live, and be the wonderful ,original ,you. Everytime i think of you, even before you were no longer a part of me, i pictured you a boy. You’d have been your dads first and only son. You’d have been the love of my life. My little prince. Would you have been a mama’s boy? It’s only when i get these sudden thoughts of you do the questions follow. Questions i can never answer. A you that i can never have. feelings i can’t quite explain. Do i grieve for you? Do i just go on with my life? Do i remember what little of you there was? Anywhere my mind takes me ,it never takes me to the place i’ll find my peace.

One week since heartbreak...

I really have learnt to roll with the punches. I’ve always been quite tough…emotionally resilient, but the past few weeks have tested me once again. The whole “I’m pregnant…oh hang on, not anymore” episode rocked me to my core…I thought I’d been sad before, but apparently sadness that comes after insane happiness is on another level.

That said, I’ve learnt to compartmentalise my life and that’s how I can move forward…I went to work on Friday and held the tears back…I went to see George Michael and the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday…and although I did cry during “you have been loved”, I was ok! I’ve continued to function and smile and laugh and exist. I have chosen not to give in to the sadness and the heartache and I know that’s the right decision. It’s not easy but it’s what I need to do.

Problem is, the rest of life is really giving it to me with both barrels…work is beyond shit, with two of my teams at risk (one is definitely going at the end of the financial year) and the other could go in the next year. I know that the whole world is a mess at the moment, but in my role I have to keep supporting people, listening to their problems and allowing them the room to offload. I just feel like my threshold is really near breaking point some days. I might just tell the wrong person to fuck off.

And to top it all off, my husband, who is always amazing has really been finding this loss very difficult. The thing is I can’t talk about it or ask him how he is without him getting defensive and snappy. I know we all mourn differently but I’m finding it really difficult. He’s the kind of person who shuts down when he’s struggling and although I understand this, when I’m feeling vulnerable it just makes me feel rejected. When I was pregnant, for those couple of weeks (even before the BFP) he treated me like a queen…he couldn’t do enough for me! When we got the clear blue “Pregnant 1-2” he literally rolled around the bed like a little kid who had been surprised with a trip to Disneyland! It’s different now - he is still loving in a quiet way, but he doesn’t look at me the way he did…and I know it’s not me…I know he’s lost this pregnancy too and I know that looking at me must remind him of that. Even with that knowledge, it hurts. We are going away for the weekend…a night in London…I just hope it cheers DH up…i can cope with my pain, but I really can’t see his pain…it kills me.

But despite the pain and the stress, there is still a peace inside me…I just need to keep a hold of that! The world definitely looks different after this experience though…I’ll never go past a Frankie and Benny’s without thinking about our first pregnancy…and bizarrely “Moves like Jagger” just makes me feel a little sad now…it was the first song I heard when I went in for my EC and the first song I heard after the embabes were put back on board. It’s the little (and ridiculous) things that remind me that although I only reached 5 and a half weeks, I actually did get pregnant…it really is bittersweet.

Love Letter to My Chemical Pregnancy

Preface: I would have never thought I was “the type” of woman who would write a post like this… but, here I am. If anyone is reading this who is not going through infertility, I swear, I am a perfectly sane person.

Dear tater-tot,

Your dad and I love you so so much, and we are so thankful you are here with us today. We have hoped and worked for this moment for so long, and we are glad to have you, if only for a few days.

I pray that you are healthy and strong, and that you are working as hard to survive as we worked to create you. And, if you are not healthy and strong, I pray that we are strong enough to let you go.

I know it might seem entirely too hopeful and naive to be embracing what is surely not a viable pregnancy, but you are our first, and we want to celebrate you. I’ve never been able to say “I’m pregnant” before. We’ve never had that second line on a stick that means that there’s another little something inside of me. I’ve never felt a cramp and actually had it be an embryo implanting. I love knowing that all of these things mean you are with us. If only for a moment.

I want to thank you for giving us hope. Even if we never meet you, we have so much more hope now, that someday we will meet our own child. It has been such a hard, long road. There were many times where we nearly gave up, and despaired that this would never work. Knowing that you are here today will help us keep going. Thank you.

I am going to try my hardest to enjoy every minute that you are with us. To celebrate you. To acknowledge how blessed we are. We will never, ever forget you.

Love,

Me

No Place Like Home (Dean Ambrose AU)

PART 3 OF: Home for Now (pt.1)  & Home For Awhile (pt.2)

requested: by everyone and their mothers.
plot: continuation of ‘Home for Now’ & ‘Home For Awhile’ 
content warning: yes! trigger warning!!! 
word count: 1.5K
note: did you miss me? ;) probs not, but okay, I’m going to tag as many people as I can who requested a third installment of this fic and maybe some other people. also it is crap, what a let down i am so sorry.

@imaginingwwesuperstars, @ofheadbandsandhugs, @romansection, @alaniskama0, @heilisk, @angapa96, @smutwwe, @immissingmyflightandyou, @helluvawriter, @ilovesamizaynn, @newhorrorstyle (sorry if you don’t want to be tagged in this. it’s been years i know and your probably don’t remember the series. but i tagged people who asked for a part three or showed interest in the first two parts. forgive me wow. im soz!) 

-

You stared up at your ceiling as you laid still in your bed, completely unmoving, just like you had been doing for the past two weeks.  Your mom had been over a few times everyday, trying to perk your spirits up but you could tell that it had impacted her as well. You could see it when she talked to you, how sometimes it made her sad just to look at you. You thought back to the day it happened.

Keep reading

It ended before it began...

It’s so very hard to articulate how I’m feeling today…deep sadness of course but muddled with so many other feelings.

My “pregnancy” was very short lived…my guess is it probably came to an “end” on Monday or Tuesday at 5weeks. I only just starting spotting and to add insult to injury, the 3 ibuprofen tablets are not dulling the stabbing AF pains in my back and abdomen.

I feel so confused about this loss…to me the term “bio-chemical” that precedes the word pregnancy doesn’t make this feel any less of a loss. In the blissful days following the BFP I was so unsure of how to feel about the pregnancy…in part because it was so hard to believe, but also because after years of infertility I didn’t know how to feel pregnant…like I was a bit of an imposter! Now that I’ve lost my pregnancy, I don’t feel like I can legitimately mourn this as a miscarriage since it wasn’t “clinical”! Clearly I’m over thinking this, but honestly, feeling it is far too difficult right now. I feel so cheated…I actually believed for a moment.

I’m also pissed off at the system in this country…why not do betas? Why leave us tortured waiting a week between tests to see if the pregnancy sticks! It’s just totally shit!!!

In the few days that I allowed myself to look forward I found out the due date (June 25th), I fantasised about maternity leave…I sneaked looks at baby things, making a mental note for 4 months time! Against my instinct, I downloaded pregnancy apps (which I have since promptly deleted)…I saw the look in DH’s eyes and now I know…I know how amazing it feels…I know how ecstatic DH and my family would be…I know! Fuck. That’s all I’ve been able to say, over and over. Fuck.

I can’t un-know all this stuff. I can’t forget. There is no delete button.

I just don’t know why IF keeps destroying any zen I build. I was healing and once again I have a new fresh scar that honestly feels worse than any other so far. I know so many people in IF community who have suffered far far worse and I honestly am humbled by how incredibly brave they are.

I don’t know what we do next. It’s too early to think about it. I know I’m not ready to stop trying, I’m just scared that if we try too long we destroy the chance of other options.

To top it all off…work is shit. Seriously and totally shit. Got bad news today about contracts I manage. Apparently the Universe gave me a little and then shed a ton of shit on me as a punishment for bring happy for a moment! I feel like such a mug for allowing myself to believe.

Well it seems I had a chemical pregnancy. For those that don’t know what or why it’s called that: “The reason it is termed a chemical pregnancy is that it is only the missed period and positive pregnancy test that show that you are pregnant. It would be too early to see anything on an ultrasound scan.” So the egg is fertilized but it fails to survive, it happens during the fifth week. Which is what happened to me.

I’m honestly ok, today I was a little sad. It comes and goes. But I’m also a little relieved too. I think some of that is the fact we would be starting all over again.

I found out yesterday. I had had cramping and spotting a little before we left on our trip and then the day we landed in Arizona, I had my period. So I thought I’d wait until after our trip to take a test again. Anyway, I guess I’ll be running that half marathon in October.

One thing I have learned throughout this time is how fragile life really is. It really does seem like a miracle that any of us exist. So many things can go wrong before a woman conceives, during, or after. Chemical pregnancies, ectopic and molar pregnancies. Miscarriages, stillbirth, legit so many other things that can go wrong. It’s a blessing to come into this world healthy. And stay that way.
I was fortunate to have two ultrasounds early on thanks to a proactive family doctor, I saw this lil guy go from so small he couldn’t be seen - only a yolk sac and gestational sac. The next week, the size of a blueberry. At 13, still quite small but with distinguishing features. Then at 18 and 19, moving and taking on a personality of his own. Now, reached his viability milestone, with just 15 weeks until he’s expected to enter the world, inshaaAllah.
The entire process itself is really something though, I’m amazed a human body is capable of creating another human from almost nothing. If any sex were ever superior to another, it would certainly be women.

anonymous asked:

That's the problem though Rousseau- the pain ISNT the same. The pain of a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage at 6 weeks is NOT "the same" as losing a full term baby or losing a child after birth. To say it's the same is to be an idiot and show your ass.

To measure one’s pain against another is pointless and pulls away from the fact we’re both suffering beyond description. Does that mean there isn’t a difference in how our pain comes about? No.

But my beating heart has been cut out just the same as yours when I lost my wanted child just as yours was. My first thought every morning after the initial blanket amnesia is still of that empty cradle, just as yours is. My soul aches at a successful pregnancy despite my sincere happiness, because I know I’m no less deserving and was so close. Just as you may feel. Part of me died with my child, just as you may believe.

Our pain as women is the same, anon. You don’t have to let your vitriolic bias for me get in the way of that. You wouldn’t be talking like that if it wasn’t me 😑

anonymous asked:

A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY WAS NEVER A BABY IT WOULD NEVER HAVE TURNED INTO A BABY SHE DID NOT LOSE A BABY SHE IS NOT AN ANGEL MOM

Can you say that just a bit louder? I don’t think they heard you in Morocco.

anonymous asked:

What do you guys think of mombiesattack talking down on towards-tomorrow on her chemical pregnancy?

I definitely wouldn’t compare a mc or stillborn to a chemical pregnancy but she deserves to mourn in her own way and no one should be able to take that from her.

Peach

Hope for those TTC.

I am a part of a baby forum online (BabyandBump, go join if you haven’t, it’s wonderful). And just in my little group of ladies I chat with, I have seen SO MANY miracles!!!!

One woman got a BFN at 13dpo (everyone thinks they’re out with a BFN at 13dpo). She went on to get her BFP at 17dpo!

Another woman had been trying for 9+ months. Her husband got an SA done and had 0% morphology. He went on a vitamin regime for a month and it brought his morphology up to 1%. They were told that their chances of conceiving naturally were EXTREMELY small. They were getting ready to do their first round of IUI when they got their natural BFP!

Another went through 6 rounds of clomid. One ended in a chemical pregnancy, the rest- nada. Usually at that point doctors recommend IUI or IVF. She decided to give femara (a fertility drug like clomid) a try, and got her BFP the first cycle on it!!!

And another got her BFP, and was bleeding. CRAZY HEAVILY. She was told ‘miscarriage is imminent.’ Those exact words from her doctor. Her hcg wasn’t doubling properly like it should, and the baby was measuring behind on all ultrasounds. She is now over 20 weeks pregnant with her baby girl and they are both doing great!

DO NOT LOSE HOPE LADIES. Your BFPs are right around the corner <3