cheesy horror movie

The Signs in a cheesy horror movie
  • Aries: leader of the group/the one that lives the longest
  • Taurus: the fucking dumb one that says "hey guys, how 'bout we split up?"
  • Gemini: the one that tries to set up traps for the killer but ends up killing sagittarius
  • Cancer: the fucking loud one that gets everyone killed
  • Leo: the one that tries to make peace w/ the killer but fails miserably
  • Virgo: the one that figures out the murderer right before they get murdered
  • Libra: the first to die
  • Scorpio: the one that was the best friend of libra so after they died they just spent the entire time crying
  • Sagittarius: was killed by geminis trap
  • Capricorn: is the killer
  • Aquarius: blames everyone in the group including themselves to be the killer
  • Pisces: the one that never gets murdered but just sorta disappears in the middle of the movie

things I can’t ignore:

  • nothing about tfp suggests it should be taken seriously on a surface level, from all the deliberate plot holes and cheesy horror movie references to the fact that it leaked twice without any substantive action taken by tptb
  • promo for this season heavily referenced clue, which already set a precedent for there being a fake ending
  • as soon as tfp spoilers leaked people were convinced it was Fake and that there had to be some kind of alternative episode
  • tfp actually airing doesn’t negate the clue references or how the episode went out of its way to be deliberately bad
  • steven moffat brought up the fourth episode rumour before tfp even aired while referencing acd’s ‘the lost special’
  • there was a promo picture of mycroft holding up four fingers with the caption ‘back 4 (more)’
  • a fourth episode being released on the 29th (however that may be) makes a lot of sense within the narrative

u know when ur just chilling and u slowly feel anxiety wrap its fingers round ur brain like that slow shot of a claw round a doorframe in cheesy horror movies

Convalescence Pt.3

“Hello?” Owen called, cautiously opening the front door. With a medical kit slung over his shoulder, he was met with a silent house in response.  The TV and lights were off and most of the house looked like it had been untouched for days, excluding the glass of water that was on the kitchen table. He prayed that it wasn’t the same glass from this morning as he ventured deeper into the eerily quiet house.

“Amelia?” he said as he walked upstairs. Still, no response. One by one, he checked every room, the bathroom, the two bedrooms and finally, their master bedroom. He held his breath as he opened the door, preparing for the worst. Instead, he found a neatly made bed, untouched like the rest of the house. Then he looked at the bathroom door, noticing that it was half open. His heart raced as he approached the bathroom; it was like he was in one of those painfully cheesy horror movies.

Please be in here, he begged, pushing the door all the way open. Thankfully, this time she was there, although on the floor. She had her back against the wall, next to the shower and her head was hanging forward, making him immediately think that she was dead.

Quickly kneeling down onto the floor, Owen dropped the kit and placed two fingers on her neck.

“What are you doing?” Amelia whispered hoarsely, raising her head and making him flinch in the process.

“I thought something happened to you.”

“Unfortunately, nothing interesting has happened to me,” she replied, using her hands to sit up more.

“You’re on the floor. Something clearly happened,” he stated. He could see streaks of dried tears running down her cheeks.

“I fell, it’s nothing,” she dismissed.

Owen pondered on her answer for a bit before remembering how the house had been when he came. Normally, he’d find a cover strung across the couch, multiple empty cups all over, even a few kitchen cabinets open. “Well then, why didn’t you get up?”

Amelia averted her eyes, murmuring lowly, “Because I can’t get up.”

His eyes softened at her vulnerability. “What happened?”

Gesturing to the toilet, she said, “I needed to pee…Took off the cast and made it to the bathroom before something weird happened and I fell.” She looked up at the ceiling, fighting hard against tears that threatened to fall. “I thought that I could at least pee by myself. Apparently not.”

“Something weird?” he repeated, hoping for clarification.

“I’ve been having pins and needles all weekend,” she disclosed, knowing that she should’ve told him about it the moment it started, “I fired the nurse, which I know you begged me not to do.”

“I made you promise not to,” he corrected sternly.

Amelia narrowed her eyes at him. “She took all the medication with her, which was smart, but now I have been painfully sober for over 24 hours and everything hurts. Then, this morning, the numbness got worse and…”

“You can’t feel your legs, can you?”

Amelia looked down at him, fear evident in her eyes. “I can feel them. I just can’t move them.” She watched as he palpated her right foot before doing the same on her left.

“You might’ve displaced one of the bones in your instep,” he announced after a couple minutes. “Based on the fact that you peed yourself, I think it’s safe to assume that…”

“Incomplete lumbar vertebrae paralysis,” she finished, eyeing the syringes he retrieved from his kit and neatly placed on the floor next to him, “I didn’t lose my 10+ years of education in the accident, you know.”

He moved to tower over her so that he could assess the incision on her spine.  “Well, maybe if you hadn’t fired the nurse,” he bitterly announced as he lifted her shirt, “you would’ve been happily pain, inflammation and paralysis free.” The incision site from her spinal surgery was red and mildly oozing. He pressed a hand to her forehead and could tell that she was suffering from a very high fever.

Returning to his former position, he said, “Because you chose to fire the nurse and not take your meds, your spinal incision is infected, which explains the fever.”

“I don’t have a…”

“You do.” He instantly cut her off, no longer wanting to be patient and caring with her. “You’re also dehydrated; your pee is yellow.” He grabbed a syringe that contained an anti-inflammatory injection and kneeled over her again.

“You’re not poking me with that,” she exclaimed, “Not after what you said last night.”

“Can we not do that right now?” he begged, “I just want to help you.” Amelia glared at him as he lowered her pants as far as it could go and stuck his hand in, squeezing on her rear. She felt a pinch a couple seconds after and he repeated the action once more, the second syringe holding pain medication in it.

“Now we go to the hospital,” he announced. He saved the news for last because he knew it was something she wouldn’t adhere to.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she replied, “Especially not to work.”

“You are paralysed and you might have an infection,” he reminded her, “Do you really think that it’ll go away on its own and you’ll just start walking again?” He watched as she weighed her options in her mind.

“Fine, I’ll go to the hospital,” she surrendered, “But I’m not sitting in the passenger seat.”

Owen sighed. “Deal.”

“It’s not looking good at all,” Callie sighed, flipping Derek’s arm over and putting pressure on his incision. Just a couple of minutes ago, they’d tried some exercises that were supposed to help him recover, but his underperformance of those exercises led her to take some tests.

“So I’m gonna lose the nerve,” Derek finished, a grim smirk already making its way on his face.

“I’m sorry, Derek,” she sincerely apologised, resting his arm on his lap, “It doesn’t look like the graft is surviving the accident. We might have to replace it.”

Derek looked over at Meredith, who was standing faithfully beside him. “Maybe I can call Nancy or Kate?”

Meredith’s eyebrows furrowed as she frowned. “What about Amelia?”

“She is not going to give her nerve to me,” he said, a sad look in his eyes, “Not after what I did.”

“You didn’t do anything, Derek.”

Callie looked between the couple. “Maybe if you mention it nicely?”

Just then, Amelia and Owen entered the exam room, with her in a wheelchair. Instantly, the two Shepherd’s eyes met, looking for emotions and thoughts in one another.

“Amy…” Derek called.

Amelia broke eye contact with him to look up at Owen. “Take me outside, please.”

Owen looked between the two siblings before looking at Derek with an apologetic face. “We’ll wait outside.”

“Is this some kind of intervention?” Amelia accused as he wheeled her to the waiting area.

“I didn’t know he’d be there, I swear,” Owen promised. She looked up at him, not believing a word he said.

“Whatever,” she dismissed, folding her arms across her chest.

Sighing, Owen turned her chair around and stooped down to her level. “What happened was not his fault, Amelia. You can’t stay mad at him for this.”

“You station your truck in the middle of a highway and get hit by a sports car and try to blame it on the other driver,” she retorted.

“You are the most arrogant person I have ever met,” he scoffed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Didn’t think I could be more arrogant than Cristina,” she snidely replied, making his eyes open wide in shock. Silently, he stood up and walked away. A deep guilt flooded her as she soaked in the words that had left her mouth.

When Derek came out of the exam room, he was surprised to see Amelia sitting there by herself.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked as he sat next to her, hoping his attempt at instigating conversation wouldn’t go to waste.

Deciding that Owen might possibly be right about her being an arrogant bitch, Amelia made an effort to speak with him. “I can’t move my legs.” She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I need a new nerve if I ever want to use my hand or operate again,” he announced, as if speaking about the weather.

“Owen put pain medication in my butt,” she said, trying to top his ‘worst’, “It wasn’t sexy at all.”

“I can’t sleep on my left side without coughing like a chain-smoker,” he countered, “Meredith has to put pillows so I don’t roll over on that side. It also means no snuggling and definitely no sex.”

Amelia rolled her eyes, trying her best to contain a smile. “I think Dillard botched the incision wound on my spine. Owen said it was red and oozing and that I have a fever.”

“I called Nancy just now and asked her about the surgery and she said no,” Derek said, “Just a blank no. Not a question about why I needed her nerve or anything.” He heard a soft chuckle next to him; music to his ears.

“I peed myself and sat in it for hours before Owen came and found me,” she shyly admitted. Derek laughed out loud this time. It was warm and boisterous, something that warmed her up on the inside.

Amelia pushed his shoulder as best as she could. “Shut up.”

“That is disgusting and pitiful, Amy,” he giggled, still recovering from the funny situation, “You win.”

She rolled her eyes, this time smiling.

Netflix recently added “Mad Ron’s Prevues from Hell,” a 83 minute amateur movie that was made in 1987 and sold as an unrated tape, which consists entirely of really over-the-top cheesy/gory/violent grindhouse horror movie trailers from the 1960-80’s hosted by a guy doing a corny ventriloquist act with a zombie puppet. It’s really dated and it has that soft buzz of movies played on VHS.

Paste Magazine commented: “The whole thing feels like something Netflix added completely by accident, and I sit here desperately hoping they don’t realize their mistake.” I 100% agree, because this is genuinely strange in exactly the perfect way, I love it so much

Domesticating the Devil

No one said dating the devil would be easy…

(These are just going to be a series of drabbles based on every day life with Lucifer as your boyfriend.)

Lucifer x Reader

Words: 608

Warnings: Nothing really…

Summary: There’s no such thing as a quiet, normal evening with Lucifer.

1 – Raspberry Jam

It had been a relatively normal and uneventful evening as you and your boyfriend, Lucifer, sat on the couch watching some cheesy horror movie that was on the television. You hadn’t had much time together lately and you had insisted on having a night where you did nothing but sit together on the couch, order some pizza and watch terrible movies. Lucifer didn’t understand the point of watching movies you found terrible, but agreed and put everything else aside to give you a full evening of his attentions. He neglected watching the movie, favoring to watch you instead, but you enjoyed the way he studied you and let it slide.

The evening had gone so smoothly that when the doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of the pizza, you gave Lucifer the cash and asked him to get it while you went to fetch the plates. From the kitchen you could hear him greet the pizza guy, the two of them talking and you smiled to yourself. The pizza guy would probably wet his pants if he knew to whom he was speaking. A sudden sickly squish noise from the hall made you freeze, plate and napkins in hand. The eerie silence followed the noise made you put everything down to investigate with an overwhelming sense of dread.

Turning the corner your eyes went wide and shock blanketed your features.

“Lucifer, in the name of your father, please tell me that this is somehow raspberry jam splattered in my hallway…” you say slowly, eyes taking in the explosive mess.

What looked like a Rorschach test gone wrong painted the walls and floor of your hallway, with even some residual spray landing on the ceiling. The mess decorated nearly 10 feet around Lucifer, who stood looking utterly impassive, if only a little irritated.

“He was a rude, pathetic excuse of a cockroach…” he said calmly. Through his tone you could hear a little of the defensiveness that seeped into his voice when he did something you didn’t approve of, almost like a vulnerability.

“That’s pretty much what pizza guys are. They are abrupt and rude, they just want their tip so they can leave to make the rest of their deliveries” you whine, pinching the bridge of your nose with your fingers. If you weren’t a hunter the scene before you might have been enough to make you faint.

“I didn’t like his tone… and he made a vulgar comment about you” Lucifer pressed.

“You can’t just… explode people because you don’t like the way they talk!” you say with no small amount of exasperation.

“You don’t want me to defend your honor?” he puzzled, tilting his head slightly.

“Not like this I don’t! Who is going to clean this up? How are we going to explain this?! You exploded someone!” you rage. While occasionally you wished ill of delivery boys, you never wanted anything like this.

Lucifer snapped his fingers and the mess was gone, no trace of the incident was left behind save for the pizza mans car sitting on the street. You racked for brain for a few moments, trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. Finally you gave up and pointed a finger at the car on the street for Lucifer to dispose of. He smiled and raised his hand, ready to snap his fingers.

“Wait!” you call out suddenly.

Lucifer turned to look at you expectantly as if you had changed your mind.

“Can you see if there’s anymore pizza in the car first?”

Tagging: @suzyqueqoh, @crowleyshellkitten, @lucifersfavoritepet, @aprofoundbondwithdean, @tssweetsfanfic, @crowleysplaythings, @white-witch-diana, @tattooedsamoose, @cookingglitterfairy

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Michael After Midnight: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE

What do you get when you cross Stephen King with cocaine, AC/DC, and Hot Wheels? You get MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, the most fucking awesome B-movie of the 1980s and a highlight of King’s career that he is incredibly ashamed of. Sure, it’s trashy, cheesy, and absurd, but it’s a damn fun time! Why does he hate this movie so?

This is based on one of King’s own short stories, so the man himself decided to take the director’s seat and deliver his vision to the world… and yes, he was indeed high on coke by his own admission, and, to be honest, it kinda shows considering how ridiculous this film gets. But the ridiculous nature of MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE is what makes it so silly and charming. You would have to be one of the most hardcore snobs ever to be able to resist the dumb, fun charms of MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, what with its rocket launchers, killer trucks, and hilariously awkward title drop.

And now for the plot summary of MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE: A meteor or some shit (it’s later revealed to be aliens or some shit at the epilogue) is making all of Earth’s tech come to life, from ATMs and soda machines to lawnmowers and, yes, trucks. A group of people get trapped inside a diner that’s surrounded by trucks, including one with a Green Goblin head on it. Can they defeat the 18-wheeled menaces that lurk outside, or will they end up roadkill?

This movie is ridiculous, which is precisely what makes it so awesome. Imagine Christine amped up to 11 and way cheesier and this is about what you’d get. It really feels like a classic B-grade horror/sci-fi film from the days of old, just a silly premise with enough action to keep you entertained between ridiculous dialogue and the utter absurdity of killer trucks.

There’s at least one thing in this movie everyone can agree is fucking awesome on purpose: the AC/DC soundtrack. AC/DC makes everything better, so it’s no surprise they help make this movie kick al kinds of ass. “Who Made Who” and “Hell’s Bells” and so much hard rock is sure to get you amped up while you watch the mechanical carnage before you unfold.

Of course, there are downsides, the biggest one being the presence of Yeardley Smith, who you likely know much better as the voice of Lisa Simpson. Much as she’s the most obnoxious character on The Simpsons, she’s the most obnoxious character in this movie, and you WILL wish a truck would run her over by film’s end. She apparently considers this film an old shame, but considering she voice acts an obnoxious political soapbox character who makes Brian Griffin look tame it’s pretty easy to just take her opinion and put it in the trash where it belongs.

It’s harder to do that with King’s opinion, but hey, everyone is wrong sometimes, and artists are always hardest on their own work. This movie ain’t perfect by a long shot; it’s ridiculous, it has corny acting, it has quite a few special effects failures… but like any good B-movie, that stuff just makes it all the more endearing. It helps the premise of the film is somewhat unique; there aren’t too many “technology comes alive and tries to kill humanity” movies that just involve regular appliances and machines. If you go into this movie with the right mindset, you’re gonna have a good time. If you’re some snob who requires every film to be some deep meditation on the human existence, you’re going to be pretty disappointed. It’s just a fun, dumb action/sci-fi/horror film, with explosions, trucks, and big rigs over-the-road racing across hapless humans. You gotta give the film props for having a scene where a soda machine kills a dude followed by a kid getting his head smushed by a steamroller. MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE is a badass and trashy cult classic that isn’t so bad it’s good; it’s SO FUCKING DUMB IT’S EPIC.

Oh, and one more thing:


Pretty Boy

Originally posted by yuu-jin

“I can’t believe they’re asking you to cut your hair. It’s so beautiful and long and I love it.”

Jeonghan laughed as you ran your fingers through his hair and pouted. Seventeen’s comeback was near and the stylists had decided to go with something different this time around. He was looking forward to it but he knew you would have some reservations.

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan grinned as he glanced up at you. “It’s just hair, though. It’ll grow back.”

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Haikyuu!! Hcs: Horror Movies

I’m bored and have been discussing horror movies with the Skype chat (aka the collective in my mind) so have my headcanons about how the Haikyuu!! boys watch horror movies


  • neither Kageyama nor Hinata can stand horror movies, they can’t even make it through Fantasia without screaming. Very loud, and clingy to whoever happens to be the closest to them (which is usually each other)
  • Suga loves horror movies, especially the psychological thrillers. Rip Daichi and Asahi, because both of them hate horror movies of any kind. Suga isn’t allowed to choose the movie when they have movie nights
  • Noya loves them, especially the cheesy B horror movies. Ennoshita likes the particularly good ones for the cinematic value. Every other second year hates them and refuses to go near them
  • Tsukishima can’t stand horror of any kind. The idiot duo must never know; he made fun of them once for screaming during a horror movie. He had his face buried in his phone with the volume turned up the entire time and claimed it was because the movie was boring (lies)
  • Yamaguchi doesn’t like gore, but he can take thrillers just fine. He usually chooses a different genre, though, because he likes watching movies with Tsukki and the rest of the team. 


  • Kenma gives absolutely zero fucks about horror movies. They don’t bother him but he also doesn’t actively seek out watching them. 
  • Kuroo is okay if he can science the shit out of the movie. If not, he’s in literal tears. 
  • Kai doesn’t particularly care about horror movie either, so he sits next to Kenma with Kuroo. At least Kuroo cries quietly
  • Every single first year is scared stiff of horror movies except, surprisingly, Lev. As long as there isn’t a jumpscare, Lev is fine (all the built in tension goes right over his head).
  • This pisses Yaku off because Yaku cannot even be in the same room as a horror movie without being in somebody’s lap (usually Lev’s)
  • Fukunaga has no strong opinions, but enjoys watching his usually composed third years fall to pieces


  • Everyone on this team can handle horror movies, with varying degrees of enjoyment (Akaashi and Konoha are the only ones that actively enjoy horror movies, however)
  • Everyone, that is, except for Bokuto. Bokuto is not allowed anywhere near a horror movie. He still has nightmares from ET
  • Kenma and Akaashi sometimes have horror movie dates when they need a break from their boyfriends


  • The meme team loves the crappiest C movies they can find. They actively try to find worse and worse horror movies to watch (Birdemic 2 is currently winning but they’re going to watch Rubber next week)
  • Iwaizumi sort of gets into the better ones. They don’t scare him but the shitty effects on the bad ones annoy him
  • Conversely, Oikawa is fine with the shitty ones, but don’t let him watch a good one. He will not sleep. Iwaizumi has to sleep over and let Oikawa sit in his lap every time Oikawa wants to watch Alien. 
  • Kunimi deadpans through even the most horrifying of movies, and so does Yahaba. Watari, Kindaichi, and Kyoutani had to skip that movie night. Yahaba and Kunimi bonded over the scariest films known to mankind


  • Ushijima likes the better ones. They don’t particularly scare him and he actually enjoys them. 
  • Tendou is weak around horror movies. Absolutely weak. Please see this for a better description of just how weak Tendou is around horror movies. 
  • They try to compromise and watch horror anime to appease Tendou. Little did they know they picked the ONE HORROR MOVIE THAT SCARES EVEN USHIJIMA (it was corpse party)
  • Goshiki, pure swan, is just as useless in horror movies as Tendou. Someone save the future ace
  • Shirabu is unnerved by horror movies, especially thrillers, but no one can ever know. Especially Semi
  • Semi isn’t bothered by them but they’re not his favorites either. He likes watching Shirabu squirm though. He knows. 
  • Yamagata and Reon have no strong opinions, but they do try to protect Tendou and Goshiki from horror movies. Unless Tendou has pulled a particularly good prank on them lately. Then he’s on his own. 

Bonus: Managers

  • Kiyoko and Yachi are both unbothered by horror movies, and Yachi actually likes them. The idiot duo adore and respect her for this.
  • Yukie hides from the horror movies with Bokuto. Kaori can deal though

get to know me meme : [1/5] favorite actors » jared padalecki

“Ultimately, when you get to work, whether you’re shooting a horror movie or an action or a thriller or a comedy or a romance or a western, I think you have to get there, and then just make it real for your character. It’s kind of a blessing and a curse to the actor. Luckily for the actor, we get to just worry about our performance. But unluckily for the actor, you can’t really let the genre get in your head, because if you start playing that you’re in a horror movie, then it becomes a cheesy horror movie…. The audience is going to laugh and get out of there. You just have to make it real.”

owlgebra  asked:

Can you give any recommendations on cheesy paranormal horror movies? :D

Well I’m glad you asked! :D 

The Ouija Experiment

Judging by how Ouija Experiment 2 turned out, I’m going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that one will be a good cheesy one. I have yet to seen that one though, so I can’t say for sure~

Paranormal Asylum

The cover says “One of the few paranormal films that actually gets it right.” but that is a blatant lie. In this film we are blessed with bad acting, bad cgi effects, and I don’t even remember the story. I think it’d be worth a watch!

Grave Encounters

I would also like to recommend Grave Encounters. It starts out being cheesy, and actually gets really good halfway through. Maybe I just got really invested in what was going on when I saw it, I just remember I ended up having a really good time with this movie. Plus this movie has a sequel that is just as good as, if not better than the first movie. And we all know how rare that is! 

inbatcountry17  asked:


Contact Name: Mr. Weir-do (just kidding he’s nice)

Contact Picture: Picture of the MarSec Bar Weir gave to her

Ringtone: “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson

Other Notes:
* List of meal rotation suggestions and galley inspection standards
* recommended cheesy horror movies to watch
* REMEMBER: “The Lobsters are tough but easily stunned” 

Sample Texts:  
<<Hi Mr. Weir! I hope everything’s going well with you. We’ve just upgraded our systems and have a hydroponic garden in the works!>>

<<I’m n0t drunk… but if i waaaaas I would ask u how old is the Spoooksman? SoooOoo……… How old is he?>>


The Bestiary: Vampire Squid

It came from the depths of the ocean! Millions of years on the bottom of the sea have transformed the small squid into a rampaging monstrosity ready to destroy America! Guaranteed terror! SQUID ATTACK! Watch at the nearest cinema!

Today’s Episode: The Vampire Squid

No, don’t be afraid, they don’t actually drink blood… as far as we know.

We already talked about the fact that the bottom of the ocean houses some of the most bizarre, outworldly and terrifying monstrosities on this earth. If this goes even for the creatures considered to be less threatening, such as isopods, what do the epitomes of nautical awesome and inspiration of oh so many cheesy 60s horror movies, cephalopods get warped into down there?

The answer, naturally, is that they get warped into this.

This is the Vampyrotheutis infernalis. That name literally translates to Vampire Squid from Hell. You remember the part where science is hard cold fact and doesn’t let itself be affected by emotions? Well, you can throw that out to the dumpster, because this unholy bastard child of Cthulhu and Béla Lugosi freaked biologists out so hard that they decided to name it Vampire Squid from Hell.

Actually, the name “squid” is largely a formality - this thing is neither an octopus, nor a squid. It’s so strange and unplaceable in cephalopodic taxonomy that, after years of frantically searching up and down the cephalopod family tree, they managed to dig up an order of long-extinct Krakenesque monstrosities known as Vampyromorphida and place it there.

This is the Leptotheutis gigas, one of its alleged cousins. I don’t know about you guys, but as far as I know, animals are usually named “gigas” for a reason.

Aaaaand crash and burn. Considering that the vampire squid is only 30 centimeters long, this thing can be considered downright colossal.

Now, consider that all these creepy betentacled fucks died out, and the sole survivor of the entire nightmarish order is a relatively small “squid”.

Common sense dictates that all the omnicidal, dripping, primordial evil of the Vampyromorphida is likewise present in vampire squid, only in higher density, because they’re smaller.

The squid itself lives a fairly slow-paced life, either because fast movement is power-costly and it’s hard to regenerate energy down there, or because it secretly plots the downfall of human civilization. I subscribe to the latter theory.

Notably, it lives in a depth of approximately 800 fucking meters, giving all the better-known hardass deep-sea monsters such as the anglerfish or the pelican eel a run for their money. To put this in context: oxygen is so rare down there that the water is theoretically unfit to support areobic life. In simpler terms, the water is so oxygen-poor that the only things that are supposed to be able to survive there are bacteria for whom oxygen is explicitly harmful. And yet the vampire squid can survive in these mind-boggling depths, and has absolutely zero problem breathing in water with an oxygen saturation of just 3%. Three. Percents. Three. An oxygen level that low wouldn’t only cause a human to die at superluminal speeds, it probably wouldn’t even be enough for his body to start rotting. And this dark, slimy piece of shit just dilly-dalles along in nearly no oxygen. God dammit.

It also has these little earlike fins on its head body it flaps to move around, because once again, using the mega-awesome bionic jet engine most cephalopods use would be to damn costly in energy. However, this makes the vampire squid not only an outlandish hybrid of Count Dracula and a Great Old One of your choosing, but an outlandish hybrid of Count Dracula, said Great Old One and Dumbo.

Let’s talk about the bioluminescence, shall we? Because this guy is covered head to toe in bioluminescent photophores. Not only that, it releases a bioluminescent fluid instead of ink in order to fuck with potential predators and its eyes glow with different colors.

Epileptic disco squid. Yum.

As if all these defensive tactics weren’t already enough, the vampire squid takes defence to the level of a crazy survivalist hoarding shotguns in his toolshed in case the President turns evil and declares martial law. Namely, they turn their webbed umbrella-like tentacles inside out until they become the deep-sea equivalent of Sonic the Hedgehog, that is, a fleshy ball of spikes that kill you to death if you as much as touch them. Well, that’s what this sneaky little fucker wants you to believe, even though the spikes are completely harmless.

Here is what it looks like.


Iä! Iä! Vam’Pyre Squ’Id fhtagn!