Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire he’d burn for 1000 days. Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott. We suddenly realise that we have no idea what the truth is. Who is the strange creature? What does he want from us? All we do know, is that he’s called The Stig.
It’s the year 2056. Bruce Forsyth is now 141 years old. He’s outlived his family, he’s outlived his old co-stars. He’s outlives everyone he knows. He’s outlived all of us. The apocalypse happened 10 years ago and Brucie is the only one left. He is the last man on Earth.
You’re in Tescos just before Election Day. You stop by the news and magazines section expecting to find some quality political analysis on the front page of your favourite paper, but all you find is rows and rows of the same image. Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich. At least that’s what the headline says he is doing. But you look closer. And that most certainly is not bacon.
You’re on the settee. You’re sort of half asleep-half scrolling Facebook for quality bants. ITV is on in the background but you haven’t been paying attention since Jezza Kyle went off. Something suddenly forces you to snap back to reality. In the corner of your eye you see an oversized white collar, thick rimmed black glasses… No, no, I thought it was over, please tell me he isn’t back, isn’t it over?? You turn to see the collar is now poking through the telly, and he’s there. Staring. There’s only one way to find out… FIGHT
LAD culture is taking over. Every word in the English Dictionary is quickly being replaced to include with word “bant” in it somewhere. All dinosaurs have been renamed Bantersauruses. At Christmas the only thing you can watch at the theatre is a Bantomime. Law dictates that the only things we can put in our gardens are blants, particularly of the
chrysbanthemum variety. We don’t even wear normal underwear anymore. We literally wear bants.
I wonder what ever happened to Dec, you wonder as you watch Ant presenting Britain’s Got Talent solo. You’re suddenly very aware that you haven’t seen him in a while, but Ant has never mentioned where his counterpart has gone. But wait. Ant looks different. The more you stare at his face the more obvious it becomes, but somehow only you can see it. Dec is trapped inside Ant’s massive forehead.
It’s been a long time since Freddos were 10p. A long time. And the price of them is no long a humorous topic used to express faux-indignation at the ever rising cost of living. They are a sad subject now, and it is deemed rude to even bring up the topic of Freddos in good company. Every time your gazes flickers to the £1 label beneath the untouched stack of Freddos at Morrisons, you die a little bit inside, a tear rolls down your cheek.
<b><p></b> <b><p></b> <b>Ron:</b> What's wrong, mate? You're really out of it today. We're losing to the Slytherins by 180 points!<p/><b>Draco:</b> *zooms toward ron and harry on his broom* What's the matter, Potter? In dire need of Vitamin Me?<p/><b>Ron:</b> <p/><b>Harry:</b> <p/><b>Harry:</b> What?<p/><b>Ron:</b> Don't you mean Vitamin D?<p/><b>Draco:</b> That also can be easily arranged *winks*<p/><b>Harry:</b> *blushes profusely*<p/><b>Ron:</b> *throws broom in the air* *rips hair off his head* *double back flips away from everything*<p/><b>Hermione:</b> You can't blame him. You walked straight into that one.<p/></p><p/></p><p/></p>
<b>Harry:</b> Hey, Malfoy!<p/><b>Draco:</b> What is it now, Potter?<p/><b>Harry:</b> Are you the Heir of Slytherin?<p/><b>Draco:</b> Potter, for the love of-<p/><b>Harry:</b> Because I'd like to get my 'basilisk' into your 'chamber of secrets' *attempts to wink* *achieves a weird eye twitch*<p/><b>Draco:</b> <p/><b>Harry:</b> <p/><b>Draco:</b> You're lucky you're beautiful.<p/></p>
@malfoysscarhead Not sure if this is what you had in mind, but… it just kinda happened? 😂
“WHAT in Merlin’s name is THAT?”
Harry pokes his head out of the kitchen to see what caused Ron to shriek like that. Ah, of course. He should have known this would happen.
“That,” Harry begins amusedly, “is a picture of my fiance, thanks for noticing.”
“How could anybody NOT notice it? It’s a bloody poster! Hanging over your dining table.” Ron sounds almost outraged. Harry can’t help but snicker.
Ron keeps staring at it, open mouthed. Hermione pokes him in the ribs, giving him a sharp look.
“It’s a lovely picture, Harry,” she smiles, “I assume you took it?”
“As if I’d let anyone else see him like that,” Harry snorts.
“You’re letting US see him like that! Why, Harry? Why? I could have died happy without seeing his bum once,” Ron whines.
Harry leans against the doorframe, grinning.
He remembers the day he took that picture vividly…
It was the third day of their trip to Hawaii. Draco wasn’t as excited as Harry at first and complained about the heat. A lot. But as soon as he somewhat adapted to it, Harry often had to drag Draco out of the water and remind him to put on some sunscreen.
“Can we move here? I love it here,” Draco asked Harry excitedly between kisses, while he was carrying Draco out of the water.
“What about our jobs?” Harry laughed.
“Sod our jobs!”
Draco managed to sit beside Harry for five minutes, before he jumped up and ran towards the water again. Harry watched him as he stretched out his arms, as if welcoming the waves. His swim trunks were sitting low on his hips, revealing just the tiniest bit of that glorious arse.
Harry quickly grabbed his phone and took a picture, smiling to himself. His fiance was just too gorgeous for his own good.
Just as Harry decided to take a few more pictures, Draco turned around saw Harry with his phone. Grinning cheekily, he turned his head back to the water and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his swim trunks. Harry’s eyes widened as he watched Draco pull them down to his ankles. Sweet Merlin, he was wiggling his bum!
Draco looked over his shoulder and winked at Harry.
“You coming?” he called, before running into the water. Harry didn’t need to be told twice! Thank Merlin this was a secluded beach…
Remembering this still sends heat through Harry and he clears his throat. He turns his attention back to Ron, smirking.
“Just be thankful it isn’t a magical picture. I doubt you’d want to see what happened after I took that picture.”
“Harryyyy,” Ron whines, his cheeks reddening. “I really don’t need to know what you do with that… arse.”
Harry bursts out laughing.
“Come on, sit down. That arse will be home soon and dinner’s almost ready.”
You’re drunk and horny and Harry just wants to get home before you get it on but you need it now
The bar was loud; you were pretty sure it was louder now
than what it was when you first got there. Or maybe it was just the alcohol
making your head throb slightly and every sound seemed intensified. Although
this sound sensitivity was applicable to the music playing, it also affected
how easily you heard Harry’s small groans in your ear as you danced. Your ass
was pressed harshly against his front as you moved your hips, not caring that
Harry was struggling to move his with the same, unsteady rhythm you were
You weren’t plastered drunk, no, but the couple drinks built
up your confidence just enough so that you could temporarily put aside your
usually nagging insecurities. Instead, you felt less afraid to dance like this
with Harry. Less afraid of telling him what you really want. This mix of being
just drunk enough to really know what you’re doing and not stumbling all over
the place, and being just tipsy enough to let your anxiety fade was a beautiful
mix. And you had plans to make tonight as fun as you could.
The song changed, and Harry leaned in to put his lips by
your ear and speak,
“Your rhythm is terrible.” He chuckled, and you spun around
“My rhythm? No way! I’m a great dancer.” You laughed loudly,
smiling up at him. He was quick to return the smile.
“Maybe you just think that ‘cause you’re drunk.” Harry was
the designated driver, but he didn’t mind. Seeing you tipsy was always so entertaining
“I’m not drunk.” You pouted, a little drunk.
“Yeah, sure babe. You’re completely sober.”
The smile on his face momentarily surprised you by how
beautiful it was. Whenever you drank, he seemed that much more attractive, if
that was even possible. You matched his smile and daringly ran your pointer
finger down the expanse of his chest.
“Don’t make fun of me!” You demanded playfully as your
finger now made its way to his hard abdomen. His eyes slightly widened as you
kept the movement downward, and once your finger brushed against the button on
his jeans his large hand moved to grab yours.
“We’re in public, pet.”
You could tell he was trying his best to maintain the
playful mood from earlier, but the lust in his eyes was threatening to take
“I want you now,
Harry.” You spoke as you looked up at him through your lashes and brought your
bottom lip between your teeth. His eyes widened for a moment as he processed what
you said. Instead of taking your request seriously, as you’d anticipated, he
instead laughed loudly. It only caused you to pout more and yank your hand from
his grip that he had on it.
“Is it funny to you that I want my boyfriend? Is it funny
that all I want is for you to bend me over and fu-“
His hand quickly covered your mouth and you continued your
filthy speech into his hand. His gaze was serious, and you smiled into his hand
at the response you were finally getting. Now that your hand was free again,
you wasted no time moving it to palm him through his jeans. It didn’t take long
before the hand that wasn’t covering your mouth moved to roughly pull your hand
from the crotch of his jeans.
“Stop it.” He ordered, and the tone of his voice made you
quiver and press your thighs together. Tonight, all you wanted was this Harry.
The Harry that told you what to do instead of asked. You gave him the best
puppy dog eyes you could as his fiery green ones stared into yours harshly.
“We’re leaving.” He demanded, and removed his hand from your
mouth to start to pull you through the crowd and outside. His hold on your hand
was soft enough that you knew he was being careful not to hurt you, but hard enough
that there was no way you could escape it had you wanted to. But you didn’t want
Once outside, his free hand ran through the curls on his
head and he let out a deep breath. The parking lot wasn’t large, so it was easy
to find the car.
He opened the door and pushed you in, buckling the seatbelt
over you. You felt like you were getting punished for something, but it didn’t bother
you. Instead, you giggled to yourself as he made his way to the driver’s side
and got in. Before he started the car, he looked over at you and shook his
“Why do you have to do things like that when we’re out?” He
questioned, although his stern demeanor from earlier was long gone. In its
place was a smirk, an angelic smirk that put his dimples on full display. For
the second time that night, you had to press your thighs together to relieve
some of the pressure building inside you. He was just so perfect, that it blew
your mind he was with you. Before you responded, you took your sweet time
looking from his face down to his chest, clad in a plain black tee shirt, and
down to the growing bulge in his jeans. Involuntarily, you bit your lip and
slowly moved your eyes back up to his waiting gaze.
“It’s just ‘cause I want you inside me is all.” You tried to
act innocent as you spoke, but you knew it failed miserably. Without responding,
he started the car.
“Waaaiiitttt” you slurred, and he halted his actions to
allow you to speak, “I need you now.” You finished, looking up at him hopefully.
Unfortunately, he didn’t look to be interested in your offer.
“I’m not fucking you in the car in this shitty parking lot.”
He grumbled, but the growing hardness in his jeans told you otherwise. He
shifted the car into drive and began to drive from the parking lot as you
frowned at him. You were certain he could sense the frown you were giving him
as he drove.
“If you aren’t gonna touch me, maybe I’ll just get myself off.”
You huffed loudly, hoping to get a reaction from him. Yet, he didn’t even look
over when he responded.
“We’re like ten minutes from home, can’t you wait?”
The alcohol in your veins definitely was what allowed you to
prop your right leg up on the dashboard. The dress you were wearing quickly
rode up to your hips and left both of your legs bare, and your black lacy
underwear on full display for both you and Harry.
His head turned to look at you, his gaze lingering a little
longer on the panties you were wearing, before he moved his eyes back to the
“Don’t even think about it.” He spoke harshly, and you
smiled to yourself. He finally was understanding just how bad you wanted him. The
whole night, all you could think about was how good it would feel to have him bend you over the bar counter and
pound into you until you couldn’t remember how to walk. The thought drove you
to move your finger to the wetness between your legs.
Without bothering to move the fabric, your finger began to
circle your clit in a motion similar to the way Harry normally does it. He didn’t
realize you disobeyed his order until his wide eyes abruptly looked over to
you. Your eyes were closed, but you knew he struggled to keep his eyes on the
road. The quiet car was now filled with your breathy moans. You pressed harder
into your clit and it elicited a drawn out whimper from your throat.
“Oh, Harry.” You breathed out his name loudly. By now, your
hips were moving up to meet your fingers with each circle.
You opened your eyes to see his grip on the steering wheel
so tight his knuckles were turning white. His jaw was clenched. Outside, you
noticed you were no farther than a couple minutes from home. This is when you
had to make it count.
Moving your panties aside just enough to press one finger
into your throbbing heat, you began to repeat his name over and over with a
string of curses connecting them.
“Stop it. Now.” He barked the order at you, and instead of
continuing the prior rebellious attitude you had, you obeyed. Once your legs
were back where they should be, he visibly relaxed.
“I’m dripping for you, Harry.” You turned to face him and
run your finger across his forearm.
“Are you gonna take good care of me when we get home?”
He gulped loudly. Now, the driveway was only about a hundred
He didn’t answer as you pulled into the driveway. He took
his time shutting the car off and getting out. You didn’t have time to think
before he opened your door, unbuckled your seatbelt, and helped you out of the
car. His wrapped his arm around your waist as he unlocked the door and walked
you both inside. You stood in the hallway awkwardly, not sure what exactly to
expect from him tonight. Normally, he would’ve fucked you by now, either up
against the wall or in the bathroom stall at the bar. Instead, he kicked his
boots off and went into the kitchen to fill up a glass with water from the
faucet. You gulped, now nervous.
“A-are you mad at me? I’m sorry I d-“ you began to ramble,
but the look on his face stopped your speech.
“You want to be bent over, huh?” He said it casually, almost
as if you were talking about what your favorite color was. You coughed, not
sure what to say to him now.
“Uhm, well yeah.”
The confidence from earlier was now wearing off, and you didn’t
“You want me to bend you over and fuck you from behind, that
it? Is that why you had to put on that little show in the car?”
You didn’t respond as he finished his water, put the glass in
the sink, and walked over to stand in front of you. You nodded shyly.
His thumb and forefinger gripped your chin to force you to
look up at him; his eyes were dark.
“Does my baby girl want me to fuck her so good that she’ll
feel me for days?” He questioned, his
tone softening ever so slightly. You took a deep breath and tried to muster
some of the confidence from earlier.
“All night I’ve been thinking about how good your cock
stretches me out.”
At that, his grip on your chin only tightened, and you would’ve
flinched had you not been positively aching for him.
He didn’t answer but instead led the both of you into the
dining room. The only light was from the hallway, and it barely illuminated the
dark wood of the table.
Him saying it now, with the rasp in his voice he only got
when he was ready to fuck you, made you let out a heavy breath. His words alone
made your insides clench.
You were quick to do what he asked, and you bet at the hips
to lay your stomach flat against the table. From this position, you couldn’t see
what he was doing behind you. But the vulnerability of it all made you shiver
“Good girl.” He murmured, and moved to pull your dress up
around your hips and pull your panties down your legs, letting them pool at
your feet. You couldn’t help but squirm under his gaze.
“You weren’t lying. You’re actually dripping for me.” He spoke in awe, and he trailed his hands up the
middle of your thighs to brush against the pooling wetness. He hadn’t even
touched you, and you were already ready to explode. His large fingers now
brushed against your folds and the soft touch was enough to make your knees
buckle. It took a moment before you could straighten them again.
Now, his fingers began to run up and down your slit, not yet
pressing into your clit or entering you. He was teasing. And even though he was
hardly touching you, you were practically panting against the table beneath
you. You squirmed and attempted to move your hips against his fingers.
At this, his thick finger pressed inside you. You let out a
prolonged moan at the sensation, and your thighs began to tremble. His finger
began to leisurely move in and out of you.
“Is this what you wanted, baby girl? Wanted my fingers
knuckle deep in you? I can feel you clenching around me already.” His voice was
incredibly husky, and you knew how much restraint it took him to not just pull
out his cock and fuck you already. Instead, he wanted to tease you just like
you teased him in the car.
His words made you clench harder around him and a loud “please,
Harry” to escape from your lips. Your hands were now stretched above your head
to grip onto the edge of the table to keep you from collapsing.
Without warning, his other hand moved to put pressure on
your throbbing clit. You gasped loudly, back arching. The combination of his
two hands moving in synch was too much for you and you immediately neared your
orgasm. He was watching you closely, however, watching for the tell-tale signs
you were about to come. Once your thighs began to shake and your grip on the
edge of the table tightened, he suddenly stopped. At the loss of contact, you
let out a guttural groan of disappointment.
“Shhh. Patience, baby girl.”
You heard the sound of fabric hitting the floor and the
sound of a zipper. You didn’t dare look back at him, it was too risky that he
would tease you again. Instead, you waited for him, and it wasn’t long before
you felt his thickness pressing against your opening.
Without entering you, he moved his head up and down your
slit, collecting your wetness on the tip.
“H-harry, I need you inside me.” You breathed out heavily,
“Are you gonna be a good girl and take all of me?”
You let a string of yes’s fall from your lips. That was all
the answer he needed as he pressed into you. His cock stretched you out so much
better than his finger, and the sensation made the muscles in your stomach
“You’re so fucking tight.”
He gasped. The new position allowed him to thrust deeply into you, reaching
spots that made your vision blurry. His hips harshly rammed into yours as he
gripped onto your hips to guide himself. You were certain you would be able to
see his fingers on your flesh tomorrow due to the strength of his hold.
His pace only seemed to quicken, and you couldn’t hold back
your whimpers for him. One of his hands moved to grip the hair at the back of
your head and pull. You gasped at the uncomfortable position you were put in,
but the overwhelming sensation of him throbbing inside of you occupied your
“You take me so well, fuck.” He groaned loudly behind you.
His words made you clench around him. His breathing sped up as a result. Although
the position you were in was amazing, you couldn’t help but wish you could see his
face. You knew his jaw would be clenched, and that little wrinkle would be
prominent between his eyebrows.
As your climax edged closer, your moans got louder and
louder with each thrust. When he moved a hand around your hips to press a rough
finger against your clit, you pressed your thighs together and screamed his
name. He pulled out so just his tip was inside you before pushing in again,
seemingly deeper than before. He kept at this pace for a few more thrusts as
you felt your orgasm building in the pit of your stomach.
“Be a good girl and come around my cock.” His voice was
tense, and you could sense he was nearing his high as well.
With a final thrust of his hips, you finally came hard
around him. Your eyes squeezed shut as you tensed around him, raising up on
your tip toes as you rode out your high. His thick cock inside you was
positively pulsating as your walls clenched around him and his fingers rubbed
you through your climax, dragging the sensation on for an incredible amount of
time. Above you, you heard a loud groan as he came inside you. It took a couple
seconds before either of you were down from your high enough to move from the
position you were in.
After he pulled out of you and helped you stand up straight,
he yanked his boxers back up his legs. His jeans were at the floor with his
shirt and your panties. Before he could so much as speak, you wrapped your arms
around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. The fire behind it was undeniable,
and although it wasn’t meant to lead to anything, the real love behind it made you shiver. You really did love him so much.
The kiss deepened and it was cut off when you began to smile
against his lips. He pulled back, a similar smile on his face.
“What?” He laughed, moving to push some stray hairs behind
In that moment, looking deep into his happy eyes, you had
never been more content.
“I just love you is all.”
“You’re just saying that ‘cause I fuck you good.” He laughed
loudly and pressed a kiss against your nose. “But yeah, I love you too.”
Once again, this miniseries is dedicated to @stylesunchained. I love you, B! This time around, the ever-so-lovely @chrissy22787 helped me out, and I thank you - immensely - for that, my dear friend.
Let me know what you think! Happy reading.
Even if Nick did piss him off, Harry couldn’t help but be proud of his best friend whenever he was awarded opportunities. He worked hard, and it was nice to see that hard work pay off in the end. So, when Nick mentioned that you were having a viewing party for his appearance on The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, Harry feared that he wouldn’t be able to celebrate the milestone with him.
“Ask her,” he demanded one afternoon.
Nick laughed, his eyes widening at Harry’s insistence. After little pleading from his friend, Nick sent a text asking you if Harry could be his plus one for the dinner party. Once he’d sent it, Harry forced Nick to show him the text for proof, figuring that it was just like him to say he’d asked you when he didn’t, instead showing up to the party with Harry anyway, thinking it was funny to throw both of you for a loop. Nick’s phone dinged minutes later, your name lighting up the screen. Your response of “Sure.” had caused Harry to go into an existential crisis, the wrinkle in his brow deep as he pulled at his lips.
“She doesn’t want me there,” he grunted. “‘m not goin’.”