checkit yo!

How to date an asexual person

So you’re an allosexual person. You’re attracted to men, women, or anybody, potentially. One day you meet a cutie and agree to go out for drinks, coffee or even dinner. You’re on this date, you’re having a good time, and then they tell you something shocking – they’re asexual!


Immediately you have all sorts of questions. This is completely natural, especially if you’ve never interacted with an out asexual person before. But this is your first piece of advice, and this is vital:

1. Let the cutie fucking speak.

Seriously, there will be a time for questions. Let your date explain what they mean before you inundate them. It’s highly likely they’ve spent more time researching asexuality and considering what that identity means to them than you spent studying throughout your entire college career. If you give them a chance to speak, they will probably answer most of your most pressing questions anyway.

Here’s the thing, though. While they may explain to you whatever they want, this doesn’t mean they’re entitled to give you any information whatsoever about their sex life, or lack thereof. They don’t have to tell you whether they masturbate, or if they’ve ever had sex before. They will likely tell you whether and to what degree they are sex-repulsed in good time, but don’t press for that information.

And for fuck’s sake, don’t ask, “Are you sure??”

2. Don’t try to pressure them into having sex with you.

You’ve made it past the first, second and maybe third or even FOURTH dates. You’ve been having a great time with this person, you’ve been learning what they enjoy and what they loathe with a passion, you’ve been sharing your favorite things with them, and things are going pretty well! That’s pretty fantastic.

But you’re worried about the future. You like this person, but you like sex a lot too. You feel like you shouldn’t have to choose between the two, and anyway, sex is part of a healthy balanced relationship. Right?

Not necessarily.

Everyone in our society has been brought up to believe that sex and intimacy are the same, that having sex means you’re having a functional relationship and that not having sex means everything’s ruined forever, and that sex should be kind of this reward for getting past a certain point in a relationship.

Asexuality really does throw a monkeywrench in all of those expectations (which is kind of fantastic if you like dismantling power dynamics). Ultimately, you’ll have to have a frank discussion with the cutie about what they like and dislike, what they feel comfortable with, and what they absolutely will not do. In the same vein, you can explain to them what you enjoy and what you want and feel comfortable with, but you’re going to have to develop the requisite spoons to face a possible rejection of the sexual relationship you want.

This is not just true of asexual folks. This kind of conversation should be the basis of ANY relationship you’re in. 

^also what square mom said.

3. Don’t be a douchebag.

This kind of flows out of the last tip, but it’s true enough *in general* to deserve its own special section.

Contrary to the belief of some very specific online comment threads <cough>JEZEBEL</cough>, asexual folks aren’t special snowflakes around which you have to walk on eggshells. Generally, we want what you want: a chance at having a rad, fulfilling relationship. But yo checkit: if you can’t accept that a cutie doesn’t want to have sex with you or anyone else, then you’re done. It’s the same as in any other relationship where either party’s priorities don’t mesh. For some folks, not having sex is just flat out not up for debate and not available for compromise. Your mileage - and theirs - may vary here, but regardless, respect is the name of the game.

And really, that’s it. Seriously. That’s how to date an asexual person. It’s not much different from how two allosexuals date, is it? Or maybe it is. Anyway, here’s another picture of Garnet that accurately depicts how I feel about y’all. Cuties.