chat hp

He just DOESN'T REMEMBER
  • Viktor: *Yuuri is eros, I've never seen anyone more eros than him since that one night at the banquet, there is no other way to describe him but an erotic man with such passion there is no doubt about it he's the epitome of erotic love*
  • Viktor: Yuuri, what is your eros???
  • Yuuri: a pork cutlet bowl
  • Viktor: for fucks sa-
harry potter rated by references to chocolate
  • philosopher's stone: First introduction into chocolate for Harry after a life with the Dursleys. Harry's first birthday cake was chocolate. + Hagrid gave him a chocolate/raspberry ice cream at Fortescue's. ALSO CHOCOLATE FROGS EVERYWHERE. They are big plot point too! a sturdy introduction: 8/10
  • chamber of secrets: Hermione savagely uses chocolate cake to trick Crabbe and Goyle. But, most importantly, if Dumbledore wasn't getting hot chocolate Colin Creevey would have probably died. proving again, chocolate saves lives. A steaming book for hot chocolate with 3 mentions. decent: 5/10
  • prisoner of azkaban: absolute PEAK. A whooping 27 references. A chocolate reference every 9 pages! Honeydukes is introduced!!! "Hundreds of different kinds of chocolate in neat rows", Slabs and bars galore! + chocolate is canonly used as a remedy for sadness!! chocolate queen™, remus Lupin helps the cause with his generous handing out of chocolate. Also, Pomfrey even provided a boulder sized block, complete with a hammer to collect chunks, ingenious. EVEN THE MINISTER FOR MAGIC insisted on Harry having chocolate! -5 points because Harry says he's sick of chocolate ate the end. Yet, still a solid 11/10
  • goblet of fire: The Fat Lady makes an excellent choice by getting drunk off chocolate liqueurs, a+ example of combining chocolate and alcohol. Ron got some chocolate from Hagrid for having a sneaky lil niffler... the BIGGEST disappointment is Molly Weasley sending Hermione a tiny chocolate egg instead of a dragon sized one like harry and ron because of a Rita Skeeter™ rumour she's with Krum and Harry?? like wtff a grown ass woman almost made a child cry because of their passive aggressive chocolate giving 1/10
  • order of the phoenix: Hermione gave two boxes of chocolate for Harry's birthday, but teenage angst™ harry throws them out. Poor form m8. Also, he has a weird dream about Cedric, Cho and chocolate frogs?? Why bro. Additionally, Harry and Ginny have a romantical moment as she gives him chocolate... Before Madam Pince screams "CHOCOLATE IN THE LIBRARY- OUT- OUT!" Classic choco madness! Overall, a wild ride on the chocolate train. maybe too wild. im going with a 6/10
  • half-blood prince: Romilda Vane tried to spike Harry through chocolate cauldrons -30 points... Furthermore, Tom Riddle kills Hepzibah Smith with hot cocoa and uses that death to make a horcrux. An absolute shocker! Chocolate used to make Voldemort immortal!!! and to murder!!! improper use of a sacred food: -282939399/10
  • deathly hallows: Wow, disappointing. One chocolate card wrapper on the floor, a chocolate card and french chocolate from the Delacours. 3 mentions in 197,651 words. Disgraceful. I reckon there's correlation between how happy a story is and the amount of chocolate references. conclusively: appalling 0.015/10
  • bonus fantastic beasts: "But I made 'em cocoa?". excellent start, promising: 7/10
  • Dumbledore: The dark forest is forbidden to all students.
  • Dumbledore: Except for Detention
  • Dumbledore: Where you will be forced to enter when its the darkest and scariest
  • Dumbledore: It makes so much sense
  • Dumbledore: I am so good at making rules
  • Dumbledore: Fifty points to Dumbledore
Christmas is coming
  • Harry: Draco could you help me set up the tree?
  • Draco: back when I was a kid, our manor's gardeners would set up several trees around the house, each with its own colour scheme and lights and every morning at the crack of dawn you could see the glittering of the-
  • Harry: could you put your pretentiousness in your pocket for five seconds and just help me set up the fucking tree
  • Snape: I hate you, but your mom was pretty hot.
  • Harry: wha- really??1?1?2
  • Harry: this- this changes everything
  • Harry: I understand you now
  • Harry: you're like my hero now
  • Harry: you know what I'm gunna name my kid after you
  • Harry: wow your just so great
  • Snape: omfg this is why I hate you
  • molly weasley : not my daughter, you bitch
  • bellatrix, before being blasted to bits : *whispers* that was so fuckin savage molly you queen
Texting
  • James Potter to Why has prongs added evans? :
  • James: Lily you left your book at the house yesterday.
  • Peter: oooooo why was she at our house james. why.
  • James: she was studying with Remus you prick. Change the name of this group.
  • Sirius: No way you trashed our group by adding her. now you have to live with the consequences.
  • Sirius Black changed the group name to; James has a boner for Evans:
  • James Potter removed Sirius Black from the group:
  • Lily: what is going on?
  • James Potter removed Lily Evans from the group:
  • .
  • James: hey Lily you want to come over and revise?
  • Lily: you do a biology degree? I do history??
  • James: divorced. beheaded. died. divorced. beheaded. survived.
  • Lily: ...
  • James: I'm also ordering pizza for everyone.
  • Lily: I'll be there at 6.
  • .
  • Remus: Sirius you need to stop annoying Lily.
  • Sirius: what??? how dare you... Evans loves me
  • Lily: you piss me off Black
  • Sirius: betrayal...
  • Lily: i'm sorry but you took about a thousand photos on my phone of your newly done eyebrows and filled up all my storage.
  • Sirius: you should b honoured.... Remus would b
  • Remus: Sirius, I have to spend enough time with you showing me in person.. I really don't need pictures.
  • Sirius: you guys suck. I'm adding Jamie
  • Sirius Black added James Potter:
  • Sirius: you love my eyebrows don't you James?
  • James: of course Pads
  • Sirius: awwww see
  • Lily: but Sirius my phone isn't working because of your stupid eyebrows
  • James: fuck your eyebrows Sirius.
  • Sirius Black added Peter Pettigrew to the group:
  • Sirius: Pete, you like my eyebrows right
  • Peter: yeah i guess?
  • Sirius: haha! told you guys
  • Remus: ugh..
  • Lily: srsly
  • Peter: wait you've all been on a chat without me?
  • Peter: ...
  • Peter: hello?
  • .
  • James: Pete did you put my green jumper in the wash?
  • Peter: it was on the floor of the bathroom.. so yes I put it in the wash.
  • James: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. THATS THE ONE LILY WORE AND IT SMELLS LIKE HER AND NOW IT WONT SMELL LIKE HER WHEN I WEAR IT.
  • Peter: have you considered therapy?
  • .
  • Lily: hey can I come over and steal some of your food? I'm broke and hungry... plus your house is really warm for some reason?
  • Remus: Okay, but i must warn you James is doing shirtless karaoke in the sitting room with Sirius.
  • Lily: thats okay.
  • Remus: Is it now?
  • Lily: be quiet and come open your front door.
  • .
  • Lily Evans to; I guess she's here to stay then..:
  • Lily: oh my word Sirius I just looked... my eyebrows look amazing
  • Sirius: I told you. Say it. I'm a genius.
  • Remus: Oh be quiet Padfoot.
  • Sirius: Make me.
  • James: ugh guys take the sexual tension somewhere else pleaseeee
  • Sirius: gladly.
  • James: NOT INTO THE ROOM NEXT DOOR TO ME
  • Lily: hahahahah
  • James: where are you right now?
  • Lily: coffee shop on the corner. Why?
  • James: because my house is no longer safe for my precious ears. I'm running away to find you.
  • .
  • James: oh my god shes so pretty
  • Peter: i know
  • James: and her eyes
  • Peter: I am aware
  • James: ugh and her hair
  • Peter: yup....
  • James: god she is so beautiful
  • Peter: so why aren't you telling her this?
  • James: don't be an idiot Wormtail.
  • .
  • Sirius: mooonyyyyyyyyyy
  • Sirius: moony my ray of sunshine
  • Sirius: light to my darkness
  • Sirius: hope to my dismay
  • Sirius: my brightest star
  • Sirius: mooooooonnnyyyyy
  • Remus: What.
  • Sirius: I love you.
  • Remus: ...
  • Remus: What did you do.
  • Sirius: I got jam on your jumper by accident... not a big deal i think i can clean it
  • Sirius: oh shit no i've made it worse
  • Remus: Fuck you do not touch anything I swear to God Padfoot. I'm coming home right now and stabbing you.
  • Sirius: I love you
  • Sirius: Remus?
  • Sirius: crap okay I'm hiding
  • .
  • Lily: Rem you're staring at Sirius' butt
  • Remus: He has a nice butt.
  • Remus: and nice hair.
  • Remus: damn I'm so gay for him.
  • Lily: I would hope so, you've been together for like two years now?
  • Remus: He has great eyes too..
  • Lily: James has nice eyes
  • Remus: :-) what
  • Lily: What? Me? What?
  • Lily: pretend i didn't just send that
  • Lily: my point is you're staring at Sirius' butt and the lecturer has noticed and is glaring at you.
  • Remus: oh shit.
  • .
  • James Potter changed the name of the group to; Party tonight and we are all going bitches get yourselves ready:
  • Remus: That's really how you're going to announce it?
  • Sirius: gets the point across, I like it
  • James: thanks pads
  • James: I've invited Lily too.
  • Peter: oooooooo
  • James Potter added Lily Evans to the group:
  • Lily: woo hoo party!!!
  • .
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'James got drunkkkkk af':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'Lily got smashed':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'and they totally kissed':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'like a proper snog alll nightttt longggggg':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'James wants to sleep with Evans':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'and now he finally knows Evans wants to bang him tooooooo':
  • Sirius Black changed the name of the group to; 'they in loveeeeeeeeee':
  • James Potter removed Sirius Black from the group:
  • Remus: He's not wrong though...
  • Lily Evans removed Remus Lupin from the group:
  • Peter: what no how did i miss this historical moment!!!!!
  • James Potter removed Peter Pettigrew from the group:
  • .
  • James: hey
  • Lily: hi
  • James: how you feeling?
  • Lily: okay i guess...
  • James: cool cool cool...
  • Lily: look about last night-
  • James: about last night
  • Lily: haha...
  • James: I'd do it again.
  • Lily: what?
  • James: I mean if you wanted to obviously! and not like drunk and sloppy like last night haha... but i would kiss you again... if you would want me to... I mean i know we're just friends and stuff but... you're really pretty is what I'm trying to say....
  • Lily: I'd like that.
  • James: what?
  • Lily: if you kissed me again.
  • .
  • James Potter added Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew to the group:
  • James: YESSSSS GUYS SHE SAID SHE WOULD TOTALLY KISS ME AGAIN IM KING OF THE WORRRLLLLDDDDDDDDDD
  • Lily: I'm still here.
  • James: :-)
  • Lily: :-)
  • This was inspired by another post like this i saw a while back, but now can't find, and from suggestion i recently got.
  • Send me in any other ideas!
they tried
  • Hermione & Pansy: *bursts into dorm room with camera* YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX!
  • Harry: *doing homework* ...
  • Draco: *reading* ...
  • Harry: ...
  • Draco: *looks over* Harry? Really? Why didn't you tell me, I would've put my book down.
YOI season one is done but I'm not
  • <p> <b>Me:</b> God that was a perfect episode to end off a perfect season<p/><b>Also me:</b> okAY BUT DID YOU SEE HOW NOT ONLY DID THE YOI PRODUCERS CATER TO OUR WISHES AND ADDED IN THEIR PAIR SKATE BUT IT WAS TO "STAY CLOSE TO ME" AND THEY HAD MATCHING UNIFO-<p/></p>
  • harry: *has idea*
  • ron: harry no
  • hermione: harry no
  • ginny: harry no
  • neville: harry no
  • hagrid: harry no
  • professor mcgonagall: harry no
  • all of the houses: harry no
  • the hogsmeade citizens: harry no
  • aragog: harry no
  • harry: yeah... okay you're right
  • harry:
  • harry: *secretly* HARRY YES
  • Harry Potter: The boy who lived.
  • Baudelaires: The kids who lived but they have emotional traumas because every of their friends is dead or in a mysterious figure in the water and they actually deserve the whole world but the world is cruel (a word who here means shitty place to live) and i love them so much and ugh.
Stupid Potter!
  • Draco: Father, that stupid Potter keeps teasing me that I am gay.
  • Lucius: Then hex him in the face, son.
  • Draco: ...
  • Draco: ...
  • Draco: But he is so freaking cute !!!
  • Lucius: ...
  • Draco: I shall ask him on a date (sighs).
  • Lucius: ...
  • Draco: And father, right after I kiss him. I shall make fun of him, of course.
  • Lucius: *faints*
  • Draco: Father, do you think he would agree to go on a date with me?
  • Draco: Father! Father!
  • Draco: My father and I have a bet, you see? I don't think you're going to last ten minutes in the tournament.
  • Draco: He disagrees...he thinks you won't last five!
  • Harry: I don't give a da--
  • Draco: Did you hear me, Potter? He said you wouldn't last five minutes but I said you would last ten! I was telling him you will last longer than he expects! You can get through this!! I believe in you! I love you, Potter!
  • Harry: What
  • Draco: What
"ground rules"
  • Draco: Nothing's going to change, okay Potter?
  • Harry: *kisses his head* Mhm
  • Draco: we're still going to pretend we absolutely hate each other
  • Harry: *nips his ear* yep
  • Draco: just because we're exclusive to each other doesn't mean i'm giving you preferential treatment
  • Harry: *nuzzles his neck* of course
  • Draco: You need to keep at least a three foot radius away from me
  • Harry: *steps back* Like this?
  • Draco: What? No. What are you doing? Get back here and keep kissing me.
Draco The Pun Master

-So obviously Draco would be the pun master of the relationship and Harry would be the king of horrible knock-knock jokes and/or pickup lines 

-Except hardly any of Draco’s puns make any sense whatsoever??? Or they’re just insanely, ridiculously lame

-And Harry gets so fed up with all the puns but he secretly adores them and thinks they’re the cutest, dorkiest thing about Draco (even though he thinks everything Draco does is cute and dorky).

-”Potter? More like HOT-ter haha get it Harry? Bc you’re my boyfriend and you’re super fucking hot”

-”Draco are you a software update because not now”

-”What the fuck is software. Why are we updating it”

-”No, Draco- it’s a joke-”

-”Harry Potter? More like Harry NOT-ter because none of your jokes make any fucking sense”

-”Draco I swear to god”