Ballsy: Just when I thought I’d done enough
Can I just?
May I? I’d really like to. Tho - is there any point at
all to trying to educate the spoon-fed masses that both these guys are
celebrities who are very much driven by a PR machine? That most
everything you see them do publically is planned and calculated? That those “unsolicited photographs” were very much arranged? Waste of time
trying? Let them live in their bubble universe of unicorn prince mutual
“interview” really was just a PR damage control exercise where
Benedict was used to bring Toddles back from the brink of falling into the
chasm of the Swift publicity Colossus - loosely disguised as a mutual
wankfest of epic British Poshness. Oh look! Toddles in leather! Please forget ALL about that I heart TS
Tanktop. Look! Leather!
I am sick of trans stories that act like transitioning is one giant leap. As though you looked out over a chasm, took two steps backward and launched yourself across never to return, leaving behind an empty husk of who you used to be.
I can’t remember where I saw that line….something like “I can’t let go of the woman I was, so I carry her with me” (please someone give me the reference and I’ll update this). You have no idea.
My dad, one of the most important people in my life, died long before my transition. He’s only ever called me by my birth name, and while I don’t ever want someone to call me that again….I still hear that name in his voice and I don’t want to let it go.
My body didn’t always look like this and I want to be able to talk about that, to joke about that. A few days ago I got to crack jokes to someone about my surgery and my transition and these fundamental, elemental parts of me that so often make people uncomfortable. She laughed and joked back with me and I didn’t have to explain or answer weird questions and I don’t think I know how to tell her that that healed a small part of my soul.
I know….I KNOW the raging, kicking, painful desire to rip away what and who people said you were before your transition. We call it “dead naming” to call a trans person by their birth name, we have laid that person to rest.
But I haven’t. And I don’t want to. That person was the only me that has ever been hugged by my dad. That person was the me who loved and was loved by many people. That person lived. That person is a part of me. I can’t let her go. I don’t want to.
I don’t want to leave the me before I transitioned behind on the other side of the chasm. Transition, for me, wasn’t a leap, it was like scaling down the wall, and then back up the other side. Slow. Steady. Carrying her on my back. In between my ribs. Hidden away or tucked close against prying eyes. She’s part of me. I can’t leave her behind. So we climb. Together.
Description: “Chasm is a procedurally-generated Platform Adventure currently in development for PC (Win, Mac, & Linux) and Playstation 4. Taking equal inspiration from hack ‘n slash dungeon crawlers and Metroidvania-style platformers, it will immerse you in a procedurally-generated fantasy world full of exciting treasure, deadly enemies, and abundant secrets.”
Tags; Past Lives | Soul Bond | Soul mates | Temporarily Unrequited Love | Angst | Pining | Nondescript Mention of Character Death | Past Life Death | Explicit Sexual Content | Happy Ending Language: English Words: 15.125
senseless and random things that I have to say about this fic and the process of drawing, here (x) :)