characteristics

you’ve all heard about Mello’s zebra print couch

now get ready for…

Near’s floral print couch, also coming with floral print drapes!

And this, is a bird’s eye view on the main portion of the quarters Rester and Near are residing in while in Japan;

Notice the small flower composition on the table and a plant, picture below, substituted by the Christmas tree in the anime episode. If that plant isn’t artificial, it must be one for typically indoor use which just requires a condition of indirect light to survive, and judging from its characteristics it might belong to philodendron species with cascading, heart-shaped leaves.

All of these elements set up quite a cozy ambiance, almost domestic, don’t you think?

And finally, there seems to have been a mirror over there once, but it’s never seen again anywhere.


Tbh, I’d literally give all my money to get my hands on a full detailed blueprint of the whole HQ. }

My experience with the signs in my life
  • Aries female: so stubborn is incredible. A hot head. She knows what she wants and she'll get it. Yells a lot. Cares a lot about her family. Very concerned about her diet. She looks like a cinnamon roll but is a beast inside.
  • Aries male : very intelligent, probably the most intelligent. Can either have a very scientific mind or a very literary mind. Loves to read. LOVES to make puns. Horrible ones. Has the biggest laugh.
  • Taurus female: MY BIGGEST LOVE. Literally the cutest thing. She is so smart and caring and it's true: she loves to eat. Cares so much about everyone, not only her close friends. She almost never get angry but when she does. Ouch.
  • Taurus male: a cutie. Always ready to cheer you up. DOES NOT. BELIEVE. IN. ASTROLOGY. Likes scientific shit. Loves old movies. Always laughs at your jokes. The best friend you can find. Loves Shrek.
  • Gemini female: so strong and independent. Her hair is always on point, so is her outfit. Either very tall or very short. They talk a lot and they love listening to you. Geminis are actually very lovable people. Best companion for a boring class or for lunch break.
  • Gemini male: very bold and confident about himself. Does his own thing. It's not that he is a dick, it's just that he has his own problems to take care of. Except Trump, Trumps is really a dick. Im sorry Geminis that he is in your sign. The cool guy of the class who has a different girl every week. A lil fuckboy but fun to have a chat with. Loves videogames and perfect pal to get drunk with.
  • Cancer female: not a crybaby. Actually HATES to cry in public. More often than you think, very extroverted. Very passionate about what she loves. High ambitions, starts many things and then get bored. So many puns oh god.
  • Cancer male: oh boy. "Nightmare dressed as a daydream". Makes you feel so special. Boyfriend material. Usually dark hair and dark eyes. Not very tall. Adorable. Special laugh. Will do great things in life. Very creative but kinda introvert(?) WILL RATHER DIE THAN CRY IN PUBLIC.
  • Leo female: very close about her private things but she will open up if you demonstrate her she can trust you. Loves everyone. Not that confident about herself. Very confident about the world, tho. Wants to move someplace else and experience. People respect her.
  • Leo male: Stonehead™. Literally smokes all the time to forget about the pain he feels. Hides emotions and then explodes, usually with rage. Either very close to you that he calls you every day, or he'll completely ignore you. Smart even tho it doesn't look like. The lonely wolf.
  • Virgo female: so stubborn and independent. She knows what she wants and she'll get it. Can get very clingy to the people she loves but sometimes neglect other people she loves even tho she doesn't notice. Get mad easily for the little things. The queen. Just listen to her, she knows the shit.
  • Virgo male: cute but doesn't have his own personality. Sometimes gets involved in ugly companies and does things he doesn't want to. Very sensitive but tries to hide it. Actually cares about you even tho he wants to appear a tough boy. Pretends he doesn't care about school, ends up with all A. Probably very good at soccer.
  • Libra female: becomes part of your family if she isn't already. Amazing lipsticks. Always has great stories to tell. Lives in the clouds. Forgets about things easily but won't forget the important things. Has so many passions but get easily distracted when she is studying for an exam. Perfect person to binge watch Sherlock with.
  • Libra male: my everything. Pretends he's a gryffindor but deep down is a slytherin. Stunning. Gets high grade without doing shit. The teacher favorite. The one you can do stupid shit with. Will do anything for you. Listens to you 24/7. Loves tv shows. Very smart. Will probably end up doing something very important. Perfect dad.
  • Scorpio female: actually very sweet and caring, as much as cancer. Never shows off her emotions but you'll know when she cares about you. She's like a mama bear. She'll call you if she feels you are not happy. She'll call you constantly. Extroverted and kind. Best presents ever. Looks naive but very cautious.
  • Scorpio male: ok so my ex fwb was a scorpio and i gotta say they get emotionally attached. Pretend they don't care AT ALL and then calls u at 2 in the morning telling u they love you. Just be careful cause they don't know what they want. Obsessed with electronic things and sex.
  • Sagittarius female: literally on fire. SHE. TALKS. SO. MUCH. I have so many different feelings about her. Either i love completely or I can't stand her. She pretends she knows everything. She's so slow at doing everything, except talking. Laughs a lot. Very sensitive deep down. So loud.
  • Sagittarius male: Pretty introverted. The fire is hidden. He's a freaking badass. If he cares about you, he will show you. Most likely to call you at midnight for your birthday. Very sweet. Goes big or goes home, especially in love. Both a cinnamon and a sinnamon roll. Like if he ain't in the same political party as you, just don't mention politics. That's when the fire shows.
  • Capricorn female: so. she actually cares about you. but she has so much shit going on so she might forget to come at a place you invited her, she won't even apologize but when something happens to you, be sure she'll call. She's absolutely cute and she has been hurt so many times so it's hard for her to trust people completely.
  • Capricorn male: THE FUCKING FANBOY. He loves to travel and to try new things. He is so shy but with his friends he's crazy. Laughs at his own jokes. Extremely sensitive and when he loves, he loves hard. So intelligent and interesting. Absolutely adorable.
  • Aquarius female: the sweetest. she gets clingy to everyone but because she wants to have friends and do things and has a lot of problems but holds everything in and puts her friends first and she's hurt. The most precious human. She needs, she deserves to be loved the most. Learns very quickly and she's very honest.
  • Aquarius male: the devil™. Actually he is funny, like so many jokes, but sometimes it's just too much. He hates when people offend him. Gets on the defensive. Kinda selfish and cares a lot about like 3 people (?). Like he will kill for them. So much drama, boy. Probably failed history and algebra 2 twice.
  • Pisces female: such a badass and a cutiepie at the same time i don't even know how this is possible. she has such a strong personality and loves her friends. Determined and will fight with her teeth for what she loves. You need to have a pisces in your life. She always says she will kill a person but then she just like run away.
  • Pisces male: like just like the pisces female. Cares so much about his family and shows his emotions easily, whether is anger or sadness or happiness. Determined but also insecure about himself, but will do great things.
🎨✨artist witch aesthetic✨🎨

• May or may not have several paint markings on their clothes and skin
• Determined to have a beautiful book of shadows
• Knows in their heart that going to museums is a very magickal practice
• Finds solace in watching the sky change colors
• Presses flowers in art books

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

** I decided to just post this directly on the blog because I believe every person who has an abusive mother should read this.

1. Everything she does is deniable.

There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)


2. She violates your boundaries.

You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn’t like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs (“Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!”) You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you’re punished for your insistence (“Since you’re old enough to date, I think you’re old enough to pay for your own clothes!”) If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your “independence.”


3. She favoritizes.

Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.


4. She undermines.

Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you’ve done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.


5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.

She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): “You were always difficult” “You can be very difficult to love” “You never seemed to be able to finish anything” “You were very hard to live with” “You’re always causing trouble” “No one could put up with the things you do.” She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she’ll complain about how “no one” loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she’ll complain that “everyone” is so selfish, when you’re the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn’t like as much. She’ll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn’t - the carefully unspoken message being that you don’t matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations (“I think you read too much!”) and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations (“Uh hunh!” “You don’t say!” “Really!”). She’ll then make it clear that she didn’t listen to a word you said.


6. She makes you look crazy.

If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You’re oversensitive. You’re imagining things. You’re hysterical. You’re completely unreasonable. You’re over-reacting, like you always do. She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.


7. She’s envious.

Any time you get something nice she’s angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She’ll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She’s always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They’ll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children’s marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.


8. She’s a liar in too many ways to count.

Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. To outsiders she’ll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she’s confronted with her lie. She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did. If she’s recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. Then when you talk about what she did you’ll be cut off with “I already know all about it…your mother told me… (self-justifications and lies).” Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

To you, she’ll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?” Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn’t respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she’ll start with a self-serving lie: “If I don’t take you as a dependent on my taxes I’ll lose three thousand dollars!” You refute her lie with an obvious truth: “No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You’ll only lose about eight hundred dollars.” Her response: “Isn’t that what I said?” You are now in a game with only one rule: You can’t win.

On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniably. She “guesses” that “maybe” she “might have” done something wrong. The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better. The words “I guess,” “maybe,” and “might have” are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.


9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. “While you’re up…” or its equivalent is one of their favorite phrases. You couldn’t just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you had to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you, or you had to “help” her do it, fetching and carrying for her while she made up to herself for the menial work she had to do as your mother by glorying in your attentions.

A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat. She often invites herself along where she isn’t welcome. If she visits you or you visit her, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn’t want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.

Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. (“Never get old!”) It’s almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you’ve been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don’t provide the audience and attention she’s manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer’s disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age.)


10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain.

This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.” Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you’re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried; she will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she’ll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you’re so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She’s feeding emotionally off your pain.

A peculiar form of this emotional vampirism combines attention-seeking behavior with a demand that the audience suffer. Since narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. She sobs and wails that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, and she doesn’t want to live, she wants to die! She wants to die! She will not seem to care how much the manipulation of their emotions and the self-pity repels other people. One weird behavior that is very common to narcissists: her dramas may also center around the tragedies of other people, often relating how much she suffered by association and trying to distress her listeners, as she cries over the horrible murder of someone she wouldn’t recognize if they had passed her on the street.


11. She’s selfish and willful.

She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn’t worth all the effort she’s putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior. She will make a huge effort to get something you denied her, even if it was entirely your right to do so and even if her demand was selfish and unreasonable. If you tell her she cannot bring her friends to your party she will show up with them anyway, and she will have told them that they were invited so that you either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on your doorstep. If you tell her she can’t come over to your house tonight she’ll call your spouse and try get him or her to agree that she can, and to not say anything to you about it because it’s a “surprise.” She has to show you that you can’t tell her “no.”

One near-universal characteristic of narcissists: because they are so selfish and self-centered, they are very bad gift givers. They’ll give you hand-me-downs or market things for themselves as gifts for you (“I thought I’d give you my old bicycle and buy myself a new one!” “I know how much you love Italian food, so I’m going to take you to my favorite restaurant for your birthday!”) New gifts are often obviously cheap and are usually things that don’t suit you or that you can’t use or are a quid pro quo: if you buy her the gift she wants, she will buy you an item of your choice. She’ll make it clear that it pains her to give you anything. She may buy you a gift and get the identical item for herself, or take you shopping for a gift and get herself something nice at the same time to make herself feel better.


12. She’s self-absorbed.

Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly of her munificence in doing so and will often try to extract some sort of payment. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will effortlessly, thoughtlessly brush it aside as of no importance (It’s easy for you… / It’s different for you…).


13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.


14. She terrorizes.

For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure. You were left hungry because “you eat too much.” (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn’t). You always went to school with stomach flu because “you don’t have a fever. You’re just trying to get out of school.” (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you’re sent to the store in them because “You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them.” (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocain when he drilled your tooth because “he has to learn to take better care of his teeth.” (She has to pay for a filling and she’s furious at having to spend money on you.)

Narcissistic mothers also abuse by loosing others on you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist’s golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoat. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you saw. She effortlessly put the fear of Mom into you, without raising a hand.


15. She’s infantile and petty.

Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you’ll be sorry when she’s dead that you didn’t treat her better. These babyish complaints and responses may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. When you were a child, if you ask her to stop some bad behavior, she would justify it by pointing out something that you did that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. “Getting even” is a large part of her dealings with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves, or you thwart her wishes, she has to show you.


16. She’s aggressive and shameless.

She doesn’t ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she’ll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won’t take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.


17. She “parentifies.”

She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn’t like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn’t buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with “Now that you’re making money, why don’t you pay for that yourself?” You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was “so happy you could take care of yourself.”

She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.


18. She’s exploitative.

She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing. This includes her children, of course. If she set up a bank account for you, she was trustee on the account with the right to withdraw money. As you put money into it, she took it out. She may have stolen your identity. She took you as a dependent on her income taxes so you couldn’t file independently without exposing her to criminal penalties. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. If you brought it up demanding she adhere to the agreement, she brushed you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy her again.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers from an abusive partner. The husband comes home in a drunken rage, and the mother immediately complains about the child’s bad behavior so the rage is vented on to the child. Sometimes the narcissistic mother simply uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is being divorced or having to go to work. The child is sexually molested but the mother never notices, or worse, calls the child a liar when she tells the mother about the molestation.


19. She projects.

This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women’s weight and so accepts her mother’s projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn’t true. However, she will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when she feels shamed and needs to put it on her scapegoat child and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: She makes an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let her have her way. She’s enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you’ll talk about it when you’ve calmed down and are no longer hysterical.

You aren’t hysterical at all; she is, but your refusal has made her feel the shame that should have stopped her from making shameless demands in the first place. That’s intolerable. She can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused her because you’re so unreasonable. Having done that she can reassert her shamelessness and indulge her childish willfulness by turning an unequivocal refusal into a subject for further discussion. You’ll talk about it again “later” - probably when she’s worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you’re more inclined to do what she wants.


20. She is never wrong about anything.

No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” “If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but I there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad.” The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.


21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings.

She’ll occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn’t that she doesn’t care at all about other people’s feelings, though she doesn’t. It would simply never occur to her to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. She beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. She left you standing out in the cold until you were miserable, but not until you had hypothermia. She put you in the basement in the dark with no clothes on, but she only left you there for two hours.


22. She blames.

She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it. If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand - after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She’ll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can’t believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is
Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties.
Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way.
Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault.
Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down.
Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.


23. She destroys your relationships.

Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings’ anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. (“I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I’ll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!”) The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the troublemaking child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.


24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.

When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.

THE SIGNS & HAVING CRUSHES

*i’ve listed many possibilites on how the signs can act around their crush. they may embody all traits or they may just embody some. venus signs may work as well

ARIES: becomes loud around their crush. will sometimes unintentionally become goofy. honestly does not realize how loud and weird they get when their crush is near them. will deny their crush at first, but will later realize and admit to their friends their feelings. smiles uncontrollably when their crush is name is mentioned, or when their friends tease them about their crush. very energetic and excited when around or near their crush. a lot of eye contact when speaking with crush, trying to analyze what they mean, how they feel, or how they react when they converse. 

TAURUS: can sometimes become touchy-feely around their crush. will become different around their crush compared to their friends, either meaner, nicer, shier, or friendlier. willing to try new things for their crush. talks about their crush a lot around their friends but does not admit that they have a crush on them. will sometimes be nervous around their crush. can sometimes be obvious that they like someone without knowing they are obvious. will text their crush a lot. willing to do almost anything for their crush (depends on their level of liking, though). will not open their heart very quickly, which makes taurus crushes somewhat rare. takes awhile to get over their crush. adores crush from afar, but likes to spend time with crush a lot. 

GEMINI: sometimes falls for people they can’t have and will either have their love unrequited or returned. it’s 50/50 for them. they are known to have a lot of crushes. they will have one, drop one, have another one, go back to the first, and so forth. cannot make up their mind on who they like. will flirt a lot even if they don’t intend to. teases crush sometimes. will help crush with their problems. when trying to impress someone new, they won’t show their playful side. can sometimes be fake around crush, not showing their true, full self. will actually tell crush they like them. does not deny feelings. will want to talk to crush. probably texts crush a lot. 

CANCER: will smile a lot around their crush or when they see their crush. likes to talk to their friends about their crush. can either be flirtatious around their crush or nervous. agrees with what they say even if they really, deep-down, don’t. will want to be around their crush a lot and would like to talk to their crush when they are not together. can get very clingy to their crush which either drives their crush away or entices them (depending on their crush’s sign). very sweet and romantic towards crush. can become very sad if crush is unrequited. takes a lot of encouragement from friends to move on. will tell friends about their crush (depending on how close friendship is). will ask friends of crush advice to woo their crush. 

LEO: tries to show off in front of crush. will try to prove they are the best one for their crush. can sometimes be quite seductive. will be very confident around their crush. tries to get attention of crush and can sometimes play games and flirt a lot. would enjoy spending time with crush. can be less self-centered around crush. very loyal to crush. 

VIRGO: tries to make crush laugh. talks a lot around crush to the point where sometimes people can’t understand what they’re saying anymore. very helpful towards their crush. tries to offer advice even if they cannot relate to their crush’s problem. will listen to crush’s problems. generous and helpful. i can’t stress enough how helpful they are with their crush even if they don’t need any help. 

LIBRA: talks to crush a lot but can sometimes forget to reveal crush to friends. if libra flirts with you easily, it probably is not a real crush bc they will become a bit more quiet/serious/shy around their crush. will try to avoid making crush upset or getting in fights with crush. will talk about crush to friends sometimes. will either talk about crush openly to friends or keep it a secret. compliments crush a lot. is silly around or with crush. 

SCORPIO: stares at crush. obsesses over crush and fantasizes about them being together or scenarios that would never happen. sometimes tends to ignore everyone besides their crush. will either have a small crush which is not that serious and somewhat obvious or a very intense crush where they wish their crush was never born because they like them so much and can sometimes be interpreted as hate rather than love. tries to learn everything about crush. can get jealous easily even though they are not yet dating. can sometimes play hard to get (which can come off as ignoring them & being mean) when trying to seduce a crush to see whether their crush will be devoted to them as they will be to their crush. 

SAGITTARIUS: texts their crush a lot. likes to try and get to know their crush better. very energetic around them. laughs a lot at their jokes (whether it’s good or bad) and laughs a lot in general around them. gets very excited and happy when their crush is mentioned, asked about, or talked about. talks to friends about crush but not obsessively. will admit feelings to crush bc they’re just brave that way. can get over a crush easily. can get very excited around or when mentioning crush. will get excited for crush when good things happen to them or will get excited with their crush. super touchy-feely around crush, like super. 

CAPRICORN: will be hot & cold. they’ll be head over heels for them and obsessive one day, and cold and aloof the next. thinks about crush constantly. they have the tendency to acquire short and quick crushes but will not fall in love right away. will always want to spend time with their crush to get to know them. they fall in “like” fast, but they will never fall in love fast. will help crush with anything. tends to stare at their crush when they speak. learns a lot about crush which can sometimes come off as stalkerish. afraid to initiate anything first. denies crush to themselves and to their friends. takes awhile to get over a crush, but does not realize it. will take interests in their crush’s interests. 

AQUARIUS: teases you a lot. will try very hard to hide that they do not like you, which is why they tease a lot. to tell the difference between an aquarius liking you versus an aquarius genuinely disliking you (when they tease), tease them back. if they get angry, then they probably hate you, and if they laugh or tease again, they probably do like you. will be comfortable around crush and will try to initiate conversations. is slow when realizing they have a crush on someone, so their friends may realize it before they do. 

PISCES: tries to make crush smile. very sweet and cute towards crush. very polite and helpful towards crush. can sometimes distance self from crush in fear of the pain of rejection but also because they are not fast to open up heart. takes awhile to admit they have a crush on someone to themselves. will not tell friends immediately about crush. very patient. will be there for crush when they are needed. 

Hogwarts Houses

When you think of Hufflepuff, think of dimpled smiles and curly hair. Think of diverse individuals. Hufflepuffs are more than loyal and cutesy. They’re fierce lovers, passionate, and sensitive. They’re not yellow flowers and sunshine. There are Hufflepuffs that are sad, depressed, angry, grieving, and lonely. Hufflepuffs are loud music, screaming the lyrics and long car rides where you don’t have to say anything, yet you can feel all the conversations between you and the passenger. Hufflepuffs are good at being independent, but can also be lovely company. Hufflepuffs remind me of smirks that change into laughter that rings  in the air, making its way in ripples to the listener’s ear. Hufflepuff is gentle by nature, but not afraid to be vicious and unstoppable when someone they love is in danger. Hufflepuffs are more that ditsy throw aways, they’re accepting, lovable and tough.

When you think of Ravenclaw, think of beautiful braided hair and glasses sliding down the bridge of a nose and painted nails. Ravenclaws are more than lonely, quiet, brains. Their intelligence is a gateway for them to be innovative. They have pride in their minds, but they also see value in athleticism, creativity, and whatever will make them happy. They analyze situations and are ridiculously empathetic. They’re unwavering diligence is what takes them places and makes them lifelong companions. Ravenclaws are blueberry tea, but not in a quiet, dimly lit room, they’re a cup of blistering tea being served to a community of people, uniting and provocative. They’re the smiles that shine on people’s faces when their favorite show comes on, and the ideology to never give up. Ravenclaws are the unity of the sun and the moon, and they’re not cowardly. They’re not people with their nose in the book, they’re better than that, they’re the curious people running their hand over the pages, feeling the text in the ridges of their finger. Ravenclaws are warm sweaters and a feeling of serenity.

When you think of Gryffindors, think of a confident smile, and energy that radiates to everyone in the room. Gryffindors are more than brave and brash. They’re immensely caring beings, with a soft spot for kittens and puppies. They’re charitable, and understanding. They are people walking around, eyes glazing over patrons, making sure there’s nobody in trouble. They’re the people waking up in the middle of the night and tiptoeing to see if their parents or siblings are okay. They’re the tiny creak in the wood floor and the fuzzy socks over cold feet. They’re not loud mouths, rather they’re the reason for the laugh. Their words echo, because they’re unexpected and appreciated. Gryffindors are a breath of fresh air on a foggy day. Don’t doubt their rationale, because they’re always thinking a step ahead. Not every Gryffindor is brave all the time. They break down and have weak moments, but their true characteristic is their ability to bounce back efficiently and not let the past stop them.

When you think of Slytherin think of furrowed eyebrows and bright eyes. Think of delicate hands and smirks. Slytherins are more than coy and cocky people. They aren’t all clever and plotting. Sometimes they’re just creative and think in a  different way. Slytherins are the pockets of friends that will never drift apart, because they get each other. They’re the misunderstood, the daring, the controversial, and the fantastic. There’s not an inevitable evil to them, but an inevitable spring in their step, and quiet intelligence that guides them. Slytherins are the people in the front of the class visualizing the material and going home and practicing in their own way. They’re invested in their own growth, but when they find someone to love they grow for them. They’re not selfish, but timid, and wary. Not all are judgemental and harsh, some are just vulnerable and want to make everyone happy, and realize that sometimes the only way to do that is to be reserved. Slytherins aren’t bullies. Slytherins aren’t out to get you. They’re willing to teach to help others grow, but they won’t be taken advantage of. Slytherins are like black skinny jeans and a need to improve their self.

The hallmark feature of ADHD has always been the inconsistency. Inconsistent engagement, inconsistent performance, inconsistent moods, etc. Activities that were done beautifully yesterday are terribly done today. Usually this is presented in a very judgmental way that the person with ADHD is ‘flighty, unreliable, unpredictable, or intentionally not trying.’
—  Adult and Teen ADHD Information, Dodson ADHD Center
'Negative' Words for the Signs That I Find Positive

Aries: Confrontational, Impatient, Jealous // They are able to fight for the things they want. They don’t like to wait around they want to take action, they don’t like wasting time and in this day and age it makes sense. They are afraid of losing who they love or want their person to be for them only and jealousy is one way they express that.

Taurus: Lazy, Stubborn // At least they don’t stress about every single little thing and being lazy is relaxing and fun sometimes. They believe in what they believe in. I don’t see what’s negative about that.

Gemini: Two-Faced, Restless // They don’t like being confined to just one way of thinking so they explore different opinions on things. They don’t like to be bored. It’s what makes them have fun because they are always doing doing and doing.

Cancer: Emotional, Moody // They know how to feel and how to show it. They feel a lot, and sometimes it’s hard to get their emotions in check so they feel everything at once.

Leo: Vain, Melodramatic // They like to take pride in who they are. They want people to understand what they feel so they exaggerate.

Virgo: Close-minded, Critical // They like to live their life simply and as normal as they can. They like everything to be perfect because perfect is safe it’s normal and right to them.

Libra: Indecisive, Superficial // They’re afraid of making a wrong decision. They like appreciating outer beauty but it’s until they know people in depth that they see the beauty inside too.

Scorpio: Secretive, Resentful, Possessive // They don’t want their personal life out in the open. They don’t like being betrayed and don’t feel like trusting again only to be betrayed again. They love with all they have and expect the same in return.

Sagittarius: Impulsive, Blunt, Irresponsible // They like to do things in the moment. They’re honest but not to hurt people but to express how they feel and what they’ve experienced. They don’t like the pressure of responsibility, who can blame ‘em?

Capricorn: Reserved, Controlling // They choose who to open up to. They feel safe when they’re in control; nothing wrong can happen when they’re in control.

Aquarius: Unpredictable, Rebellious, Aloof // Being unpredictable makes life fun. To defy rules and laws isn’t bad. It’s bad because we are told it is. Being cool and distant isn’t a bad thing, we don’t want to get hurt or we just don’t know how to show how much we care.

Pisces: Gullible, Over-sensitive, Unrealistic // They like to see the good in people. They get hurt sometimes it’s not bad, everyone gets hurt. What’s wrong with being unrealistic? It’s like saying it’s wrong to dream.


[I did this ‘cause I’ve seen these ‘negative’ traits around that aren’t negative at all to me. Just offering a different view of things.]

things that I find to be very attractive

- knowing how to take criticism
- good posture
- remembering small details about others
- making sure you come home safely
- empathy
- rational and valid arguments
- having good comebacks
- flirty banter
- eyes with depth
- honesty
- calmness during a conflict
- supporting others
- experience and wisdom
- independence
- knowing how to get from a to b
- giving good neck massages
- smelling real niceeee
- aspirations and dreams
- deep thoughts about life and death

When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.
—  Lisa Unger
Marks of a Martial Artist

Before my master passed, he wrote a few books about various topics relative to martial arts.
Among these books was his his student manual. In it he included what to expect of the class, the ranking process, terms, material, testing tips, striking points, and history, in addition to other important subjects to cover about a marital arts class. It truly is a thought-provoking and well-written book.

He also included 17 marks of a martial artist. The martial arts are more than just the physical aspects. The mental aspects and way of life is just as crucial.
Each one is different and holds special purpose and meaning. This has helped guide me, show me what to remain aware of and what to aim for– Especially after everything that has happened to me in my journey.
My master portrayed each of this inside and outside of the class room; I hope this helps others as much as it has helped me. I miss him more than I can handle, but his memory and teachings will remain.

1. Enthusiasm:
A martial artist must be enthusiastic in order to achieve success.
If someone doesn’t like what they are doing, imagine the limit that will put on them. Enthusiasm is crucial in order to be effective and efficient. They put effort, and they are happy to do so.

2. Self-motivation:
Self-motivation is what drives one to go to join, go to class, etc. When someone is self-motivated, they will progress quicker as they are in the optimal state of mind and ready to improve. What is important, however, is that one also recognizes this must be done inside and outside of the class room- practice.

3. Self-discipline:
Some people may be wondering what the difference is. Self-motivation gets one alert and started, and self-discipline keeps one going. The example my master provides exclaims self-motivation is the vehicle by which one will strive to maintain a strong and efficient practice. On the other hand, self-discipline is the fuel to remain. It is the willpower to do what one knows needs to be done.
A student who shows up to class and claims to want it and love it in their life, but does not practice or show persistence, is an example of motivation without discipline.

4. Curiosity:
Curiosity, spirit, interest– A martial artist should ask questions because they are thinking. They are thinking about what they are doing and also thinking about what they are thinking about.
“Why do some people have 10 degree black belts? What can I do to improve accuracy? How did this originate? What is the purpose of this movement?”
They strive to go above and beyond what is simply told to them in class. They aim to study on their own, think about it on their own, ask questions. etc.

5. Conscientiousness:
This is when one is aware and mindful of detail, one’s performance, mentality, emotion, and technique. They must also strive to be aware and mindful of what is around them, whether it is with an opponent or not. Additionally, recognizing one’s efforts and limits is important. Going beyond safe limits will be hazardous. All of this is important for improvement, safety, and health.

6. Humility:
With proper humility, they can learn anywhere, anytime, from anyone. Regardless of rank, a martial artist should know that they are not “above” anyone, and that it is not about being "better" than anyone else– it is about self-improvement. Humility is shown whether one is teaching, being taught, or not. They furthermore have no problem deferring to legitimate, well-meaning authority.

7. Sportsmanship:
With the amount of physical contact, possible competitions, and the like, sportsmanship is a crucial part of martial arts. Martial artists should aim to understand that one never truly “loses” if they learn something from every encounter. Regardless, it is not about winning– it is about self-improvement and learning. Resentment, anger, the need to overrun others, etc., is put at a minimum. 
Additionlly, my master explains with sportsmanship, a give and take scenario can be achieved through respect and with what one can teach each other, whether they are a student or a teacher.

8. Cooperative attitude:
Cooperative, not competitive.
My master states, “With a competitive attitude, we feel the need to be superior to others by beating them, and with a cooperative one, we extend a hand so that everyone rises to their fullest potential.”
It’s not about going in the class room and kicking higher than others, hitting harder than others, etc. That may not only cloud one from their own goals and personal progress, but it will also show in their attitude.

9. Integrity:
Integrity is the alignment of actions with words. If one claims to be humble, then they should show such in their actions, and so on. Our choices, must be aimed to align with living the life of a martial artist. There is also a balance.

10. Tenacity:
Another word for perseverance and determination, my master specifically describes, “Persistent, stubborn, obstinate, not easily pulled asunder… these are all different ways of describing the quality of tenacity.”
They aim to break through difficulties and obstacles, and remain determined and persevere while doing so. Board breaking can symbolize such concept.

11. Goal orientation:
This will provide guidance, like a map, to a martial artist. Both short term and long term goals are relevant. While earning one’s black belt may be a long term goal, there must be short term goals to reach it.
If one doesn’t have the short term goal of improving a basic kick, they will not be ready to perform longer term goals with such a kick: breaking boards, jump kicks, and sparring applications.
Martial artists should strive to obtain a foundation and a layer of hard work.

12. Kindness:
My master states, “No status worth having is ever held with any true dignity absent the mark of kindness. Kindness amplifies all other qualities and synergies them to form something that all other marks could not by themselves reach.”
With such authority, skill, and codes of conduct, and representation, kindness is relevant in martial arts.

13. Fortitude:
Whether it is a test, pain, adversity, or temptation, inside or outside of the class room, physically or mentally, one must strives to remain courageous and strong at these times.

14. Resilience:
There will be aspects like such ^ that will try to bend or shape you. One must  have the ability to bounce back from them.
My master states, “If I transform/change, it is because I needed to, and not because someone or something threatened to reshape or break me.”
They remain whole and are in control.

15. Loyalty:
Like integrity, martial artists should strive to show such through words as well as actions. Loyalty to the school, instructor, and other students– they aim for this because they are returning what is done for them and they know the benefits of martial arts.

16. Appreciation:
My master states, “I realize that I can buy an instructor’s time, but I can never buy knowledge or improvement at any price.”
My master taught me how to live– I can show such gratitude by living the way, going above and beyond, and by aiming for humility and many of these other marks.

17. Compassion:
Martial arts concerns itself with the well-being of people. It provides physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional components– as well as a way to defend and benefit others. Having compassion is like the umbrella of martial arts.

Overall, my master made it important to note a martial artist should put forth effort and realistic improvement (inside and outside of the classroom)within these marks, and that one does not have to be perfect.
AWAS. All rights reserved August 2012.

My master states in his other book in a dedication to me:
“If you look for the parallels, you will find that the classroom is a microcosm that represents situations in our outer lives as well. Sparring allows others to challenge us to a higher level of development with friendship and respect – this lesson could serve you well in whatever profession you choose and even in your home life. When we break boards we learn the satisfaction and the possibility of smashing through obstacles that seem to block our way - you’ll need that lesson throughout life. When we perform and refine our forms, we practice a sort of moving meditation that allows us to find stillness in the midst of motion, and to center ourselves within ourselves for our best performance, regardless of what is going on around us - you’ll need that lesson in a very busy world which sometimes threatens to unbalance us with its commotion, activity, and drama.”
-Kwan Jang Nim Chad Boxx, June, 2013