I wish that when someone asked me if I was okay, they looked into my eyes and really asked. And I wish they would know I was a liar when I said I was “fine”. And I really wish that when they asked, they truly cared about my answer. And when I got angry and pushed them away. I wish they would come back and tell me everything would be okay. I wish people really stayed. But people always leave. Maybe I would feel hope again if that one person came and changed my mind. But they haven’t come yet. And I’m still here. Alone and waiting.
Things I think about all the time, but especially today.
I wanna believe in it all again: Music and art, faith and love. And I wanna believe that I made the right choices and that I’m on the right path. And there’s still time to fix the mistakes I’ve made. I guess I want hope.
“I’m just scared .. of forgetting my mum, Anna. I used to have one of her t-shirts that smelled like her and I slept with it every night. Until one day it started to smell more me than it did her. And so I took it out and I tried every detergent I could find just trying to find that smell and I couldn’t. It was gone. And so now sometimes I test myself, you know, just to see if I can find that smell, and once in a while I can but it’s getting harder and harder. It’s bad enough that you’re like really into music, okay, I don’t want to find out you’re an arist, too. Because there are some thing I know I got from her, I had to and I don’t want to change that.”
You know I’ve got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Um, then there’s the music people, like Brooke. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics.
“I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or… just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody’s saying it but everybody’s thinking it– "We have something to believe in again.” I want to draw that feeling. But, I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it then I don’t want to ruin it. It’s too important to me.“