character: arishok

Confession:  I died 4 times in the Arishok fight on normal difficulty. Then I had to lower it to casual and died again. I headcanon that Varric wrote the story of the fight as some incredibly cool battle, when what actually happened was Hawke doing what I did: running endless circles around the pillars and screaming like a child throwing a tantrum evading the giant angry muscle mountain that is the Arishok.

8

submitted by @dannycutebang 

Arishok: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrists?
Hawke: Yes.
Arishok: I was hula-hooping. I attend a class for both fitness and for fun.
Hawke: Oh my god.
Arishok: I mastered all the moves. The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
Hawke: Why are you telling me this?
Arishok: Because no one will ever believe you.
Hawke: You sick son of a bitch.

anonymous asked:

Iron bulls reaction to the warden gleefully telling him all the embarrassing blight stories they have of sten like his love of cookies and playing with kittens, how he frequently talked to the dog because "it was a warrior worthy of respect", his weird sexual tension with a sentient rock, etc

The Ben-Hassrath and the Beresaad are, in many ways, like ships in the night. They both follow the Qun, they both had roles to follow. Once in a while their paths will run parallel to each other, but for the most part spies and soldiers have their own things to do. And that means that, while the Iron Bull was aware that there was a new Arishok - hard to miss it, with the old one being so visibly defeated- the chances of him knowing them are slim.

But that doesn’t mean he is going to turn down first hand gossip knowledge about an essential member of the Qun, and like many of the best tales that the Warden has Bull is not disappointed. Their military leader is a former Sten who has a cookie habit and a fondness for paintings and domsticated animals? Kuslan’s Balls the boy’s in Seheron would die laughing. He thinks it’s pretty damn funny himself.

So long as no one sees him feeding the barn cats. Or tussle with the Mabaris.

–Mod Fereldon

AND HOW ON THE SECOND WEEK OF THE SECOND MONTH OF THE PUNY NEW YEAR SHALL YOU GIFT YOUR ASSIGNED SWEETIEKINS AN OFFERING OF SLAUGHTERED FLOWERS AND PERHAPS A CARD FOR IT PLEASES THE QUN FOR YOU TO DO SO.

AND IF THE VIGILANT DOES CHOOSE A CARD IT SHOULD HAVE A HEART ON IT.  THAT HEART REPRESENTS THE HEARTS OF THE THOUSANDS OF SUITORS YOU ARE PREPARED TO MUTILATE FOR RETURNED, MANDATORY AFFECTION OF YOUR ASSIGNED SNOOKIEBOOBOO.


THEN, AS IT PLEASES THE QUN, YOU WILL READ GLORIOUS QUNARI LOVE POETRY, FOUND ON PAGE 492.  SUGGESTED READINGS INCLUDE “YOUR HAIR IS AN APPROPRIATE LENGTH” AND “I FIND YOU NOT DISPLEASING.”

4

submitted by @pithyrhyme

[Hawke faces off against the Arishok]
Fenris: This is something Hawke has to do for herself.
Hawke: No! No, it’s not!
Fenris: Oh.
[Everyone attacks the Arishok]