chaos error

A spoilerific badly written review of The Fall of Cadia

For @kitty-buu

So we open to an unknown figure awakening and recognizing that the emperor need her again, and that she is being called to battle once more. 

Next we see to Cult Mechanicus Arch Magos Belisarius Cawl arriving on a planet strewn with debris of an ancient civilization. He has been waylaid here by the fickle tides of the warp.  He decides to take a look because he can’t continue with his normal mission. And he gets a super nerdy boner about the artifacts. They really tickle his fancy. However he’s followed by a Ork warlord. Their ships exchange fire in the void and the Orks are defeated. However a large group survive and land on the planet and continue to do orky war because that’s what they do. While the Orks went any good at void warfare they Excel at ground warfare and prove to be such a pain in the ass that Cawl is like “ fine screw you guys, I know you enjoy fighting so I’m just going to leave and take my soldiers with me” but just as he about to leave a Harlequin appears to him and reminds him of a pact they made some 10,000 years before. She says to stay and keep digging. Then promptly disappears. Cawl considers it a moment and is like “OK yeah she’s cool I’ll listen to her” and promptly keeps digging

We now move to cadia where we pick up right after the great opening battle of the 13th black crusade. (This was actually a campaign that GW ran like 18+years ago before they knew how to properly run a global campaign. But it was at the height of their secondary games era where they had a game for space battles, Titan battles (which is actually under development for re release soon)) Basically what happened was Abaddon assaulted cadia but couldn’t take the planet however he did pretty much destroy the vast majority of the imperial forces fleet so he has control of the Cadian gate and currently has his forces pulled back preparing for their next assault.  On cadia we see Lord castellan Creed take command of the remaining forces on cadia and setting up a last defence to hold cadia until reinforcements arrive. However with the black legion so close there is a lot of psychic interference and he manages to get one last astropathic message off, but can only hope someone hears it.

Now we see trazyn sitting at home sipping some tea he probably stole from the Boston harbor when an actual Bell starts ringing in its stasis vault. It’s first ring breaks the vault open by the time it stops ringing after its thirteenth ring it’s cause irreparable damage to his home and killed him 5 time as he tried to stop it from ringing. He gets pissed at it and decided to throw it into the eldar webway hoping it will be as big a head ache for then as it was for him. He decides to go to a place called the celestial orrery held by another Necron dynasty. At first they are suspicious of him because the last time he visited a bunch of their shit went missing “coincidentally” they finally agree to let him look at the orrery under guard. The orrery is a ancient artifact that shows the galaxy 100 percent accurately and he notices that there’s a corruption seeping into the galaxy threatening everything. Trazyn is like hmm I wonder want it would feel like to play hero for a while. He then mentally checks of who would be willing to help him ( it’s no one cause the one Inquisitor he’s friends with got himself killed for some reason and all the other Necron dynasties blame him for them “misplacing” their stuff ) so he decides what’s the fun of collecting if you don’t get to play with your toys and goes into his vaults to find something useful.

now we are back at Cadia where Creed is ready for Abaddon, however he nearly shits himself when a blackstone fortress (a giant space fortress abby stole 400 years ago during the 12th black crusade, and figured out has a giant cannon that fires pure warp energy) anyway the fortress takes position over cadia and the death star starts charging its lazor. Creed quickly tells his tech dudes to fix up the broken anti warp shields which had been destroyed in the earlier confrontations. even with them scrapping everything they can get their hands on while they could maybe fix the shield in their fortress there is no way all the shields could be fixed let alone fix them in time. as time passes the Fortress pulls into position and fires. however like right before that the main array at creeds fortress is discovered with all the tech priests slain and the array fixed with xeno technology. anyway the warp blast dissipates and the defenders are all hurray!!

meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile in orbit over Terra,daemon prince Belakor and Iron Warriors warsmith Hon'shou decide to work together to get shit done. Belakor wants to show up abby cause hes got parental issues, and hon'shou really hates the imperial fists. They open a warp portal to the Imperial fists battle fortress monastery, the Phalanx which is in a geosynchronous orbit around Holy Terra and dangerously depleted of space marines because some asshole imperial fist chapter master decided to take 5 whole companies on a crusade leaving like 30 brothers of the 1st company behind with the 3rd company (which would have gone on the crusade but were considered too green cause they had just been recreated after the last group mostly died/ graduated) (honestly this was so stupid and the imperial fists are like my least favorite chapter now cause they are just so damn dumb) anyway battle ensues and the phalanx is infected with a chaos techno virus and starts turning against the imperial fists, however before the fortress can start bombarding Holy Terra the commander of the fortress decides to use the fortresses weapons to cut away the infected parts and let them burn up in the atmosphere of Terra before deciding to emergency jump to the warp/ however this is a stupid move too because this empowers Belakor and his daemons allowing for more carnage. Belakor manages to corner the surviving astartes in a single room and starts to send his daemonic minions in without plan cause he thinks his daemon power credit card has no limit. unfortunately for him his parents cut him off and he dies,and the phalanx is purged of heretics. literally this happens in like one long paragraph minimal to no detail and its super laughable if not really annoying.  

Back on cadia Abby is upset but sends his right hand man to go destroy the shield array. slaughter commences. over a week the imperial forces get their shit kicked in until just the main fortress is left standing daemon prince MCrighthand man decides instead of listening to abby he wants to get the glory for himself and decides he has to kill everyone on the planet single handedly / Clawley? however this takes so long that the imperial forces rally and start kicking ass again. now MCrighthandman is like oh shit maybe I should do what abby wants so he decides to bum rush the fortress killing the two twin battle sisters defending the doors and disappearing inside. Creed is like OH NOES HES GONNA KILL US IMA SEND 6 WHOLE SQUADS INTO THE FORTRESS AND FOLLOW PERSONALLY.  The fortress then proceeds to promptly blow up killing everyone in it and nearly killing creed who is pulled outside by his body guard/ standard bearer/ (gay lover…. Maybe) (seriously they have a vaugely implied relationship that goes beyond command friends… he probably lets the guy polish his rod of command if you know what i mean) Creed is upset and decides to return to the battlefield. as he turns around to go to battle a aide hands him a parchment/ talisman paper with the words “Teh Emprah Protects” on it. Creed gets really fuckin pissed and pulls his gun on the guy and starts berating im for beleiving in miracles. setting up the most painfully obvious next thing to happen…

also meanwhile back on dirtplanet nowhere belisaurius Cawl goes EUREKA!!! He figured out that the unknown structures were 1 very old (duh) 2 Not Human (no shit) and really important (OMG KILL ME) but he needs to go to Cadia now where he was supposed to be earlier cause he has a package to deliver. anyway back to the slightly less painful stuff.

SAINT CELESTINE THE LIVING SAINT lands on the battlefield and starts blessing everyone. BUT WAIT! THATS NOT ALL!! SHE BROUGHT FRIENDS!!! while traveling through the warp somehow ( its not explained but shes basically a holy demon of the emperor at least thats kinda implied) she acted as a beacon for the Phalanx and a Ship carrying an entire battle skwad of bolter bitches (sisters of battle) Who have been missing for 1400 years in the warp but due to wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff in the warp they are just exhausted after an abnormally long warp trip. The sisters of battle start deploying on Cadia and the daemon prince crawls out of the fortress ruins and sees celestine. (apparently they have history cause he immediately says hes gonna kill her) Celestine is like come at me bro and starts  dueling him and resurrects the twin battle sister warriors as her battle hand maidens. anyway they have a menage e quatro and he dies. Creed is all thankful for her intervention but is worried cause now the Blackstone fortress can destroy Cadia.

 Now the Phalanx does some cool shit. It enters into battle with the Chaos fleet all by itself and manages to destroy the Blackstone fortress. the only reason this is possible is because of a small blurb from earlier where a group of space wolves decide to try and sneak aboard it but we are led to assume they died before they got there. (however if anyone had ever read a 40k book before they would have recognized this and known that they would have succeeded) however it was a major chaos ship and the writers afraid of showing too much favoritism decided to write it that apparently the fortress wanted them to succeed to it helped them. (cough bullshit cough) anyway the fortress explodes in a warp storm that either destroys or removes 1/3 of the chaos fleet (cough more bullshit cough) it looks like the day is saved and maybe cadia will survive

Now abaddon is pissed cause hes been denied his goal multiple times. However he doesn’t need to control Cadia he just needs to destroy it. but instead of being a sensible villain he decides that hes going to destroy Creed himself cause it was him that stopped his victory. So he predictably starts planning his ground assault. This gives the imperial forces time to organize and deploy defensive stratagems. in this time Belisaurius Cawl (henceforth B.Cawl) arrives on cadia and is like oh shit whats happening! he lands and joins the defense planing and tells everyone that the Cadian Pylons are important at keeping the warp at bay and maybe he can do something important with them. so Creed and the rest of the commanders decide to deploy in a way to defend the elysium pylon fields. B.Cawl proceeds to start digging at the base of one looking for something. meanwhile creed and the rest of everyone organize a defense of the fields preparing for the inevitable chaos attack. well the chaos forces end up attacking and the imperials do what they do best. Die but kick some but in the process. 

B.Cawl is at the base of the main pylon and he hears a noise behind him, thinking its the eldar harlequin he says I was expecting you *insert eldar name here* but when he turns around its not her! Gasp! its Trazyn! Double Gasp!! Then trazyn utter the best line in the history of 40k “ I mean you no harm, are those the correct words? i find that no matter which i use, no one ever beleives them… wait what did you call me?” B.cawl immediately gets edgy and activates his weapons and stuff but as soon as Trazyn says that he can tell Crawl how to activate the pylons , cawl is all like ok cool dude lets be friends. anyway the fighting continues outside the cavern of the pylon but inevitably the chaos forces break through the lines and break into the cavern. Abaddon arrives with his elite guard and Creed and celestine also arrive not to be outdone Trazyn is like here let me help you and he throws out his pokeball and an army of ultramarines from the horus heresy , an inquisitor and her retinue pop out.  Cawl finishes his ministrations on the pylon and all of a sudden all the pylons on cadia activate and shoot a beam of light into the eye of terror all of a sudden the eye of terror begins to shrink!! (OMG) 

during all this fighting The Inquisitor (Katarinya Greyfax) is appalled to see the imperium worshiping an idol (Celestine) and that there are psykers using their power against the chaos forces (Greyfax is also a psyker and a hypocritical bitch) and she decides not to join in the fighting going so far to consider killing saint celestine (even though its quite clear that she is the most effective person on the battlefield as she is dueling with Abaddon and her aura is allowing the imperials to perform feats of strength even though they haven’t slept in like 2 weeks and have been fighting nonstop) she turns around to walk away and trazyn is standing in front of her, she immediately tries to kill him but he has necron nano machines in her body that prevent her from trying to harm him. he gives her a scolding and tells her to get her freaking priorities straight and she decides to enter the battle.

 Now with the pylons banishing the warp around cadia Celestines divine power is drained and she is struck down by abaddon. this allows him to march over to Creed and grab him by the throat. instead of choking him immediately he starts a monologue about how hes such a mastermind and that even if they defeat his forces on cadia he will be able to win. He promptly gets stabbed in the back by a resurrected Celestine. he starts screaming and runs away to his flag ship and says fuck it im gonna do what i should have done earlier.

Abaddon then signals some engineers he snuck onto the largest remains of the Blackstone fortress and they activate some plasma drives that send the remains hurling towards Cadia. the Impact obliterates an entire continent, sinks another and destroys the cadian pylons. mean while the continent that creed and them are on starts to splinter and crack. The imperial forces start to retreat into space realizing that cadia is lost, the warp starts to engulf the planet and doom starts to set in. Creed decides to stay behind and cover the retreat of everyone else who successfully escape the planet but due to the turmoil in the warp they cant warp away so they have to fly away the slow way. however Trazyn deciding that hes had enough playing savior pulls out his master ball and catches creed for his collection. 

Cadia is transformed into a daemon world and the imperials are in full retreat. however one of Abaddons sorcerers asks why they arent chasing the imperials, abaddon says that they aren’t worth it. but then the sorcerer is like but what about the relic in the Mechanicus ship. abaddon is all like what relic? the sorcerer tells him. but not us ( OMG WE GET IT THERE ARE SECRETS IN THE 40K UNIVERSE TELL US SOME OF THEM ASSHOLES) abaddon promptly gives chase. most of the imperial ships manage to find a stable warp corridor and warp away. however an extremely lucky shot from extremely long range manages to bypass the shields of the mechanicus ship knocking out some of their engines. aboard the ship B.Cawl is like oh nose the pact i made along time ago with someone mysterious to deliver this mysterious thing that i’m not telling the reader about wont be fulfilled I have failed. then celestine is like hey i had a dream about this well something like this head towards that planet there. B.cawl then sets course for the planet and they escape onto its snowy blizzardy surface. the book then proceeds to spend 4 pages when they could have just said “ the imperial forces were hounded for days as they fled into the mountains and just as all hope seemed lost and abaddon came to claim the infuriatingly mysterious thing a bunch of Craftworld Eldar, Harlequins, and Dark eldar show up and save the imperial forces and take them to safety in the webway.”

The End 

 oh also they mention someone (i think) new in the last page its basically a eldar that looks like a mix between dark eldar and normal eldar this might be a new character but im hoping its a certain Asbrubael Vect (its probably not) they dont mention the name they just have a picture with him going all wheres waldo in it.

also they recently teased new eldar models on a warhammer painting video so theres that to squee about.