change over the years

Flipping through old Halloween albums trying to decide which costume to recycle because I sure as hell ain’t buying a new one this year. I can’t believe I used to fit into this. Things sure do change over 5 years 😂😂 saw this and dug it up, prepared to get pissed. If I learned how to not breath then I might be able to pull this off like I once did…

butchpower  asked:

lemon tart & chocolate chip cookie!! :^)

lemon tart: how many languages can you speak? 

If I’m being totally honest? One. I have some very good conversational Urdu and some alright Tamil and like…high school German and French but I’m probably always gonna be a uncultured monolingual American in practice

chocolate chip cookie: how has your life changed over the past year? 

GOD it’s been a year! I had a hook up that turned out to be not only the best sex I’ve ever had but one of the most important nights of my life. I started dating the woman of my dreams, who happens to also think I’m the woman of hers. I took an incredible internship overseas that completely changed my understanding of my talents and capabilities, and very possibly my career path. I started calling myself femme at the gentle investigation of my partner, which grounded me in my body and desires and culture and led to me meeting some of the best people in my life right now. The man who was until then the central focus of the entirety of my adult life died and I dealt with all the fall out. I moved across the country, I got a new car, I took a new job, I started applying to school again. I aged out of teenagerdom. I’m Out now moreso than I’ve ever been, at work and to almost all of my family and everywhere online, including facebook. I’ve done very dumb and scary things, I’ve intervened to protect people, I’ve tried new things and gone new places.

I’m an adult, I’m in love and I admire myself more than I ever have. I’m more clear eyed, I’m smarter, I’m better read and reading more every single day. I’m more forgiving and more firm. I’m more disciplined. I’m more balanced. And I’m really, really proud of myself

butchcommunist  asked:

Chocolate :) chip :) cookie :)

chocolate chip cookie: how has your life changed over the past year? 

This year I found out that, even though she’s smarter than me and hotter than me, and even though she’s more experienced than me, and even though she’s more amazing than me, and even though she’s hundreds of miles away from me, the most stunning butch in any room is in love with me. She trusts me, she adores me, she takes care of me. She treats me more gently than any woman should be able to. She might want to spend her life with me.

This year my life changed when I figured out what kind of woman I must be if a woman like her loves me.

It Takes A Long Time To Get Over Yourself


Oh, man. This letter has taken me an embarrassingly long time to write. Probably because I haven’t written anything but e-mails and Tweets for 12 years.

If the last year has taught me anything, it’s this: it takes a long time to get over yourself.

Last March, after 7 years on the road, I decided to take a break. I was excited about this. I’d imagined myself watching tv all day, being a “chill person”, eating doughnuts because I didn’t have to wear latex catsuits anymore. The reality was not quite the joy ride I’d been expecting.

I’ve been an artist for over a decade but up until this year, I hadn’t realised how much my sense of self had been defined by my role as an artist. I’d never thought of “Marina and the Diamonds” as a persona or a construct, and I didn’t think the stage-me was very different to the sofa-me. MATD was an exciting vehicle that helped me express ideas and thoughts to people. But just as people construct online personas, artist construct visual ones, and over time, the lines between art and reality can drift apart. 

I can’t remember when I first became conscious of it but I started to feel like there were two parts of me, artist self and private self, and there was nothing in between to link the two anymore. I was one or the other, and neither part of my personality could be present in the same environment. Perhaps because I’d spent most of the past 8 years devoted to being an artist and this hadn’t presented many opportunities for other parts of my personality to grow. When one part of a personality dominates, other parts shrink and life can take on an unreal, two-dimensional quality. I felt confused as to why I no longer felt like I fit into the world I’d built. I don’t think my feelings are exceptional (particularly in entertainment) but I wonder if you are someone who has experienced this in a different context.

I’ve always been interested in identity. In my twenties, I felt frustrated by how regularly my identity seemed to shift and change until I began to consider the idea that a fixed self may not exist. I explored this in “Electra Heart” by deconstructing aspects of female identity in a portrayal of female archetypes. However, the past year has made me re-examine this idea. Not being able to equate my identity to a job, project or visible entity has created a lot of discomfort and uncertainty in me. Which has been a surprise, as I thought I felt secure in myself. How can I be so sure of who I am if I am so susceptible to change? A lot of what contributes to our idea of identity is down to pure chance - ethnicity, social class, upbringing, religion, job, relationships - who are we without those influences?

Everything in western culture feels so geared towards self-definition, but I wonder if having a looser idea of yourself could make life richer. The past year hasn’t been full of rainbows - I feel like my brain has been brutally rewired - but letting go of a perceived idea of myself has resulted in a new kind of personal freedom. My image is no longer a main source of identity, nor are previous signifiers like clothing (more on this in a future post), designer brands + other things I subconsciously used to define myself.

Lasting change rarely happens over night. This past year has been painful and slow. But I’m in a more genuine space than I was a year ago and I would never want to go back to that stunted way of being again. In fact, the only solace I had in this period was being able to read the books and blogs of other people experiencing significant life transitions, so I hope this might be of help to anyone who is going through a similar stage.

Truth is, I’m not planning ahead much right now. I am indeed going through my “what should I do with the rest of my life” phase that most people go through at 21. Which is… cool. But I’m grateful to have the opportunity to explore different interests, and starting marinabook is a part of that. I’m starting a Psychology course soon, which I am SO excited about, and I’m ready for a brand new chapter. I hope you’ll be a part of it.

Some people have been asking about new music and I’m always flattered to be asked. I know one year is like an aeon in digital time! The honest answer is I don’t know when that will be, but the connection I have with music has always flowered from an honest connection with myself, and I trust my instincts. Whenever I get back on stage again, I would love to feel like I am the sum of my parts, not the sum of a persona or an image. That’s the goal. A lot of reality with a little bit of fantasy. So, marinabook is a way for us to stay connected while I work that out.

I miss you all!

Ask a question or share thoughts here.

Love from,
Marina

Further Reading

Brilliant explanation of personas here. 5 minute read.

Podcast on how our views about the Self affect our views on death.  By “Philosophy Bites”.  15 minutes.

Illustration by Lan Truong

Top 20 Larry fics in 2016 over 100k by kudos on Ao3

* criteria; completed in 2016 and not part of a fic series

1. Soft Hands, Fast Feet, Can’t Lose by dolce_piccante for docilelou
2. California Sold by isthatyoularry
3. To Be Loved To Be In Love by Angel_Dust
4. Shake Me Down by AGreatPerhaps12
5. Nameless Night by green_feelings
6. wings to break your fall by karamelised
7. Hiding Place by alivingfire
8. Time Bomb by ThisSentimentalHeart
9. Fight For Me by Mie1412
10. Bloodline by banana_louis
11. Never Be by cherrystreet
12. And You’re My Ever After by NiamJenn1994
13. Luscious blood by Deidei
14. run away home by hattalove
15. Into the wild by Deidei
16. Lights Will Guide You Home by louisxharry1
17. Only You Can Be My Alpha by wubwubnparmaham
18. Fake It Till You Make It by thealmightyavocado
19. Dominus. by SS98
20. you are in love by wildestdreams

In this month of pride, let me give a shoutout to all my LGBTQIA+ people who have changed how they identify over the years. To the people still trying to figure out their identity, even if they thought they found one that fit.

You’re no less part of the community if you first identified as a lesbian, but now ID as a straight trans man. You’re not any less if you first identified as bi, but now consider yourself gay. You’re not any less if you identified as a binary trans person but now have a nonbinary identity.

Don’t let anyone convince you that you had to have known you were a certain way since you were a child to be valid. Don’t let anyone convince you that because your label could change in the future, you aren’t welcome. Don’t let anyone convince you that you must identify a certain way.

We’re all growing and learning about ourselves and maybe what fits today won’t fit a decade from now, but that’s okay. You’re not a bad person for not immediately having perfect knowledge of yourself. You’re not a fake because your identity has changed.

age & queerness in fandom

I’ve seen a few threads recently arguing that adults don’t belong in digital fan spaces because tumblr and the like are for young people, and I’ve finally put my finger on why this perspective unsettles me so much: because it perfectly mirrors the argument that queer adults - or queer things in general, really - are a creepy, corrupting influence on kids. Given how queer so much fandom content is, especially online, this might seem counter-intuitive, but one of the biggest culturally conditioned fears we have is that there’s something inherently predatory about older queer folx interacting with younger queer folx, because obviously queerness is inherently sexual and therefore something something power dynamics, right?

But the thing is, we’re missing a huge chunk of what should be the visible adult queer community because of the AIDS epidemic, ostracism, suicide and other shit like DADT that keeps or kept people closeted. Which is a big part of why so many younger queer folx don’t know queer history, or have only a passing acquaintance with it: because so many of the people who ought to have handed that knowledge down are missing or dead, or were otherwise kept from speaking. Which is why, in turn, we keep seeing resurgent waves of queer discourse - again, on places like tumblr - where younger people are, without knowing what came before them, both reinventing the wheel and making sweeping, inaccurate statements about their (very truncated view of) community history.

Because that’s the thing: for any culture or a community to survive, you need someone to transmit the history. Adults, elders, historians, senior figures, whatever - you need to keep records, you need people who are invested for the long haul, and above all you need a sense that what you’re building is important or worthwhile enough that it deserves to perpetuate itself. The community itself might change over the years, along with its dominant philosophies and expressions, but these are shifts that happen, not because knowledge has been lost, but because it has increased.

And look. I could go on a whole separate rant about how Western society is increasingly age-segregated in a bunch of unhealthy ways, and why that’s warping our collective memories. The idea that Teen Stuff and Adult Stuff shouldn’t overlap hasn’t sprung up in a vacuum. But fandom is not, should not be and never has been equivalent to the ephemeral, viral shifts of kid culture, the hopscotch games and nursery rhymes and songs and slang that children transmit to each other and then immediately outgrow, so that all subsequent reminiscence of them is detached from participation or up-to-date knowledge, unless obtained secondhand.

Not all adults in fandom are queer, nor is all of fandom queer. But online, in contexts where we’re talking largely about fanfic/fanart rather than convention spaces, and where there’s demonstrable overlap with other areas of queer and feminist discourse, fandom is one of the few arenas in which queer adults routinely interact with queer teens. And particularly knowing there are people in fandom who express a love of queer ships but discomfort with IRL queerness otherwise, it does not sit well with me to see a “But Think Of The Children!” argument being used to suggest that the people who create and maintain fandom are acting inappropriately by doing so.   

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Finally drew a new blog header for myself! ^ ^ Everyone is happy and no one is dead, yes? ;D

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[Part 2/3] Continuation of the Reiner x Geek!Connie au (x)

Still can’t believe that I actually did part 2 and it’s not even finished. Part 3 is still in a VERY slow process. Haha. ha. 

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modern gods  → aphrodite

she stopped romanticizing the idea of love long ago. she has seen the damage and harm people have caused in the name of “love.” aphrodite travels from shelter to shelter, offering tender words to the people she finds there. she’s discovered that one of the greatest pleasures in her long life is helping others. 

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