champagne

John is Infertile and Knows it: A Crack Meta

So a lot has been going on lately with the Baby Watson drama. But we know John having a baby isn’t in the books and neither is him settling down for long with a wife. So how is BBC Sherlock going to walk clear of this one? Well, they introduced David, Mary’s ex, the fact Sherlock can tell a baby’s real father just by looking at them, and also how Mary is a liar and a “cat lover” – “cats” always standing for red herrings in every ***single*** mention on this damn television show. So really, this baby isn’t sticking around. Because John isn’t the father. Not only is he a million years old, he’s been coded as infertile since they introduced Mary.

A symbol of fertility often found at weddings is the rose petal. Most often red would be the color used to promote fertility, while white is a symbol of purity. White is the color of John’s rose. Now look at this still photograph. The confetti/petals are spilling from John’s white flower and spraying everyone but him. John’s petals look like they’re exploding all over that priest and the priest is just dancing in the onslaught. John’s pure “flower” cascading to pieces. Wilting. Breaking apart symbolically. 

And this is the face of a man who did NOT think it was possible he would get a woman pregnant by accident.

Earlier we even saw this plastered on his face:

Yeah, that’s the name of the person who got pregnant via third-party intervention. She was pure, she did not conceive a child through sex. She needed that divine spark. 

The idea of a sterile military man was written back in The Blind Banker. @adoroslashare brought this to my attention months ago:

“’Combat made me sterile’ Claims Army Major” – for those of us who can’t see for shit. Random line? Just coincidence? Maybe. But John’s an army man and they love their mirrors, so, let’s not count it out. 

Next up is the Mayfly Man. We all have read the metas by now equating that Mayfly Man and the locked-room mystery to John’s infiltration of Sherlock’s heart – but what about the actual flat? What did we find when Sherlock was clueing for looks? 

Wood and egg. The two things it takes to make a baby. 

But what else was right beside them?

The biggest symbol for male virility in Western culture.  Notice how it’s fucking DEAD.  

Kind of reminds you of this guy:

Oh, you know, just the symbol for male virility dead on the wall hanging there every day. That room most often associated with John. 

How about another symbol of sexual appetite? Of male orgasm? Of fertility?

Champagne. 

Doesn’t take a consulting detective to see how Champagne associates with male virility. Fucking James Bond practically swims in it.

What the fuck – Billy Wilder showed up in this champagne research???

What the fuck?? How the fuck did this accidentally turn into a gay meta?? Why is Billy Wilder everywhere?!?! What is going on?? I feel more confused than Will Ferrell on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy.

^^^^^^^^ Actual photos of me right now.

Billy Wilder’s accidental interference aside, John knows its possible he’s not the father of that baby. However, he won’t know for sure until she’s born and she can be tested. Perhaps a miracle has occurred. Until then he waits nervously to see the fate of his “new family”.