chalk social

graysong  asked:

hey i'm sorry life is being hard on you right now!! im going to b able to talk more in half an hr or so, and this is only kinda a prompt, but what r ur autistic viktor hcs?? what do u think his fav stims r?? how does he deal w sensory overload? hang in there <33

!!!!!! this is about young vitya but honestly everyone is more than welcome to ask me about my viktor headcanons omg

okay so my autistic viktor headcanons for, like, pre-jgpf because holy shit this got long:

-his first stim (+ special interest!) is ice skating, but not just the movement of his body- he absolutely loves the sound of blades on ice and the clean noise it makes? when he’s little, he kicks into the ice just to hear the sound (once he starts jumps, they become his favorite because of the noise. he likes the movement, sure, but the clean scraping is so beautiful and he still loves it

-another one of his stims is braiding/combing/playing with his long hair!! he loves keeping it soft and shiny and the way it flows back when he skates really fast

-his early life doesn’t really lend itself to sensory overload much- yakov’s house is quiet and he doesn’t skate in front of unfamiliar/big crowds that much

-which means his first big sensory overload, at the age of 14 at his first gpf qualifier, is a Mess

-he doesn’t know he’s autistic yet at this point because all of his coping mechs and stims are neatly integrated into his life- he has a training schedule and nutrition schedule that he sticks to, he’s so tired out by the time he gets back to yakov’s apartment that he thinks the too-bright lights and little noises are just him being cranky and tired instead of sensory stuff, he doesn’t have much of an opportunity to talk to people his age because Skating so he chalks up the social awkwardness to that

-so when he first walks into the massive stadium with all of the Lights and People and Noises and Smells he honestly nearly throws up from the immediate headache he gets

-yakov finds him in the skaters lounge with his training jacket over his face and hands clamped against his ears and immediately assumes he’s nervous (it is his first big competition, after all)

-he ends up falling a lot during practice, but once yakov is able to get him to a private session, with dimmer lights and less people, he starts doing better

-this is when yakov begins to notice things- the way viktor drums his fingers against his thighs, his strict adhering to schedules (or complete lack, nothing in between), the way he ignores himself for skating (viktor will literally forget to eat and drink water if he’s too into a routine, especially when he’s younger)

-he scores 4th in his first jgpf qualifier bc the crowds drown out the sound of blades and everything is Bright

-yakov buys him a tangle afterwards and it helps. he soon finds out about those little handheld puzzle games and he always has one in his skate bag

-he also loves spinner rings, because theyre small and he can wear it while he skates

-he starts practicing with the recorded sounds of crowds in the background so he can get used to it. he never quite does, but it helps

-he comes in 2nd in his second qualifier and doesnt make the final, but he’s still really proud of himself

-then, yakov asks if he wants to try helping choreograph his programs, thinking that maybe the control over his movements will help

-a new special interest appears- not just skating, but /designing/ routines that not only look nice, but sound nice

-he’s 27 and his favorite noise is still the clean scrape of blades on new ice

Why am I doing this blog - long version

The one year anniversary of my blog was last week, so I think it’s a good time to post this. Thanks so much to all my followers, my hate-followers, and the people who reblog and keep this conversation moving. It has meant so much to me!

A very perceptive (mtf) reader of my blog contacted me privately, and politely asked about my motivations for why I’m doing my blog, and also wanted to check that I was “ok”. Anon, thanks for checking in! Also, since I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary, it’s probably a reasonable time to take stock.

First, let me address the ok part. I am ok! In fact, I’m pretty great. My relationship with my mom is better than it’s ever been, my dad and I still get along great like we have for the last 15 years, I’m finally close to my brothers again, I don’t have to worry about money any more, my health is better than it’s been since I was 20, and I love my job. Except for being single (which does make me sad, I can’t lie), that’s called winning at life! When I was 20, and older friends told me their lives got better after 30, I didn’t believe it. But it’s really true! If you are a teenager or in your twenties, please remember that it really does get better.

My relatively happy life may come as a surprise to my readers, since I use my tumblr as a place to both discuss politics, and to dump all my trauma, hurts, and bad feels. Also, I have occasional (haha) angry outbursts. It may be hard to understand, but the very reason I’m able to directly address the trauma, hurt and bad feelings now is precisely because of the relative stability and happiness of my life. That pot is deep and the longer I leave the cover off the more it boils, contrary to the laws of nature. The last time I really tried to address what it meant to be trans, in 1999, I wrote 250 pages of a book, and then had a nervous breakdown. So I put the cover back on the pot for 15 years. But that certainly didn’t make the hurts go away - if anything it made it harder to deal with later! But it has to happen at some point.

To give some more context, I went through a major life change three years ago, where I moved across the country. I was really sold on the “trans as birth defect” narrative at that point, and I thought “This is it, I’m leaving behind everyone who still knew me from earlier in transition, I’m going to leave my past behind. Maybe I could even have a long term relationship with someone and not have to tell them about my situation!”

It was really good for my self confidence and self esteem to be somewhere new. When you’re trans, and you don’t quite know how to behave, so people react to you weird, it can be hard to tell which parts are because you’re just not behaving right, and which parts are because the person clocked you and they’re making your life unpleasant on purpose. For a long time I had been chalking my social awkwardness up to being trans - but I realized really it was mostly because I was a slow learner at social rules! When I started jogging, everyone stared at me. Then I realized it was because I didn’t have the right outfits, so I bought running tights and a white hat. Then I fit in! Ok that’s easy.

Except at the same time, two things happened in my life. The first was that I got outed by a people search company, and suddenly my birth name was coming up as an aka for my legal name all over the internet. It definitely wasn’t from “public records”, since my name change was from 20 years ago and definitely not in electronic form. I transitioned all of my paperwork pre-world wide web. It was a big learning experience - I learned that now, just as in the past, the best way to deal with bureaucracy as a trans person who (mostly) passes is to either lie, or to find sympathetic people who will take care of your records without leaving a trail, or (in the case of medical records) will just leave your birth sex off of your chart and give you an alternate diagnosis. Telling the truth on a background check form is just setting yourself up for misery! I eventually got my info off of the internet but it took many many hours, several strongly-worded letters, and a lot of phone calls.

The other lesson I learned from the internet outing is that if you are going to actively engage with the world, there is no such thing as deep stealth. And needless to say, a person’s ability to pass can change over time. Trans women have no guarantee for the future! Which is something that’s on my mind more often, the older I get.

The other thing that happened in my life was I made friends with another mtf in real life. I had a lot of mtf friends in the 90’s, but after a (black) mtf friend got murdered and a bunch of white furries, people with multiple personality disorder, intersex wannabes, and “pre-transition trans women” used her death to advance their political agenda about their pronouns (aka the TDOR started) I dropped out of the community altogether. The (white, middle-class, educated) trans community were a bunch of appropriating assholes living in a fantasy world, or even if they had a grip on reality they supported the other white people living in the fantasy world, and the (black, working-class) trans women I knew were involved in a really dangerous lifestyle. I loved hanging out with them because they were real people trying to live authentic lives, but I realized I wanted to live, and getting wasted and smoking crack wasn’t conducive to that.

In the intervening years, I made some very close female friends, but I never discussed my situation with any of them. I assimilated, I hung out with straight people, and I acted conservative. I focused on addressing the main problems in my life (inability to have a job, lack of qualifications, history of fighting with people and being oppositional for no reason other than emotional immaturity). Things got a lot better in my life!

But when I moved, I got lonely, and I realized I needed somewhere to talk about the trans part of my life, because actually the birth defect thing didn’t really make any sense. I was still trans, and it was never going to go away. I identified an mtf “friend target” from trueselves, and eventually we became friends irl.

Being her friend has been really fun! (btw, hi mtf bff, when you read this!) We would go out to fancy restaurants and bond about traumatic middle school teasing. We’d dress up and go out dancing. We’d have picnics and get drunk in the park. We went out to a dive bar and did karaoke. (“Everyone’s going to think I’m a man when they hear me sing,” she said, “but I don’t care!” What a great attitude.) We’d hang out at gay bars, and I would try to flirt with these super hot gay guys except they’d ignore me completely. Haha oh well. And of course, there was a lot of gossip and sex talk.

It was also challenging. I remember the first time she referred to me as a “trans woman”, I was horrified. “I’m just a woman!” I thought. But actually, it’s much more complicated than that, after all that’s why I sought out her friendship in the first place!

Through being her friend, I started to get involved in queer politics again, via osmosis. And what I started hearing made me really uncomfortable. Trans activism had gotten even more out of control than when the TDOR started. It wasn’t just white pretend intersex and pre-transition trans women appropriating the violence against trans women of color, who were out 100% every day of their lives. That’s so 90’s! Now, it was literally insane people like Allyson Clarke yelling so loudly at (female) women that their fists were shaking and the veins in their neck were bulging, all because “penis is female you f#cking b!tch!”

I hit peak trans really really fast. Once I actually opened my eyes, I saw through all of it. Over the course of a week or two, I read every post and every comment on gendertrender. At first I thought gt was a hate site. Then I realized I was just ashamed that other males claiming to be “the same as” me were using their claimed “trans status” as a get-out-of-misogyny-free card. The bullying, death threats, rape threats…I just couldn’t. Seeing fifty year old men in two dollar wigs pat each other on the back after they’d “school” a lesbian in an online forum for not understanding feminism was just too much. You have got to be fucking kidding me!

Over the last year, I actually started talking about trans activism with my mom. It was hard for my mom to accept me when I first came out in high school. But later she became really supportive in a totally uncritical way, and was the faculty sponsor for the gay-straight alliance at the school where she taught. She seemed to believe in the birth defect concept of trans, though certain things clearly made her uncomfortable - like the idea of trans women breastfeeding. But when I told her about some of the really abusive behavior of trans activists, she was horrified. The attacks on Suzanne Moore, Colleen Francis’s indecent exposure, and Natalie Reed’s planned protest against the Montreal Massacre Memorial. My mom isn’t a feminist per se - she doesn’t like to make waves - but she’s not dumb either.

We don’t talk about this a lot - maybe 30 minutes each time I visit, and I only visited a few times over the last year. But for whatever reason I feel like it opened up a new phase in our relationship, where not only is there more honesty between us, but a more open and free love. Mom I know you don’t read this, but I love you! Thank you!

I also started talking about my experiences as a transsexual, and trans politics, with my two closest female friends. That was a scary step to take but I’m really glad I did. I’m closer to both of them now than ever before. Bff’s 1&2, not sure you both read this but anyway I love you both!

Doing this blog has been really helpful for me. I am grateful for the connections I have made with other females and other trans women, both online and irl, over the last year. I am grateful that so many readers have reached out to me, sharing their experiences and perspectives. And I’m grateful that other people have found some of these thoughts and writings helpful.

My blog is a gender-critical blog. I know it’s hard to read for a lot of trans women. If you aren’t ready to read with an open mind, that’s ok. Please keep thinking, and please come back later. I also critique the behavior and words of a lot of popular trans woman activists. I’m not doing this to try to pump myself up (I’m anonymous after all!), or say I’m better than anyone. Honestly, I was making a lot of the same anti-woman arguments, and doing other appropriative bullshit,  twenty years ago! That’s why I’m so over trans activism now. And I’m definitely not choosing to target trans women simply because they’re “more popular” than me. I could care less about that - I have plenty of friends in real life!

All I want is to foster a more honest and open conversation, and work with other women - both females, and trans women - to find a way of reducing the harm that gender is doing to all women - both females, and trans women. That goal should be central to trans activism, except that trans activism has turned into a male sexual rights movement with an anti-woman agenda, built on appropriated narratives. That has to stop.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and productive new year. God Bless.

In middle school, Lawrence suffered from mysterious abdominal pains that doctors chalked up to stress. “Socially, it’s so hard-core,” she says of being a teenager. “There are all these peers judging you, and you’re never cool enough, never wearing the right outfit, saying the right thing. You don’t get out of middle school. You don’t get out of high school. There are always going to be people saying you’re a slut because you went out on a date on Friday, or you’re a bitch because you didn’t call somebody back because you have a life. I want everyone to like me. Who doesn’t [want that]? But if they don’t, you’ve gotta move on. Then you grow up and become famous, and it’s the same thing multiplied by a billion!”