Warnings: Angst, swearing, graphic kinda, drinking etc.
“Don’t leave please Joji it’s lies. They’re trying to ruin us can’t you see it?!”
That night was so painful, clearly from the booming headache wracking in my head. I drank so much, raided every crevice in my ruined apartment, I gotta get used to saying my now…given he left for good.
My knuckles were bruised from punching my door, tears dried on my cheeks as I sat in the middle of my living room, empty.
So fucking empty
Clock smashed, clothes thrown across the bedroom, bed sheets covered in puke and blood from my ankle. Carelessly, I had thrown photos all over the floor, the frames smashed on the floor like disturbed decorations. Eyes bags littered my face, sore and red lips from blood and screaming. Scratches prominent on my arms, I had hyperventilated and had no one to calm me down.
I gotta get used to that too.
A knock at the door brought me to my senses, I perked up and dragged myself to the battered door, splinters of wood from where I had punched that too. Running my fingers through my hair, I wiped my face with my hands and reluctantly opened the door.
“Hey…” I croaked, my sore throat clearly obvious. His smile died down after he took in the scene of ou-my apartment. Sighing, he walked past me and set down the white bag and called in Max and Chad.
“Jesus Christ, did he-”
“No he left before my hyperventilation started, I’ve trashed the place and haven’t been fucked to move from the sofa since 2am.” I spoke, brushing the creases of my jacket out. A faint buzz came from Max’s phone, a familiar name lit up.
“Where’d he go last night, is he at yours?” I asked, concerned about his wellbeing. He left me yes, and god it hurt for him to believe this bullshit, but I still cared of course.
“He left to get pissed up about ten minutes ago, we dropped him off on the way here.”
God that hurt.
“Why aren’t you with him, I’m fine.” I groaned, rather embarrassed about the state of myself and the apartment.
“Yeah, clearly.” Ian huffed, running his hand through his hair. I winced at the prodding of my food, a shard of glass cutting the heel. Brushing it off, I pondered at the things I could do forget. Until I thought about it a little harder, why not just do what I do best…drink.
“How you guys feel about getting pissed tonight? I don’t need some dumb counselling session right now I just wanna feel good.” I groaned, looking at my reflection in the toaster.
“I’ll go get a shower and I’ll get dressed and we can hit up a bar and get fucked.” I smiled, waving and closing my bedroom door behind me to escape into the shower. I never thought I needed a shower this bad till now, washing the blood and sweat off of my body relieved all the kinks in my back from sleeping on the wood floor of the living room. Scrubbing at my scalp, I soothed my headache to become more numbing.
“Don’t lie to me, you clearly like Ian just fucking leave.”
“Why would I? Baby I love you and you know this.”
Wincing, I shook my head and stepped out of the shower, drying my body and carefully dabbing the cuts and the wound on my foot. After debating what to wear, I picked out a burgundy dress, just resting on my lower thigh. It was shoulderless, long sleeved with a choker. I plastered my foot and tugged on some socks and my black, chunky heeled boots. Moments later, I dried my hair and tousled the curls and applied some makeup.
Before opening my bedroom door, I heard the murmurs of the boys conversing rather hushed.
“We can’t leave her like this, she’s a wreck she’s just covering it dude.”
“I don’t want her alone tonight, it might do her good.”
“True, just wish this didn’t fucking happen man…I’ll try and get a hold of him later maybe…”
Sighing, I opened my door slowly, applied a fake smile and grabbed a couple notes from my pot and slipped it into my purse.
“Let’s go lads!” I cheered, their cheers following. This was gonna be rough. Rough as the drive to the bar, they avoided all questions about last night’s incidents and spoke of new video ideas. Ten minutes passed and we finally made it to the rather popular bar.
“Shots!” Me and Max chimed, Ian giggled and found us a booth as we waited for Chad with the shots. Max went for a piss so it was me and Ian.
“Did it hurt…”
“Did what hurt Ian?”
“When he left, I didn’t wanna bring it up I just wanna know. He loves you so much I know he does-”
“If he did he wouldn’t of left. I get it, it’s not the first time I’ll just push through somehow…I don’t fucking know.”
“Guess who got shots, ya boy did!” Chad exclaimed excitedly, I couldn’t help but chuckle and avoid the concerned look from Ian. Max bounced over with his phone in hand and a great big smile on his face.
“Smile boys!” He laughed, snapping a good photo and uploading it to Twitter, rambling about how good we looked and how were were the new NBA , the usual random shit. Max’s phone lit with a familiar number but I just ignored it.After chugging alcohol for about half hour with random conversations, Max and Chad bounced to the dance floor. I played with my empty glasses awkwardly, enjoying the loud music and the aesthetic of the bar.
Ian clearly was itching to join the boys.
“Go, enjoy yourself, somebody gotta look after our shit anyway.” I spoke softly.
Reluctantly, Ian ran to the boys and I smiled. My buzz cut off as the alcohol began attacking my mindset, it fucking hurt. Depressing noises from a cliché love song filled the bar.
I met you in the dark You lit me up You made me feel as though I was enough We danced the night away We drank too much I held your hair back when You were throwing up
“I love you baby, so much.”
“I love you too-”
God that fucking killed, a dagger to the fucking stomach over and over. The memories of him, his beautiful chocolate eyes, the lines where he smiled, the feeling of his hand on mine, his chaotic humour and insane ideas. The way he’d wake me up at 4am with a coffee and a brand new idea for a video or a snippet of a song he was working on.
Then you smiled over your shoulder For a minute, I was stone cold sober I pulled you closer to my chest And you asked me to stay over I said, I already told ya I think that you should get some rest
His crazy hair and the way it would stick up if he slept funny so he’d always lay flat with my head on his chest. His plump lips against my skin and the way they mold into that iconic smile, that led to a radiant laughter that could fill a stadium with cheering.
I got used to that smile.
I knew I loved you then But you’d never know Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go I know I needed you
The second the boys met the booth, I bolted out of the bar, tears running down my cheeks as I clutched my phone to my chest. The music pounded as hard as my heart, it felt blood was gonna pour out of my ears.
Shakily, my hands typed in his name and I clicked ring.
Ring, ring, ring.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much please, I need you please It was all bullshit I need you. You don’t even need to love me back but you just need to know…I need you to know that I adore you so much. The rumours got to us It shouldn’t have please Joji I love you so much.”
He hung up.
I know I needed you But I never showed But I wanna stay with you Until we’re grey and old Just say you won’t let go Just say you won’t let go
I heard sniffling from behind me.
There he stood. A deep blue hoodie covering a white tee, black jeans and white vans. His eyes were heavy with red circles. I pushed my phone into my pocket and he pulled me into his arms, I cried hard and his sobs trembled as he smoothed the top of my head, pressing a kiss to my hair.
“I’m so sorry I’m so sorry-”
He kissed me hard as tears covered our faces, salty trickles meeting and falling. God it fucking hurt but it was relieving at the same.
“I’m so sorry for everything.”
“We can work this out, all of this it’s all gonna be okay.”
I’m so in love with you And I hope you know Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold