Dead Men Tell No Tales Review with A Huge Effort to Not Spoil the Entire Film
POTC5 IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS POTC3 I LAUGHED AND CRIED AND JACK IS HILARIOUS AS ALWAYS AND BARBOSA IS PRETTY COOL AND GIBBS IS STILL BESTIE GOALS AND WILL TURNER IS STILL A BABE AND CINNAMON ROLL THAT NEEDS HUGS AND ELIZABETH IS SO PRETTY AS ALWAYS AND THEIR SON HENRY IS A BABE AND A LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL THAT NEEDS HUGS AND CARINA (hope I spelled the name right) IS A PRECIOUS LITTLE NERDY BEAN AND THERE IS A CLIFFHANGER AFTER THE CREDITS THAT LEFT ME FUCKING S H O O K E T H
How to shatter you abhorrent admirer’s ego without even being present: A guide by Elizabeth Swann
You will need:
Yourself; a stong, independent woman and the stealth protagonist in a grand adventure. You will do what ever you damn please and not be tied down by anyone else’s expectation, even if they are by your loved ones.
A nerdball; a man who despite his rugged good looks is all around adorable and sweet. You love him with all your heart and you would die for him without question, just like he would for you.
Step one: Identify your admirer, this should not be hard as he will most certainly put the moves on you in the most sleazy way.
Step two: Reject him for your nerdball. This of course, will not make your admirer stop pursuing you, he’ll always be conviced you love him deep down and he’ll always think the nerdball in unworthy of your affection.
Step three: Smash that, and do it multiple times just be sure you get knocked up. If you aren’t going to be separated for a long ass time, it’s not crucial that you get pregnant right away, however this method packs a bigger punch if you and the nerdball have to be torn apart for years.
Step four: Pop out his kid and raise said kid to be self-sacrificing and heroic but don’t even bother to tell him about your admirer. As you and the nerdball are both visually flawless, your kid is guaranteed to turn out handsome.
Step five: Send your stunning lovechild on an adventure which will lead him to the admirer. Upon identifying himself to the admirer he will have unintetionally revealed how much you love your nerdball. The admirer will then, of course, ask if you talk about him and your child will then with his response unintentionally reveal how little the admirer’s affections mean to you.
If you’ve managed to pull all of this off, regarless of time in between the steps,
You’ve successfully sat that motherfucker down in the most cold hearted way possible and you didn’t even have to be there for it.
Now you just have to await your nerdball’s return and have fantastic reunion sex.
“One of the most interesting things about Elizabeth Turner was her Kiss of Death. Throughout the trilogy, all of the men she locked lips with has died - including Sao Feng in At World’s End, and (if you want to be petty about it) her father, Weatherby Swann. Usually they would die moments after kissing her for the first time. This excludes Will Turner who has kissed her several times before and beat the odds every time. However, even he succumbed to her kiss and died as well minutes after the two were hastily married by Barbossa.
This is most likely a just coincidence and not something that was intentional, but years later it’s still fun to point out to friends and watch a dawn of realization hit their face when they realize that Pirate Queen Elizabeth may have also been the Grim Reaper.”
I just don’t get people who argue that Elizabeth loving Will and rejecting Jack is unfeminist?
To Will it never mattered if Elizabeth loved him back, he loved her so much he was 100% willing to die for her, even if that meant she’d be with another man.
In the first movie, he sold himself to an army of the undead, then dueled against them for her sake, even though he knew she was engaged to someone else. He confessed his love not because he was expecting her to return his feelings and run away with him, but because he wanted her to know incase he died.
In the second movie he risked himself again, living through hell on the dutchman for the chance of saving Elizabeth from being hung. And when he thought she no longer loved him and had fallen for Jack, he decided: “oh well, I’ll bring Jack back from the dead, if it’ll make my loved one happy”.
In the third movie there is a bit of a devide between them of course, Will’s heart is still a bit wounded after the kiss, yet he still throws himself head first into danger for her sake, protecting her from gunshots in the battle in Sao Feng’s bath house. He also tries to protect her form being sold to Sao Feng, sure, Elizabeth sits him down and tells her it’s her choice, but he’s not arguing with her because he thinks she should do whatever he asks of her or something like that, he’s fearing for her safety. But in the end they reconcile and marry.
And what the fuck did Jack do? Hit on her and refused to take no for an answer. Sure Elizabeth danced with him in the first movie, but her only motive was to get him to sleep so she could burn everything for a chance to get rescued whie he wanted to just drink himself to death. And how did he respond? He tried to shoot her and had to muster up all of his will power not to. Yes, she toyed with him in the second movie, but she wanted to see if he had enough humanity not to come on to a engaged woman, and he wound up pulling away. Had he not however, she would’ve without hesitation killed him on the spot I assure you that. As for the compass pointing at him? It has been confirmed that it was pointing at the letters he had on him. You know, the letters to Will’s freedom?
So please tell me how it’s unfeminist for Elizabeth to marry Will, an unironic nice guy and not give a shit about Jack, a drunk player who’d toss her aside for the next girl he lays eyes on.
Not sorry but if the new pirates film isn’t about the Pirate King, Captain Elisabeth Swann Turner, sweeping in wearing an incredible pirate outfit on the level of this, to save her man from being Davy Jones and carrying him out of the flying dutchman bridal style as both their crews cheer and their wedding theme blasts in the background then what’s the actual point.
I honestly don’t need more new basic characters or more jack sparrow goodbye.