Milan: Part 1
“Move a little bit to the left.” click, click “Stand closer together infront of the building.” click, click “One more.” click, click. After taking two hundred pictures while I was traveling through Milan with my friends I started thinking “Hey, I know what Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt feels like or better yet, I know what an Asian tourist feels like!”
I hate fucking pictures.
But for now, that is what will dominate this next two blog posts. First I will talk about the inner guts and beauty of Milan then who knows! I haven’t reached that point yet, maybe after I take more shots of “Ron Abuelo” I will know the answer of that question, but now to the topic in hand…
A city so rich with history that it would take books hell even encyclopedia’s to fully document the entire cities lifetime. Being founded in 396 B.C. by the Celts one can see that the city has lived through its share of wars, renaissances, and Italian drunken debauchery that would make any world leader proud. I for one have always loved this Italy and to go visit this masterful place has always been a dream of mine. Interesting enough the population it is not that much. Only boasting around 1,303,000 people, for me this was a surprising statistic to know, I expected at least three million people. Anyways who gives a fuck about numbers and shit! Show me the wine, beer and the fine Italian women, since we know that this is their only current currency since they are so bankrupt they make Ireland look wealthy.
Getting to Milan was a long experience, but once we got there the group of seven that went there ranging from more nationalities than the U.N. has to offer got off the train and was ready to hit the streets get into a strip club, start doing lines of a strippers ass, and get into a fight with a bouncer because he called you a sand nigger. When we got there we spent around an hour or so walking around the streets of Milan lost and scared of what was going on like a bunch of passengers in the Costa Concordia. However after our Indian friend asked a few of his countrymen on where the fuck the go we finally arrived at our first monument (by luck).
(Ladies don’t stare at the handsome men in the picture focus on the building in the background.)
Stazione Central de Milano. Once you see it from afar you think “Eh whatever” start getting close you start to think “Is that a ten foot tall in the roof of the train station?” yeah apparently the Italians in 1906 said: “We have a monetary budget on this train station? Well Vaffanculo! I want horses so realistic you can see their balls dangling off the roof!” So they did. However what still astonishes me it’s the sheer size of this monstrosity. You see some cute little train stations in Geneva that are like “Aww that’s nice!”
“Jajaja fuck off! We will make the roof three hundred feet high, five hundred feet in length and some other dimensions that I could make up as well!” Not only that the astonishing detail that you can see in this place is amazing. I mean look they have statues! Some people might not appreciate that now and days but think about it. How many buildings do you see with architectural detail as much as this? Oh wait I know of another one.
(Look I included real life Italians in my picture and they aren’t shitfaced either!)
This is the Duomo di Milano. Construction started 1386 and guess when they finally finished constructing it, in 1965. That is right it took six centuries to finish this beast of a detailed building. Can you imagine the architect and the workers thinking “Oh by next month we should be done, easy.” Six centuries and generations upon generations of waiting this illustrious cathedral to be built waited for it to be fully functional, you know equipped with their own revolutionary “Child Confessional: Where the priest takes good care of the children’s orifice while you are away.” After paying six Euros to have the absolute privilege to climb two hundred and ninety–three steps to get to the top we finally got to see up close and personal the cathedral, and boy was it worth it.
See that shit? You see the ridiculous detail in this building? I bet you anybody reading this has never done anything in their entire life with this much detail and dedication….but they also took six centuries to put this much damn detail into it. Can you imagine the poor Italian that had to chip and mold those statues in there? What about the poor fucker that dropped a statue, because he drank too much communal wine during service and forgot to hold onto the rope while they were placing the statue on top of the column? I am sure he got a flogging and a good old fashioned ass raping by the artist.
(Look ma my patron Saint is staring at me while I shower!)
Again as you might know by now, I love history and architecture masterpieces like this. I am a sucker for detailed projects like this and for good reason, urban works of art should be cherished and respected for the value that they not only add to the people but society in general. People from around the world will come and travel here to see this cathedral and spend money around the place which in turn brings revenue (and we all know that Italy desperately needs the money). For me, I would gladly go see a building like this any day of the week instead of going to go see the latest stripper with the new boob job at the local watering hole. However there is something that aggravated me that the Italian’s allowed to be made in such a historical district as this one…
No not the old building, but that new out of place white add-on that they made on-top of a historical building. I am all for renovation and pushing forward for the future, but why the fuck would you damage an image like this? Wouldn’t this picture be ten times be better without that fancy restaurant or jerk off bar? It is like having a blister on your lip, you just don’t want to see it and you don’t want anybody else to see it, so fucking remove it. But still this is one of my favorite pictures that I took while in Milano. But the beautiful part is the inside of Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II.
Come inside to the most famous open mall of Milano. Here you will find any kind of shop from Louis Vuitton, Prada to…what the fuck are the people doing there?!
(Yes stomp on my balls! My biggest turn on and my lifelong wish! To have thousands of people stomp and spin on my balls for good luck!)
I saw a group huddled around this mosaic and was blown away by this little tradition. People (great majority women) would come place their right heel and spin three times on the bulls balls for good luck. Yes this makes sense, but again does majority of traditions make sense? I mean look at the Easter Bunny. But after having the two girls from our group destroy this poor bulls balls, they asked us to do it, and like any normal men we refused to. Sorry I wouldn’t want anybody pulling off a Michael Jackson on my nuts so I won’t do it to this poor bull.
After walking through here and taking even more pictures we ventured off into the square and saw this asshole.
(I have an amazing skill! I put on make-up and stand still like a douchebag while you give me money!)
This man would not normally aggravate me but what did the trick to me it is hearing somebody say: “This person is very skillful.” This is when my ears started bleeding uncontrollably, and I wanted to kick the stool underneath this white asshole’s feet, to see him break a leg and make me happy again. How is standing like an idiot a skill? Does that mean taking a shit for longer than an hour a skill as well? I mean we are both being patient while we achieve our benefit. Except for this guy people give him money, what even aggravated me even more is down a block or two ahead we heard a man playing the saxophone and that’s when I said: “This is a skill, not that white freak over there.” Shortly after we took a right and got to heaven.
(This is what the Italian’s call their dicks “Panini’s”)
We got to this little shop that is called “I Panini della Befi”. This was the best food decision we have done in our entire trip. For people who don’t know what a Panini is, it’s a regular sandwich that is made with ingredients twice as better than Subway and taste ten times better than that shit place. We got three different kind of Panini’s between five of us to split which came up to be around sixteen Euro’s. I won’t go in detail of the ingredients that each Panini had in them, but just take me for my word that I flashed back to the past and saw Dante writing “The Divine Comedy” and witnessed Leonardo making another masterpiece. The flavors complimented each other beautifully, the ingredients were fresh and the company to share this meal with was outstanding. Could have not been any happier if I tried.
After stuffing ourselves we then walked around some more and found one of the most gangster statues of a legendary man that you will ever see.
(“All my bitches love me, you aint fucking with my Dougie” –Leonardo Da Vinci)
This man the symbol of what Italy was and could possibly be again got erected (Pun intended) one of the most gangster statues I have ever seen. If just by this statue I would judge Leonard Da Vinci I would think that this bad ass was the King of Italy at one point or a fearless general that saved the entire Italian peninsula. However as we know it is otherwise. After taking some pictures with what even Dr. Dre would say “The Godfather of Gangsters” we went off to go eat with the rest of our clan at an authentic Italian restaurant.
(Ristorante Nabucco! We know how to fuck up our national food so badly that it will make you want to run to the nearest “Macaroni Grill”!)
We went into this little shinning beacon of hope. It was decently filled up, and had more seating space than San Siro. So we were all optimistic about the place. So we all sat down and went on with another fucking photo shoot (now I know why celebrities wear sunglasses). We each ordered our food and enjoyed a nice bottle of red wine (we are in Italy). Then our food comes, everybody is ready to get to Nirvana and reach a higher plane of life….little did we know we would be grossly disappointed. Overpriced, no flavor, and the quantity was poor. I wanted to flip the table and stab the waiter with the corkscrew right in the jugular, how do these fuckers pride themselves on calling themselves an Italian restaurant and serve this as food? There was only one plate that was decent and that was the pasta a la carbonara which takes a five year old to make! Fuck it we left paid and went to go hurry up to our next destination San Siro….
But that is another story that will be talked about in the near future, I think you have had enough of my anger for one post today (and read enough as well).