cereal-box,

I have seen the light, I am now anti-snep, Snuffles-groovy-doghouse and I have come to enlighten you about why your fave is problematic: Totally 100% Facts NOT AT ALL MADE UP about Severus Snape

  •  He finishes off the cereal and leaves the box in the cupboard.
  •  He leaves the toilet seat up so that when you pee at midnight you fall in.
  •  He texts while in the cinema.
  •  He talks on the phone in a crowded train.
  •  When you hand him your phone to look at one picture, he scrolls through the whole gallery.
  • During an exam, he clicks a muggle pen the whole time.
  •  As a professor, he never covers what is on the exam. 
  • He tells everyone how he is vegan within 5 mins of meeting them.
  •  He loves puns.
  •  He vanishes only one of yours socks, so you can never match your socks again.
  •  He refuses to use non-organic gmo potion ingredients.
  • When he is in Cokeworth and using an automobile, he NEVER uses turn signals and takes up 2 parking spaces when he parks, AND honks just .2 seconds after the light turns green. 
  • He stops liking a band because they are popular.
  •  He reads your text message asking a question and you know its been read, BUT he doesn’t reply 
  • He assigns homework over break. 
  • He double dips after he’s slobbered all over the food.
  •  He tries to sell Avon/Mary Kay/It Works to the other Hogwarts staff in the breakroom. 

I mean I could go on…… 

Totally not sarcasm

The Hogwarts houses as vines I love

Gryffindor:

“BRUH first of all I look good in this shirt, and second of all I look good in this shirt, and third of all I look good in this shirt so tell me I don’t look good in this shirt”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP KYLE. NO, WHAT DID YOU SAY. STEP THE FUCK UP KYLE”

Slytherin:

*misses mini golf hole* *jumps into pond*

“So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties”

Ravenclaw:

*pours lemons out of a life cereal box* “WELL WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS!”

“come to del taco they got a new thing called… FRE SHAVACA DO!”

Hufflepuff:

“aye 69 cents you know what that means…” *tears up* “I don’t have enough money for chicken nugget”

that one where the guy is sharing a lollipop with a snake

I got horrible grades since 4th grade so whenever I see one of those “GIFTED KID CHECKLISTS” and I agree w every single point I’m just….YALL have depression, it’s not lingering echoes of potential from your 6th grade cereal box book report

And so, it begins. Let’s watch, shall we?

We get some vibrant opening credits, featuring incredible names such as–

Sam Register… which is either checkout at a Sam’s Club, or a catalogue of Samuels and Samanthas…

…and… um… Keef Bartkus?

As Tom Servo would say, “that’s not a name, that’s a bad Scrabble hand!”

We see a car that looks like someone combined two pickup trucks… a tractor…

…a plane… and a big ol’ rectangular cereal box, all into one vehicle.

“Try all-new Planetrucktractor O’s™ – an important part of this nutritious breakfast.”

Shaggy is running a food truck, which has a menu featuring some… uh… 

…questionable items?

Whoa, and the first customer actually orders the mysterious “Skinny Man’s Dead Meat on a Bun,” which costs $9 on the menu?

…and he then hands Shaggy–

–a single dollar bill,

–which Shaggy gladly accepts as payment, apparently thinking it’s worth nine dol–… 

*deep breath*

*something inside snaps*

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS

WHAT IS GOING ON

WHAT IS ANYTHING, IS THIS REAL LIFE

I’M SO CONFU–

…ohhhhhhhhhhhh. 

…ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy.

Well, folks, here we go again.

Colin