VMHQ Character Week: Mom’s Edition
Jeff Ratner, here. Employee of the Neptune Grand, and all around
seeker-of-truth. I will NOT be your VMHQ
Character of the Week - Lord knows, I have enough to do trying to retrieve salt
shakers from the Penthouse suite - but when I overheard the librarians talking
about dedicating the week to the mothers of Neptune, I couldn’t keep my mouth
Here’s a warning for VMHQ - DON’T DO IT!
We, at the Neptune Grand are still skimming pearls and Percocets from the pool after this morning's…debacle.
If the editors of the Neptune Register had bothered to ask me, I could have warned them that bringing together Lianne Mars, Celeste Kane, Lynn Echolls, and Alicia Fennel for their annual Mothers Day Issue was a recipe for disaster.
But of course they didn’t. All they see when they look at me is a lowly bellhop. Unwise, on their part.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men (or in this case, women)? JEFF RATNER knows.
Some of us don’t have trust funds, so I signed-up for overtime to help pay my college tuition. Just my luck, they assigned me to pour drinks and buss tables on the hotel restaurant’s patio.
To put it nicely, these women are real pieces of work.
Allow me to offer you a small glimpse of what I had to deal with as I refilled their Bellinis (over and over again):
Lianne Mars: What do you mean, I’m not the Character of the Week for Mother’s Day?
Celeste Kane: The librarians mentioned some drivel about comparing and contrasting the mothers of Neptune. Personally, I don’t think I should have to share. I was in more episodes than the rest of you. I was in the movie!
LM: As the woman who raised and shaped the moral character of Veronica Mars, shouldn’t I get top billing? The show isn’t titled, ‘Duncan Kane’, after all.
CK: Clearly, from the overall lack of breeding and manners.
Alicia Fennel: Honestly, do you guys really think you’re entitled to be featured for Mother’s Day? That might require you do some…I don’t, know, mothering?
CK: I’m an excellent mother. Duncan’s many accomplishments are proof of that. And shouldn’t you be nicer to me? My husband signs your paychecks.
LM: I may not have always done the best by Veronica, but I’m her real mother, and she knows I love her.
Has-been B-Lister, Lynn Echolls beckoned me
over, waving her hand haughtily at a
tray of appetizers.
Lynn Echolls: Excuse me! How many carbs are in these? Swimsuit season is just around the corner. Also, I need a refill.
Kindly, I refrained from pointing out the carbs in her sugary cocktail, and what do I look like? Nutritionist on call?
I was saved from having to answer by the sudden appearance of Rose Manning on the patio. She didn’t stay long. Catching sight of the other women, she hissed “Fornicators!” turned on her heel and departed.
CK: Well, that was uncalled for.
LE: Somebody isn’t getting any at home.
LM: Deborah Hauser’s hairdresser’s sister goes to the Manning’s church, and apparently, they’re sleeping in twin beds these days.
CK: I have to wonder what she’s doing at a hotel in the middle of the day.
In a rare moment of solidarity, the women toasted Mrs. Manning, tipped back their glasses, and returned to their squabbling.
LE: Logan is my pride and joy, and–
AF: And what a fine example you’ve set. He organized Bum Fights.
LE: He’s just spirited. And anyway, kids misbehave.
CK: Speak for yourself. Duncan is a model child.
AF: Misbehave? Yes. Getting charged with murder repeatedly? No.
LE: Model child? Duncan was also suspected of murder.
LM: Suspected? He contracted a hit. Not to mention, you know, kidnapping.
CK: There’s no proof, and if you make one more slanderous accusation like that, I’ll sue.
Allow me to break from this accounting to remind you, the followers of VMHQ, that the word 'allegedly’ works wonders in avoiding frivolous lawsuits.
So go ahead, analyze away. In fact, I look forward to reading your meta and head-canons about the
Hot Messes Mothers of Neptune.
AF: Of course, certain things would become public record if you went the legal route. The press doesn’t care about the results, as long as they can air the dirty laundry.
CK: You’re one to give mothering advice.
LM: Yeah, wasn’t Waldo suspected of a hit-and-run? Guess my husband’s good influence didn’t rub off on him.
AF: Are you really going there? My son’s name is WALLACE, and he was innocent.
LM: Didn’t I say Wallace?
CK: Sure you did. Have another drink while you’re at it.
You know who needs a drink after all of this? This guy.
You know who doesn’t? Lianne Mars. I got a peek inside her handbag while I was refilling her glass, and let’s just say, it contains the entire mini-bar contents of room 188, as well as the key card.
In fact, didn’t I see Mr. Kane heading up
to that room last night?
LE: Logan was innocent, too, you know. Every single time!
AE: You mean the kid who was bashing a car with a tire iron the first time Wallace met him?
LE (sniffing): Don’t pretend to be some paragon of motherhood. Didn’t you lie to your son? Telling him for an entire decade that his father was dead?
AF: I did that in the name of protecting him. Maybe you should take a page from my book and try it yourself sometime?
At this point, I escaped for a quick smoke break. I don’t actually smoke, but I considered taking up the habit. Or cyanide.
When I returned, the women were still going at it.
CK: Well, at least Duncan is smart. Your son is only getting into college because he can dribble.
AF (shrugging): Mine dribbles. Yours drools. What can you do?
LM: She’s not wrong. Have you considered getting him checked out? You know, medically?
CK: HOW DARE YOU! Where was this concern when you allowed Veronica to date him for a year, knowing they could be siblings? One mistake, and imagine the children they could’ve produced. If I hadn’t intervened, of course.
LM: Intervened by telling Duncan the truth? Or by having my daughter followed, and mailing me threatening photos?
CK: I do what’s necessary to protect my family, no matter how unpleasant. You, on the other hand, abandoned your daughter at the first sign of hardship.
LM: Well, at least I didn’t ice down her corpse.
Even the frosty Mrs. Kane has a breaking point, and this, apparently, was it. She grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be Lynn Echolls’ giant statement bag, and began swinging it at Lianne Mars.
Ms. Mars knocked back her chair and stood. She lifted her
arms to protect herself, but was forced to retreat. Celeste Kane beat back her rival, and Lynn
Echolls trailed after them, gathering her possessions and whining.
LE: My Prada flask!
LE: My wallet!
LE: My Blackberry!
Backed up against the pool, Lianne Mars
attempted to fight back, but she was no match for the enraged Mrs. Kane.
I’m sure you can predict what happened next.
Just as Lynn Echolls was trying to wrench her handbag from the hands of Celeste Kane, Lianne Mars lost her balance. She grabbed for the first thing available (Mrs. Kane’s pearl necklace, for the curious).
Three obnoxious women hit the water with a SPLASH. Moments later, they surfaced, sputtering and shrieking.
LE: MY PILLS!
LE: THEY’RE PRESCRIBED!
Alicia Fennel materialized at my side, speaking the words of my heart.
AF: Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch.
She shook her head in disgust, then handed me her glass, toed off her shoes, and ran towards the water yelling “CANNONBALL!"
Right about then, was when the photographers from the Neptune Register arrived, followed by half the sheriff’s department.
So anyway, if you’re still here, Mothers of Neptune week runs from May 15th through May 21st. Post your gifs, your fanart, your fanvids. Post your meta - about a single character, all of the characters, comparing/contrasting, nature vs. nurture, you get the idea.
This is your opportunity to tell the world who these women really are - not just the shiny packages they present to the world. Don’t let me down!