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Moffat Era Rewatch: The Husbands of River Song

River Song needs help from her husband to murder her husband, except she doesn’t know he’s her husband…

Warning: Spoilers Sweetie 

  • This is my favourite festive special after ‘A Christmas Carol’. 
  • I think we can all agree that Twelve makes the best signs. 
  • Nardole. I can say with certainty that I am not a member of the Nardole fanclub. I don’t detest him, but feel he’s not as funny as the show clearly thinks he is and was an unnecessary addition to season ten.  
  • Love how they got the biggest hood they could find to hide Alex’s enormous hair. 
  • This is the face of someone who knows they are going to get lucky tonight. 
  • “RIVVVVAAAHHH!!!” He’s just so happy to see her. Assuming ‘The Name of the Doctor’ was the last time they were together, it’s been close to a thousands years since he last saw her. 
  • “How do you know me?” “Well, it’s a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.” Having River not know that Twelve is the Doctor is one of the best ideas Moffat has ever had. 
  • First and only time Alex Kingston’s name has been in the opening titles.
  • “Yes, that’s who you’re married to? Not anybody else?” Aww, he’s so jealous.  
  • “You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion.” I’m not at all surprised to discover that River had sex with a giant robot body. 
  • Twelve’s reaction is priceless. This is the best episode for Capaldi reaction faces.  
  • “There’s something in his brain.” “You could have fooled me.”
  • “I basically married the diamond.” Do we count the diamond as one of her husbands?       
  • “You’re talking about murdering someone.” “No, I’m not. I’m actually murdering someone.” 
  • Her second wife. Who was the first? 
  • Sonic trowel. Brian would be so proud. 
  • “We’re being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!” He’s having so much fun right now. After what he just went through he deserves this. 
  • I’m always amazed by how Alex has instant chemistry with whoever is playing the Doctor. This is the only time she and Peter have worked together on the show and yet it feels like they’ve been doing this forever. 
  • Jealous Twelve is the best Twelve. 
  • Damsel!
  • That look when you realise your wife has been going behind your back with your wife. 
  • “Oh. My, God!” This is probably Peter Capaldi’s finest moment as the Doctor. 
  • “My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever.  Sorry. I’ve always wanted to see that done properly.”  
  • Not only has she been stealing his TARDIS she’s installed a drinks cabinet! 
  • He still can’t accept that River is a better driver than he is. 
  • “You’re very quick.” "Yes. For a Doctor.” “Yes.” “Seriously?” Like I said, this is the best episode of Capaldi reaction faces.    
  • “Does sarcasm help?” "Wouldn’t it be a great universe if it did?”
  • “Is the gentleman here for dinner?” "Yes, he is.” "Excellent! I’ll have the chef prepare him immediately.”
  • Only the Twelfth Doctor could look at River in that dress like this. 
  • “The man who gave me this was the sort of man who’d know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.” *shipper tears*
  • “We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name, Hydroflax.” Awkward. 
  • I think River’s just met wife number three. 
  • How dare he read her diary. 
  • “And you’ve just been to Manhattan.”  *heart breaks all over again*
  • “The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I’m not lying.” “Confirmed. The life form is not lying.” *shipper agony* 
  • “When you love the Doctor, it’s like loving the stars themselves. You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!” This is mixture of strategy and confession. She telling them all this because she needs to keep them distracted until the escape plan kicks in, but part of her really wants to get all of this off her chest and what better time than when surrounded by strangers who are all going to be dead in a few minutes. 
  • “Hello, sweetie.” *shipper happy crying*
  • “How could you know?” "I’m an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up.”
  • “What do you think, by the way?” "Of what?” “My new body.” "Oh, I’ll let you know. I’ve only seen the face.”
  • “He had a bad day on the market….sorry, I appreciate that wasn’t very funny, but I couldn’t help saying it.”
  • River married Stephen Fry?
  • So was Cleo wife number one or two? 
  • “That’s Darillium!” *shipper so not ready for this*
  • “This is my job!” "I’ve been doing it longer.” "I do it better.” That is true.    
  • “River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you.” “Or you.” *shipper can’t handle these emotions* 
  • It wasn’t enough to just take her there, he made sure they built a restaurant right there, with a great view and made sure he got the best table in the house. 
  • “Now that, my dear, is a suit.” That’s because it has a tie and we know River loves ties. 
  • The sonic!!! 
  • He’s scanning her brain! He’s saving her! *shipper heart shattering* 
  • The finally made it to the Singing Towers. 
  • “Spoilers” That word has never been said with more heartbreak. 
  • “Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is the last Christmas.”   
  • “No, Doctor, you’re wrong. Happy ever after doesn’t mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that’s not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?” 
  • “They’ve been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It’s probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren’t sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song.” *shipper blubbering*
  • 24 years!!!
  • “I hate you.” "No, you don’t.”
  • If Chibnall hadn’t been tied up with Broadchurch, this would’ve been how Moffat’s tenure as sowrunner ended and I honestly can’t think of a more perfect ending than this, bringing the Doctor and River’s story full circle in the most beautiful way possible.

Next Time: The Return of Doctor Mysterio

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To me, Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. Certainly the most popular, great painter of all time. The most beloved, his command of color most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world, no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again. To my mind, that strange, wild man who roamed the fields of Provence was not only the world’s greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived.