cause im dope

my cousin was 15 when she left our family, cursed us all, got married to a rapist, gave birth to a little girl, and almost indirectly killed her mom with all of this. yet she’s accepted & everyone has forgiven her. if i ever claimed to be in love with another girl, i’m sure my entire family would turn on me & find me disgusting. i do like boys. but i like girls so much more. i scroll past those vids of lesbian couples on fb so fast because i dont want to imagine it. i dont want to think of being in love with a girl. i dont want to acknowledge this attraction i have for women as anything more than aesthetic pleasure. i’ll end up marrying a boy i dont want to be touched by & longing for women. i’ll probably have flings with girls, but i’ll never announce them & i’ll never pursue another girl. im not making any sense right now cause im kinda doped up on meds but lemme tell yall . this internalized homophobia i have is eating me whole