cause i want people to see them if they want awesome recipes

Damian Wayne/ Robin X Reader- Murder Kitten

After this post, there will only be 2 requests left!! Yay!!!!!  Also, this was requested by @abigailredgrave, who requests some pretty awesome stuff!!! I hope you guys enjoy this and have a nice day!!!!  If I am counting this right, THIS IS MY ONE HUNDREDTH FANFIC!!!! YYYAAYYY!!!

Warning: Swearing 

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The Dark Prophecy:

So I got another list of stuff for you since I just finished Rick’s new book. And I am SHOOK. Jesus freaking Christ. And SOO many CAMEOS ITS AMAZING. 10/10 would recommend guys. Now for your viewing pleasure- here’s The Dark Prophecy:

- Apollo talking shit about Hera’s liquorice and throwing shade
- “Hey, you two! No ancient dialects. Spanish or English please. Or Machine.”
- Leo calling Calypso babe omg Caleo <3
- LEONIDAS !!!!!!!!
- Hephaestus insulted Ares’ bellbottoms and caused a nuclear meltdown. That’s it. Those are the Olympians.\
- Like any decent god, demigod or engineer, Leo Valdez refused to be stopped by the laws of physics
- freaky ass blemmyae
- Hijo
- Leo being short is canon YESSS
- Lester most worthless of teens oh my god
- AWESOME sentient building!!
- “I’ll be hexed” is my new fav expressionnnnn
- All these people whose names ended with o suddenly made me feel like my brand was being diluted. DEAD
- The Magic 8 Ball struck me as a very shady form of divination—more like a Hermes game of chance than an Oracle worthy of me.
- “We’ve been aging together ever since. Very happily.”
- What did he do with Georgina?” IS GEORGINA MEG?!
- “Hey, abuelita,” Leo said. “All da cows love Leo.” He grinned at me. “And these cows are red, man. Like… bright red.”
- When I am a god again, I will make a constellation out of you. I will call it the Small Exploding Latino.”
- We get Festus back, then we look up this place on Google Maps and fly down there.”
- “Griffins? Uh… Hazel and Frank told me about griffins. They fought some in Alaska. Said they were like rabid hyenas with wings.” I MISS FRAZEL
- Leo muttered a curse in Spanish. “I keep thinking about my little bro Harley back at camp. If somebody tried to hurt him…”BIG BRO LEO
- The young woman sat on the molding ledge, playfully swinging her legs. Her braided auburn hair made a ponytail so long it wrapped around her neck like a scarf
- Leo caught her wrist. “Hold up.” From his tool belt he pulled a folding yardstick. He extended it and poked the chair’s seat cushion. A bear trap snapped shut, ripping through stuffing and fabric like an upholstery sharknado. LEO BEING BADASS WITH TRAPS
- Leo. “I’m new to this heroic-quest business. Shouldn’t there be a reward at the end? Not just more deadly quests?” “Nope,” Leo said. “This is pretty standard.”
- “How can you be so calm?” I demanded. “I am going on a dangerous quest tomorrow with your girlfriend!”
- “These tofu enchiladas are sabrosas. Gotta get the recipe from Josephine. My homegirl Piper would love them.” LEO AND PIPER IM CRYING OMG
- Why me? Sob. Sob. Sob.
- yes, Trophonius clearly got his knockout good looks from me. MODEST.
- Not just because I still found Commodus attractive after so many centuries, not just because we had a, er, complicated history, but also because he reminded me what I used to be like. MODEST.
- Marcus the blinged-out jackal boy, and Vortigern the barbarian. Ookay.
- His hand rested easily on the pommel of a sword. His face was a patchwork of scars. His clothes were casual—just jeans, a red-and-white T-shirt that read CORNHUSKERS, and a red bandana tied across his curly dark hair— OH MY GOD. LOST HERO CAMEO
- The emperor clapped with delight. “Oh, nice! That was very entertaining, Lityerses!” “Thank you, sire.” The Cornhusker. SHIT MAN.
- Leo and tater tots
- The sorceress muttered another Minoan curse, naming a part of Zeus’s body that I did not want to think about.
- “You’re a handsome idiot.”
- I gasped and collapsed. Through my half-lidded eyes, I watched Calypso turn on our enemies. “Now it is your turn, fools!” She began making the same rude gestures toward the Germani. The first one stopped. His face paled. He glanced at me lying on the ground, then turned and fled, barreling past his friend. The Germanus with the wounded foot hesitated. Judging from the hatred in his eyes, he wanted revenge for the missile weapon that had ruined his left boot. Calypso, undaunted, waved her arms and began to incant. Her tone made it sound as if she were raising the worst daimons from Tartarus, though her words, in ancient Phoenician, were actually a recipe for making pancakes. The wounded Germanus yelped and hobbled away, leaving a trail of smeared red prints behind him. CALYPSO YOU BADASS!
- Three passengers. I very much want to see Leo Valdez again. We have unfinished business.” “You know Leo?” Despite the danger we were in, I felt a small sense of relief. Finally, some villain wanted to kill Leo more than he wanted to kill me.
- Lityerses narrowed his eyes. “You’re not the same girl who was with him before. Her name was Piper. You wouldn’t happen to be Leo’s girlfriend?”
- Calypso nodded as if she’d come to a decision. “It’s going to take both of us. We’ll sing a duet. You have a decent voice.” “I have a…” My mouth was paralyzed from shock. Telling me, the god of music, that I had a decent voice was like telling Shaquille O’Neal he played decent offense, or telling Annie Oakley she was a decent shot.
- I blinked. “Zeus… singing?” I found the concept mildly horrifying. My father thundered. He punished. He scolded. He glowered like a champion. But he did not sing. Calypso’s eyes got a little dreamy. “In the palace at Mount Othrys, when he was Kronos’s cupbearer, Zeus used to entertain the court with songs.”
- It was a song older than empires—about two lovers separated and longing to be together.
- She would have toppled off the ledge if Leo hadn’t caught her. “Whoa, mamacita,” he said. “You okay?” She blinked sleepily. “I’m fine. Don’t fuss. And don’t call me—” She crumpled against Leo, who struggled to keep her upright. He glared at me. “What did you do to her?”
- Leo wagged a finger at Britomartis. “You’re lucky these ladies are such bosses.
- He decided to liberate a teal plastic pedal boat, and insisted we call him the Dread Pirate Valdez. (Meg loved this. I refused.)
- “We’ll get Peaches back,” I promised her. “Yeah, chica,” Leo agreed.
- “Hey.” Meg poked me in the back of the neck. “Remember what Percy told us? Never say stuff like We made it or That was easy. You’ll jinx us!” “My entire existence is a jinx.”
- He glanced over—no snappy comeback, no playful grin. “Just… Leo and Calypso’s Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.” “What?” “Something Cal and I used to joke about.”
- “Oh, come now,” I protested. “You like my singing.”
- a girl in gray camouflage paced like a jaguar. Her shoulder-length hair was stark white, though she looked no more than fifteen.
- a young girl in a lavender wool sweater and green jeans. Her tufts of brown hair looked like she’d cut them herself with gardening shears.
- I hoped Athena was watching, because WISDOM, BABY!
- Livia
- “What is this? Not nectar…” “No,” Thalia agreed. “It’s moonwater.”
- “I think you decided to help me because you like me.” The corner of Thalia’s mouth twitched. “What makes you say that?” “Oh, come now. The first time we met, you said I was hot. Don’t think I didn’t hear that comment.” I was gratified to see her face turn red.
- Emmie says we could live like normal young people in this city. Even go to the local high school.”
- At some point, I gotta reconnect with my other peeps: Jason, Piper, Hazel, Frank. Lotta people out there still want to punch me.”
- I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly. “Piano lessons? Now?” “Not now, dummy. But sometime. Can you teach me?”
- She’d been trying to convince Zeus to forgive me. That was so sweet!
- Shit Apollo’s tripping
- Oh my god this is horrifying
- Oh my GOD
- “Let the girl go,” I whimpered through the pain. “Kill me and let her go.” I surprised myself. These were not the last words I had planned.
- Oh my god peach babies
- Jimmy is GREAT
- Jimmy’s electricity was different—a more humid scent of ozone, a darker red hue to the flashes.
- Damnnnn Apollo!
- “No,” Leo corrected. “He Lityerses-ly flew out the window. Am I right? Those were some sweet moves, man.” Lit nodded. “Thanks.” The two bumped fists as if they hadn’t spent the last few days talking about how much they wanted to kill each other. They would have made fine Olympian gods.
- Cloven?! Cloven? GROVER!
- Buy one prophecy, get three free? That was a lot of lines.” “It was a sonnet,” I said, still in disbelief. “May the gods help us; it was a Shakespearean sonnet.”
- “I—I might be, Georgina. I don’t know.” “’ Kay.” She held up the thing she was holding—a figure made of pipe cleaners—and pressed it into my hands. “Made this for you. You can take it with you when you go away.”
- “Yeah. The changeling lord… that’s gotta be my homeboy Frank Zhang. And the Devil’s Mount, that’s Mount Diablo, right near the camp. I hate Mount Diablo. I fought Enchiladas there once.”
- “The Teumessian Fox? That’s the monster you’ve been hunting?”
- His strange bronze hockey-stick weapon was nowhere to be seen. So the mysterious Olujime was a pit fighter, an accountant, a magical warrior, and an ostrich whisperer. Somehow I was not surprised.
- uh… a Greek-Roman type, is he? I mean, he’s not a legacy of you guys, the Olympians.” “No,” I agreed. “He is from a different tradition and parentage entirely.” Thalia’s short spiky hair rippled in the wind, as if reacting to her uneasiness. “You mean from other gods.”
- We Olympians have always been used to living in close proximity to, ah… the competition.” “So you’re the sun god,” Thalia said. “But some other deity from some other culture is also the sun god?”
- “If you wish,” I said, “when I attain my godhood again, I will personally visit the Underworld. I will petition Hades to let your soul pass on to Elysium.” Agamethus offered me his 8 Ball.
- The dirt rolled away, revealing the form of a young man sleeping on his side. He looked about seventeen, perhaps younger. He wore a black collarless jacket over a green shirt, and jeans much too baggy for his legs. Over his curly hair flopped a red knit cap. A scruffy goatee clung to his chin.

Conclusion: SHOOK featuring Caleo

anonymous asked:

re: blue apron and foodieverse, are there blogs/youtubes/podcasts you recommend for the kind of clueless and inept millennial stereotype who briefly did blue apron but couldn't devote that much time and money to learning to feed themselves? <3

It’s tough to say, because if you’re not willing to put in the time cooking the meal itself, watching food TV in the hopes of learning to cook might not be helpful either. I mean, not everyone has to cook beyond basic feeding themselves. Some people just don’t like cooking and that’s okay.

I learned to cook primarily from two sources, my mother and Alton Brown. I recommend seeing if you can find some old episodes of Good Eats on youtube – they haven’t aged well but the content in them is still exceptional, because Alton Brown cooks like a scientist: he tests theories of food, he understands why you do the things you do as a cook, and he expands that knowledge into how to cook better. So I don’t oil my pasta water, for example, because Alton found out it doesn’t help – it sits on top of the water and keeps it from bubbling over, but it also reduces the amount of sauce that sticks to the pasta, since it coats the pasta when you pour it out (in defiance of Alton, I also don’t salt my pasta, because I can’t detect a difference so why bother). I always fry my fried food in very hot oil with a high smoke point, because it absorbs less oil and comes out crispier and less greasy, which is something he also tested on his show. These are small things I can point out – the big things are so unconscious I’m not sure I could describe them at this point, but it comes down to a “Why does it do the do” attitude. I created a recipe for vegan brownies and a muffin recipe once using “why does X cause Y in a recipe” research.  

But Good Eats is a bit dated and it’s rather longer than most youtube food episodes will be, so. Honestly, I know I talk about this show all the time, but Cooking With Dog is a fun show and Chef demonstrates a wide diversity of recipes, but she also always includes tips and tricks like “You gotta do it this way because otherwise that happens” and that’s invaluable information. You don’t even need to make the recipes – just watch for fun and absorb what she says. Eventually you’ll start realizing where you can apply the lessons you’re learning in your own cooking. (But her recipes are great so also make them if you think they look good.)

Also, Serious Eats is a great website that does a lot of food science, even if they get a little over the top sometimes (I have ground my own meat for hamburgers but I have never managed to acquire an oxtail to add to my meat blend). You don’t even really need to read or do the recipes, just skim through the articles and read whatever looks interesting. 

And if you want a break and some humor, check out You Suck At Cooking. My personal favorite is the Corn episode. Watch it all the way to the end, even through the ad in the middle, because the song at the end is awesome. 

Part of my education was also self-directed because I, like you, don’t necessarily want to expend a lot of effort in the kitchen. I like cooking but I don’t necessarily like complicated recipes. My mum was a big fan of Emeril Lagasse when I was a kid, and I was too – Emeril Live was a really fun cooking show. But his recipes are super complicated and contain a lot of ingredients, which a lot of the time are unnecessary. I haven’t actually seen any Blue Apron recipes but I suspect they too might have some frills I wouldn’t normally bother with. 

(Emeril used to finish cooking a dish, hand it to the front row of the audience, and say “Here – make friends” and sometimes my mum still says that when she gives me a dish to put on the table.) 

Anyway a lot of the time I would see a recipe somewhere and think, I bet I could make that easier, and go venturing online to see what I could find, or what I could alter because I don’t want to add broccoli or buy half-and-half or whatnot. And by swapping out ingredients (I do a lot of “Substitutes for X in cooking” google searches) you learn what will and won’t work, what does and doesn’t go together.

And it involves a lot of failure. Sometimes food just doesn’t work, or you burn the rice, or you add basil when you should have added sage, or you discover that unlike most other dairy, you cannot freeze sour cream. 

I used to get angry about failing a recipe, because it was a waste of food, so after a while I had to adjust my attitude: yes, food is meant to be eaten, but cooking can also be like art or sewing or model trains. It’s a hobby that you spend money on and sometimes fail at. You don’t generally get pissed at the waste of pencil lead when a drawing doesn’t come out the way you want it; why would you get angry that you have to buy more macaroni because your macaroni salad sucked? (Speaking from experience.) When you approach food as if it were like art or music or video games, something you have to fuck up a bunch before you get really good and will still fuck up sometimes, just in more interesting ways, suddenly it gets easier. Then it’s okay to “waste” time and energy on it, because it’s something you’re doing for fun. 

But dude, you know what, I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never be a painter or a gamer. I don’t enjoy them enough to put in the time, for a start, but also they’re not things I have an inherent sense for the way I do cooking. And if that’s the case with cooking for you, that’s okay. You need to know enough to feed yourself, but beyond that, you don’t have to be a Great Chef. Spend your time on shit you love doing and order a pizza instead. :D 

anonymous asked:

Hey Jax since you seem like a dude who can make watchin Paint dry seem fun, What are some ways to have fun when you are alone. It seems all my friends these days are either busy or just dont want to talk to me anymore. I go on skype saying hi and whassup and I stay online for all day and I get no response. I dont want to waste my day Veggin out on Tumblr and YouTube so I was wondering if you had any ideas. Big Fan and thanks if you see this

Oh trust me dude I’ve gone through this too many times (especially the skype thing….stuckup basta—). I already have a plan all layed out cause Friends can be flaky at times. Here’s some ways you can have an awesome time on your own ^_^ My philosophy is this. Think of every cartoon show you watch, they barely are ever inside vegging out doing nothing cause their lives would be boring and we wouldn’t watch. In a way we are living through them so we merely have to emulate it ^_^ so this is THE JAX WAY TO HAVE FUN ALONE

1) Workout and do yoga! Trust me this sets the basis for your day and makes it so that no matter what it should be good! Gets the blood flowing and the body prepped for the day at hand.

2) Go Bike Riding, Roller Blading, Skateboarding, Scootering, etc: Go Exploring somewhere with fresh air and just have an adventure in a new “SAFE” area and don’t forget to bring your iPod so it feels like you are making a Music video about your epic life ;D

3) Go to the Beach: You can enjoy swimming in the ocean, running on the sand and admiring all the fineass bikini babes that are there ;) 

3) Play some Awesome Video Games from the Start to finish: (I’m playing Kingdom Hearts 1 and 2 right now) 

4) Cook some tasty Food: Go online look up a recipe and try something new. I  personally enjoy baking in my past time so I either bake a cake, brownies or just anything, something tasty to enjoy.

5) Make an Epic Movie/TV series/Anime Marathon Night: Cook/Buy  some delicious food, get some tasty beverages and pop in your favorite movies/series/anime you want to either catch up on or just enjoy by yourself. 

6) Make a Fort: WHo gives a Damn if your 20 something years old. Make a Fort CAUSE ITS FRICKIN FUN and watch Netflix or Play Video Games. Its whatever, Growing up just means you know how to act in public and when to be mature and responsible, but if you are by yourself F**K IT have a blast and make that crap :D 

7) Draw/Paint something: Just sit-down and draw, even if it looks like crap. Even Picasso started off crappy just build and build and build. Its fun and then you can impress a bunch of people but most importantly yourself 

8) Read a Book: Isolate yourself and Let your imagination take you on an insane adventure. :D 

9) Go for a walk: Sometimes just going for a walk by yourself and being alone with your thoughts really helps you contemplate what you want out of life and what you want to accomplish. 

10) LAUGH! not just randomly and without incentive. That will land you in the mental hospital. Find stuff that makes you laugh. For me its those Batman College Humor videos and Scare Pranks. AND PUNS I F*CKIN LOVE PUNS! Its great for relieving tension 

Well Anon there are many ways to have fun by yourself. Trust me I know, I use these most of the time when Bum ass friends dont answer me or dont message me haha. They all work and lemme know they work for you. Wish ya the best ^_^

Graduation Present

Zimbits, 3100 words, A03

The boys decide that Bitty needs to get some before graduation…


It’s the week before Bitty’s graduation, and Chowder and Dex have become obsessed with discussing every sexual escapade they can think of that has happened in their time at the Haus. They get Nursey’s attention when it comes to places they’ve had sex – the couch, the porch, the roof, the basement. They agree not to count their own bedrooms, but they do count if they’ve done it someone else’s bedroom, with extra points for if that someone else was asleep in the bed at the time.

“What about the bathrooms?” Nursey asks.  “I like Bitty’s the best.  It has the most space, although it’s not that well lit.”

 “What are you saying about my bathroom?”  Bitty asks, catching the tail end of the conversation as he comes in to the living room, dusting the flour off his hands.  He raises an eyebrow at Chowder who is about to open another beer with his teeth – Chowder worked too hard on those teeth to mess them up now.  Chowder shrugs and finds another beer, removes the top with his hand, and passes it to Bitty.

 “Your bathroom is an excellent place to have shower sex.   Roomy, you know.”  Nursey explains.

 Bitty blushes despite himself.  He has on more than one occasion noted the spaciousness of his shower for that particular purpose, but he’s not about to admit this to his teammates.  Except now he’s got an image of Jack on his knees in front of him, and that is not appropriate for this conversation.

 “Don’t tease him, Nurse,” Dex says.  “Bitty wouldn’t know.”

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“Damn, why you got the heater on?” Alex asked

He was literally soaked in sweat, his face was bright red and he looked like he was suffering in the worst way possible “Because it’s like fifty degrees in here” I was really shivering from how cold it actually was in his house even with the heat on

In the time we got back to his house, he fell asleep and woke and the little fever that he had earlier had blossomed into the flu.

He was grouchy and it was really cute in the beginning but now he was super annoying and he still doesn’t believe that he has a cold. Like it could possibly be anything else.

“You’re really sick and you have literally no type of cold medicine in your cabinet” I called out from his bathroom

“Because I don’t get sick, what is it that you don’t understand?” his raspy voice said

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vegangodess  asked:

Hi! I'm new to Wicca, however, I have been trying to be in tune with my energies and also the energies around me. I am really getting into this but I'm scared to do any spells. I don't quite know what I need and any easy spells for me to do. If you know what I could do to ease me into spell casting pls let me know! I am so enthusiastic about this and I'm so happy I've found Wicca. I just need to find a way to get into the spells! Thank you! Blessed be 💜

Hello there vegangoddess, I hope that you are doing well.I am sorry that this has taken me so long to get to, but my partners longest round of chemo happened last week and since we can’t go out for the holidays…everyone decided to stop by and wish us well. It’s been a madhouse around here.

Okay, I am answering this one first today because it seems pretty necessary to touch on this subject. I want every single follower I have to read this and understand this.

-You DO NOT have to practice Wicca to cast spells.-


-Casting spells does not make you Wiccan.-

Your message seems to use the words fairly interchangeably and it will be easiest on you if you know that these are separate things from as early on in your path as possible.

*Wicca is the belief in the God and the Goddess and an adherence to the Rede and the Three Fold Law.

*Spell casting is manipulation of energy (or energies) in order to cause something to happen.

You do NOT need to find a way to “Get into the spells”. If you want to learn witchcraft and incorporate that into your life and your religion then that’s awesome. But NEVER feel like you have to be one in order to do the other.

This goes for all of you.

Now, for my next bit of advice: Spellcasting takes practice. I know that Hollywood has given us this idea that if we just say the right thing on the right night, under the whatever moon beam astrological connection, stir the stuff, and harken to the elements you are going to make blasty things happen.

That’s like an artist sitting down with a pencil and expecting to draw like Rembrandt. While it could happen…it’s not likely to.

Take baby steps. Find out what kind of spell casting works for you. Find out where your talents are and how to best use them for what you want to accomplish.

How can someone do this? Well that takes a trip down the lane of Self Exploration.

Ask yourself the following:

  • What are you drawn to?
  • What are your natural talents
  • What do you like to do?
  • What do you know?

I heard a phrase once, “Everything, done right, can be magic.” And rarely have I heard something so true. Music, art, cooking, writing, planting, harvesting, singing, digging,sewing,…the list goes on and on. All of these things, done in a certain way, can become a basis for spell work and magic.

This is why I sell my services as an ink-witch. Spells have to resonate with the person. If you find something online there is a chance that it could work…it probably worked for the author of the spell…but that doesn’t mean that it will work for you.

I can tell you that if you want to bring romantic love into your life you should place the petals of a rose around a rose quartz crystal in your cauldron. But if crystal magic is not your bag…then this spell may not resonate with your own personal energy. Or if you are best at water based spells,or have a penchant for making oils, I would have given you a recipe for that instead.

Also, you just doing these things isn’t…really the best way to go about it. If you don’t understand why you are using the items that you are using then you might not call or use the energy of these ingredients/tools properly. Using the ‘love spell’ analogy from the previous paragraph…if you don’t know that it’s a red rose is associate with passion (not love) you may pick up that one…rather than a pink one (which is associated with romantic love).

Do you see the complications here?

While I’m not firmly against finding your spells on the internet, I am not a fan of someone who is learning finding spells on the internet. The inherent problem is most of the people who have been around the spell-block a few times are making their own spells because they know a thing or fifty about what they are doing.

So after this ridiculously long response, it is my advice to you to research, practice, learn, and develop yourself as a witch (if that’s truly what you want to do) and Wicca (as a aspect of yourself separate from your spellcasting at least at first.) then, when you are ready, start casting.

Between the Outlines: Part 4

Originally posted by samgirlsclub

Pairing: Romantic Sam x Reader

Word Count: 1.3k+

Song: The National Parks - Coração

Warnings: Fluff.

12 Days of Christmas Challenge. Day 4: Christmas Lights + Hot Chocolate

“So what movie have you been wanting to watch?” Sam broke the silence that had temporarily settled between the two of you.

“Now You See Me,” you reached over to the small dinner table and picked up the rented DVD case. “A girl and I met at the Family Video while I was looking for something to watch, and since we kinda hit it off, she asked me if I’d go with her to see the sequel next weekend. Thought I should watch the original first.”

“Watching the sequel is like not reading the book,” Sam joked, looking at the back when you offered him the case. “-it’s a moral sin.”


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Title: Covers and Cakes
Relationship: Handsome Jack/Rhys
Summary: Jack, a relatively famous YouTube baker, finds himself falling for another YouTuber, a cover artist named Rhys. So what does he decide to do? Bake him a cake for his PO box opening video. Jack doesn’t realize, however, that that was the start of something more between the YouTubers.

Notes: So I was tagged by my friends @alex-the-winter-fox and @leenhiddles to try my hand at writing out their YouTube AU. It was just a super cute idea, and what with me being a professional YouTuber myself, I couldn’t resist giving it a bit of a go. I’m not sure if there will ever be any more written for this, as I do have a lot of other stuff I need to write, but who knows!

Again, this YouTube AU belongs to @alex-the-winter-fox and @leenhiddles. Hope ya’ll enjoy!

AO3 Version

It was never within Jack’s intentions to get so invested into a fellow YouTuber. A cover artist YouTuber, for that matter. YouTube was a minefield of competition and as far as Jack was concerned, everyone was his competitor for viewers. Sure, they all had their own categories and their own respective fans. He didn’t exactly expect to get, say, the creepypasta reader fans to click on his baking videos or anything. But hey, Jack was a competitive person, how else was he supposed to look at it?

So when he started to get into this cute little singer named Rhys, it started to chafe on him a bit. He still stuck to his usual routine of videos: find or create a recipe, tweak it a bit, bake and record, then stow it away for editing the next day. Over and over every day. But now he was finding himself humming along to Rhys’ videos, swaying his body to the sweetly melodic voice of the young YouTuber, and, hell, even buying his covers off of iTunes.

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Something I run across a lot as a crossbreeder is the statement that one cannot breed dogs without a ‘standard’, preferably written by a committee, made official by a breed club, and associated with a registry for purebred dogs. This statement is always made as definitive, concrete, a Truth of the Highest Order. In other words, with no standard one would simply not be able to produce anything like a functional dog, or even predict what kind of traits you will get. I guess basic biomechanics and genetics aren’t things.

I find this amusing. A breed, especially a breed with a closed stud book, is like a cake mix that comes in a box. You have a limited set of ingredients, so as long as you follow the directions on the box (the standard), you will get something close to the picture on the front. Once you step outside the box, you have to rely on recipes (knowledge of how gross traits are inherited) to make your cake, but you can add any ingredient you like if you think it would make a better cake. This is cool because you can experiment to get what you want, but if you’re an idiot you can also produce a cake that no one will eat, unlike the box cake, which always turns out pretty much the same. A lot of the work of purebred breeding (depending on the breed and the breeder, of course) is due to the icing, the nitpicky cosmetic details like roses or piping, stuff that doesn’t affect the basic taste of the cake.

(This is me simply amusing myself with a long way of saying that people who breed crosses or mixed breeds are generally more concerned with gross traits than with details like eye shape or tail carriage. I almost used Hamburger Helper instead of cake, but I don’t like casseroles.)

Anyway, I decided to write a semi-serious joke standard for my Afghan/Saluki crosses and backcrosses, based on the FCI standard format. It is based on what I have learned about what I want and how to make it, from two litters of crosses and two backcross litters, one each way. Come back in ten years after I’ve learned more and there may be amendments. Pictured are some of my ‘ideal’ first cross Afghan/Salukis, or Halfghans.


ORIGIN: BFE Texas, United States of America


UTILIZATION: Running and chasing dog. Makes a nice pet if you like the type.

BRIEF HISTORICAL SUMMARY: An Afghan hound named Zora thought it would be a dandy idea to conceive pups with a Saluki named Victor in the middle of a massive windstorm. Lo! The Desertwindhounds, also known as Halfghans, were born! And they were awesome. Usually a first cross between a Saluki and an Afghan hound, a Desertwindhound can also be a backcross to either breed, or any combination of drop eared sighthounds as long as it meets the points set forth in the standard. The Desertwindhound is a type, NOT a breed, and should not be confused with breeds kept within closed stud books and bred to very narrow physical specifications. It has variety.

GENERAL APPEARANCE: A large, lightly coated or smooth drop eared coursing dog capable of the speed and agility necessary to take a variety of traditionally coursed game over varying terrain, or to chase plastic bags, toys, or fellow dogs in an entertaining manner. Hardy and able to deal with adverse weather or uncivilized conditions with minimal support, the Desertwindhound should have the appearance of a country of origin Afghan hound. It is rustic, not the type of dog you would see with people who wear $200 jeans or who have phobias about dirt, and should never appear as if it was grown in a vat at the Fabio factory.

BEHAVIOUR AND TEMPERAMENT: Reserved with strangers, affectionate with family. Loves to run and chase things. Not overly sensitive to adverse situations. Intact males may be tetchy with other intact males, but should not be starting fights. Bitches can undergo a sensitive phase during adolescence but should grow out of it. Can take up to five years to ‘grow up.’ Tends to howl, and steal food or objects if the opportunity presents itself. Frequently boings on its hind legs when excited, and may talk as well. Will bark at unauthorized intruders. May bark at small animals outside the fence that you cannot see. Loving but not clingy, loves to be with you but understands the concept of ‘go outside and play.’ Prone to goofballery and digging large dens. If you want a dog that likes every Tom, Dick, and Harry while staying velcroed to your hip awaiting your pleasure, the Desertwindhound is not the dog for you.


Skull: Balanced between muzzle and skull. No pinheads.

Stop: Slight.

Nose: One. Two nostrils and a good sense of smell should be present.
Muzzle: Long but proportionate to skull. Muzzle and skull should form a wedge shape from above.
Jaws / Teeth: Scissor bite preferred. Level bite causes worn down incisors and should be selected away from. Lack of premolars acceptable but full dentition preferred because missing teeth look a little peculiar. Canines must form a correct bite to hold struggling game or recalcitrant toys. Strong jaw musculature for a good grip. The angle at which the upper and lower teeth mesh should not cause excessive wear on the incisors or canines. Mouth should need minimal maintenance to remain healthy.
Eyes: Two are required for binocular vision. Should be able to see small moving objects over long distances and be highly attracted to motion. Dark skin pigment preferred to reduce sun glare. Light eyes are preferred because they look cool.
Ears: Two drop ears. The coated version should have some hair on them, but not so much as to create a very heavy ear and compromise air flow. Minimal hair under the ear opening. Highly mobile, perky ears are preferred over droopy boring ears due to greater cuteness.

NECK: Should be in proportion to the rest of the body, strong enough to grab moving game, long enough to reach small game while running. Giraffe and/or ewe necks are no. If it makes you think ‘OMG, that’s a long neck,’ it’s too long.

Back: Short, well muscled. Can have prominent muscles over the withers. Or not.
Loin: Muscular, slight arch preferred, flexible for the contraction phase of the gallop and for curling up on the bed.
Croup: Definitely has one. Should have adequate space for muscle attachment. Hips will protrude in direct proportion to how high the iliac crests are.
Chest: Should not be so broad that it interferes with the stifles while galloping, nor so narrow as to appear two dimensional. Egg shaped in cross-section. Can reach the elbow. Or not.

TAIL: Waggy. Coated version should be feathered.


Shoulder: Muscular and elastic. Scapula length should be in proportion with the humerus so the dog can get his front legs under him, no table leg outlines. Since standing very still is not the main function of the Desertwindhound, the angle formed by the scapula and the humerus when standing still is of no particular interest. A straight front is not penalized as long as the dog can get his feet under him without contortions.
Upper arm: Long enough that the dog can get his forelegs under his shoulders.
Elbow: Slightly turned out elbows not penalized as long as function is not affected.
Forearm: Forelegs straight. Feet can converge when standing naturally.

Metacarpus (Pastern): Can be upright. Sloping pasterns should have springy ligaments to produce good energy return. No floppiness or weakness.
Forefeet: Strong pads not prone to wear and tear. Strong elastic ligaments on flexible toes. Not so much hair between toes and under foot on that debris or mud accumulate. Feet may turn out slightly. Dewclaws should not be removed.

General appearance: Well muscled. Dog should be able to get his hind feet under him easily and without awkwardness. Can have high butt, hindquarters can be higher than fore quarters when the dog is standing naturally.
Stifle (Knee): Should have two bendy ones that move without side to side wobbliness.
Hind feet: Good pads not prone to wear and tear. Strong ligaments on flexible toes. Not so much hair between toes and under foot on coated version that debris or mud accumulate. Preferably not located in the next county when standing naturally.

GAIT / MOVEMENT: Trot should be efficient, without excessive reach or motion that wastes energy. Ligaments should be springy, no loose noodly flappy flingy movement. Gallop should be effortless, with long strides, ability to make tight turns and quick direction changes, and good jumping ability. Structure should be durable, not easily injured by normal activity. A certain boinginess, giving the impression that the dog is ready spring into activity, is preferred because it’s pretty, but not necessary. Absolutely none of that slow motion galumphing that some Afghans do, and none of that high kicking with the hind feet, either.

Coated version: Fine coat on sides, fore- and hindquarters, feathering on legs, tail and ears. Fluffy ascot in the underside of the neck. Hair on feet and between toes. Coat is longest over the elbow and stifle joints, not more than five inches. Body coat should be shorter or absent. Can have a topknot. Should shed in the summer. Coat can get heavier in cold environments. Coat texture should be easy to keep free of mats and debris without frequent grooming or bathing. Thin coat is preferred over thick insulating coat to avoid excessive heat build up during activity. Less hair is always preferable to more hair. Amount of hair should be no more than can be easily and quickly trimmed with scissors in a pinch. Cottony coats are crappy and should be avoided. A short coated saddle is preferred but some fuzz is okay, too. Bitches can get quite naked after a heat cycle.

Smooth version: Short haired over the entire body.

Colour: Any color or pattern is fine as long as it does not affect the health or function of the dog.

Height at the withers: 23” to 30”, females usually smaller. Larger dogs should never be clumsy oafs, small ones should never be fragile and easily broken.

Any departure from the foregoing points should be considered a fault and the seriousness with which the fault should be regarded should be in exact proportion to its degree and its effect upon the health, welfare, and function of the dog. The Desertwindhound should be an easy keeper and health or behavioral conditions that work against this should be penalized when making breeding decisions.