cats on flying bikes

Michael Bay’s Thundercats

I had this conversation with a friend yesterday and it seems like the sort of thing that should be put on Tumblr.

You know what I need.
I need someone to do a live action Thundercats.
I think it should be Michael Bay
He can make it sufficiently horrific.
Just like.
CGI alien cat people.  Via Michael Bay.
Imagine the weirdass shrapnel physics he could come up with for Mumm-Ra’s transformation.
I mean remember what he did to ninja turtles.
I think he could do it.  I think he could make it the worst movie ever made.
Tom Cruise could play um.  What was his name.  The ghost guy.
Jagra?
Jagro?
Jagger?
Jagger could play the ghost guy.  He’s already half dead.
Jagger should play Mumm-Ra.
He’d be the best thing in the movie because he’d be the only thing that didn’t look eye-searingly uncanny valley.
Or at least not more than Jagger looks normally.
“This movie was an apocalypse for my eyes.  I tried to will myself blind partway through.  The mummy cgi was good, though.”
But the joke is on them.  There was no mummy cgi.  It was just Mick Jagger in skintight acid-washed jeans.
Snarf
OH OH the robearburbles or whatever the fucking little things were called.
The post-apocalypse Furbys
That’s what they’d end up with.
“They need faces.  To be EXPRESSIVE so people feel sympathy when I set them on fire that burns in improbable ways.”
They end up with basically a three foot high furby.
Anyone who wasn’t high on prescription painkillers could see this is a nightmare that should be stopped.
Michael Bay: “Perfect.”
He slaughters their entire town.
There’s a gratuitous shot of a baby roburblefurby having its head torn from its body, wires sparking tragically.
The audience heaves a sigh of relief.
Well obviously there’s like one or two heroic little digital atrocities who don’t get caught in the holocaust.
They hang out with Snarf.
Comedy relief is attempted.
The audience tries to figure out which one will show more prominently in their nightmares.
Oh wait wait I am foolish of COURSE Liam Neeson will play the ghost guy.
Tom Cruise can be Tigra.
They probably cast Vin Diesel as Panthro because any idiot can see Panthro was as close as the cat people got to being  a black guy.
But racial diversity in a Michael Bay movie would be foolish.
He can barely even manage tokenism.
Oh, I was about to ask whether Jake Gyllenhaal or Christian Bale would be Liono, but of course it would be Mark Wahlberg.
Or however you spell his name.
Holy shit, I got it right.
The best actors in the whole goddamn movie–aside from Liam Neeson, who can’t do shit to save this sinking wreck–are the underrated midlister who should be a star they cast as the lizard-mutant bad guy, and the actress they cast as Cheetara, who gets like five lines and then she spins in a circle and issues a prophecy and passes out till any chance she has to be useful is past.
She’s SUPER HOT THOUGH.  Because it’s Hollywood so gotta capitalize on that cat girl.  Look, she can fly a space-bike in unnecessarily slinky positions.
Is there a reason her bike puts the seat up higher than her head and forces her to shove her boobs against the gas tank?  None of the guys’ bikes do that.  Well, I suppose it’s probably because her bike has insufficient armaments but for some reason she’s using it to dogfight the vulture guy anyway even though she can run faster than it can fly.
Tigra’s bike has a fucking missile launcher.
It’s great.  So much shit explodes.
Meanwhile the audience tries to figure out if Mark Wahlberg’s jaw is doing that thing because of weird cgi or if it just does that.
There’s a part where he is baby teenage Liono before he gets aged up to heroic buff confused dude thanks to unexplained cryogenics stuff.  Mark Wahlberg attempts to play a teenager.
“It’ll be fine if we just use the blur tool on his face to smooth the wrinkles.”
Liono is aged up from 15 to be a rugged 40 or so.  He bangs Cheetara, who is 20 even though she’s an experienced elite warrior.  Bay somehow manages to make it BOTH statutory rape and creepy age difference/rank exploitation.
A man of infinite talents, that Bay.
More Snarf
He’s given absolutely inexplicable amounts of screen time.
They’re so proud of their CGI demon.
Hans Zimmer does the soundtrack.
It’s his seven millionth Oscar nomination.

Tag

Spray cans
Turning brick walls
And trash cans
Into
Hazy dreamscapes
Martian lands
Playful
Fields of monsters
Under pink
Specked Moons
Spinning stars light
White flowers
Flying
Cats with red bikes
People’s tears
Show hard
Stories of gray
troubled lives
Triumphs
Sadness, love, hope
All sprayed bright
City grime
Given life by
Masked bandits
Dropped cans
Running away
Screaming “Tag”
You’re it