All of them?” Jenkins asked looking over the holographic map.
all Benemar forces have retreated to Potellan and our scouts met no
challenge all the way there” Cho replied pointing to points on the
have been fighting tooth and nail over that territory for months, why
pull back now?” Cathy asked,
know we are coming, they only held the line at these points to stop
us having too much free rein” Jenkins said.
could they know our attack is imminent?”
smart commander could guess as much” Jenkins said “He knew we
would have to move on the city eventually and after that bombing raid
he has forced us to attack sooner than we intended. That was likely
his intent of that assault, he wants us to attack on his terms”
also means that the city has now been reinforced with a large number
of enemy veteran forces” Cho pointed out.
is going to make the whole fight for the city more fun” Cathy said
pulling out a chocolate bar. The quizzing looks from the other two
made her explain. “Sorry I have been craving these things like mad
then” Cho said turning back to the map “So when do we leave for
the new Chieftain’s Crowning is in a few days and we are expecting
Williams and his men to reinforce us a few days after that. During
that time we will hand over all security duties to the Benemar, how
is their training going by the way?” Jenkins asked Cathy.
going well, they learned how to use our rifles and guns pretty
quickly and we have given them a few tanks and armoured transports.
By the time we leave they should no longer be considered a militia
but an actual fighting force”
long as they support the new Chieftain our flank should be secure”
underestimate the kid” Cathy pointed out “He may be young but he
has a way with words, he seems to grasp politics as well. Did you
hear all the elders who he was chosen over have been given high
offices in his court?”
that wise?” Cho asked.
smart” Jenkins said “Keep those who are likely to oppose him
close by where he can keep an eye on them all while giving them some
sort of power that they wanted”
smiled “I can see why Hopkins spoke highly of this kid but that is
still the problem, he is a kid”
that is why he will be underestimated” Jenkins smiled.
have heard that you have been asked to be the one to crown him?”
Cathy asked Jenkins.
he believes it will be symbolic, we took power from the Benemar and
deposed the previous Chieftain and we are now handing it back to the
Benemar in the form of a new Chieftain”
they chose” Cho stated “A powerful symbol”
us hope the power does not go to his head”
carried Taleena out of her home with his bodyguard waiting for him
and a large crowed had gathered having spotted the young Chieftain
entering a seemingly unknown persons house. A cheer erupted as he
emerged with her and he held her higher as if to show her off to the
crowed as the flashes of many lights signalled camera flashes to
immortalize the moment. So many that Taleena was nearly blinded and
wonder how Ceran was still managing to see where he was going. His
bodyguard quickly surrounded him and parted the crowed so Ceran could
make his way through them. His home may be some way away but he was
determined to make the journey. She had her arms wrapped around his
neck and thought to herself that he was stronger than he looked then
remembered he had told her he was a salt farmer growing up. A small
parade had begun to follow them with the young men shouting their
approval and even some of the girls that Taleena had met while
waiting to meet him calling out their congratulations. But what made
her really satisfied was when they passed a few of the more wealthier
and high ranking girls who had on more than one occasion while
waiting to meet Ceran made horrible remarks on how she did not
deserve to be there. Well now it was her that the Chieftain was
carrying home in his arms not them and the looks on their faces made
up at him their eyes met for a few moments and he smiled at her, she
loved that smile, it was so, genuine. Instinctively she placed a soft
kiss on his lips and pulled away embarrassed but he only laughed. He
stopped briefly to reaffirm his grasp on her and stop her from
slipping from his arms and began walking again, only then did she
notice he was sweating. He had been carrying her for some time now.
can walk now if you want me to?”
tradition says I have to carry you all the way home otherwise it’s a
thought you weren’t superstitious?”
not, this just seems like the right thing to do though”
breathed heavily as the muscles in his arms begged for release.
“Although I will say, now I know why it’s customary to carrying you
over the shoulder, that way is easier over long distances” he was
almost panting now.
can switch to that way if you want”
I said I’ll do it this way and this is the way I’ll do it”
felt him struggling to carry her the whole way, she did not consider
herself heavy but carry any weight for a length of time and it will
feel like it weighs a ton.
he said “There is a water flask at my left hip, could you get it
wrapped her arm behind herself and felt for his hip to find the
left a bit” he said suddenly.
better leave those intact for the wedding night” she laughed as she
grabbed the flask and put it to his lips to drink.
they arrived at his home, they had not moved into the Chieftain’s
tower yet as he was not their Chief till the Crowning. He had not
taken two steps through the front door when he put her down and
almost collapsed on the floor.
you all right?” she asked kneeling by his side.
be okay” he panted looking up at her smiling, he took her hand and
squeezed it tight. Looking up he saw his family were standing in the
Father, Selan, this is Taleena”
mother rushed forward and pulled her to her feet and embraced her
“Welcome to our home, or your home as well now”
feel sorry for you, you have no idea what my brother is really like”
father though stood over his son who was still laying on the floor
okay?” he asked.
should have put her over my shoulder”
should have. I did when I kidnapped your mother”
Is that true?”
father didn’t answer and walked off.
No you can’t say that and just walk away!”
got up and ran after him but stopped at his mother. “Mother, did
father kidnap you?
said nothing and looked to her husband who was sitting on the sofa
let him tell you the story”
looked at them both shocked and confused and Taleena laughed at her
future husbands confusion.
we need to get you measured for your dress for the Crowning” his
mother suddenly to Taleena.
I think maybe they would like to spend some time together?” Selan
they can’t do that until the wedding night!” Oolana said pushing
Taleena into another room.
that is a very old tradition they don’t need to be virgins any more”
up, if he is going to be Chief then he needs to follow these
mother can’t we at least-” Ceran started.
Oolana shouted pulling Selan inside and slamming the door.
okay then” Ceran said standing in front of the door “We’ll talk
came her response.
looked at his father who was now drinking ale with a small grin on
his face. “You have no idea what is in store for you do you?”
err….no” he said joining his father on the sofa and was handed a
can of ale by him.
did I when I grabbed your mother”
looked at his father who gestured to drink, he did and the taste of
the ale went right through his head making him shiver.
get used to the taste, and trust me you will need it”
you really kidnap mother?”
is not what it was called back then, you know the old ways? Well in
our town they did not fade very quickly nor any where else in the
wastelands. Quite often the only sure way to get a wife was to take
one. Your mother was promised to another and I had always had my eye
on her, we had spoken a few times but not at any great length. But I
knew, I knew what her life would be like if she married that bastard”
doesn’t matter, what does matter that during their wedding I drove my
truck straight into his home and disrupted the ceremony and killed
him with my farming tools. Not bad I think considering he was armed
with a blade. Once that was done I proclaimed she was to be mine
swung her over my shoulder and went home. I totalled the truck so I
couldn’t drive and as you know it’s part of the custom that you walk
looked up at his father shocked, he had never asked how they met and
of all the stories he expected to hear this was not among them.
mother even want you to take her?” he asked.
kidding!? She asked me to mount her there and then the moment we got
through the door, if my father wasn’t there I probably would have,
luckily that old bastard died soon after the wedding”
sat in silence, Ceran smiled though as this was the first time he and
his father had sat and spoken like this. In the past when he was a
creten his father would dote on his brothers and sister and simply
yell at him to go away.
did you name me Creten?”
father did not answer, in fact he did not react at all and just
stared ahead as if seeing the very moment he gave his son that name.
were born…sickly” he finally said “You were small and had the
features of a breeder, unfitting for a male”
your first birthday when it was clear you were not like your
brothers, I named you Creten. For I did not want you”
Benemar culture children are not named until their first birthday as
their names often carry meaning that they earn or show signs they
will have during that year.
father looked at him “I am happy, that you no longer carry that
couldn’t help but have tears fill his eyes “Father” he whispered
throwing his arms around his fathers neck and holding tight.
You’ve heard of hacktivism and slacktivism. Now get ready for...
-Quacktivism: Dismantling violent systems of oppression and saving lives, but with ducks! Who’s resisting their cultural indoctrination? You are! Yes, you are! -Ack!tivism: A system of non-violent resistance based off of the teachings of the newspaper cartoon character Cathy. You may cheat your diet plan, but never justice. -Plaquetivism: The belief that a healthy society will inevitably follow from healthy teeth. They… have nice teeth. -Sadsacktivism: Activism, but it’s really hard. The most relatable form of activism. -Amnesiactivism: They are absolutely outraged about something, and will get back to you when they remember what it was and what they went to the living room to do.
All right everyone, cancel your weekend plans, stock up on some
boxed wine, take your pants off and plant your fat ass firmly on the couch,
because this is what you’re going to be doing all weekend long.
That’s right, idiots, your prayers have been answered by us, your
Dionysian gods! Prepare thyself for…
THE HARRY POTTER DRINKING GAME MEGAPOST!!
YOU’RE WELCOME. So back to back, you’re looking at about 20 solid
hours of drinking. That is nothing you’re not used to, but if you really need
to break them up, then we suppose we’ll allow it. But you’ll definitely need a
whole box of wine, or at least a 40 ounce (pronounced “Foh-dee”). Drink responsibly, idiots!
Now, here’s how we’re going to tackle this titan of a game: there
will be a small set of rules for each individual movie, but there will be a
moderate list of communal rules that apply to every movie.
SO! Let’s start with the everlasting rules that you’ll be drinking
to in each movie.
The Universal Rules!
Drink whenever they say, “Potter.”
Drink whenever they say, “wizard.”
Drink whenever magic is performed purposefully.
Drink whenever they say, “magic.”
Drink anytime you hear the main theme.
Drink for each new kind of mythical creature.
Drink anytime you see a new bird (if you’ve already seen Hedwig, don’t drink for her again).
Drink anytime there is an outside shot of the school.
Drink whenever someone says, “Professor.”
Drink anytime Ron makes a stupid face.
Drink anytime you catch yourself wondering, “Where are all the black people?”
Drink whenever Harry has one of his episodes where he sees/hears something ominous and then snaps back to reality and everyone is like, “Harry, what’s wrong!?”
All drinks are doubled if it takes place in the Muggle world.
Alright, you’ve mixed your vat of cocktails, you (attempted to)
read and the communal rules, and you’ve basically given up on life (which is
for the best), now let’s start where most good stories start: the beginning.
…and the Sorcerer’s Stone (or Philosopher’s if you’re gay and
Drink whenever Maggie Smith is for your nerves.
Drink whenever the Sorcerer’s Stone is mentioned or seen.
Drink whenever Draco is an unprecedented asshole.
Drink whenever the kids are in mortal danger.
Drink whenever you think, “Wow, these kids were very bad actors before they grew up and learned how to do
Drink every time Warwick Davis is on screen.
Drink the amount of house points either given or taken away at any time. (JUST DO IT, GOD DAMN IT)
…and the Chamber of Secrets
Heave drink anytime someone or something is petrified.
Drink whenever Maggie Smith is serving and making you eat it.
Drink when Doby acts like a battered wife.
Drink whenever they say or allude to the Chamber of Secrets.
Drink whenever they say, “Tom Riddle.”
Drink whenever Draco is an asshole.
Drink whenever they say, “Hogwarts.”
…and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Drink whenever they say, “Sirius Black.”
Drink whenever Buckbeak makes a noise from his mouth.
Drink whenever they say, “Azkaban.”
Drink TWICE per each Dementor seen.
Drink whenever Maggie Smith is feeling her fantasy.
…and the Goblet of Fire
Drink anytime the Goblet of Fire is visible.
HEAVY DRINK anytime a Death Eater is on screen.
Drink anytime you are confused about your attraction to
Cedric. Is he hot or does he have a shovel face?
Drink whenever there are massive amounts of hormones in the
Drink every time a kid has AWFUL teenage hair that they
think looks good, but it doesn’t. Not even a little. Get a haircut, hippie!
SUPER HEAVY DRINK when Maggie Smith says, “Baboons.”
Speaking of which, drink every time Maggie Smith is
pummeling the runway.
TAKE A SHOT when Voldemort comes back.
…and the Order of the Phoenix
hormones are LITERALLY (or figuratively) oozing.
Drink whenever they
Drink whenever they
Drink every time Luna
is a bit nutty.
HEAVY DRINK for the
final wizard battle.
TAKE A SHOT when
Sirius Black dies (spoiler alert!).
…and the Half Blood Prince
Drink whenever the Half Blood Prince’s book is seen or
Drink whenever they say, “Voldemort.”
Drink whenever Malfoy is a total dickhead.
Drink every time Maggie Smith serves you the house down.
DOUBLE the drinks during any flashback.
Drink whenever Bellatrix is straight up cray.
Drink every time hormones are raging.
Drink whenever they say a Professor’s name.
TAKE A SHOT when Dumbledore di- WE MEAN……nothing…
…and the Deathly Hallows (Parts 1 &
Drink whenever they say, “Voldemort.”
Drink whenever Bellatrix is craaaazay.
Drink whenever there is a flashback.
Drink whenever they speak bastardized Latin.
TAKE A SHOT for each Horcrux destroyed.
Drink anytime someone says, “Dumbledore.”
DOUBLE DRINKS for each scene that Nagini is in.
Drink every time it’s more Hormone-y Granger…aka when hormones are raging.
Drink whenever they transport somewhere magically.
Drink anytime someone says, “Horcrux.”
Drink whenever anyone is fighting.
TAKE A SHOT for Maggie Smith literally slaying.
FINISH YOUR DRINK when the Dark Lorde is defeated.
God damn, that was a lot! Realistically, you’re probably
plastered, but that’s the point. It’s Harry Potter for fuck’s sake! Why not
drink until you die? You’ll want to anyway once you realize there’ will be no
more Harry Potter EVER. Yeah, that’s right, let that sink in.
Well anywho, you should probably go eat something and/or lay
down before the renal failure sets in. You also might want to eat any charcoal
you have lying around because the E.R. doctors are going to pump that shit
pretty deep into your bowels anyway. Speaking of, let’s take a look at you
before this whole fiasco:
“Yeah, sure, I’ll drink to the Harry Potter movies. I’m half in the bag anyway.”
And after? After the handle of Gibleys…
Oh shit, maybe that was one too many rules… Well if you guys don’t die of alcohol poisoning, you should
come back whenever you’re sober to play another game with us in order to forget
about your real world problems.
Until next time, you beautiful bastards,
“Abbra ka-blah-bra, am I right ladies?” - Drunken Marge Simpson