Prayer request

I’m having hard time dealing with university, got through a weird heartbreak and have a lot of stuff to discuss with myself. The thing is that I simply can’t deal with it right now, I started choosing all the wrong ways to overcome it: in the previous week i drank alcohol three times (wednesday - drunk, saturday - mildly intoxicated, sunday - almost wasted) and started smoking again. I know I can overcome it and let go of this unhealthy behaviour, but it’s tough when my head feels like it’s about to explode and my heart is so heavy. 

  • Lent previous years: GIVE EVERYTHING UP. DO A BREAD-AND-WATER FAST. EAT ONLY 2 MEALS A DAY. STARVE YOURSELF.
  • Lent this year: ok... that sounds fake but ok...
The Prayer of St. Ephrem the Syrian

O Lord and Master of my life, keep from me the spirit of indifference and discouragement, lust of power and idle chatter.

Instead, grant to me, Your servant, the spirit of wholeness of being, humble-mindedness, patience, and love.

O Lord and King, grant me the grace to be aware of my sins and not to judge my brother; for You are blessed now and ever and forever. Amen.

Ash Monday 

“Let us meditate on this Lent and its fruits:

fasting and prayer purify the soul and make the body chaste;

fasting and prayer spread a marvelous light, the light of Christ, on those who fast and pray;

fasting and prayer raise the spirit, restrain the passions and the mercy from on high pours forth;

fasting and prayer dispel evil spirits, and the Holy Spirit dwells in the soul created to be the temple of God.

O God, may we praise you with pure lips and with angelic hymns that come from chaste hearts. May we meditate upon your fasting, and follow your path that we may attain you and praise you, for ever. Amen.”

- Maronite Prayer of the Faithful, Vol.II; Common of the Week; Great Lent; Monday; Ramsho (Evening Prayer)

Introduction Post

So I got a few new followers recently, and I have finally caught up on some follow-backs. A little about me and what to expect on this blog:

23 F, newlywed and hope to be a mother someday soon. I studied history in college, and I love dead languages. My favorite saints are Edith Stein, St. Helena, St. Xenia of St. Petersburg, and a lot of the early martyrs like Philomena, Perpetua, and Florentia.

I’m a traditionalist Catholic, and I stand with the SSPX. But, please listen, not all stereotypes that you may hear about TradCats are true :) For example, I believe in evolution. And I find that I do have most things in common with ‘diocesan’ Catholics. 

Regarding theology, I love reading theologians on theodicy and universal salvation. It is my fervent hope that everyone is saved. Catholic doctrine states that hell does exist, however we cannot know if anyone is in it. Thus the universal salvation question is unanswerable, but I like to keep hope. 

I love Orthodox Christian heritage, history, and hagiographies. But also I just like to read David Bentley Hart, so I am basically required to have a soft heart for the Orthodox. 

And…

 - #NeverTrump

 - Modesty and veiling. I am one of the dreaded maxi skirt Catholics (: 

 - Support for other Christians, Jews, Muslims, and other religious people who are doing their best to serve God and their neighbor in this vale of tears. I think up-front discussions about theological perspectives should be valued, not rejected as ‘confrontational.’ But, ultimately, we are all in this together.

 - Please send your prayer requests (: 

More on Lent

Spending is an interesting thing to give up, because well things cost money.

Some of the rules have been easy to define:
* things I can spend money on: bills, gas, medical.
* things I can’t spend money on: clothes, shoes, books, junk from Amazon

But what about groceries? I mean I clearly need food to survive, but do I truly need everything I buy? I have a bit of a food waste problem and I often go to the store without a plan meaning I buy duplicates or forget items, which means I either have to manage another trip to the store, or I have to change my plan. My plan is to survey my cupboards and figure how to supplement what I already have. The goal is to put a focus on what I need rather than what I want.

And the same with the $50/wk mad money. My goal there is really not to spend the money. But for example, I have organized a going away dinner for a friend on the first. Rather than choose between breaking Lent or not showing up, what I’m seeking is balance. So while spreading out the money to buy daily Starbucks is not allowed, meeting friends for the occasional dinner is okay. Or if I have a board meeting at a coffee shop, buying a coffee is okay as I don’t want to be the person using the table without patronizing the establishment.

Last night I sat in my room feeling heartbroken. And I recalled a talk I heard over the weekend, about suffering. And keeping close to Christ on the cross through our pain.

So I pulled my crucifix off the wall. And held it. And cried.

I cried and struggled to find the words to tell Him my pain.

“Lord I’m hurting and I know You know. Lord I’m hurting and I know you know.” Over and over.

Was my pain suddenly gone? Was the issue miraculously settled? No. Because God is not a magical genie. He never promised suffering would be gone if we follow Him.

But I felt heard. I felt understood. I felt close to a God who has personally known pain, heartbreak, depression, and betrayal. And I felt His heart break as I sat there sobbing.

Friends, please never forget He knows. He understands. He cries with us, as He did for the death of His dear Lazarus. He will never leave us abandoned in our sorrow. Where there is pain, there Christ is found, begging us to put our suffering at the foot of His cross.