catherine de valois

“All available descriptions of Owen Tudor agree that he was ‘adorned with wonderful gifts of body’. Some claim that Catherine was unable to forget him after accidentally spying him swimming naked one afternoon. Another story, judged probable in a recent history of the family, is that she first noticed him at a party in her rooms with the energetic Owen performed a dance move that unfortunately did not finish as competently as it commenced. He tripped and fell into the Queen Mother’s lap.

They were smitten and although she never could follow what her new in-laws were saying since she neither spoke nor understood Welsh, and Owen was the only member of his family to speak English, the couple loved each other enough to face down the tidal wave of disapproval that crashed over them once their marriage became public knowledge. Servants reported that when the couple made love, Queen Catherine could be heard screaming with pleasure, a dynamic to their relationship that presumably made disregarding the critics an awful lot easier.”

DAMN SON

I am seriously concerned about the casting directors on Reign...

Guys, are they ok? Are they even trying? Do they think we’re stupid? Have they employed a script adviser to check the consistency of what they’re making? If they have, they need to fire them real quick, because whoever they are hasn’t seemed to realise that CATHERINE’S CHILDREN ARE ALL REAPPEARING AS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE who are WAY TOO OLD!

Let’s take a trip down memory lane to the good old days when Reign was kinda alright.

Remember this little guy? This lil’ cutie from Season 1? Lil’ Charles. Just in case this picture doesn’t make it quite QUITE clear that this person is a young CHILD, here’s another one: 

He’s tiny right, I mean Megan Follows is small, and he barely reaches her shoulder. Ok good, we’ve established that Charles in Season 1 was a young child of around eight years old. Good stuff.

Now I know Reign has a habit of stretching, embellishing and basically destroying history. Mary and Francis are supposed to be like 14 at the start, and clearly they’re older, but that’s ok, that’s fine, we’ll roll with it.

 The show begins in 1557:

Nice, some fluffy goats and fluffy clouds just to prove this. I’ve done my research people.

So in real life, ol’ Francie Boi was supposed to die in 1560 after being King for roughly one year

And sure thing, as I said, Reign likes to stretch history like, BEYOND the breaking point. So it’s entirely plausible that on the show Francis was king for a little bit longer, maybe we’ll give him an extra year or two. Which means the next time we see young dude Charlie he’ll have aged… hmmm around five years or so? He’ll be approx 12, right? 

WRONG! What the FuCk ma dudes, this guy right here is NOT CHARKLES I don’t know who he is, but Catherine and the rest of them should all be really concerned, they’ve been hella duped! He’s frickin old enough to fool around with this random chick

He’s aged like 10 years in 5, and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED, not Catherine, not Francis, not Mary, and especially not anyone in the writing or casting department apparently. 

Now let’s move onto Elisabeth, Catherine and Henry’s eldest daughter, dis chick from the pilot

Remember her? The one who married the Spanish dude, and then they had to have sex while a whole lot of old men watched, and Mary and her lil’ sweet naive buddies got all hot and flustered cos they were sneakily watching too? Yeah that one.

As you can see, this woman is clearly a BRUNETTE. Well, apparently Spain has really changed Elisabeth. Like, REEAALLY changed her. So good to see her back in 4x01! She goes by Leesa now, she’s blonde and older and basically looks like a completely different person…

Oh Wait.

I guess Catherine just has so many children she honestly can’t keep track and doesn’t even notice when they return to France looking like they’ve endured intense plastic surgery to reconstruct their faces, or somehow age them enormously.

Catherine has the names of all her children written in her bible, although her youngest son Hercule is missing, but I think the camera has just cut off the bottom of the page.

 At the end of Season 3, Catherine brings back this dude below to lowkey threaten Charles with MUrdEr (the most ooc Catherine has ever been, honestly this show is just…)

Now god knows who this one is, I mean it could be Lil’ Henry making a comeback from Season 1 when he was blonde and cute (see below) and got kidnapped by his insane potato-sack-wearing half sister

If so, he too has had a significant dye job at the castle salon. Except whoever this kid is in Season 3, he can’t be Henry because he’s considerably younger than Charles

I mean, what’s the deal? Charles gets hit by the ageifying-ray gun, but his little bro Henry doesn’t? How is that fair?? They never actually mention him by name, so possibly it is Hercule.

Which would mean that this hunky blonde dude Megan’s been posting on her Instagram and captioning with “My boys”… 

IS HENRY WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS! He looks even older than Charles, I CANNOT BELIEF THIS

This makes absolutely ZERO sense, I do NOT understand. The casting directors and writers of Reign either don’t comprehend human viewer intelligence and the ability to pick up on the ENORMOUS INCONSISTENCIES THEY THROW AT US WITH WORRYING REGULARITY, or they themselves have serious memory issues. Or possibly they just don’t care. I really don’t know.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to watch Reign now is by ignoring these massively aged characters, ignoring the yawn storylines, ignoring when the only original characters we have left suddenly rewrite their whole personalities; I’m looking at you Catherine ‘I would literally die for my children’ de Medici, suddenly going, ‘Oh yeah Charles, I have loooads of other sons, don’t you forget that, I might just kill you to become regent again, k, love you, bye.’

I’ll just focus on the pretty clothes and Megan Follows’ profound talent to somehow make something out of this steaming pile of insanity.

Long story short, the only thing Reign is consistent at, is being inconsistent.

Even so, I’ll watch it every week cos I’m total trash. Rip me.

10

→ Catherine de Medici + Francis II, for @cassanabaratheon, Happy Birthday sweet <3

7

reign + parks & recreation

i am kind of sad that claude wasn’t around on reign when king henry was still alive, because for some reason i feel very sure that henry would just dote upon her and find her antics completely delightful (a la mona lisa saperstein and her pa on parks & rec), and it would drive catherine 200% – nay, 300% – crazy [x]

3

You: Mother, please stop it.

Catherine: Just wait a minute. I just need to put this curl back a little more-

You: I’m sure a suitor won’t mind if there’s one little hair out of place!

Catherine: All I am trying to do is create the best possible future for you.

You: I know and I am grateful.

Catherine: As you should be. Now come on. We wouldn’t want to be late.

Did anyone else burst out laughing when Claude and Charles tries to convince Narcisse to help them revive that noble girl from drug overdose?
— 

This is almost as good as Henry and Catherine trying to cover up the body of a dead girl that Henry accidentally killed while having sex.

This show I swear….

I kind of want Reign to start over from the beginning with the same cast but different writers.