cassandra-cain

More things Bruce has said to his kids:

Dick:

“You were such a cute kid. What happened?”

“So, if everyone else jumps from the roof, would you jump too? … I know that you jump from the roof every night … It was a rhetorical question!!”

“I love you, but go away”

Jason:

“Do you understand English?! I said no more killing!”

“Language, dammit!”

“You cannot sell your brothers on Craigslist!”

Tim:

“Why did you just put that in your mouth? … I don’t care if it was a dare! Spit it out!”

“I’m not talking to you until you put on pants”

“At what point did you think it was a good idea to test how long you could go without sleep?”

Damian:

“He is your older brother, do not use him for target practice”

“I understand that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s, but don’t let the dog lick your Popsicle!”

“Did you give Tim a black eye? … No, the dog was not the one to do it, try again”

Stephanie:

“Why did you put makeup on Dick? Now he won’t stop talking about his cheekbones“

“Stephanie, you don’t even live here, why are you paining the living room?“

“Will you stop trying to hug Damian? He claims that affection makes him breakout in hives“

Cassandra:

“You’re my favorite child“

‘I need you to watch the boys while I’m out … Yes, I know that most of them are grown men, but they seem to get into trouble when left unsupervised“

“I’m glad that I have one sane child“

maroonhood  asked:

My friends and I got catcalled today and it was disgusting. Can you please do hcs of the batfam when their best friend or s/o gets catcalled? Thank you my love 💕

Bruce: takes note of the license plate/ faces of the people and then finds the people in the night as Batman and scares the crap out of them to the point where they don’t ever do it again

Dick: catcalls the people right back to make them super uncomfortable and then yells at them (“SEE IT ISN’T VERY NICE ASSHOLES, DIDN’T ANYONE EVER TELL YOU?)

Jason: legit chases down the people (he’s surprisingly agile) and beats the crap out of them (he’s far less…gentle… than the others and who cares about being arrested? Been there done that. Assaulting some jerks isn’t the worst he could do. He could’ve killed them…)

Tim: exacts an elaborate plan of revenge on the people and then when his friend/ s/o asks him about it, he totally does(n’t) dent that it was all him

Damian: a mix of Jason and Bruce; he beats up the people at the time and then finds them later in the night so they’ll never do anything remotely like catcalling ever again

Steph: yells at the person/people and threatens them but if they make any remarks like “Chill, it was a compliment”, all bets are off and she’s going to beat them to a pulp

Cass: is incredibly intimidating without having to say anything so she makes damn sure that this person/group will never do anything like this again and she doesn’t ever actually have to lift a finger

Duke: willing to chase down the car and/or track down the people/person so he and his friend/s/o can get payback, willing to go to any lengths to do this

A/N: sorry if this isn’t great and I’m sorry that happened to you and your friend ☹️

Give me a live action Batman film that tries to be dark and gritty but gets ruined by the sassy and sarcastic comments and bad puns from all of his kids

What if everyone in Gotham knows that Bruce Wayne has one biological child…

But none of them knows who is?

See, each of his five children acts and looks so much like Bruce that they can’t figure out which one it is. Most swear it’s Cass. She’s the one whose origin they know the least about, plus she acts the most like their father, so the majority of the population assume it’s Cass. Others think it’s Tim, since no billionaire would give his very important company to his kid unless he were his actual child. But a lot of people also suspect that Jason is the product of one drunken night between Bruce Wayne and some random woman who died and left him Jason to take care of, which would explain why Bruce adopted some random street rat without warning. Though questions often circulate about whether Dick Grayson was actually the son of a pair of acrobats, or if it was all a ploy to hide his true origin, which was a scandalous love affair that occurred between Bruce Wayne and Marie Grayson during a trip to see the circus.

Nobody suspects Damian, though. The Bruce Wayne that Gotham knows and loves is a rich playboy who likes picking up ladies and going to fancy parties. Damian Wayne is too grumpy and angry to possibly be the biological son of that guy, right?

Jason: We are gathered here today-

Dick: [sobs]

Jason: To honor the life-

Damian: And death

Dick: [sobs harder]

Jason: Of Blue, someone who meant much to us all. He was family. A victim of- uhh…

Dick: [sobs some more]

Damian: This is pathetic. I’m going to my room.

Tim: Don’t be so rude! This is a funeral!

Damian: For a fish

Jason: Shut up. Both of you. Steph, start the music again.

Steph: Sure thing, lover boy.

Jason: Blue was only 3 weeks old when he was tragically taken from us

Dick: [wails]

Bruce: “Don’t talk to me or my son or my son or my son or my daughter or my son who is actually my son or my son or my daughter who’s not actually my daughter but her father is one of my best friends so she counts or my other daughter who’s not my daughter either but she’s dating my son so she forced her way into my family or my father who is actually my butler or my cousin or my son’s cow, dog, cat, turkey, and dragon bat or my punk daughter or her brother or my best friend who can fly or my club of super people, one of whom I plan to adopt-“

Criminal: …..

Bruce: ”-ever ever again.“

Bruce: *walks away with his ginormous family trailing behind him*

Halloween at Wayne Manor
  • Every kid in Gotham knows to hit up Wayne Manor on Halloween, they give you MULTIPLE REGULAR SIZED CANDY BARS!! none of this fun-size shit
  • They also have a separate bucket of small toys for children with complex food allergies 

  • Best decorations in town, it’s go hard or go home and Bruce never backs down from a challenge, cobwebs everywhere, GHOSTS! mother fukcing PUMPKINS!!!
  • Bruce isn’t allowed to answer the door because he lets all the kids dressed up as Batfam and Wonder Woman have as much candy as they want and gives dental floss to those dressed as clowns, also kids dressed as Superman but he’ll deny it
  • Damian:*Carves a pumpkin with a really ugly face* Drake! come at once! Tim: *Sigh* what? Damian:*Smirks and turns the pumpkin to face Tim* it’s you
  • Food fight in the kitchen with the scooped out pumpkin flesh
  • Almost everyone wears costumes to make Dick happy
  • Dick once forced Damian into a child’s Batman costume, Damian was outraged by the plastic Batarangs, Bruce totally didn’t have tears in his eyes fuck you
  • Jason never wears a costume no matter how hard Dick pouts at him, this leads to an array of replies when people ask why he’s not in costume e.g “My muscles are too big to fit in any costume” “I’m dressed as a sinner” “I’m dressed up as a serial killer. They look like everybody else” “I’m dressed as the miracle of life” “a pumpkin killed my parents, how dare you”
  • Tim once dressed as a Ghostbuster and wouldn’t stop trying to hoover up Jason and Damian
  • Stephanie and Cassandra always dress in matching or related costumes, it’s super fucking cute 
  • Dick: Where’s your outfit, Alfred?? Alfred: *pulls out a pair of rabbit ears and places them on his head* I am a bunny Master Grayson. Hop. Hop
  • Barbara dresses as a mermaid which AmAZES!! all the kids, cause it totally makes sense!!! her red hair which means she’s related to Ariel #kidlogic
  • Dick:*Dressed as Dracula* I want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!! Jason: You can suck my di- Bruce: LANGUAGE!!
  • Batcow, Titus, Alfred the cat, and Goliath all have home made costumes made by Damian
  • Dick always gets sick from eating the most candy, he says he’s doing it to save everyone else from having cavities, he’s a dirty liar
  • Tim: *Walks around Walmart pointing to decorations* Spoopy
  • Jason: Raisins!??? RAISINS?? who the hell gives raisins on Halloween Bruce??? Monsters that’s who
  • Little kid: *See’s Jason as Red Hood on Halloween* what are you meant to be mr? Jason: I’m a used tampon Others: *through the comms* JASON!!!
Things I associate the Batfam with:

Bruce: *internal screaming* and Adoption Papers

Alfred: The Sassy Eyebrow Raise™

Dick: Puns n’ Secret Sadness

Jason: yeET

Tim: Near Death Coffee Experience

Damian: Veggie Burgers and Massacre

Barbra: Under the Glasses Nose Pinch

Stephanie: 107% DONE

Cass: Doesn’t Deserve This Shit

Duke: *panicked screaming*

Harper: Really Really Loud Sighing

Kate: Squinty Glare